Porn... OUCH!

[MagicStar723]

My heart is broken. Last night I was talking to my BF (over the phone, he is 2 hr away) and he told me that he generally looks at porn once a week. This really really hurts! I feel like I have been cheated on.
Girls, how do you deal with your boyfriends when they are struggling to over come this problem?
Guys, what things can I say or do to help him, without making him feel angry? I know the obvious thing is pray, but it there anything else I can do?

Help! I am hurting!

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

I understand what you're feeling as I had an ex who looked at it constantly. It did a number on me, that's for sure. It's not wrong for you to feel hurt in any way or manner because of what he's doing.

There are a lot of threads with this similar topic. Check the older posts and I know there are some in the women's forum, too.

 

[FatBurger]

There's really no easy way to talk about it. You just have to explain why you hate it and ask him to stop. If he doesn't, then you have to make the choice of whether you still want to be with him.

 

[California Dreamin']

Hi,
My boyfriend has been struggling with a porn addiction for 8 years. He never told me until I found some on his computer in the "Recent Documents", I was looking in there for a picture of us. He is going to a psychiatrist and everything about this! I am trying to be supportive of him and he says it is helping a lot.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

My heart is broken. Last night I was talking to my BF (over the phone, he is 2 hr away) and he told me that he generally looks at porn once a week. This really really hurts! I feel like I have been cheated on.
Girls, how do you deal with your boyfriends when they are struggling to over come this problem?
Guys, what things can I say or do to help him, without making him feel angry? I know the obvious thing is pray, but it there anything else I can do?

Help! I am hurting!

Oh honey
These things break my heart. I know exactly how you feel. And I am so strongly against porn and everything it stands for. I went through exactly what you are going through with an ex. We were together for almost 2 years in High school, and thats where it all began. I found porn, and questioned him about it... kinda blew it off for awhile, and then it just got worse.

I know how devistating it is, and how you feel cheated. But you have to tell him how you feel. And if he respects you at all, and knows how hurt you are, he would stop, or do everything in his power to get help so he can stop. Im not a guy, and I have never delt with a pornography addiction, so its easy for me to say just tell him to stop, although it might not be easy to do.

I would like to tell you to stick with him, if he is sincere about getting help. If he isnt, or he continues with this destructive behavior, I would say get out. It wouldnt be healthy in the future. Porn distorts God;s immage of sex, and that isnt healthy, and it wouldnt be good for you.

But if it were me, I would probally explode and I wouldnt give him a second chance. But I have many many deep issues with porn, and I take it so personally. (Ie: Im not good enough so he has to go to something better looking, skinnier etc etc etc) I wish men understood how much porn hurts not just themselves, but the women in their lives.

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk in private. I would be willing to talk to you and share more if you would like.

Sign <><

 

[FaithfulServant]

Is your boyfriend a Christian? If he is then he should know that lusting is a sin. I don't know any men who can look at pornography and not lust. If he isn't a Christian (a practicing one, one who is seeking God with all his heart) then we have a bigger issue here.
You can't make him change....but.....If he strives to honor God and change, then you can provide him with reading material about getting help (lots of Christian books on this) and direct him to www.settingcaptivesfree.com

I am praying for him. Pornography is a monster that grips at many mens hearts and tears relationships apart.

God Bless,

Steffani

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Chances are, if he is a christian, he realizes that what he is doing is sinful. But sometimes throwing that in someon's face isnt going to get them to stop. Whether us women want to realize it or not, men (and yes even our christian men) struggle with porn, lust etc etc etc.

Personally throwing the "do you know what you are doing is sinfull, hurtfull to God" thing in his face might not be the best idea. Its important that he realizes that yes in fact what he is doing is sinful, and it breaks God's heart (which is most important) I think its also important not to embarass him about it either.

 

[FaithfulServant]

Whether us women want to realize it or not, men (and yes even our christian men) struggle with porn, lust etc etc etc.

This is also a struggle for women (not a struggle of mine, just pointing this out).

 

[FatBurger]

Different people and situations require different approaches. He might respond best to you showing him why and how much it hurts you. He might respond best to talking to a pastor or close friend about it. He might respond best to an ultimatum. You know him better than any of us.

Unfortunately, in a lot of situations, the boyfriend will regard you more as a threat to his way of life, rather than a concerned girlfriend trying to help him. It's important to try and determine whether to be a supportive girlfriend or an outraged girlfriend, to know how to help him the best.
But regardless, this is far too important to compromise on. It's a huge issue and can have effects on your relationship that you would never have imagined. There are plenty of times for compromise in a relationship, but this is simply not one of them. You can't afford to set a bad precedent that could haunt the rest of your relationship.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

This is also a struggle for women (not a struggle of mine, just pointing this out).

Yes I am well aware of this.

 

[Johnnz]

The issue is not always straighforward. While growing up I never met a young guy who wasn't interested in seeing what a female's body actually looked like. I am aware that many women are just as curious as men. So, is this a deep moral fault in most people, or does it indicate that we may have something wrong somewhere?

Many people are not that comfortable with sexual issues. Christians are rightly concerned about moral issues, but we have not always had a good record on sexual matters either.

There is real porn out there. Something is very wrong if that is attractive to us. Personally, I find it distasteful.

Is a husband looking at porn or just naked women? (I do differentiate here). If the later, perhaps the issue needs discussion, and the sexual component of marriage also talked about frankly. Sex within marriage can get boring, predicatable and may not be mutually satisfying. Some good discussion may help with his viewing habits.

John
NZ

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

The issue is not always straighforward. While growing up I never met a young guy who wasn't interested in seeing what a female's body actually looked like. I am aware that many women are just as curious as men. So, is this a deep moral fault in most people, or does it indicate that we may have something wrong somewhere?

Many people are not that comfortable with sexual issues. Christians are rightly concerned about moral issues, but we have not always had a good record on sexual matters either.

There is real porn out there. Something is very wrong if that is attractive to us. Personally, I find it distasteful.

Is a husband looking at porn or just naked women? (I do differentiate here). If the later, perhaps the issue needs discussion, and the sexual component of marriage also talked about frankly. Sex within marriage can get boring, predicatable and may not be mutually satisfying. Some good discussion may help with his viewing habits.

John
NZ

Im not quite sure i understand you post. So are you saying, for christians its bad to look at porn, but ok to look at naked women? Wouldnt lust still play a factor here? Im not oging to sit here and list off all the verses that speak out AGAINST lust in the heart, because Im sure you all have hered them already... but I suppose I can if you wanted me to.

Im sorry personally... looking at another woman naked, or looking at porn is the same thing to me. Just different degrees... some is al ittle more hard core then the other, but all the same in my eyes (and I would also like to hope its all the same in God's eyes too)
I think however, what teh original poster was saying, was how it was making her feel. And if it makes her feel bad, then its not right. Personally, whether he is simply looking at a nude woman, or looking at full blown porn, it still bothers me, and it still kills my self esteem either way.

Im sorry, I just re read your post, and I am still trying to understand what side of the fence you are sitting on. Maybe because I just woke up, but it seems to me like you are saying looking at naked women isnt necessarily a abd thing? But then the bit at the end about sex inside married is also throwing me off. Are you saying that if having sex with your marriage partner is boring, you should bring out the porn to spice it up a little?? I am not married... and no wheres near being married, but I would hope that even if sex did become "boring" you would beable to communicate that with your spouce and try and resolve it through prayer. I guess thats why I think communication and sex are so important. Keep the lines of communication going, tell your mate what you like and what you dont like. And when things start to get boring, maybe explore some avenues that both of you would be ok with?

Im gonan shut up now

 

[Johnnz]

I posted with the intention of provoking some thought.

Behind my thinking was a comparison with our eating habits. We can decry greed, but that does not entail our not ever getting hungry again. We decry porn (rightfully) but I find that most people have an ongoing interest in sexual issues, and a large number of Christians struggle with what they term 'lust'. Given the very common difficulties Christians seem to have about sexual matters, I have sometimes wondered if we have not drawn the line in the wrong place. This is why I made that post.

Your thoughts are most welcome.

John
NZ

 

[flounder7786]

well, i never really thought that would be such a big deal...but once my bf told me that he looked at porn a lot a few years back, it really hurt...i guess just because he has seen women naked...and that really kills me...because if we do get married...it will be like...he has seen other women but me...so that hurts...it hurts really bad...and i know it is something a lot of guys struggle with...but it still kills. i lvoe my boyfriend, more than anything in the world...and i have 100% forgiven him, but it still hurts.

 

[Sketcher]

Im not quite sure i understand you post. So are you saying, for christians its bad to look at porn, but ok to look at naked women? Wouldnt lust still play a factor here? Im not oging to sit here and list off all the verses that speak out AGAINST lust in the heart, because Im sure you all have hered them already... but I suppose I can if you wanted me to.

Im sorry personally... looking at another woman naked, or looking at porn is the same thing to me. Just different degrees... some is al ittle more hard core then the other, but all the same in my eyes (and I would also like to hope its all the same in God's eyes too)

Not all nudity is porn. Greek statues are not porn. Nudes in old paintings are not porn. Heck, even some nude photography isn't porn (it has to do with the poses and lighting).

It's pretty easy for me to tell if an image was meant to make someone lust or not. And people can lust over images that weren't meant to bring lust as well.

 

[Sketcher]

well, i never really thought that would be such a big deal...but once my bf told me that he looked at porn a lot a few years back, it really hurt...i guess just because he has seen women naked...and that really kills me...because if we do get married...it will be like...he has seen other women but me...so that hurts...it hurts really bad...and i know it is something a lot of guys struggle with...but it still kills. i lvoe my boyfriend, more than anything in the world...and i have 100% forgiven him, but it still hurts.

It's VERY hard for us to deal with as well, since we know it's wrong.

Your feelings are very legitimate. But suppose his first dose of female nudity was in a life drawing class - a very different context and focus of the nudity. Would you still be upset?

 

[FatBurger]

It's pretty easy for me to tell if an image was meant to make someone lust or not. And people can lust over images that weren't meant to bring lust as well.

So if you show me a picture like that, and I lust over it, is it still ok?

 

[KristianJ]

If it's something that causes you to stumble and takes your focus away from God and His will for your life, then I think it's something that you should stop doing. If a person cannot view the naked human form without it becoming an object of lust, no matter how suggestive the pose, then it's a sin. The effects of sin on the human mind can be such that sadly, any picture that might not be designed as porn (I take the Venus painting by Botticelli or Michelangelo's statue of David as examples of nudity in art) can illicit lustful desires from the observer.

In the end though, it's no greater a sin than the other ones that we all are guilty of. But it is one that your boyfriend (and partners of any of the previous posters) should acknowledge and confess to God. Bad habits can take a while to completely discard, but if the person is committed to living a God-glorifying life, then they should be able to remove it from their lives. I think that if your partner's not willing to acknowledge that looking at pornography can be a stumbling block to your relationship, you have to consider whether they have your needs and best interests at heart, and even more importantly the ways of God. I pray that for all of you tackling this dangerous problem, you and your partner can work towards seeking the right solution in order to glorify God

 

[Jocky]

My heart is broken. Last night I was talking to my BF (over the phone, he is 2 hr away) and he told me that he generally looks at porn once a week. This really really hurts! I feel like I have been cheated on.
Girls, how do you deal with your boyfriends when they are struggling to over come this problem?
Guys, what things can I say or do to help him, without making him feel angry? I know the obvious thing is pray, but it there anything else I can do?

Help! I am hurting!

Do a web search for "Setting captives free" (I don't have the post count to post the link)

If you can get him to do the "Way of Purity course" it might really help him. It certainly helped me clean my act up.

 

[FatBurger]

Do a web search for "Setting captives free" (I don't have the post count to post the link)

If you can get him to do the "Way of Purity course" it might really help him. It certainly helped me clean my act up.

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/