Porn addiction

[Prompt For You]

Hi there, I was looking for help with an old addiction that has resurfaced. There is a porn addiction area here but I want advice from men and women. Many years ago when I was struggling as a christian I had a porn addiction. Every few hours I would look and self pleasure myself. As time went on I broke down and repented about the addiction. I went to slipping up only every few months, some times a year. I am married and we have a great marriage. My wife has health issues with her female anatomy and suffers from pain often. My wife also has other issues with her anatomy. We have not taken her to a doctor yet, but shall in the future. The problem at hand is we maybe have sex once every week or two. I am understanding of that because of her health and don't complain. But I find myself looking to porn for pleasure once again. I am sorry for the bluntness of what I shall say next. I often view the porn and pretend it is her in the video. I do realize that is still adultery because it is not her of course. Most times I do not get excited by it and do not touch. I usually stop looking right away or fight temptation and don't look at all. I pray whatever the case is because I know I need to. Upon messing up I repent and pray for forgiveness. I ask for strength and move on knowing I am forgiven. I do not abuse God's grace either. I truly do not want to look at porn. I cry about it because it is hard and my wife is a very loving woman. I have read books, online websites and items like that about Christianity and porn addiction. My wife does know about me looking sometimes, but I assure her I am working on it with God's help.

Sex is very much important to us and the lack of sex is affecting us as you can see. We pray together, go to church together, read together. However for months now we have fallen behind on those things due to how fast life is currently. I am sure that is also part of the problem since we should be making more time for God. If you were going to ask about other ways to have sex, it is not an easy thing to do. My wife does not like to do oral sex. The only other sex we have is with her using her hand. My wife does not do that much either because of pain in her body and hands. Masturbation is one option but I do not believe in doing it when married and my wife does not approve of it being done. We have gone to counseling but they just tell you what you are told online. I have removed many temptations from my life such as movies that may have sex and nudity. I actually never look at other women and have adulterous thoughts. Porn looking not included of course. I love my wife and only want her. I have learned my weakness is when I am without sleep and alone. I was told that much of what I do in reaction to this situation is good and shows I sincerely want to change. I was also told I have to accept temptation will always be there and we cannot live perfect lives. I understand that does not give us a reason to sin then. But that we will have lives that will never be easy until we pass away. I however do not like the idea of that if I never look at porn again, I will still have times when I may be tempted to look again. I do not want to cheat on my wife like that. Inside I wish I could have part of my brain removed that causes me to stumble. Or tell myself from the past to never start looking at porn. I do feel free and know God is helping me. I just am tired of messing up when my wife is so loving. It is causing me to feel sad and depressed more. I am nervous about creating this because I read many responses to other people with these addictions and those people chose to make the person feel like trash you throw away. I do not want those remarks because I know already I am in sin and trash until this issue is addressed. What advice could you offer me? Can you pray for me and my wife. Thank you friends.

 

[Belarius]

Heres my side:
I used to have a big problem with porn and other things one can do on the internet that would be classified as adultery.
My first question is this:
Does your wife know of your struggle with porn? Does she know of your past sins? Have you revealed this to her?

I myself kept this a secret from my beloved wife for almost 2 years of our marriage until it all came crashing down (By Gods direct intervention) and all was revealed to her. It was certainly very difficult, so difficult in fact that both of us would not have been able to bear up with it if it were not for God's grace.

Also: Have you removed ALL sources of possible temptation from your sphere of life? This meant for me to shoot up my smartphone with a .22 rifle and install a Filtering software on my computer (K9) with my wife haveing set the password. This means she could always check herself what is going on and all porn is filtered. I also set all lingerie and swimsuit sites on the block list per keyword and all news sites that often contain images of women in such apparel.

We must remove all traces of this from our lives, have you done so?

 

[Hotinco]

One thing you can do is get a group of men (friends) who are willing to hold each other accountable. This is no different than a drug or alcohol addiction. You need people to talk to when you are tempted, who will be understanding and supportive. There are support groups you can join if you don;t have people in your life now that you trust or who are willing to be part of that group.

Prayer - the more time we spend before God the less time we have for those thoughts. The more time you spend with God, the less you will want to do those things. I know it sound like go fourth and be holy - but the simple fact is good and evil cannot coexist. The more God you pour into your life the less room for sin. That does not mean you need to pray 24/7. But be selective in how and who you spend your free time with. Spend time reading books / watching shows that encourage a christian life, spend time with friends who have similar beliefs and will support you, spend time in church - in activities, services etc., spend time studying the word. Spend alone time with your wife.

I know this is a struggle and I commend you for recognizing the issue and seeking out help.

 

[Murby]

I'm not the least bit religious so my advice isn't going to be based on religion.. So take it in context and do with it as you please.
That said, I find it disturbing that your religious beliefs are causing you so much suffering. What I mean by that is you are enduring a self inflicted hardship based on a belief system and it doesn't seem logical from my perspective.

Why religions are so concerned with sexuality is just strange.. Seems very much like some kind of fetish that a belief system would care about something that is natural and healthy.

Contrary to what a lot of religious opinions and doctrines say, porn is no more addicting than soap operas or action movies, and masturbation does no one, including one's self, any harm whatsoever. In fact, I would bet that the unnatural build up of sexual frustration would be far more harmful as stress has been scientifically proven to have significant and unfavorable health effects.

It would seem to me that in specific cases such as yours, a religious belief system could actually be physically and psychologically harmful if and when it is leading to inappropriate or unwise decisions.

There are plenty of other examples of religion causing such harm.. such as parents using religion to prevent medical care for their children..

So, from the perspective of someone who does not believe in religion, I suggest you limit your "religiosity" to a level that does not induce or promote unfavorable health issues. Sometimes, such things can have life long consequences.

Again, from the perspective of someone who does not believe in religion of any kind.

 

[mkgal1]

We have gone to counseling but they just tell you what you are told online

There's all sorts of things said online. It seems as if you didn't (maybe) get the best counseling. Have you seen this website?
http://restoringthesoul.com/

This is his back story:
http://www1.cbn.com/content/michael-cusick-end-his-double-life

 

[Ana the Ist]

What kind of health problems are you talking about when referring to your wife? I only understand that it's a reason she doesn't want to have sex...which is obviously a difficult situation for you.

The odd thing to me is that it appears this health problem of hers is significant enough for her to not have sex (which is completely understandable for some health conditions)...but it doesn't sound like it's a significant enough health problem for you two to go rushing off to the Dr.

Frankly, I find that strange. Is it an ongoing problem that's she's always had (since you've known her) and she gets treatment for? Or is this something that's more recent that she simply hasn't had a dr look into yet?

I understand that it may not be a situation that you're comfortable discussing....but you understand why I'm asking, right? The obvious solution to your problem is to fix her health problem.

 

[kmrichard7]

I'm not the least bit religious so my advice isn't going to be based on religion.. So take it in context and do with it as you please.
That said, I find it disturbing that your religious beliefs are causing you so much suffering. What I mean by that is you are enduring a self inflicted hardship based on a belief system and it doesn't seem logical from my perspective.

Why religions are so concerned with sexuality is just strange.. Seems very much like some kind of fetish that a belief system would care about something that is natural and healthy.

Contrary to what a lot of religious opinions and doctrines say, porn is no more addicting than soap operas or action movies, and masturbation does no one, including one's self, any harm whatsoever. In fact, I would bet that the unnatural build up of sexual frustration would be far more harmful as stress has been scientifically proven to have significant and unfavorable health effects.

It would seem to me that in specific cases such as yours, a religious belief system could actually be physically and psychologically harmful if and when it is leading to inappropriate or unwise decisions.

There are plenty of other examples of religion causing such harm.. such as parents using religion to prevent medical care for their children..

So, from the perspective of someone who does not believe in religion, I suggest you limit your "religiosity" to a level that does not induce or promote unfavorable health issues. Sometimes, such things can have life long consequences.

Again, from the perspective of someone who does not believe in religion of any kind.

This entire post does nothing to help what the poster is struggling with. Admitting to an addiction and instead of offering help this entire post attacks his beliefs at why he wants to overcome a struggle of his.
Your advice is based on your disdain for religion and nothing else. Nothing to do with the actual topic at hand.

 

[kmrichard7]

OP i am sorry for all of this. I have sent you a link to a podcast that i think you will find helpful in this situation.
Its a hard habit to break, so easily accessible and easy to hide. But its interfering with your marriage. You know this or you wouldnt be convicted. There are a lot of great support systems that can help you. Keep trying to fight and be easy with yourself though. Dont excuse the behavior but understand that we are ALL tempted. Maybe not all of us are sexually tempted but we all have weaknesses and temptations we are always fighting. You are not alone in that.

 

[kmrichard7]

One last thing haha. I forgot to mention on your wife. Ive been in her shoes. What i think you should do is encourage her to get checked by the doctor. Her libido is low and probably for a reason. She also needs to understand that you need intimacy more than you are getting and you want to get it from her. If she is not able to provide you need to be able to THINK of HER and take care of business.
All things sexual need to be about the two of you only. Let her know that you are keeping it between only the two of you. Of it is medical reasons that she wont have sex she needs to be checked.
But my gut thinks its not medical as much as emotional. She isnt feeling like she is the object of your attraction and is feeling less sexual.
Women need to feel loved and adored. Constant words of affirmation, make her into your ideal woman and let her know this. It will get better. You may want to speak with someone, a third party.

 

[Dave-W]

I will take issue with the previous poster (whom IMO is blaming your wife) and say this: Even if your wife cuts you off forever, you still need to walk away from the porn, and don't even bring up her "low libido" until well after you do.

Be a man.

 

[kmrichard7]

You can see my post before the one you are refrencing where i specifically put fault of his porn use on him.
No one blames the wife but to deny sex to your spouse repeatedly is against Gods will for us.

 

[kmrichard7]

1 Corinthians 7

7 Now, to deal with the matters you wrote about.

A man does well not to marry.2 But because there is so much immorality, every man should have his own wife, and every woman should have her own husband. 3 A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. 4 A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. 5 Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan's temptation because of your lack of self-control.

 

[Murby]

This entire post does nothing to help what the poster is struggling with. Admitting to an addiction and instead of offering help this entire post attacks his beliefs at why he wants to overcome a struggle of his.
Your advice is based on your disdain for religion and nothing else. Nothing to do with the actual topic at hand.

My advice is based on logic and reasoning.. While I understand the religious doctrine as it pertains to sexuality, I believe some good old fashioned common sense should take precedent when there are real and quantifiable health effects at issue.

This boarders on the "pray away the gay camps" that were outlawed in (California?).. Its obviously a different issue, but causing someone to feel guilty about something that is both natural and healthy, is in itself, unethical and immoral in my opinion.

While I may not agree with your beliefs, I always make an effort to afford you the respect you deserve to have them.. But I draw the line when such beliefs can cause real-world harm and I feel compelled to speak up when I see such things.

If the OP wants to continue on his path, that's his prerogative.. I said what needed to be said.

 

[Dave-W]

You can see my post before the one you are refrencing where i specifically put fault of his porn use on him.
No one blames the wife but to deny sex to your spouse repeatedly is against Gods will for us.

I understand that, probably better than you know. Please note I said "Even if..."

And even if the wife WERE responsible for this - it is on him and not her to fix his own sin.

BTW - I am not really fond of the translation you use there. GNT perhaps? Try the NASB:

1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.
3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

 

[Belarius]

Its obviously a different issue, but causing someone to feel guilty about something that is both natural and healthy, is in itself, unethical and immoral in my opinion.

There is nothing natural about Pornography, nor is there anything healthy about pornography (See www.yourbrainonporn.com)
Pornography is the thing that is unethical and immoral here, especially when one is married.

 

[Murby]

There is nothing natural about Pornography, nor is there anything healthy about pornography (See www.yourbrainonporn.com)

It is no more or less unhealthy than watching soap opera's, action movies, game shows, or any other form of visual entertainment. It's all harmful if not moderated, and its all harmless if it is moderated.

I'm sure there are lots of religious people who are offended by porn and I'm sure there's a specific group within that percentage who are willing to become activist and create agenda based propaganda relating to it. But that doesn't make it harmful.
And masturbating every day or five times a day is not harmful either.

Pornography is the thing that is unethical and immoral here, especially when one is married.

Really? I'd be interested to see if you can tell me how its unethical or immoral without making use of religious doctrine.


To the OP: I would also suggest you haul your wife to a doctor if she is having medical issues. It is important that you two find out what is causing this pain she is experiencing.. it could be something as simple as a pimple in the wrong spot or as serious as cancer. Do not procrastinate on this.

 

[mkgal1]

Right, @Belarius. Sexual desire is one thing---porn (objectifying others and selfishly about gratifying only yourself) is a whole other thing. The one link I already provided (fightthenewdrug) is actually a secular group (of young people, too). Some groups *do* take "purity" to a whole other extreme---but I don't believe it's "extreme" to realize the harm that porn does. Beliefs that are true are true no matter the group.

Another thing I've recently heard (but cannot recall where) is that rape culture is all about entitlement and a deficiency of compassion and empathy for others (which is what porn feeds into). Empathy training and practicing compassion for others is what offsets all that.

Resource page: http://fightthenewdrug.org/get-help/

 

[mkgal1]

There is nothing natural about Pornography, nor is there anything healthy about pornography (See www.yourbrainonporn.com)

From what I can tell from a quick glance---this site is based mostly on neuroscience, so one can't claim "porn is natural" or that saying porn is harmful is based on a set of external religious rules. It seems there's a lot of helpful information on there.

 

[mkgal1]

It is no more or less unhealthy than watching soap opera's, action movies, game shows, or any other form of visual entertainment. It's all harmful if not moderated, and its all harmless if it is moderated.

You're stating this based on what? The site that @Belarius linked has studies to back up what's stated there. Our brains don't typically release chemicals in response to watching regular TV. Porn is more than "visual entertainment". It's much more complicated than that.

 

[mkgal1]

Really? I'd be interested to see if you can tell me how its unethical or immoral without making use of religious doctrine.

There's already been resources for you to check out to answer that (and both are free of religiously-driven information).