Polyamory

[Mling]

So...what do people think about it?

To be careful about terms, polyamory is not the same as polygamy, and ...well...I'm not involved in swinging culture, so I can't really say how it compares.

Polyamory is based very heavily on the idea that being in a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you own them. That people should build relationships, not on needing each other, or having some sort of claim to each other, but on desiring each other's company. And, as there's no reason why a person would only desire the company of one other person in the world, or be enhanced by one other person, people may have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.

The best basic example of the polyamorous mindset I can think of is an exchange between a friend of mine, and her boyfriend.

She has both a boyfriend and girlfriend, though the girlfriend lives about 50 miles away. Because of a mix up scheduling classes, she's found herself with a semester off, and is looking for jobs..and some of those jobs are more around her girlfriend then the boyfriend, the plan being she'd move in with her. She was chatting with the boyfriend about the logistics. His response? He suggested that she could use some of his storage space, so she wouldn't have to shuttle all her stuff out there.

Of course, how well it works depends on how well people can communicate and manage their time, expectations and emotions, but when it works, it works quite well. I have to work three nights in a row--my partner isn't fond of this. Gets lonely. She has another partner who can come over and keep her company--she's happier, and I'm happier that she's happier and our relationship is better for it and all-around yay ensues. So yay!

Anyway--thoughts on the idea?

 

[Jade Margery]

Sounds like something that could (and probably does) work much better with relationships that don't involve heterosexual men (meaning more than one). Nothing against heterosexual men, mind--I'm very much in love with one, after all--but they have serious possessive instincts that would give them a hard time being comfortable in a relationship like that. Adding another girl to the relationship, like your friend did, doesn't pose the same threat that adding another guy would. Even the most free-love guy I've ever met got a little bit squirrelly when his girlfriend started giving other boys the 'eye'.

It's not entirely their faults, it's hardwired in the brains of most male mammals. I think polyamory is a nice idea but in the topsy-turvy-gray-shaded world of human relationships it probably doesn't pan out so well for 99% of people.

Not that full monogamy does either. A lot of couples, possibly most, are more monogamish that fully monogamous.

Morally? I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

 

[nom]

to me it's more than just liking the company of someone -- that's friendship to me, or f buddies -- a serious relationship IMHO involves dedication that will always be lessened by being spread thin. that's like going ten roads a tenth of the way... that that could be desirable never occured to me, seems like love light to me.

 

[Mling]

to me it's more than just liking the company of someone -- that's friendship to me, or f buddies -- a serious relationship IMHO involves dedication that will always be lessened by being spread thin. that's like going ten roads a tenth of the way... that that could be desirable never occured to me, seems like love light to me.

Well, what you're talking about does appeal to some people--I have heard of people who use poly as a way to have multiple, casual relationships. That doesn't appeal to me, but I can see how it would, to other people.

Other people will have, say, one partner who they're in dedicated, serious relationship with--somebody looking in from the outside would assume that they're monogamous-- and then they might date or have other, more casual relationships also. I know another guy, for example, who is married, and has one or two girlfriends, as well. (I'm not sure about the relationship statuses of the wife and girlfriends).

Another configuration is group marriage. Like, I know a family with two women, who are married to each other, and they each have a boyfriend, and the four of them live together. I think they've been together for about 5 years now--the women have been together for 10.

So yeah, it isn't necessarily light and casual, though it can be.

Personally, I don't have any outside partners, but whenever I think about how that might play out, I always imagine coming home and telling my partner about it. Going out to see a date, and coming home to see my current partner is the key part of that dynamic. I don't know how well I'd manage two serious partners of equal weight. To me, I think I'd need a significant gap of seriousness between primary partner and anybody else. I think my girlfriend would be better at having a serious primary and an-almost-as-serious secondary partner at the same time.

Anyway, yeah...varies with taste and ability.

 

[drstevej]

So...what do people think about it?

To be careful about terms, polyamory is not the same as polygamy, and ...well...I'm not involved in swinging culture, so I can't really say how it compares.

Polyamory is based very heavily on the idea that being in a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you own them. That people should build relationships, not on needing each other, or having some sort of claim to each other, but on desiring each other's company. And, as there's no reason why a person would only desire the company of one other person in the world, or be enhanced by one other person, people may have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.

The best basic example of the polyamorous mindset I can think of is an exchange between a friend of mine, and her boyfriend.

She has both a boyfriend and girlfriend, though the girlfriend lives about 50 miles away. Because of a mix up scheduling classes, she's found herself with a semester off, and is looking for jobs..and some of those jobs are more around her girlfriend then the boyfriend, the plan being she'd move in with her. She was chatting with the boyfriend about the logistics. His response? He suggested that she could use some of his storage space, so she wouldn't have to shuttle all her stuff out there.

Of course, how well it works depends on how well people can communicate and manage their time, expectations and emotions, but when it works, it works quite well. I have to work three nights in a row--my partner isn't fond of this. Gets lonely. She has another partner who can come over and keep her company--she's happier, and I'm happier that she's happier and our relationship is better for it and all-around yay ensues. So yay!

Anyway--thoughts on the idea?

By ALL means ANYTHING that makes her HAPPY is beyond questioning. That just plain old self-ism.

As that great religious icon, Stephen Stills, said, "If You are not with the one you love, love the one you are with." Peace and Love.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Some say polyamory is a synonym for promiscuous sex. A rose by any other name...

 

[Mling]

Sounds like something that could (and probably does) work much better with relationships that don't involve heterosexual men (meaning more than one). Nothing against heterosexual men, mind--I'm very much in love with one, after all--but they have serious possessive instincts that would give them a hard time being comfortable in a relationship like that. Adding another girl to the relationship, like your friend did, doesn't pose the same threat that adding another guy would. Even the most free-love guy I've ever met got a little bit squirrelly when his girlfriend started giving other boys the 'eye'.

It's not entirely their faults, it's hardwired in the brains of most male mammals. I think polyamory is a nice idea but in the topsy-turvy-gray-shaded world of human relationships it probably doesn't pan out so well for 99% of people.

Not that full monogamy does either. A lot of couples, possibly most, are more monogamish that fully monogamous.

Morally? I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

I don't know that I've ever seen, like, one woman dating two hetero men, but I can think of one scenario that was best summed up by one of the women involved as "yeah, my best friend and I are really close. Actually...we're both sleeping with each other's boyfriends."

I think having structure like that is what makes it work. It wasn't a free for all--everybody was clear on the relationship dynamic. A and B were together, and C and D were together, and sometimes A dallied with C and B with D. Now that I look at it like that, that seems pretty close to swinging, actually.

 

[Mling]

By ALL means ANYTHING that makes her HAPPY is beyond questioning. That just plain old self-ism.

As that great religious icon, Stephen Stills, said, "If You are not with the one you love, love the one you are with." Peace and Love.

Not quite clear on how liking my partner to be happy when I'm not around is self-ish *ahem* self-ism.

 

[Everlasting33]

I, myself, have entertained the concept of polyamory and at times it can be quite appealing. Part of it is egocentric--I like all the attention from multiple men and feeling special. It's like a high. And, I certainly enjoy getting to know many people along the way.

That being said, I suspect that my decision toward polyamory would be motivated by low self-esteem and that is not something I want to invest in. As someone who is devoted toward self-growth and increasing emotional intimacy, monogamy works best for me. Dating multiple guys would encourage me to be more narcassistic, selfish, and it wouldn't strengthen commitment.

I don't care if other people do it. I just know that I would regress within character and value if I did.

 

[Mling]

I, myself, have entertained the concept of polyamory and at times it can be quite appealing. Part of it is egocentric--I like all the attention from multiple men and feeling special. It's like a high. And, I certainly enjoy getting to know many people along the way.

That being said, I suspect that my decision toward polyamory would be motivated by low self-esteem and that is not something I want to invest in. As someone who is devoted toward self-growth and increasing emotional intimacy, monogamy works best for me. Dating multiple guys would encourage me to be more narcassistic, selfish, and it wouldn't strengthen commitment.

I don't care if other people do it. I just know that I would regress within character and value if I did.

Hee, remember, you need to give attention to of them, too! Though, sounds like you've tried and it didn't work out well? Or is that based on prediction of how you'd respond? Well, either way--not to everybody's taste.

 

[Everlasting33]

Hee, remember, you need to give attention to of them, too! Though, sounds like you've tried and it didn't work out well? Or is that based on prediction of how you'd respond? Well, either way--not to everybody's taste.

I mean, I was 18 years old. A young kid. I was dating several guys at once and I really liked it. But, it gets old after a while. When I began seriously dating, it was too tempting for me to not have other men in my life.

I think its more natural for me to be involved in several people's lives than just one. But, I find that path more destructive and ultimately dissatisfying.

 

[Aeris]

I dont mind if other people do this, but it is not for me. Its not that I couldnt see myself having more than one relationship, but I could not see sharing my partner with someone else, so therefore it would be unfair to expect my partner to allow me to have a secondary relationship if I am unwilling to allow the same for them.

 

[40 Rabbits]

I have friends who are polyamorous. I certainly don't see it as promiscuous. Their relationships are very loving and there is tremendous commitment and caring involved. It is just that some people travel a lot and can only see certain friends on a periodic basis. That makes for difficulty in maintaining a monogamous relationship. I am monogamous. I can't help it. That being said, I think that polyamory works for some and not for others. I'm certainly not going to judge what works for others.

 

[razeontherock]

So...what do people think about it?

I wonder if you would be surprised to learn why God is opposed?

Nothing against heterosexual men, mind--I'm very much in love with one, after all--but they have serious possessive instincts that would give them a hard time being comfortable in a relationship like that. Adding another girl to the relationship, like your friend did, doesn't pose the same threat that adding another guy would. Even the most free-love guy I've ever met got a little bit squirrelly when his girlfriend started giving other boys the 'eye'.

I'll speak up that I'm an exception to this. I think it comes down to confidence and security. Any relationship I've ever been in, I've honestly felt that if someone else made her happier, that's what I want for her. To my mind, anything less is not love. (I'll also point out never has someone left me for another; coincidence?)

A and B were together, and C and D were together, and sometimes A dallied with C and B with D. Now that I look at it like that, that seems pretty close to swinging, actually.

Gee, ya think?

I suspect that my decision toward polyamory would be motivated by low self-esteem and that is not something I want to invest in. As someone who is devoted toward self-growth and increasing emotional intimacy, monogamy works best for me. Dating multiple guys would encourage me to be more narcassistic, selfish, and it wouldn't strengthen commitment.

I just know that I would regress within character and value if I did.

Is it possible we have a Creator that knows we function like this? Just thinking out loud ...

Its not that I couldnt see myself having more than one relationship, but I could not see sharing my partner with someone else, so therefore it would be unfair to expect my partner to allow me to have a secondary relationship if I am unwilling to allow the same for them.

Now THIS confirms the overwhelming bulk of what I have witnessed - that women are inherently jealous, and to an insane degree. (All except for one g/f, but wow was she crazy)

I don't find jealousy to be a virtue. (Btw, looking at your tagline(s), it appears we have been on many of the same threads, but I don't remember seeing you before!

 

[Blackwater Babe]

Hey Mling,

Short answer, so long as everyone involved gives their fully informed adult consent? I say more power to you, and much happiness may it bring.

ETA: There's a book you may be interested in called "Sex at Dawn" http://www.sexatdawn.com/ about just how much of human monogomay and alternatives are biological, and just how much is socially conditioned. Well worth a read. I'm happy to lend you a copy if you promise to return it.

 

[Mling]

I wonder if you would be surprised to learn why God is opposed?

If any deities decide to come chat with me, I'd certainly be willing to listen to them. Obviously, if a god comes, I'd have to scoot, but I'm up for talking with humans like you until then.

Is it possible we have a Creator that knows we function like this? Just thinking out loud ...

Where's this "we?" Different people function different ways.

Now THIS confirms the overwhelming bulk of what I have witnessed - that women are inherently jealous, and to an insane degree. (All except for one g/f, but wow was she crazy)

I don't find jealousy to be a virtue.

You know what, never mind what I said up at the top. I want nothing to do with you.

 

[Mling]

I dont mind if other people do this, but it is not for me. Its not that I couldnt see myself having more than one relationship, but I could not see sharing my partner with someone else, so therefore it would be unfair to expect my partner to allow me to have a secondary relationship if I am unwilling to allow the same for them.

I think that can work, but only if everybody's reeeeally ok with it. I mean, I've never had a secondary partner, but I've been cool with my ex and my current both having secondary (and tertiary) partners. I like seeing the joy they get out of those other relationships, and I'm satisfied with my current relationship the way it is. Don't know that I'd be ok with a partner saying I couldn't, but some people would be. Anyway, not saying you should try it, if you don't want to, but it might not be as infeasible or unfair as you might think.

 

[Mling]

I mean, I was 18 years old. A young kid. I was dating several guys at once and I really liked it. But, it gets old after a while. When I began seriously dating, it was too tempting for me to not have other men in my life.

I think its more natural for me to be involved in several people's lives than just one. But, I find that path more destructive and ultimately dissatisfying.

I do wonder about the "getting old," bit. I mean, my gf and I chat about marriage only semi-hypothetically. Neither one of us envisions a monogamous marriage, but I wonder if the poly aspect would just peter out over time. Hm. Not really worried, either way, though. It'll be interesting to see how that plays out.

 

[drstevej]

I think its more natural for me to be involved in several people's lives than just one. But, I find that path more destructive and ultimately dissatisfying.

Exactly, it might be more enjoyable to have four scoops of ice cream than one. Or to use the OP terms, four scoops might make you "happy." Buth happy and healthy are not always the same.

 

[drstevej]

Not quite clear on how liking my partner to be happy when I'm not around is self-ish *ahem* self-ism.

Would you like your daughter to be polyamorous as a teenager?