Poem needs critiquing

[Quixotic the Pedestrian]

Please be quite slanderous towards the poem structurally (besides it not being writtin in a typical line format). Maybe parts that could be explained better, or that sounded cheesy. I've edited it since plast posting, but I still feel it's lacking.

Education
We learned our ABC’s and 123’s, while we dreamed of sunlight, playing football and climbing trees. And thank God for our literacy, because you taught me how to breath the hell of fire towards your disease. I've got needs past these grades of C's and D's, and I won't stand to see you cut me off at the knees. So please don’t give me one more standardized test because I’m not standard. Call me sub-standard, but I’ve raised above your standard. I’m not going to be your failure. If you give me any more red X’s I’ll hand you’re test to you with green circles livid because of your pervicaious perspective on people portrayed as simple pimpled pupils. Stop trying to test my mental capacity because I don’t have a photographical memory. I see that instead of teaching life, your selling grades by retail to see who can remember the most insignificant details. Our cultural society is making headway like snails, while all of our kids are being expelled. Educate 20% of our young people, and expect them to carry our burdens like anvils. And they’ll drop it on our feet to answer their hand-helds. Our school believes in builds information like berating bats.—Beating broods of children over the head and throwing knives in backs. If you bleed on the carpet your out – haha, but not really. We'll force you back next year so as to steer your peers to fear. We might cry tears towards persecuted ears, then hand out citation to bullies for not coming this year. Here, take this Bruno, next time you’ll think twice. Telling kids a degree is worth more than their lives and tell the teachers to use grades to discourage rather than encourage; shed darkness instead of light. Lost sight for the artistic, I’m sorry for you all but creativity gets you black-listed. We only raise a generation of yes-men to get this. In case you missed it, I’ll CAPS SHIFT this; If you’re artistic, you’re already hopeless and genetically black-listed. BACKSPACE your hopes in business. HIGHLIGHT -- the highlife has been saved for the children of those who treat people like waste. COPY, and PASTE, PASTE, PASTE, and PASTE. You may say I’m over-exaggerating but examine the last political race. Bush Sr., Clinton, Jeb & GW Bush Jr. PASTE. Rick, and Paris hoe-ass Hilton PASTE. Earnheart Sr., Jr. PASTE. Martin, then Charlie Sheen PASTE. Bill to Luke Walton PASTE.

SPACE, TAB, RETURN, PAGE BREAK. Submitted poetry in 8th grade, but it was hated. Face it my teachers much needed critiques were wasted. My communication skills then didn't make it. Here's a message to our young and current future, the school system can be ruthless, but I beg to keep singing your song. Play this life like kings even when it treats you like pawns. Then if your education looks dark as night I will be your dawn.

 

[Silver Saint]

I really like this one, Quix. As a prospecting mentor, it really voices some of the same problems that I had with our current system.
Like you said, the form would lend much to the overall presentation. I think that much of the symbolism is dead on, though some phrasing might be tweaked. All in all, good job.
Go with God.



I am aware,
Isacc

 

[Pearls_FlamingFire]

I liked this poem. I don't know anything about poetry structure and I'm not that great on how words should be put together. But what I do say, it that this poem makes you think. I don't know what the school system is like in USA but here in NZ it really depends on the teacher you have. If you get one who wants to encourage you (like in the movie Teaching Forrester I think it is called, where Sean Connery a seasoned writer, teaches the young negro boy) its great, otherwise the other side of the movie's scenario comes into play. The professor who could not write himself, so always put down those with any great talent. It is a bit like the moon eclipsing the sun, the moon tries to get all the sun's glory, and takes the sun's glory from it.

 

[Quixotic the Pedestrian]

thanks guys (I've been hoping for somebody to pick this one up) .

silver saint, which part did you think could be tweaked, or didn't "fit" per se? I recently edited this before posting it to hopefully clear up some of the disjointedness I felt with it.

I feel like I've worked on this one about as much as I can by myself and need somebody to point to the things they liked on it, and the things they didn't as well.

Pearls - Finding Forrester.
And I agree that a teacher can make all the difference, but even still the good teachers many times have their hands tied, because they are trained and told to keep their distance. When a teacher goes outside of the grading system it turns out to be a largely bad thing in many cases.

Originally I wanted to teach, because I love 13+ year old kids.. but on the flip side, I don't know that I could willfuly abide by the schools regulations and still enjoy my job. Rather than causing myself the tension.. I just write poems about it from the outside

Oh one more thing. "the young negro boy", I'm sure it's just difference in culture, but be careful with Americans because negro is a highly sensitive word.

 

[Pearls_FlamingFire]

Dear Quixotic,

I'm sorry if I have offended you, or anyone else. It was not my intention. I'm from New Zealand, and I actually have not known any African-Americans, although my friend whom I live with, has said that she loves going to their churches, for they really love to worship the Lord, and many of their preachers have a really special anointing from God. I apologise again for my naiveness to your cultural differences.

 

[Quixotic the Pedestrian]

oh don't worry about it pearls. I'm far from offended.. I just wanted to "educate" (name of poem) you about our struggles out here.

I used to work with ESL students and became close friends within the Chineese community near the college campus. I enjoyed it so much, but we couldn't help but to chuckle at each other from time to time because we would sort of voilate each others cultures we come from unintentionally. I think a lot of times it shows more of how superficial our cultural social laws are

 

[One Son of Many]

I think the presentation took away from the whole of the poem. I had to spend a certain amount of time discerning the breaks between the ideas. My thoughts kept tripping over themselves. Sort of like when you walk behind someone too close and they abruptly stop. You wind up running into them. You have to be aware there are people like me (slow minds....hehe) out here reading your works.

How about trying it with breaks between ideas? It would give me (or the reader) time for my mind to refocus on the next idea. You have many good points! Treat them with the importance that they have! Show the reader that each point is worth slowly going over and understanding each concept. Use some kind of separation between points/concepts.

Great imagery! Good points! Overall, pretty good!

 

[Quixotic the Pedestrian]

[font=&quot]good word One Son. Just some background (I just posted this in another thread), my poetry is actually meant to be performed, and so reading in it sometimes difficult. It's spoken word poetry if you are familiar with the genre, and one characteristic that is fairly prevalent is the ability to change the rhythm, creating and then recreating it as the poem progresses. It's difficult for me to add structure because it takes away how I perform it. This particular piece here may be even more difficult than my usual poetry to stick with simply because of how I visualize it being heard (especially. the COPY/PASTE.... area)

I'd love to continue to hear your thoughts on the different poetry I put on here.. maybe it would help for you to catch the sound of it if you heard how it's performed. I have a website you can check out at http://www.soundclick.com/pedestrian
I'm in the process of rerecording all of the poems on there in a higher quality with beats in the background, but at the least it will give you an idea of the sound. Please get back with me if it helps or if you have additional thoughts.
[/font]