Poem: Living without Christ

[Hishandmaiden]

The beauty of the morning,
The wonder of the sky,
I took a walk around the park,
And I saw no people cry.

Children were walking and laughing,
Adults were busy talking about their lives,
Couples kissed in the part,
The beauty of the morning.

Yet, I know morning will pass,
Evening will come and darkens the sky,
People busy will leave their conversation in a hurry,
Couples kissing turned into their howls and cries,
Children not laughing, smiling or playing.

Then, there is night still waiting to come.
Is this the wonderful life,
A life without Christ?

 

[discipleofWORD]

Hmm... I'm a writer/poet myself. That is pretty good perspective.

May I ask about the behind the information of that poem? Is the night like the "trials and suffering" that people will go through? A nice contrast you have there.

I'll give out a tip that I learned this summer. I thought I was confident with my poems. But when I took a closer look, it shocked me that a poem I thought was flawless was "flawful!" It had a lot of errors. To me, editing poems are a pain in the mind at times. Always make you edit your poem so well that you're going to submit it to the magazine. "Part" should be "park" i think? A strong poem is one that is edited very well.

Daniel L. Kim

 

[yakkmeister]

You have tense errors:
Evening will come and darken the sky

this section is largely nonsensical:
People busy will leave their conversation in a hurry,
Couples kissing turned into their howls and cries,
Children not laughing, smiling or playing.

Check your contexts; that should deal with most of the problems in that section. eg:
busy people leave conversation in a hurry,
Couples kisses turned into howling cries,
Children, not laughing, smiling or playing.

The metaphor here is really good; life as a day is a very old metaphor, but a good one, I have even used it myself.

I think you should try some structured verse though; this metaphor works sweetly with sonnet forms.