My POCD is in full swing and I can't function
Generally speaking, I get these random impulses to do minor bad things, but like, it's at almost exactly the same time I'm making a mistake. Like I'll think "I'm gonna scuff my boyfriend's shoe on purpose," like a split second before I do it because I'm actually tripping into him. And I'll spend hours agonizing over whether my impulses changed the outcome of the event.
I'm replaying an event over and over right now. A few months ago I was walking in the store with a handheld shopping basket, and I had to squeeze past this mom and her teenage daughter, and like a split second before I worked my way past I had the thought that I was gonna touch the kid's bottom. And, I THINK, an observer would not have seen anything wrong with the situation: tight space, close quarters, I'm just trying to get past. But I'm convinced I touched her bottom, because I had the thought, and I didn't move further away than I could have. I think it was with the shopping basket though, not my hand.
I felt horrified at what I'd done. I'm constantly getting intrusive thoughts like this about different things, split seconds before it happens so I can't tell if I'm doing it on purpose or it's an accident, and I get intrusive thoughts about kids, too, and that's absolutely terrifying. So I don't go around kids much at all.
In this case I described, I got over it, maybe because it was such a weird conflicting situation to begin with. But I just thought of it again yesterday, and now I can't let it go.
I should have held the shopping basket further away. Or gone around. But instead, for a split second, I did nothing. Or i even nudged the basket closer to touch her, but I am also not totally certain i touched her. And it's been months ago, and I'm getting nowhere with rehashing this and trying to replay the memory. I feel sick, my mind won't let it go, I feel like I don't deserve my boyfriend because of this, and, even though I won't actually follow through, I've been having suicidal thoughts.
I hate this.
Generally speaking, I get these random impulses to do minor bad things, but like, it's at almost exactly the same time I'm making a mistake. Like I'll think "I'm gonna scuff my boyfriend's shoe on purpose," like a split second before I do it because I'm actually tripping into him. And I'll spend hours agonizing over whether my impulses changed the outcome of the event.
I'm replaying an event over and over right now. A few months ago I was walking in the store with a handheld shopping basket, and I had to squeeze past this mom and her teenage daughter, and like a split second before I worked my way past I had the thought that I was gonna touch the kid's bottom. And, I THINK, an observer would not have seen anything wrong with the situation: tight space, close quarters, I'm just trying to get past. But I'm convinced I touched her bottom, because I had the thought, and I didn't move further away than I could have. I think it was with the shopping basket though, not my hand.
I felt horrified at what I'd done. I'm constantly getting intrusive thoughts like this about different things, split seconds before it happens so I can't tell if I'm doing it on purpose or it's an accident, and I get intrusive thoughts about kids, too, and that's absolutely terrifying. So I don't go around kids much at all.
In this case I described, I got over it, maybe because it was such a weird conflicting situation to begin with. But I just thought of it again yesterday, and now I can't let it go.
I should have held the shopping basket further away. Or gone around. But instead, for a split second, I did nothing. Or i even nudged the basket closer to touch her, but I am also not totally certain i touched her. And it's been months ago, and I'm getting nowhere with rehashing this and trying to replay the memory. I feel sick, my mind won't let it go, I feel like I don't deserve my boyfriend because of this, and, even though I won't actually follow through, I've been having suicidal thoughts.
I hate this.
