Please pray

[megan_26]

Hello.

I've been single my entire life, mostly out of fear of what my Dad would say if I brought home a boy. But recently I've become friends with a nonbeliever who is by far the sweetest and most incredible person I have ever met. We like each other very much and have admitted this to each other, even held hands. However, my parents made it very clear that I'm not supposed to like him. So I'm currently disobeying my parents and going behind their back. I don't want to live a double life and the spirit has convicted me. I know I need to come clean and I want to. I don't want to sneak around.

However, this is a terrifying and daunting task for me. This person is a huge part of my life and even if I can't date him, I want him to be my friend. I feel that my mother will be understanding but dad will not be. He said when I first introduced this friend to the family that I "better not marry him because he's not a son-in-law I could be proud of". I've decided that I'm going to come clean to my mom but I have no idea how to approach telling my dad or if I even should. I'm terrified.

Again, this boy is a nonbeliever. He has stated before that he doesn't believe in God and doesn't think that he will, but recently he told me that he's willing to give up drinking and smoking and other bad habits if it means my parents will let us be together. He also told me that he's willing to "try God again".

I'm very torn and very, very scared. Am I making the right call? I'm very close to him and I don't believe in soulmates but he feels very right despite not being a Christian. I don't want to let him go. Additionally, he's a very damaged person and if I did decide to not tell my parents and just tell him we have to stop being friends, it would wreck him. I don't want to do that to him. Although that would be the easiest route. Then I could avoid the stress of ever having to tell Mom and Dad. But is that right? Probably not.

I need guidance. Please, please pray for me. And pray that my parents' hearts be softened and that they hear me out. I'm going to tell my mom very soon and I just need prayers and comfort. Thank you all.

 

[RaymondG]

ARe you 26? And do you still live with your parents? if so, any plans to live on your own?

 

[megan_26]

ARe you 26? And do you still live with your parents? if so, any plans to live on your own?

I'm only eighteen and yes, I do still live with my parents. I have plans to move out but not the means.

 

[YesMe]

You parents care for you and want the best thing for you, that is what parents should normally do.If your friend desires God for real, showing real changes in his life, than this is the starting point to make him known to all your family.If I may tell you something, what now seems perfect and a bless, later it can turn in a horrible situation, so, think hard, you are really young, life is full chances!

By the way, people come to God because of their inner desire for God, so things like "because I love you, I am going to give God another chance" are not trust worthy, if you leave this person, chances are that he may never turn back to God.He must show real changes in his life, time must pass for these changes to become part of his character.

 

[Dave G.]

This is a golden opportunity for you and your parents together to influence this young man and maybe bring him over time to see the light and perhaps you too. Either he starts to move towards God thus seeing that light or he doesn't and you see that he is not for you over the long haul, at least in a close relationship. Suppose he comes to Christ though, wouldn't that be the optimum outcome ?

As to your parents , they love you and don't want to see you hurt. A non believing , smoking , drinking young man might be a recipe for disaster further down the road if you guys continue and get really serious. And sweet heart, meanwhile keep your hormones in check.

 

[Endeavourer]

Megan, a marriage to an unbeliever has the potential to cause you a lot of problems. There is a reason why the Lord tells us to not be unequally yoked.

Right now you are growing feelings for this young man, which is similar to growing an addiction. This is what happens when we fall in love with someone. An addiction to the right person is beautiful. An addiction to the wrong person is as painful as an addiction to a wrong substance (like drugs or alcohol).

he reason an addiction to an unbeliever is generally very painful is that the unbeliever does not have the fruits of the spirit embedded in their hearts, and these fruits are therefore not being worked out into the marriage.

This creates a very painful imbalance to the believer; you offer him joy, love peace, longsuffering, tenderness, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance.

However, the unbeliever's unregenerated heart is full of the works of the flesh (some to greater degrees than others), which are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, hatred, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revelings and such like. This is at the root of what he offers you in an unconverted condition.

Read Galatians 5:14-25 over an over until you really absorb what it is saying.

I would step back your relationship to that as a friend and evangelist - and curb your growing feelings for him - to see what happens with his renewed interest in faith.

If you move on to marry him without a true conversion in his heart, you will likely be facing a very long lifetime of sorrow, of having to return good for evil habitually (this is very painful in a marriage), and of never being able to truly be one in mind and spirit with your husband.

Your growing addiction FEELS so beautiful right now. But use your head and realize where it is heading.

Also, do you want an unbeliever shepherding your children's hearts? How will he mentor your children in their faith journey? Children tend to migrate towards the parent without faith because their standards are easier and more fun.

As an 18 year old, you have been trained up well enough to be able to start making adult decisions for yourself - and this is one that will have lifetime consequences if you get it wrong.

You really already know this without needing your dad to say so, don't you?

 

[RaymondG]

I'm only eighteen and yes, I do still live with my parents. I have plans to move out but not the means.

While you are still living with your parents, it is important to respect their wishes. I would continue to just be strictly friends until you are able to move out and/or this guy shows your parents that he would be an acceptable mate for you. All he would have to do it give up the bad habits and give God an honest try..... If he feels the same way about you and you feel about him, these would be easy things to accomplish....and he would wait as long as he has to for you.

 

[megan_26]

Thank you all for your responses and wisdom. Through speaking with my mother and reading what you have written, I have to admit that yes, perhaps being with him is not a wise choice. I am young and my attachment to him is probably just due to our emotional connection.
I have since told him that we need to remain just friends, though I'm consumed with guilt because I feel I have lead him on, only to let him down. However, I know I did the right thing and in ending this before it went anywhere it wasn't supposed to.
Thanks again for your words of advice

 

[Dave G.]

Adding to what has been said already, something my pastor friend has told me more than once is when a non believer and believer end up married ,often the non believer drags the believer down vs the other way around.

If I were your dad I'd probably discourage marriage or even a serious relationship and be counseling you as to why, unless this guy really came to Jesus. I raised five children, three were girls ( now grown women in their 40's) and I can tell you that a Dad is very protective of his daughters, as I said he loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt. But I would hope that he is open to discussion with an 18yo daughter, now a young woman. Younger I can see him just stopping it but at this age you need to start thinking on your own with guidance. We are never too old for some guidance from family or friends or a pastor or someone from the body.. You want to be within your Christian walk on this. All you need to do is go visit the marriage/ relationship forums and see some of the headaches people have who married non believers. Often it ends in divorce after a decade of heart ache.

 

[Endeavourer]

An 18 year old woman with your upbringing likely finds it very difficult to say no to a young man you have grown to care about.

Please be very careful and think ahead to not be in a situation where your giving and loving heart will out rule your common sense in your relationship with him.

One a young woman has sexual relations with a man she loves, it is such a bonding experience that she becomes a "buyer" and is blinded to further rational observations or evaluations of the person. This can lead to the very bad situation of her ignoring or minimizing flaws in the relationship and proceeding into a poor marriage.

 

[Endeavourer]

Thank you all for your responses and wisdom. Through speaking with my mother and reading what you have written, I have to admit that yes, perhaps being with him is not a wise choice. I am young and my attachment to him is probably just due to our emotional connection.
I have since told him that we need to remain just friends, though I'm consumed with guilt because I feel I have lead him on, only to let him down. However, I know I did the right thing and in ending this before it went anywhere it wasn't supposed to.
Thanks again for your words of advice

Very wise decision on your part.

Here is a great article about picking the right person to marry.

With respect to the topic of different faiths, here's what Dr. Harley, a fantastic marriage relationship expert, has to say:

"A question often asked in a compatibility test is "Would you be willing to give up your religion to please your spouse?" It's not really a fair question, because it usually doesn't come to that drastic measure. But the point is important, and I would rephrase the question a little differently. I would ask, "Do you have any beliefs that would prevent you from following the Policy of Joint Agreement?" That is actually more to the point. Is there some belief that is so important to you that you would be willing to let your spouse suffer rather that give it up? If so, you should be certain that your spouse shares the same belief."

Here is the full article with a lot of great advice:
Choosing the Right One to Marry #2

 

[Endeavourer]

I noticed this in your footer:

Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It's a beautiful verse, and I think it answers this question very eloquently:

"Do you have any beliefs that would prevent you from following the Policy of Joint Agreement?" That is actually more to the point. Is there some belief that is so important to you that you would be willing to let your spouse suffer rather that give it up?"

Given that nothing will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord, it seems that your answer to those questions would be yes.

Dr. Harley's advice to that follows: "If so, you should be certain that your spouse shares the same belief."

 

[megan_26]

I noticed this in your footer:

Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It's a beautiful verse, and I think it answers this question very eloquently:

"Do you have any beliefs that would prevent you from following the Policy of Joint Agreement?" That is actually more to the point. Is there some belief that is so important to you that you would be willing to let your spouse suffer rather that give it up?"

Given that nothing will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord, it seems that your answer to those questions would be yes.

Dr. Harley's advice to that follows: "If so, you should be certain that your spouse shares the same belief."

Thank you for that article and for your advice. It is true that my beliefs and my faith are extremely important to me, so much so that I would be willing to give up anything else in order to remain with Christ. However, until this morning, I was only looking at it from the point of view of "my parents won't let me", which was part of my issue.

I find it interesting that now I have opened up to my mother about these feelings and looked at them objectively, I no longer have feelings for him in that way. Is this normal? I hope it doesn't make me a cold hearted person! Maybe I was just caught up in the joy of being liked!

 

[Endeavourer]

I find it interesting that now I have opened up to my mother about these feelings and looked at them objectively, I no longer have feelings for him in that way. Is this normal? I hope it doesn't make me a cold hearted person! Maybe I was just caught up in the joy of being liked!

Yes, it is perfectly normal. You realized it wasn't a good situation and adjusted your perception. Well done!

I'm so very thankful you were able to take a step back and look at it intellectually. Many women in your situation can't/don't/won't do that and end up in poor marriages.

 

[Endeavourer]

However, until this morning, I was only looking at it from the point of view of "my parents won't let me", which was part of my issue.

You did a beautiful job of maturing a notch today, then. I'm sure your dad would be very pleased with you!

 

[Dave G.]

Thank you for that article and for your advice. It is true that my beliefs and my faith are extremely important to me, so much so that I would be willing to give up anything else in order to remain with Christ. However, until this morning, I was only looking at it from the point of view of "my parents won't let me", which was part of my issue.

I find it interesting that now I have opened up to my mother about these feelings and looked at them objectively, I no longer have feelings for him in that way. Is this normal? I hope it doesn't make me a cold hearted person! Maybe I was just caught up in the joy of being liked!

Yes Megan, it can happen that way and no you are not cold hearted. Just about everything you wrote showed love, compassion and caring. And don't rule out that the devil might have been tempting you too though, and that was the alluring you felt. He is a defeated sneak thief. You have passed this test with flying colors in all directions !

 

[Dave-W]

I find it interesting that now I have opened up to my mother about these feelings and looked at them objectively, I no longer have feelings for him in that way. Is this normal?

Yeah it is. Sometimes darkness (aka being in secret) is the strength of wrong attitudes and feelings. Only by taking them into the light (so that others can see them) do they really start to come into proper focus.

 

[Dave-W]

Many women in your situation can't/don't/won't do that and end up in poor marriages.

Quoted for emphasis. This is so true.

BTW - guys can do that too. And with the same result.

 

[Dave-W]

no you are not cold hearted. Just about everything you wrote showed love, compassion and caring.

I would have put about a dozen "Agree" ratings on this if they allowed such a thing.

 

[megan_26]

Thank you all for your kind words! I feel a lot better now that I got that off my chest and now that things are clearer. My friend is having a difficult time swallowing this but I have full confidence that he'll be okay and he'll get through it.
It's funny but today I learned a lot about myself and I'm very grateful for all the support/wisdom I've gotten from all who replied. God truly does work in mysterious ways.