Please pray --problems w/ daughter

[Spiderlashes]

My daughter will be turning 4 years old next week and she just got kicked out of her 3rd daycare.

She's been in daycare since she was 5 months old. She was always a very busy, rambunctious little kids...very smart but what you'd call a bit of a handful. But we didn't think there was anything different about her.

Last year this time, I was pregnant w/ her little brother and not feeling well at all. I just couldn't do the things w/ her that I normally had. I could tell she was angry with me but I figured she'd get over it. When her baby brother was a few weeks old, she was kicked out of her first daycare -- a large daycare center.

I put her in an in-home place next, and she got herself kicked out of it w/in two months.

I tried another in-home place next and that was working out pretty well...until the provider decided she couldn't afford to do daycare anymore and needed to get a regular job.

So I put her in another in-home center and she was just kicked-out yesterday.

It's pretty much the same scenario each time -- not listening, tantrums when she doesn't get her way, playing too rough.

Since she was kicked out of the first center, I've had her in monthly sessions with a child behaviorist. The behaviorist says she's really too young to be diagnosed w/ ADHD but he feels pretty sure she does not have it. He says she is very bright and more mature than most kids he sees who are a lot older. He thinks she just has a very strong personality and that we've (DH and I) let her get away with too much. So he just works with her on little things like taking turns and accepting a "no" answer, etc. He even suggested we stop bringing her as her behavior seemed pretty good to him.

DH and I really try. We are doing almost everything we can. We've tried every form of discipline imagineable. We changed her bedtime, diet, activities. We've enrolled her in dance class and have her scheduled to start Sunday school at the first of the year. We give her plenty of opportunities to socialize w/ different children but we also spend some quality time w/ her alone, too.

I'm at the end of my rope. I hate having to keep changing them from one daycare center to another and explaining her history. And now it's not just affecting her but her baby brother, too. It takes me so long to find a good provider and feel comfortable leaving my kids there. Choosing a daycare is such a huge decision and is so very stressful for me.

I had really started to like the provider who just terminated her yesterday. The kids hadn't been there long but I believed this woman genuinely cared about them and would be in their lives for many years. I was starting to think of her as a friend and not just someone who provides daycare services.

But she kicked my kids out in the middle of week with absolutely no advance notice and gave me no opportunity to make new arrangements. She knows we both work and have no family to help us.

The daycare provider is 7 months pregnant. And clearly she is not up to caring for so many kids all alone. But it was only my two she kicked out and she made no offer of having them return after she has the baby and gets back to normal. She even told me that my daughter is a nice child but surely I realize she isn't "normal." And the kicker was, the asked me to pay her for the full week...when she kicked them out at 9:00 am on a Thursday.

I'm having very "uncharitable" thoughts toward this woman now. I am stressed about finding a new daycare arrangement for the kids. And I'm worried about my daughter -- will she grow out of this???

Please pray for us, if you can. Any advice would be appreciated, too. Thanks.

 

[Leanna]

Is there any way for you to stay home and correct the matter yourself?

 

[overit]

I agree, is it a possibility even for a short time?? What about getting someone to come to your home to care for them? More expensive but more one on one time, she might to better w/being at the house just w/her brother also. Get a nannycam and a million references?

I think those might be your only options since she's seeing a behaviorist already.
This is extremely important-and I beleive worth the financial sacrifice (however big) until you can help your daughter more.

 

[Black-bird fly]

Have you looked at your child's diet? If not give it a close look and do some research on how foods can effect the behavior of young children.

 

[GolfingMom]

Have you looked at your child's diet? If not give it a close look and do some research on how foods can effect the behavior of young children.

According to her OP they did look at diet.

I suggest staying home for a bit and correcting the problem yourself.

 

[Black-bird fly]

According to her OP they did look at diet.

I suggest staying home for a bit and correcting the problem yourself.

Whoops. I'll admit that when posts get long I start to skim. Sorry.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

You should definately try to stay home and deal with this yourself because it certainly isn't someone else's place to keep your child and try to teach them how to be gentle with other children, how to listen, and that tantrums will not be tolerated. You really should stay home with her and work with her. Sometimes kids outgrow this stuff, sometimes they get worse if nothing is done about it.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

You have to correct this behavior yourself as most have said.

If possible or maybe hire a good nanny to help you at home.

She is four, this is not normal behavior for a 4 year old. So it needs to be corrected before she gets kicked out of her preschools and expelled from normal schools.

 

[Chrystal-J]

Your story sounds like mine. Although, I was able to get the YMCA to take my son for daycare for about 2 years, until he went to kindergarten. He continued to have problems in school until he got older. I would say the major turning point was when he turned 12. He seemed to settled down (at least in school). He stopped getting into trouble and was able to get through the day with-out the extreme hyperactivity he had before.
I sought out help from the public schools. They were able to give my son some special education (for children with ADD/ADHD). That was very helpful. He had a disability and needed professional help. They were able to give him that help from the age of 3 on.
Hope things improve for you.
C J

 

[Green Orchid]

I agree with the staying home advice. Having changed daycares that many times, the instability could be affecting her behavior. Also having to adapt to new authority figures everytime is a challenge.

 

[Athaliamum]

What's her love language?

From the sounds of it, this started when she got her nose pushed out of joint with the pending arrival of competition. She may just need to be reaffirmed but you're not speaking her language, your speaking yours, so the signal isn't getting through - it's lost in translation. If you don't know what the love languages are they are:

1. Quality Time
2. Words of affirmation
3. Touch/physicality
4. Gifts
5. Doing things/acts of service

As you have said that you still try to give her quality time but that only counts if it is one on one and if it fun not purposely instructional? If she is getting this, then consider some of the other options. If she likes rough play it may be the physical touch that she craves - my advise would be to get on the floor and tickle wrestle, don't be afraid to rough it up (within reason of course).

Look at your own love languages if hers is hard to tell, it might give hers away.

For instance my husband's are 2 and 5, where mine are 3 and 1, our daughters are 3 and 5 - she got one from each parent.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

My reaction was the same as the others- do whatever it takes to stay home and provide her with a stable, predictable environment. Set up a daily routine. Pick a method of discipline and stick with it, rather than not letting her know what to expect.

 

[Hadassah]

Stability is something she needs. Firstly, her age is usually a difficult one, and with a new baby coming/now here, she feels put out of place in the family.

One thing she needs to know is she isn't now second class and never will be, but that with new baby brother or sister that there are now "two babies" in the house.

You and your DH have to be on the same page about discipline. If you are sending to a daycare (in-home or not), they n eed to be aware of her issues and how you handle it, so they're on the same page.

There are always some kids (like me) who love to just push the envelope for the reaction, until they know the reaction is justified and or/swift.

 

[KRAZYCAT]

I will pray for you. I have been there. And for mine it was a combination of his diet, sleep, his allergies. He is 19 now and still doesn't do well with change. Some kids just need to be able to stick it out in one place no matter their attitude to get to know the rules. I feel for you, too bad you don't live close to me. I would help you.