What I am about to speak about might be "scary" for some and very selfish of me. I have both adult ADHD and bipolar disorder. Please don't run away from this. I know that mental disorders bring thoughts of crazy people but I am not. These are real illnesses with very bad symptoms. It is ruining my life. I do take medication for it but is only puts a mask on the illness, it doesn't make it go away.
I know that for whatever reason God has I was born with this. I know that He has a plan but I don't know how much longer I can last. This is a on going problem I have had since childhood. I am a normal person. I have a normal life but everyday I take medication for this and that time of day is a reminder of my illness.
I can't work (believe me i have tried), I can't function in normal everyday situations and it is a never ending cycle of ups and downs. Not the normal roller coaster of life but of having break downs and finding a way to pick myself back up. This has really been hard on my family. It really hurts them to see this happening to me.
Last year I started having seizures for about three months. They were stress induced but they were still seizures. I can feel myself falling apart. I have been praying almost everyday for God to take this away from me. I don't know why the path He gave me has this in it but I don't want it. It is starting to effect my physical health now.
I am very scared that one day I will be so broken that there will be no picking myself back up. There are people who rely on me and if I fail they fail too. How is this going to help them or me? So I am asking for prayers to have this illness taken from me. For the emotional roller coaster to stop. I don't want to rely on pills to make me this so called normal that everyone wants me to be. Why can't I just be me and live life? Why did I have to be given this horrible illness that makes me feel like I am dieing inside, slowly? I know that no one here has the answers to my questions but they are always there.
I used to think that it was because I had to have the experience to help others from going through this but there is no one there to help. I can't even handle the stress of collage to get my degree in psychology to help others with this same illnesses. I will literally have trouble breathing and have had uncontrollable screaming fits while for no reason. That is why I had to stop working. It was embarrassing and bad for the company.
I have other issues from the illnesses that have affected other areas of my life. For example I can't concentrate on things long enough to finish my thoughts on what I am doing. The medications are making me gain weight even with regular exercise and a healthy diet. The breaking point of this was last year when the seizures started that I realized that medication can not be the only way. There has to be another way, right?
I know that it is wrong of me to say this but It is not fair! Why do I have to be the person with this? Why can't God just take it away? Am I unloved, unworthy, am not good enough for Him? What is the reason that he chose me to have to deal with this? I am surrounded by good people who don't have to deal with this. What ever issues they face they are able to overcome them and move on. I one other hand watch this in awe because every break down is another step to the end of me.
I don't believe in suicide but I can see why people do it. When you are the root of your own pain you can't blame someone for it. You can't point a finger and say "If you hadn't thrown the chain saw me I could still be walking because you cut of my legs"! I know that it is me. There is something in me that keeps me from having control over my emotions and thoughts. The blame is in me though I don't know what to blame in me. Did I do something bad as child? Is there something wrong with me like a defective computer? A defective computer would be thrown out if it couldn't be repaired. Why have I not be disposed of then?
I don't want to die yet. Though I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this. I pray and talk to God he is my Father and Friend. Yet I am still suffering. The doctors can not do much more since my body has begun to reject most medications now. I have actually become allergic to a few that I took in the past, another example of how this illness have become physical.
So please I am begging God to take this away from me. Let me live my life without pills. Let me rely on God alone to be my medication to make the illness better.
I know that for whatever reason God has I was born with this. I know that He has a plan but I don't know how much longer I can last. This is a on going problem I have had since childhood. I am a normal person. I have a normal life but everyday I take medication for this and that time of day is a reminder of my illness.
I can't work (believe me i have tried), I can't function in normal everyday situations and it is a never ending cycle of ups and downs. Not the normal roller coaster of life but of having break downs and finding a way to pick myself back up. This has really been hard on my family. It really hurts them to see this happening to me.
Last year I started having seizures for about three months. They were stress induced but they were still seizures. I can feel myself falling apart. I have been praying almost everyday for God to take this away from me. I don't know why the path He gave me has this in it but I don't want it. It is starting to effect my physical health now.
I am very scared that one day I will be so broken that there will be no picking myself back up. There are people who rely on me and if I fail they fail too. How is this going to help them or me? So I am asking for prayers to have this illness taken from me. For the emotional roller coaster to stop. I don't want to rely on pills to make me this so called normal that everyone wants me to be. Why can't I just be me and live life? Why did I have to be given this horrible illness that makes me feel like I am dieing inside, slowly? I know that no one here has the answers to my questions but they are always there.
I used to think that it was because I had to have the experience to help others from going through this but there is no one there to help. I can't even handle the stress of collage to get my degree in psychology to help others with this same illnesses. I will literally have trouble breathing and have had uncontrollable screaming fits while for no reason. That is why I had to stop working. It was embarrassing and bad for the company.
I have other issues from the illnesses that have affected other areas of my life. For example I can't concentrate on things long enough to finish my thoughts on what I am doing. The medications are making me gain weight even with regular exercise and a healthy diet. The breaking point of this was last year when the seizures started that I realized that medication can not be the only way. There has to be another way, right?
I know that it is wrong of me to say this but It is not fair! Why do I have to be the person with this? Why can't God just take it away? Am I unloved, unworthy, am not good enough for Him? What is the reason that he chose me to have to deal with this? I am surrounded by good people who don't have to deal with this. What ever issues they face they are able to overcome them and move on. I one other hand watch this in awe because every break down is another step to the end of me.
I don't believe in suicide but I can see why people do it. When you are the root of your own pain you can't blame someone for it. You can't point a finger and say "If you hadn't thrown the chain saw me I could still be walking because you cut of my legs"! I know that it is me. There is something in me that keeps me from having control over my emotions and thoughts. The blame is in me though I don't know what to blame in me. Did I do something bad as child? Is there something wrong with me like a defective computer? A defective computer would be thrown out if it couldn't be repaired. Why have I not be disposed of then?
I don't want to die yet. Though I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this. I pray and talk to God he is my Father and Friend. Yet I am still suffering. The doctors can not do much more since my body has begun to reject most medications now. I have actually become allergic to a few that I took in the past, another example of how this illness have become physical.
So please I am begging God to take this away from me. Let me live my life without pills. Let me rely on God alone to be my medication to make the illness better.
