Please help!!!!

[whatdoido2]

I have been really struggling regarding my boyfriend. We have had some awful fights, but I love him so much.

We live 3 hours away from each other. He used to commute several times a week to see me. I had a great job (albeit his is better). My hours sucked. So he often came to me.

I have a 9 year old son. My BF is very well off and finally said he would support me quitting my job and moving in with him. Well my divorce is still quite fresh. My ex freaked out and started a legal process to prevent me from moving my son. Well, he got a lot of family money and has won so far.... My son would stay living with his dad and I would have to pay child support. The same would be true if I stayed in the same city because my work hours are long and extreme and my ex "works from home" and can be around our son more in the afternoons.

So even on this face value... Moving to be with my BF is tough. Only seeing my son every other weekend... And summers.

Then consider the fact that my BF is extremely jealous. Early on, he found a text message from my ex (after snooping) that revealed ex still wanted to get back together w me and mentioned a time "recently" when we were alone together and that he enjoyed talking to me.

I told my BF that he was overreacting and he eventually calmed down. Well, about 3 days later he busted into my text messages again and found texts from another guy who was flirting w me. I did not say anything inappropriate but my BF nearly broke up w me over that.

Since then, he reads my texts like a hawk. If I'm texting someone .. He wants to know who it is. And he is often going through my phone. I told him I have nothing to hide. But he will constantly look at me and say "why are you acting so nervous" or "why do I feel like you are so distant?"

It got so bad the other night ... His accusations that my trip to see my lawyer was actually a trip to meet another man! He said that he was texting my attorney and that if I was REALLY meeting with him... I could tell him what the text said. My attorney thought we were insane. I was so mad I said I wasn't coming back to his house. He started texting that he thought he was going to die. That he was having chest pain ... He was so upset. Then he said he was "so sorry for everything he'd done... That his life was over without me."

I called 911 after he wouldn't respond to my calls or texts. Turns out he was just fine. He said he was just drunk and passed out. And that he and the paramedics were having a blast ... Since he was so stupid drunk.

Well since this incident... We've made up. All is better. But he is very suspicious of me. Of everything. My son and I are staying w him for Xmas break ... And BF wants me to live with him permanently and he wants to get engaged.

I do not know what to do. The thought of being w out him kills me... But I am concerned about how cntrolng he can be. What do you think?

 

[dayhiker]

personally, I'd not spend any time with someone that is that jealous. So many stories of things just getting worse as time goes on.

 

[whatdoido2]

I am really struggling because I love this man. But he acts so extreme. He asks me 100 times a day if I still love him. Then we haven't slept together while my son is visiting and he said he felt I was very distant and "weird" and that he felt I didn't love him anymore.

He said he wants me happy. But that things seem to be a "nightmare" because I'm hiding that we sleep on the sme room from my 9 year old son.

Meantime, I tell this man that he's gorgeous and that I love him ALL the time. Hourly!

And now I have my ex asking if we can have Xmas dinner together with our son and my BF is livid. He won't let me be alone with him for more than 2 minutes.

In fact, my ex asked me to finalize our legal issues in person...at a coffee shop. My BF said he would not approve. And freaked out.

Are these things normal?

 

[chapmic]

No, these are not normal. Your ex does not trust you and it will only get worse if you move in with him. I'm not sure if he can change or if he is willing to change but I would advise you slow down things in the relationship and not move in with him or stay over. Go visit him a couple of times a week and keep it regulated for now and hopefully his behavior will change. I will be praying for you, him and your son! God bless!

 

[Dari0]

Being clingy with no trust like that is so unattractive in the opposite sex. This guy has trust issues. But at the same time you have to be real with him, tell him things that you think would hurt him, to gain his trust, dont wait for him to find out things, thats just going to start chaos.

Praying.

 

[Johnnz]

There are some very real danger signs for a long term relationship there. There appears to be little depth of Christian character in the situation too.

You need some support and wise godly counsel.

John
NZ

 

[dayhiker]

whatdoIdo ... from the response of your 2nd post, I'd say dump him no matter how much you love him. He is doing all the opposite things that I think he should be doing. He isn't supporting your son and his relationship with his father .. very bad in my book. The way he is treating you I find to totally be disrespectful of you as a person, human being.

I say his behaviour is not acceptable under any circumstances.

You might want to ask yourself why you accept this man treating you the way he does.

 

[whatdoido2]

I think what is so hard for me is that I truly believe he loves me and give the world for me. But he's paranoid and jealous. And he can barely work (he's a surgeon) without texting on breaks to see if I'm okay.

He wants me with him so badly. He can't help himself .. He's obsessive with me.

I do not know how to leave him. I love him. But if i don't leave this week and return to my job after holidays...(I lived/worked 2.5 hours from him) I will lose my job. I have a career that pays 190k a year. But he makes a lot more. So he can't understand why I just won't quit and move to be with him asap. He gave me a credit card and told me to just not worry about working for awhile.

I am so independent .. It's very hard for me. I love being successful and $$$ earner.

But I love him.

 

[Johnnz]

Both are powerful reasons. But you marry a person not a credit card. What is the Christian commitment of you both?

John
NZ

 

[whatdoido2]

We are both Catholic. But I'd say I'm far more concerned about it than he is. He went to church w us last Sunday. But that was probably second time in a year. However, he prays a lot. And he also believes in good character.

 

[Johnnz]

We are both Catholic. But I'd say I'm far more concerned about it than he is. He went to church w us last Sunday. But that was probably second time in a year. However, he prays a lot. And he also believes in good character.

He needs more than that. He needs to actually know and seek to serve Jesus, not just believe some things about Him. His behaviour towards you is indicative of someone who dues not exhibit the Life of The Spirit living within. That is not a judgement, just an observation of a very important principle.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[whatdoido2]

I have been really trying to find a sign. Or an obvious answer and it just hasn't been easy. That is why I came here. I have such a strong bond to this man.

But I need to know what is reasonable. He is terribly jealous of my ex. And my son asked me if I wiuld eat Xmas dinner with him and his dad. My son his 9.
My BF has freaked. Said no. I asked if I could just take my son (2.5 hrs each way home) with him.. Alone. To give us some alone time. Then see my ex and son open presents and then turn around and come back to my BF.

He flipped out. He said that was outrageous. Now BF did invite EX to HIS mansion (to rub it in I'm sure) for Xmas dinner. Of course ex said NO

I feel so confused. Son wants alone time w me. Ex wants dinner w son and me. And BF wants me and no interaction with ex.

I want to comfort my son. And I also want to be there for my ex. He's alone at Xmas. I don't want that for anyone. But BF thinks I want to get back w him. Which is not true. I'm only trying to alieviate pain.

 

[Johnnz]

You can't juggle them all.

My priorities would be:
1 son
2 your new guy but he must accept your 1
3 your ex. He is now ex. Whatever that relationship remains as, he is not your priority now above the first two.

John
NZ

 

[whatdoido2]

Well last night he snatched my phone out of my hand and found a Facebook message from an old guy co worker saying merry Xmas. Miss talking to you. Why are you a woman of few words these days? And I responded back and said. Thanks. Yes few words. Sorry. Been busy. Hope you have great holiday.

My BF flew off the handle. Said that it was inappropriate and that he can't trust me. And that I should not be trusted since I sneak around sending messages behind his back.

I handed him the phone. Saud call him. Call or text anyone. Just ask. I have nothing to hide.

That turned into a 3 hour fight where he said he didn't think I loved him anymore. And that I've destroyed our relationsjip and ruined Xmas.

I am visiting with my son at his house. His whole family is here. He's now apologized. But I think I need to leave him. What do I do? It's Christmas eve!!!

 

[chapmic]

Well last night he snatched my phone out of my hand and found a Facebook message from an old guy co worker saying merry Xmas. Miss talking to you. Why are you a woman of few words these days? And I responded back and said. Thanks. Yes few words. Sorry. Been busy. Hope you have great holiday.

My BF flew off the handle. Said that it was inappropriate and that he can't trust me. And that I should not be trusted since I sneak around sending messages behind his back.

I handed him the phone. Saud call him. Call or text anyone. Just ask. I have nothing to hide.

That turned into a 3 hour fight where he said he didn't think I loved him anymore. And that I've destroyed our relationsjip and ruined Xmas.

I am visiting with my son at his house. His whole family is here. He's now apologized. But I think I need to leave him. What do I do? It's Christmas eve!!!

Yes, leave him. Jesus wants you and your son to be safe especially for his birthday. I will be praying for you!

 

[whatdoido2]

Is there any way that my relationship with my BF could work? I have to decide today. And it's so tough. I love him.

 

[Johnnz]

He looks to have some very real issues. I fear he could be very controlling once married. I wouldn't counsel you to go with him until and unless good pastoring and counselling had produced far better character development in him.

John
NZ

 

[dayhiker]

whatdoIdo ... I have a rule for all my relationships, if they want me to stop being a friend with anyone of my friends I end the relationships with them.

You might talk with his parents about this behaviour of his.
But I'm thinking its not good for your son to see him acting this way and it be emotionally draining to go thru this.
I'd not accept that you wrecked Christmas ... he was the one that wrecked it.

If you stay with him, I'd say he has got to learn to be honest and get a lot of counselling to understand why he is this way.
Let us know what you decide.

 

[TheGirlOnFire]

Their is a alot of warning signs here...

He doesn't understand about your job - he wants you be depenedent on him

texting all the time - Control

Issue with your son/ ex - jealously

you have to tell him 100 times a day you love him - Power


Love isn't suppose to that hard... i suspect this is emotional and mental abuse... and over time it gets worse and worse and worse..


Also for you to post this one here say something in it's self

 

[dayhiker]

Just rereading your posts ... sounds like he is asking you to make all the changes to accommodate his jealousy issues and he isn't trying to learn how to trust you. You have a right to have friends but he would take them all ways from you, even your son! I agree with the above priority list, your son comes before him.