Please help

[jlsilva]

I am from a small country in Africa and lived there until about age 6. Witchcraft is very prevalent in our country, and even from a small age I was completely debase. Then I went to live in Italy with my aunts and uncle and there we practiced Roman Catholicism. Though I was still wicked, it was not to the same level of Africa and now practicing the Catholic religion I cleaned up my act a bit. I lived in Italy until age 11, and in the mean time my mom was here in the U.S. and got saved. When I cam to live with her she explained to me the difference between Catholicism and protestants, and it was as if scales fell off my eyes, then I said the sinner's prayer, started reading the Bible prayed every night and thought I was saved. Starting in about 9th grade I began to clean up my act more (stopped lying, stealing, gossiping...). Then in the fall/winter of 2010 I went through very stressful times where I could see no way out, so I decided to trust the Lord with the entire situation, and continued to clean up my life more, eventually getting baptized because I realized I was disobeying on the matter. Then in the beginning of 2011 one day my mom became very sick and within a day was almost in a vegetated state. I was still a minor, and she was a single mother, and all our family exept one uncle was living oversees. I was very panicked but, I know that the Lord loves my mom a lot, and He got us through those times. (Just as mysteriously as she got sick she then got better and the doctors were not very sure as to why she got sick in the first place). This entire incident helped me to really understand that the Lord is very powerful and we really do not need to fear.
In the midst of this I began writing a journal so I would have a record of all the Lord did, and once I graduated, I began to read the Bible seriously. I really thought I was saved and would often watch videos of people who talked about the Lord's love and being in His presence... and I always wondered why none of that happened to me. Also with everyone always talking about being broken hearted I took that on as well and figured that because as a child growing up without parents I decided to not trust anyone that was why I didn't experience the Lord's love that everyone talked about.

Anyways, as I continued seriously reading the Bible I began to see more and more of my sinfulness. I was previously self righteous and didn't truly understand Jesus's sacrifice on the cross and thought it was only for criminals or drug addicts or the really bad stuff I did. But, once I arrived at Job and saw what the Lord considered righteousness, I realized I wasn't, and once in proverbs 30:17 I was hit in the face with the fact that not only am I not good enough, but I am unimaginably wicked as well.

I quickly noticed that the whole broken hearted thing was not my condition at all, and all the immeasurable wickedness I was committing against my godly mother. To say the least, ever since I began living with her, I started despising her, and was very bitter against her (thought she never did anything deserving such a treatment). I had self righteously obeyed her but was unimaginably wicked in my heart and despised her. I saw my sin and for an entire week was terrified at the judgment I deserved. I fasted and slep on the floor, then I understood the Gospel.

Though I deserve hell a thousand times over, the Lord was amazingly merciful enough to send His holy and beloved Son to take our punishment.

I was completely overjoyed and realizing how wicked I was in return to the Lord, I started chaning my behavior to make it pleasing to Him. I got over the fear of witnessing and was able to share the Gospel with several acquaintances and random people. On several instances I felt lead to call certain people and when I obeyed, two were able to fully understand the Gospel, and one is now reading her Bible for the first time.
I grieved and mourned over sin and finally understood the hymns I'd been hearing (amazing grace especially).

Also I know I repented in October because I wrote it down on my journal, and at the time I had no idea what repentance was or that I needed to do it.

Then in December/January I sinned against my mother and did not grieve over it. I was disturbed by this and by the fact that I had lied to someone and was not grieved either.
This disturbed me so much that eventually I started thinking the Lord was very angry with me.
I then began to live in fear of His wrath and was too afraid to pray, but continued reading my Bible.
Then as I would sin more and more, I came across the verse in 2 Peter 3:14 ( be diligent to be found spotless and blameless). I realized that if Jesus were to come back or I to die I was not spotless or blameless and thought I would go to Hell and the Lord was really angry with me.
I stopped reading the Bible as avidly because I was too afraid to open it since I was not doing everything it said to.

I continued this way until now (in fear and many doubts) now I'm to the point that I doubt if I am even a Christian. I am haunted by 1 john 3:14 because I do not know love at all, and have never loved anyone but myself. I feel as one of those without even natural affection. I do not love my mother (who is the godliest mother on the planet) and none of my family (though I have not seen some for more than 10 years and because others or I changed countries so often I stopped trying to become attached back when I was a kid)

Now I am living in complete confusion wasting time. I have not been able to read the Bible, it seems ther is just something in me that cannot, I am in sin and not grieved, I think the Lord hates me and have not prayed seriously since December, I think I am going to hell, I confess tihngs to Him but keep doing them and am thus mocking Him.
I am in desperate need of wisdom but cannot ask for it because I have no faith that my prayers would be answered. I am in constant confusion not knowing which way to take. At this point after hearing of stories from persecuted Christians or just other Christians I doubt whether I am really saved, and do not think I am but I do not know how to even repent with the sorrow and grief I had last year.

I want to be determined to read the Bible, and quit sinning like I did last year, but I just don't.

I really do not know what to do anymore, I am in fear of death and of everything. I am very frustrated and do not know what to do.
Every time I even think about praying I feel as if I am in some sin (probably not loving my mother and step-father or anyone else) and the Lord is really angry with me. And I have given up on trying to know Him like I did last year because I really don't think He wants me and then I am reduced to just trying to make it to heaven but that is very shallow.

I am at the end of the road now just waiting to die and the judgment I deserve to come.

If there is any hope out there I ask for help. BUt I am at a state right now that I do not even think I will get any help.

 

[Johnnz]

God is not angry with you. We can forgive and work through issues with parents. But that does not mean we will have great feelings towards them.

You met with God and your life changed. God is still there with and for you. Relax and get on with your life together with God. The Christian life is a journey, with Jesus there with you always.

John
NZ

 

[Bible2]

jlsilva said in post #1:

I am haunted by 1 john 3:14 because I do not know love at all . . .

You could, without realizing it (Rom. 13:10), for true love is expressed in actions (& non-actions), not in mere feelings or words (1 Jn. 3:18).

 

[paul1149]

Romans 6.14 tells us that sin will not have dominion over us, because we are not under law, but under grace. You know the forgiveness of God, but you are still judging yourself. Naturally, when you find yourself falling short (see Romans 7), you shrink back from God and His word, in understandable fear.

This is an old covenant dynamic. They had a mountain that could be touched, but which was shrouded in darkness and terrors. We can go confidently to the throne of grace for help in time of need. They were in bondage to law and condemnation. The law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set us free from the law of sin and death.

If you understand grace, you will see that when you fall short, it no longer is on you. Jesus bore all that sin on the Cross. The only issue left is whether you will continue to trust and walk in His grace. But in order to do that, you have to know about it.

You are forgiven. God is no longer counting your sins against you. That is why Romans 6.14 works. Because our failings no longer separate us from God, we can remain plugged in, and His power, perfected in weakness, will give us the victory. This is why we say it's a relationship rather than religion. It's grace rather than works. It's Christ's completed work, not our performance.

If you understand this, you will see that all this stuff is the devil's attempt to separate you from God. But it has all been paid for. The devil is defeated and you no longer need to be under his influence. You need to know your New Covenant rights and walk in them. God has not abandoned you, and will not. The precious Blood speaks eloquently, indeed, on your behalf. Trust in it, and don’t let the devil trick you into thinking you are rejected.

 

[Emmy]

Dear jlsilva. God is Love, and God still loves you, but you must let Him know that you love Him and want His help. Tell God in prayer how sad you are and how much you love Him and need Him now. In Matthew, chapter 22, verses 35-40, Jesus tells a Lawyer: " The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like it: Love thy neighbour as thyself."
God wants our love, and God wants us to love our neighbour ( all others, friends and not friends) as we love ourselves. Treat all you know and all you meet, as you would love to be treated: with kindness and friendly words, with helpful hands and encouraging smiles, be a good neighbour to all around you. God will see your sincere efforts, and God will approve, and bless you. Also, God will know that you love God, because you are following His Commandments to love and care.
Jesus will give you His Love and Joy, and the Holy Spirit will empower you with love and care all around you. Jesus told us, " Ask and ye will receive," then thank God, and share all Love and Joy with all around you. Love is the strong weapon of a Christian, and Love will help you to overcome all, and turn all for the better. You will find that people will treat you as you will treat them, and your life will be filled with love and kindness and goodness. God will let you know what He wants you to do for Him, and your neighbour. God loves you, jlsilva, and Jesus will help and guide you all the way: Jesus is The Way. I say this with love. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[AmbryRye]

I am going to give you some specific words to pray. Pray them aloud daily. You can even pray it over and over if you want.

First, though, do you praise God when you pray? There are certain elements of daily prayer that are vital. Try this formula:

Praise
Ask for forgiveness of your sins
Pray for others
Ask Him to order your steps
Ask Him to change you. Say, Change me, Lord. Kill off the parts of me that are displeasing to You and fill me with You.

Then pray this. This is from the book Praying God's Word: for Teens and Young Adults by Stephanie A. Mayberry. I have permission from the author to post this excerpt here.

8 The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your loving kindness, O LORD, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands. ~Psalm 138:8

6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ ~Philippians 1:6

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, selfcontrol; against such things there is no law. ~Galatians 5:22-23

6 Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, 7 having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude. ~Colossians 2:6-7

Jesus, I want you to live in me so that Your light shines from me and Your fruits are mine. Lord, help me to bring these things into my life: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Perfect that good work you began in me. I want to walk in you, be firmly rooted in you and be built up in you. Live in me, Jesus and I will always give you the glory.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way. ~Psalm 139:23-24

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all. ~Psalm 139:1-4

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit. ~Psalm 51:10-12

4 Make me know Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.
6 Remember, O LORD, Your compassion and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they have been from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
According to Your lovingkindness remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD. ~Psalm 25:4-7


Finally, do you attend church now? It may be that you need to attend a different church, one that is experienced in dealing with spiritual attacks (Apostolic churches are very adept at this - some Pentecostal and Charasmatic churches are not so good).

 

[parsley]

God's standards have not changed, but His forgiveness was offered through Christ, for all people and all time. There are many places in the Bible where God seems to love remorse, and honors it. You are in a place of remorse.

I'd like to also bring up that there are natural instincts we have to become independent. That inner feeling of resenting your mom might start with a chemical change in you that God created -- something that spurs us all to spread out and start new lives, like dandelion seeds flying out to land on new ground. Birds pushing their young out of the nest, and the young falling on the ground and trying to fly...part of natural cycles.

You can manage that by resisting saying cruel things or destroying what she has built up... but also let it play out by taking wise steps toward creating your own life and future.

Then in December/January I sinned against my mother and did not grieve over it. I was disturbed by this and by the fact that I had lied to someone and was not grieved either.
This disturbed me so much that eventually I started thinking the Lord was very angry with me.
I then began to live in fear of His wrath and was too afraid to pray, but continued reading my Bible.
Then as I would sin more and more, I came across the verse in 2 Peter 3:14 ( be diligent to be found spotless and blameless).

 

[Radagast]

...I grieved and mourned over sin and finally understood the hymns I'd been hearing (amazing grace especially)...

Then in December/January I sinned against my mother and did not grieve over it. I was disturbed by this and by the fact that I had lied to someone and was not grieved either.
This disturbed me so much that eventually I started thinking the Lord was very angry with me...

Even after we become Christians, we still fall into sin. Which is why Jesus taught us to pray "forgive us our sins." And God does forgive them:

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:8-14)