Please help

[fallingapart]

Hello,

I am struggling hugely with my faith at the moment, and I think it's got something to do with OCD. I have had OCD for as long as I can remember, even as a little girl I had obsessions and compulsions. Things became particularly bad when I was a teenager - I was washing my hands 50+ times a day, counting things in multiples of four and avoiding certain 'unsafe' numbers. At this point I wasn't a Christian, but I used to pray and my prayers became increasingly obsessive, asking for forgiveness over and over until it 'felt right'.

I became a Christian about 1 and a half years ago. But I have always doubted my salvation. Not because I didn't trust God to keep his promises, but because I thought I wasn't repenting properly.

This is something I am struggling with at the moment. It is a complete nightmare. There have been times when I have been virtually inconsolable as I have managed to convince myself I am going to Hell and that there is nothing that can be done to remedy that.

I know that I am a sinner and that I need Jesus to save me. But I often get thoughts going round my head like 'you're not THAT bad are you?' or 'you're not really a sinner are you?'. Or when I consider the cross or my sinfulness, I get a feeling of non-specific unease which I interpret as meaning I don't really believe in my sinfulness, much as I know I need do. I don't know how I can know what I believe.

I also worry about 'feeling the right feelings'. So if I read the Bible and I read about the cross, then I feel like I should feel grateful. And if I don't feel like that then I feel like that must mean I'm not really a Christian. Or sometimes people ask me, "do you find that you love Jesus more and more?" and then I feel uneasy because I'm not sure that I do, and then I panic and think that it must mean I'm not really a Christian.

I am in a perpetual state of doubt, just wanting to rest in God's arms, but feeling incapable of this. It distresses me so much sometimes I just sit and cry.

I have tried to get help from my christian friends/pastors/women's workers etc etc etc, but nobody seems to understand what I'm going through.

Please help me.

Thank you

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Fallingapart...firstly I just want to say that I do understand at least to some degree what you are going through. I say to some degree cos everyone is unique and my obsessions will vary from yours but what you are describing and the way you are thinking and feeling are doubting cycles I can identify with. If my salvation depended on me feeling right I'd be lost...people talk about being in love with Jesus and sometimes I struggle to even feel anything good when I read the bible cos I am so finely tuned to any condemnation that that is all I feel. I know He was kind to a lot of the people but I often think He will treat me as He treated the pharrisees. The trouble is while we are in the grip of pathological doubt which is how OCD has been described, it is very hard to feel at peace with a faith that requires we lean on what someone else has done for us not on us somehow getting or doing or feeling it right!

It is distressing when others don't get it...that's why this place is so fab...the majority of people aren't going to understand and will respond to you as they would to a non-OCD person...which isn't gonna help much! It must be lovely not to be able to understand all these horrible and hideous thoughts and feelings! Have you had any help for the OCD from people that do get it? There's a lot fo good said for ERP on this site and theres a thread about it if you want to find out more...it was started by seajoy.

Sorry I can't be much help...I struggle myself and more often than not that struggle ends up with me doubting it's OCD causing the main problems for me so then treating it ends up fraught with dificulties...but I wanted you to know you're not alone and that people do care. Welcome to this place...I hope you find at least as much help and friendship as I have...and ultimately I pray that God will bless you with peace and hope. Take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

This is classic OCD. I have also struggled in the same areas you have. Doubting salvation is very very common for a Christian with OCD. You can see that all over this forum. Feelings especially when you struggle with OCD can be pretty unreliable. It's hard to love Jesus when we are constantly in a state of doubt and fear about our basic salvation. This realy affects how we "feel" about the Lord, but doesn't mean we're not a true Christian.

I would strongly encourage you to seek professional help. You may need to consider being on meds given your history. I had the hand washing compulsion as a child too, but after I became a Christian the OCD struggles morphed into more spiritual areas. I did find a professional counselor who is a strong Christian and also understands OCD. I would again encourage you to seek out professional counseling for this. It's a real thing and it's hard to battle on your own. Prayers for you~

 

[kaykay9.0]

sorry, double posted again!

 

[QUannie]

Falling apart,
I know what your going through......i prayed for you. Jesus Christ is the only one who has the answer for you, don't go by your feelings, they will deceive you.

Q

 

[Jayangel81]

Praying for you

If you ever need to talk I am always free

 

[fallingapart]

Thankyou for all your replies, very much appreciated. Hope you all had a really good Christmas.

Things have been very much up and down over the last few weeks. Obsessions and compulsions are there pretty much all the time, and if they're not then I just have a perpetual feeling of generalised unease/guilt/doubt. My religious obsessions are definitely the most distressing, but have noticed that repetitive hand-washing/checking/number counting have also all increased lately. Which is not helping.

Sometimes I just wish I could turn my head off. I find myself dissociating sometimes - seems to happen when the anxiety gets just too great.

I'm not having any treatment at the moment, but my pastor has been in touch with a Christian counsellor and is awaiting a response from him, so hopefully he will be able to help me. Would like some medication as have had it in the past and it has helped - but wonder if I'm just looking for a quick fix... Especially as the medication clearly didn't have any long-term effect on me or else I wouldn't be back in this nightmare again.

Thanks again

 

[HopingForJesus]

HI FallingApart,
Hopefully getting a counselor and maybe even medication will help. I need both. God heals in many ways and in different ways for different people. I hope and pray you get some relief soon. I would reply longer, but I am going through much change myself in my life with this illness. Peace