Please help with my marriage

[Grasshopper2000]

I seem to have got myself into a situation that I can't see a way out of and it's really getting me down.

To cut a long story short, I was abused by my mum daily throughout my whole childhood (emotionally, verbally and physically), I was sexually assaulted on a date when I was 14 and raped by a boyfriend at 16.

I had never told anyone about this until last year when I went to counselling for a few months and I also told my husband the same time.

My first problem is that although I find it really hard (pretty much impossible) to talk to anyone about what happened, I would like to be able to talk to my husband about it. However, whenever the conversation comes up, he acts like he is the one who my mum abused and treats badly and he starts getting really annoyed. I no longer talk to him about this and have had to go back to never telling him anything that my mum says that is hurtful. If I talk to him about it he will be in a bad mood for days, shouting at me and the children about everything and anything and generally being a horrible person to live with. My husband has only seen my parents twice in the last year, but he makes it clear that that is too many times. I have to make up excuses to my mum as to why my husband can't come if I see her (not that I see her that often) because if he comes as well the atmosphere is terrible and I worry the whole time that he is going to say something or get really angry. I really don't know what to do. I don't expect him to see my parents often.

Also, because of being raped I have always found sex extremely difficult and I used to hyperventilate everytime as I was so scarred. I know I was totally in the wrong and I feel really guilty, but it got to the point that we no longer had sex together as I would have flashbacks and couldn't face the thought of it. I never told my husband this until last year as there was absolutely no way I could not talk to anyone about it. (Please don't tell me how wrong it was what I did, I know and I already feel really guilty) After some counselling last year we had sex together a couple of times and as long as we took it very slow I really enjoyed it. However, it got to the point that my husband was quite clearly not interested any more and so I stopped asking. I really don't know what to do. I know this is all all my fault and I feel so guilty. I don't feel it's right for me to talk to my husband about it as I feel like I'm being a hypocrite. We don't even cuddle in bed and haven't for a long time. He used to hate me putting my arm arround him in bed or trying to be affectionate and he would hit me if I did, in the end I just gave up trying.

I'm also really worried as we are overspending every month and are becoming more and more overdrawn. I have cut down every bill that I can and I only buy essential items, but my husband will spend about £100 a month on non essential items. I have told him how worried I am about our financial situation, but he just carries on spending and gets really annoyed at me if I say he can't. Most the money he spends is on alcohol and he justifies it by saying he doesn't smoke or have other expensive hobbies so it's fine. It really worries me and I have no idea what to do.

I so want to have a loving relationship but I just don't know how to start to solve the problems. Can some one help please?

 

[If Not For Grace]

used to hate me putting my arm arround him in bed or trying to be affectionate and he would hit me if I did, in the end I just gave up trying.

I seem to be missing something here- is the problem (for you) hubby's behavior or your inability to let go of the past?

Since you got married before you were able to reslove some of these issues (Like sex) you may have done so in a spiral of "poor choice". Poor choices equal poor results.

Hubby seems to have problems of his own in addition to dealing with the added baggage that marriage has added. However the word HIT really caught my attention.
This a a behavior that normally escalates in time. So a contigency plan for future outbursts does not need not be put off.

Women especially feel a need to TALK, TALK, TALK about our problems-feelings & emotions. Men on the other hand usually do not find this appealing. Men are more logic minded and need to DO something when a problem is presented to them. So if you present a man w/a problem he can not DO something about (like the past) then his "fears" often kick in and the situation is compounded.

Not even God can change the past. We are given tools (forgiveness, compassion, acceptance) that we need to become skillful with. Professional counselors (just like
Doctors) need to be consulted when there is a need. This or Trusted Firends is where our "talking" needs to be done. There are 12-step support groups for everything under the sun. That may be an option for you. Marriage is designed to be a partnership not a "fix me" or "fix you" deal. While it would be nice for our spouses to be thoughtful, kind & supportive al ALL times, this is most likely an unrealistic expectation for most of us.

Have a plan,(you may not follow it exactly, but at least you w/have one) that includes some goals. Do not beat yourself up. Nothiing, I said Nothing is 100% anybody's (including you) fault. Then answer is to START.

Start moving forward in a positive direction-you can not do move forward while looking backward. Let go of the past completely (taking from it only the lessons you have learned). Be grateful for Today, & plan for tomorrow.

Gratitude is the best cure for pain you can imagine!

May God CONTINUE to Bless you!

 

[Godsproperty777]

I think, in my humble opinion that you need to move forward internally. I totally understand why your husband would not want to visit with your mother. You need to tell your mother the truth, that what she did to you as a child has been told to your husband and he has lost any respect for her...period. You will have to step up to the plate with your Mom on this one. Then, don't insist that he visit your mother. You need to lay that one down until your mother can apologize both to you and your husband.

The rape issue is horrible....I truly understand that. It is however, something you must lay down and not pick up. That incident, a monsterous event in your life cannot be permitted to define who you are.

You are a woman of G-d are you not? A daughter of the King? You are stronger than you have been demonstrating, both emotionally and physically and spiritually. Dump the garbage from the past. Remember Lot's wife? She "looked back" when she was told not to. Sometimes we are not to dwell in the past, especially if the memories are not healthy ones.

There is one thing I know about men, maybe a couple actually. They want to make their wives happy generally, if they feel they have failed at that they view themselves as a failure and withdraw....

The hitting thing he did was wrong, is this frequent or a one time event? If it happens frequently, your husband needs to move out and get help.

Lastly, the sexual issue with your husband, men normally desire that intimacy like they need food and water. If you were "appearing" replused by him, this is a deep wound.

Okay, so move forward, you can't walk around with a sad face or moping around like you just lost your best friend. It has to be the opposite of that. You have to development positive interactions between yourself and others. You annd the children go to Church, get involved. Don't talk about your husband...Pray for him instead.

Smile, be lovely, kind and gracious in all respect with all people. Proverbs 31, read it.
If you need counseling because you can't seem to leave what should be dead in the cemetary, get counseling by yourself.

This may seem like a tough message, but I am thinking you are way stronger that you have given yourself credit for. Get involved in good positive endeavors, read your Bible, do things that you may enjoy, a salon day, a hobbie. I say all of this so that you might begin to fill your mind and heart with the present and future instead of that sting of hurtful events in the past. Get moving! Blessings

 

[martinaidung]

u havent done anything wrong telling your husband,u shld pray more about his emotions,spending and attitude towards u,u shld also read this book called power of apraying wife by stormie omartian.stay blessed