Please help: Struggling to understand contribution and financial issues with husband.

[ValleyGal]

But as I said before, he puts down 50% from his paycheck to handle a majority of the bills while I put down 50% as well, but only paying a small amount. He told me that he thought that he is being generous --

Personally, I don't think that's being "generous" especially when you have to go to him like a child and ask for money for a new laptop and such.

He says he's concerned for college for your future children. So rather than spend his money on financing an expensive vehicle, why not put that money into bonds or trust funds for the kids until they are old enough to use the money for college?

I dunno. If I were you, I'd chat with him about both of your values. Does he value money more than you do? Does he trust you with money? Where does he want the money to go, versus where is he actually spending the money? What are your financial priorities individually, and how can you bring those together into one plan for financial planning? How can he come to realize that it is not so generous to leave you driving an old beater when he's off buying expensive things just because he can? It seems to me that he has some sort of insecurity that's driving his ideas about his money versus your money, and he seems to be working to keep that separate for some reason. I'd want to get to the bottom of all that.

 

[Odetta]

I did NOT bring up divorce as an option you should consider. I only mentioned that IF it should happen, you are protected by law in regards to social security benefits and probably for other retirement assets as well. And I brought up the whole idea of protection for you because your posts come across as if he was setting up the money to protect himself.

And I stated that because your previous posts came off like you were upset with the division of money in your household - and with the fact that there is even a division of money in the first place. Now it seems like you are backtracking. Please keep in mind that you posted not in the general married couples forum, but in the marriage restoration forum, which by it's very name should indicate it's geared for discussing marriages that are in trouble. So if you're happy with the way things are, I'm not sure why you posted.

Backing out now.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If he earns the money and you want to control it then you might be being controlling and maybe you should look at that behavior. Does he tell you how to spend the money you earn?

 

[sdmsanjose]

You are a very good wife and have contributed a lot in your marriage that does not show up in dollars.

I contribute already by cleaning, by vacuuming, by dusting, by taking the car to get it fixed up for oil and fluid flushes, I give him attention and we have a great sex life

You described your husband as a very good man

In fact, we come up pretty evenly on many terms regarding our spiritual side,

I agree with you that I need to go back to college to just finish two more years; I am seriously considering it. I brought this up to my husband last night and he was happy to tell me that he backs that 100% percent

he said that he is willing to pay for anything left over for college and I can use my money to manage other things.

I know he works a ton, he's a great husband -- faithful, very smart, helpful around the house, he takes care of me but he gives me independence as well. My biggest gripe is not having a joint account

The main thing, I want to convince him to get a joint account. I think he is willing, but I need to push him

Be patient and keep working on getting that joint account. However the joint account goes, DO NOT let such a good marriage get seriously sidetracked. I hope that you get than joint account but you both have way too much going for you to let that issue become a serious barrier between you two.

There is always going to be something that is just not right in a marriage but if the issue that is not right is not a huge negative then figure out a way to live with that. Especially when you have so many very important things that is right in your relationship. You do a lot for him and he does very well by you in most areas.

It seems right that you should have a joint account but it is more important to have such a rich marriage as you have rather than be right!

 

[Hetta]

If he earns the money and you want to control it then you might be being controlling and maybe you should look at that behavior. Does he tell you how to spend the money you earn?

She doesn't want to control the money.

It would be nice to have a thread without a strawman for once.

 

[Inkachu]

Jackie - as a fellow newlywed (just coming up on 2 years), I understand that you and your husband are still working out the kinks of joining two lives into one, and that can definitely come with a few stumbles along the way.

From what you've described, you've got a pretty sweet life. A great hubby, a great relationship, financial stability, a meaningful (if not high-paying) job you can be proud of. You keep saying that your ONLY gripe is that you don't have a joint account. I guess I'm a little confused as to why you can't just let this go? I don't agree with your husband's mentality (I believe all money earned between a husband and wife should be JOINT money, you give up the "his/hers" thing when you get married IMO), but he seems pretty bent on sticking with it, and he sounds like a pretty decent guy in every other way. My husband makes a lot more than I do, but he's never acted as though he deserves to spend more and buy more "stuff" for himself solely based on that fact. It probably helps that I'm very thrifty, and very rarely do I want to buy anything for myself.

If you really don't feel like you can accept things as they are, I would not advise nagging him to death until he starts to resent you over this. I would advise getting an appointment with a marriage or financial counselor. Men sometimes aren't very good at thinking outside their own boxes, or seeing things from another person's point of view. Sometimes an objective third party (ie, a counselor) can be a big, big help.

 

[Observer]

I think if my husband was earning 9000k/month, he would spend quite a lot of money on me. Because when he was earning 2k a month, he bought me a laptop and a camera etc.

9k a month is a LOT of money, it sounds like he has plenty of spare money to spend on both of you. If it was my husband and I, we'd both have whatever we wanted on that kind of money. Well, I know some people want cars that cost 200 grand which isn't realistic but I have no interest in that level of stuff.

I'm not sure if I'd ever want or expect my husband to have a joint account. We made one once but never used it and they kept charging us fees so we got rid of it. I'd trust that my husband would transfer me money and buy things when I asked for them if he was on that kind of income though. I rarely want very expensive things though. I wouldn't expect him to buy me a car or anything like that. I did that with my own money, and now I'm still trying to pay it off with my husband being unemployed

 

[JackieCM]

Odetta -- I only brought up the divorce issue because I wanted to make it clear that I do not really even think about getting a divorce -- I did not mean to say that you said this and that. If you feel like I am not using this forum properly, I am sorry -- I personally think that "Marriage Restoration" can yield valuable feedback for small issues or large issues related to marriage.

This is an update: I haven't responded as of lately because my husband was out of town for some meeting in Alburquerque. When he came back, I decided to let him relax before bringing up the joint account issue. He said that he thinks that the idea is fine, that we will go to our bank and set one up! I am elated at the turns of event! He then said that he would feel best putting the necessary money to pay the bills and then an additional one or two thousands dollars of sharing money for things that we want.

He also talked about how our bills were really high and he is right because he is putting aside a lot of money just to pay the bills and then we use some of my money as well. I think he is becoming frustrated with the mortgage payments and how costly it is to live in a safe neighborhood in Austin area... He was saying that his parents grew up arguing a lot about money (his dad struggled to keep a job because he was an alcoholic/now a recovering alcoholic) and he was determined not to make the mistake of going into debt. He knows a lot about saving up and making sure our accounts stay afloat, but he never experienced handling debt himself (he even paid for part of his college without debt problems because he is such a hard worker). So, I think this is something we have to mull over -- cutting down our bills and try to save up money. He said that his fear is having multiple accounts: his account, my account, our joint account, the retirement, the emergency money and college fund for the future kids... But as long as he can draw out the balances and always know where the money goes, he will be alright.

Thanks for everyone's help! You guys helped me from bothering him about money so much and changed a bit of my perspective on my husband's thinking about his money and my money. Thanks to ValleyGal, Odetta, Observer, Inchaku, Hetta, sdmsanjose, Autumnleaf, ParentofChildren, MountainBlueBird, and anyone else that helped me!

 

[JackieCM]

Clarification: When I said, "...as long as he can draw out the balances..." I meant that in that he would write things down and figure the cashflow, not actually withdrawing money. I saw how that phrase can be confusing.

 

[Inkachu]

Good news, Jackie! I'm so glad that he had a change of heart Sometimes, just revisiting an issue when everyone is calm and in a good frame of mind is all it takes for a more positive outcome. Happy for you!

 

[Hetta]

Yes, and it's interesting (to me) that there was a background there after all - the fear of debt because of childhood experiences. When someone is otherwise decent, loving and kind, I can't see that "meanness" (as it seemed) would just come out of thin air. There is usually a reason.

 

[JackieCM]

And thanks to ProudMommy!

Sorry, I had to flip through the web pages to find who to give credit!

 

[MLEN]

Hi JackieCM,

I remember when my husband and I first got married, I dealt with the same issue. In my case I went from earning my own money to being a stay at home mom when our son was born during our second year of marriage. It was a joint decision for me to stay home, but I initially felt strange not having control over my own earnings. I basically had to learn to trust my husband with OUR money that he alone earned. At times I too felt uncomfortable with the thought of having to ask him for money to buy things I wanted or needed. I even felt like he had apparent liberty to spend as he wished while I was "boxed in" to asking from him. Yet he was always kind and loving toward me whenever I did ask for money. He works hard and has always paid all of our bills on time. He does in fact listen to and take care of my needs and many of my wants, but he is wise enough not to indulge me in every little thing I want.

We have been married for 12 years now and I see the wisdom in his spending. As a stay at home mom the kids and I eat lunch at home. He buys lunch at work, but I am OK with this because he does not spend big bucks on lunch. He spends modestly, choosing to eat at the job's cafeteria at an employee discount. It took a few years for me to realize and trust that he is not selfish about how he spends our money. We have open access to each other's bank accounts so that we can keep each other in check with spending. He also had to build trust in me because he gives me full access to the checking account, which is directly linked to the pay he earns monthly. Neither of us take advantage of each other and we always discuss big purchases beforehand.

Now that our kids are older I cannot seem to stop him from buying me gifts. In retrospect I see that he was holding back to care for the family when the kids were little and we needed to keep a tighter budget. He realizes that I have never been a spendthrift with the money he earns and now it is like he desires to give back to me for all I have sacrificed. In the end, it pays to trust and respect your spouse. Your loving trust and cooperation will not go unnoticed. Have patience with your new husband. Honestly and lovingly discuss any money matters that may bother you, but also try to trust that he has both his and your best interest at heart.

 

[LinkH]

Blind post...I don't like the attitude where the husband keeps his own money like that and doesn't buy things with his wife if he's the breadwinner. But you do have some kind of computer to use that isn't a new MacBook Pro, probably really good food, a decent car to drive. It doesn't sound like he's starving you or making you really live poor. I can see why an engineer might want a really, really nice computer especially if he is running some heavy aps/programs on it. He doesn't have some reason he has to have a new car for work, does he? That would make sense for a high-end sales job, but I can't think why an engineer has to have a really nice car.

Do you plan to have kids? Why don't you start talking about that, and how you are going to do the finances if that is the case? Ask him if he wants to take care of you financially? What does he think about the idea of your being a housewife? You could theoretically discuss how the finances would work (e.g. a budget for your clothes, etc.) and then ask him to start doing that now. He might be willing to split disposable income right down the middle if you were raising baby. Then ask him to do that now, and you can put your money into some kind of investment plan for the future.

If he's a Christian, you can also talk about the idea that husband takes on the responsibility to take care of his wife when he marries. You can also ask him what will happen if one of you die. if you die, he'll be able to take care of himself. But what about you? If you have children, what about them? He could think about life insurance. But what about inheritance taxes? Would you have to pay inheritance taxes on cars and houses in his name? Wouldn't it be better if at least half of that property was in your name, in case something happened to him?

 

[ex-pat]

So glad you got your joint accounts! When my husband and I got married, we made sure that everything was joint, or that we each had power of attorney over the accounts that could not be (retirement accounts, etc.). It's also important to realize that when one holder of a joint account dies, the other gets the amount in the joint account, period. It does NOT go into the person's estate (and thus is not subject to taxes).

In an emergency you could access funds (if he were injured) as well. It might make things somewhat more comfortable for you both to have the accounts you have online, then you can see at a glance what you owe, or own, and in more detail if needed. Our bank has screens that show each account separately, as well as a total of money in bank accounts, our investment accounts, our mortgage and line of credit, ad gives on page one our net worth statement. This, I might add, is particularly helpful to my husband, who tends to forget that the mortgage is being paid off extra fast because it comes directly out of his accounts.

DO go back to school!!! Will your current employer pay for you to get another degree? Many will. That should apply regardless of income. Good luck!