You are not beyond the possibility of being reconciled with God. You do need to renounce every association with darkness you've entangled yourself with and tell God from the heart that you want to be redeemed from your sins so you can be His servant. Do everything in your power to show God that you indeed want to be Christ's disciple who lives to Him and is dead indeed to sin. No compromise in this area at all. Praying for your clarity of mind and the drowning out of all voices in your head that oppose the truth of His Word. Trust God that He will give you more help and insight as you read His Word, pray, and are faithful to everything you know is right to the best of your ability. His grace works like that. Below are some key Scriptures for you right now:
1 John 1:5-7 "This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin."
2 Corinthians 7:1 "Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God."