Please Help me

[schrodingers_cat_lives]

I saw a bird punch through the hollow dome...
arching like a dart
across sheaves of air,
alone and barren.

As the birds' cry fades,
a hollow space remains
as if a mother lost its child and had to go on moving;
turning
from the echo of the infant's cry.

Among the living, i am a foreigner --
A ghost, watching everything come and go.
I am no longer here,
I am the absent sky who cannot say "farewell"
or tell them all: "Remember me"

I suffer greatly from mental illness that berates me with severe clinical depression. (Bipolar disorder). It stole much of my life and i am no longer the person i once was. i have been struggling with this crippling depression for years, but i grow weary and have lost the will to live and fight for my life especially in these later years after so many hospitalizations and constant episodes. I also struggle with my faith during depression and often wonder if he is even there. I'm not asking for healing or proof that there is a God anymore...all i ask of God is to make me feel his presence, his love, his protection, his embrace...i want to feel deep in my bones again that i am loved even in the midst of this terrible affliction. This is the first time i wrote a poem when depressed which is odd given the fact that i lose my creative desires. i am currently struggling with suicidal ideation and though i won't go through with it, i wish i could leave this world and find solace in another. I am desperate for release. The way i live seems unbearable..I am alone, unmarried, childless, friendless and un-churched...it is not living, it is now mere survival. I don't know how to return to who i was, what i believed or move forward into something better. I pray for peace and close communion with God....i pains me so much to think this might be all there is, that there is no God, no meaning. I miss God. I want to know a plausible degree of certainty within the confines of absolute certainty and find that hope and closeness with him again. I ask you to help me pray for peace, comfort, affection and the will to live for Him even though i feel like i'm slowly dying and drowning in this paralyzing cage.

P.S Mental illness is not a result of demonic oppression, if you believe that, please refrain from such comments or opinions, that only makes things worse and is quite painful to my soul.

 

[RuthD]

I'm so sorry you have been suffering so much. I, too, have bipolar and know how bad it can get. I take medication that helps a lot. Do you see a doctor for your illness? If not, I strongly recommend it. It can make a big difference in your life. Praying for you. If your suicidal thoughts keep on coming I think you should call 911 or your emergency ambulance number. I don't know where you live but there are suicide hotlines to call as well that are at the top of this forum.

 

[Roadrunner3]

Powerful poem, s-c-l, depicting intense desolation and abandonment. Very well done! I wil pray with you, and I share with you some of the poetry that sprang from my journey through depression. I hope that you will share more with us!

I Wait

If I write in chalk,
It can be erased.
If I write in ink,
It can be shredded.
When I look for permanence,
I find transience.
I bow before the changeless
In my constantly changing body,
With my constantly changing mind.
I read that I was created "a little lower than the angels"
Should "little lower" really read "death and decay?"
I do not reach to the heavens to find You.
I sink into myself
I release all
This brief interlude between two dusty fields
And here, in my hopeless, helpless, hapless estate
I wait


God?

God
Am I using the wrong language?
Am I sitting in the wrong position?
Do you really prefer the King James translation?
Did I accidentally breathe in through my mouth
when I should have used my nose?
Do I need a better devotional?
Are you mad because I'm behind on my tithe?
Have you left our church for the Presbyterian Church
down the road?
Did I hit a couple of sour notes in the last hymn we sang?
Do you really know everything?
If I let go, will you catch me?
Are these all the wrong questions?
Can a void hold all the answers?
God?


Creation Is

We lift our songs in praise, O God,
But you are the music,
We lift our arms and sway, O Lord,
With hands that you formed,
We put pen to paper and play with words
That flow from the miracle of consciousness
That you so benevolently planted in us.
We think of what was and will be
And can't help but worry about tomorrow
But we need to STOP
And know that Creation......is.

 

[Press On]

Both poems said it all. You are very concise in your narrative. I/we know what you are experiencing first hand.

Last year I was very frustrated with God and everything about Him. I expressed it on this forum and it didn't come off well because I was boiling over with anger. You have expressed your feelings very eloquently and I identify completely. Bless you.

Appropriate medications are very important, but time and lots of prayer are part of the equation. Your love and yearning for God is evident. Genuine prayer, love and support is the heart of this forum. I add my prayers on your behalf.

 

[whitebeaches]

I'm so sorry for all you are going through and just wanted you to know I am here for you if you need a listening ear.

If you feel like you may be suicidal please consider contacting one of the following hotlines which can be found here. There are people whom you can talk to who understand any time of the day to help you through. If you see a doctor or a counselor, it could help to contact them as well and share what you are feeling with them.

you are in my prayers ((( hugs )))

 

[MadamImAdaminChrist]

I also suffer from severe chronic mental illness that has basically ruined my life. I am also childless, unmarried, very few friends, without a career. Thank God for my family and my church. I think it is because of them that I am ok with my journey--that and a hope for a better future.

I am so sorry for you episodes, hospitalizations, and continued distress/despair. I want you to feel loved by Christ in the deepest parts of you as well.

Will be praying for your turnaround and comforting from above.

 

[miss-a]

Much good advice has been given on this thread. Please know we care and are praying for you in faith that it will get better for you.

Prayers,
a