*please read*
I'm 20, straight and a Christian.
I will put it all out there, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't judge me, I really am worried and not well, I'm asking you for help because I don't know where else to go.
It began when I was about 9 and my (male) cousin and I were wondering what it was like to kiss, so we kissed, at that time I didn't think it was a bad thing. I look back now and think it was very innocent in fact. (that's the only time I've kissed a male)
I got to high school and that's when it started coming out, not in a serious way though, in fact me and my mates would always joke around calling each other names, telling gay/vulgar jokes, using bad words and stuff but I never felt any attraction at all for any of them.
More recently when I was 17 I was in great shape, spiritually. Then things happened. My sister got pregnant, mum got mad at sister, dad chated on mum, he would leave the house and come back the next day, he even told us many times he'd been with other women (prostitutes), I have no idea how they stayed married. This all was absolutely unexpected, but it didn't affect me too much.
Then I was about to get away from all that, I was going to get a full scholarship... but I blew it. I was devastated, I cried for the first time in years, I cried like never before. I got extremely mad at the world, God, my family but especially myself. I hated myself and wanted to stop existing.
So I started listening to the heaviest music I could find (death/black/satanic metal) watching pornography and eventually ended up watching gay stuff. No details.
I came to a point were I realised I was headed to destruction and that I needed God desperately. I knew that God was calling me, so I stopped doing all that and really tried to find help reading the scriptures everyday, praying everyday, listening to worship music, etc. I really tried... and that's were I am right now. The problem now is, I've been having wet dreams about men, this is the most shameful thing I've ever shared with anyone, the other night I had a dream about my dad, (I'm sorry) I did not [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] but I remember I woke up incredibly scared in the middle of the night praying, asking God for help and forgiveness but I felt worthless. Why is this happening to me, this has to stop, I really am trying!
I am too ashamed, I don't want to tell ANYONE about ANY of this, English isn't even my native language but it sounds even worse in my language and culture. God is almighty, I need Him to help me but I don't see it happening so I'm begging you for help, please pray for me. I don't know what else to do, I'm afraid I have a spirit of homosexuality that is torturing my soul and I am afraid. I don't want to go to hell or stay behind after the rapture. Help!
I'm 20, straight and a Christian.
I will put it all out there, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't judge me, I really am worried and not well, I'm asking you for help because I don't know where else to go.
It began when I was about 9 and my (male) cousin and I were wondering what it was like to kiss, so we kissed, at that time I didn't think it was a bad thing. I look back now and think it was very innocent in fact. (that's the only time I've kissed a male)
I got to high school and that's when it started coming out, not in a serious way though, in fact me and my mates would always joke around calling each other names, telling gay/vulgar jokes, using bad words and stuff but I never felt any attraction at all for any of them.
More recently when I was 17 I was in great shape, spiritually. Then things happened. My sister got pregnant, mum got mad at sister, dad chated on mum, he would leave the house and come back the next day, he even told us many times he'd been with other women (prostitutes), I have no idea how they stayed married. This all was absolutely unexpected, but it didn't affect me too much.
Then I was about to get away from all that, I was going to get a full scholarship... but I blew it. I was devastated, I cried for the first time in years, I cried like never before. I got extremely mad at the world, God, my family but especially myself. I hated myself and wanted to stop existing.
So I started listening to the heaviest music I could find (death/black/satanic metal) watching pornography and eventually ended up watching gay stuff. No details.
I came to a point were I realised I was headed to destruction and that I needed God desperately. I knew that God was calling me, so I stopped doing all that and really tried to find help reading the scriptures everyday, praying everyday, listening to worship music, etc. I really tried... and that's were I am right now. The problem now is, I've been having wet dreams about men, this is the most shameful thing I've ever shared with anyone, the other night I had a dream about my dad, (I'm sorry) I did not [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] but I remember I woke up incredibly scared in the middle of the night praying, asking God for help and forgiveness but I felt worthless. Why is this happening to me, this has to stop, I really am trying!
I am too ashamed, I don't want to tell ANYONE about ANY of this, English isn't even my native language but it sounds even worse in my language and culture. God is almighty, I need Him to help me but I don't see it happening so I'm begging you for help, please pray for me. I don't know what else to do, I'm afraid I have a spirit of homosexuality that is torturing my soul and I am afraid. I don't want to go to hell or stay behind after the rapture. Help!
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