Please help me!

[Dan777]

My wife and I recently got separated after a 10 year relationship. We have 2 kids that we both love very much and would hate to see them suffer. During the 10 year relationship we were both verbally abusise towards each other and now we both regret it. We recently sold our house and she moved with the kids and I moved to an apt. During the last 10 months we were living together in the same house but we separated sleeping in different rooms. Recently I discovered that she had a relationship with a co-worker for the last two months. When I first confronted her she would not want to admit that she had sex but after she told me she did not want to hurt me, and that is why she did not tell me anything. During our separation I acted like she did not exist and we both stop trying to save our marrige. I now blame myself for not putting any effort and keeping the spark alive. I have realized that I still love her and now I want to give it 110%. She tells me she needs time and that she does not want me back. I told her that should give it another chance since it's my desire to change and try to win her love again. The relationship she had was nothing serious according to her and all she wants to do is date for a while. What should I do, my heart tells me not to loose her and to keep trying but my mind tells me to back off and give her space. Please keep me in your prayers and help me.

 

[revrobor]

My wife and I recently got separated after a 10 year relationship. We have 2 kids that we both love very much and would hate to see them suffer. During the 10 year relationship we were both verbally abusise towards each other and now we both regret it. We recently sold our house and she moved with the kids and I moved to an apt. During the last 10 months we were living together in the same house but we separated sleeping in different rooms. Recently I discovered that she had a relationship with a co-worker for the last two months. When I first confronted her she would not want to admit that she had sex but after she told me she did not want to hurt me, and that is why she did not tell me anything. During our separation I acted like she did not exist and we both stop trying to save our marrige. I now blame myself for not putting any effort and keeping the spark alive. I have realized that I still love her and now I want to give it 110%. She tells me she needs time and that she does not want me back. I told her that should give it another chance since it's my desire to change and try to win her love again. The relationship she had was nothing serious according to her and all she wants to do is date for a while. What should I do, my heart tells me not to loose her and to keep trying but my mind tells me to back off and give her space. Please keep me in your prayers and help me.

One day, after 20 years of marriage, I came home and found a note on the kitchen table from my wife telling me she had decided to leave me. I did not see it comming and did not know there was a problem. She took our children and was gone for 15 months. During that time, had sexual affairs with five different men. I did not pursue her and did not make any attempt to contact her. She did come to see me a couple of times. During her absence I worked on being the best me I could be and was counseled by a couple of pastor friends. One of the critical things I learned was the importance of communication in a relationship.

When she returned she said God had told her to come back. She told me the same thing about the affairs your wife has told you. They were just sex. She was not "in love" with these guys. I had no trouble forgiving her (you never really forget). She admitted she was looking for something she thought she did not have in our relationship and that Satan was behind her leaving. Today she is my best friend, we love each other very much and last January we celebrated our 35th anniversary.

Give your wife her "space" and work on being the best you you can be.

 

[Southern Cross]

What? Give her the space so she can date other men while you are married? I take issue with that advice, if indeed that's what it was. Might as well roll over and die without a fight.

Sir, your wife sounds exactly like my wife. Here's some advice from my perspective. Do NOT let her date other men while you are still her husband. If she wants to do that, ask her to leave the home (not you) and threaten a divorce. The issue of the children is a touchy one... most states will allow the mother to take the children if she decides to leave. Do you want your kids with strange babysitters while your wife is out "dating"?

Sounds to me like you are giving her choices when there is only one choice to make - stay in the marriage and work on it or get out. Let her make the tough choices with unavoidable consequences if she wants to date other guys.

There is a process you want to go through - you want to be soft hearted with the other person, you want them to see you as the one that they once loved and can love again. Fine - do that. But also set boundaries and stick to your guns. Just don't be a doormat.

On the other side of the coin, she's doing this for a reason. Something was missing from your relationship and she has chosen to step over common sense moral boundaries. You need to identify your own shortcomings. You need to be in counseling. You need to recognize what drove your marriage into this downward spiral. Chances are, it's not something in your marriage doing this. Your marriage problems are just a symptom of a greater problem that will come out no matter who you are with.

And might I advise that you document this affair? Find proof, hide it away just in case things go south.

All is not lost. I've seen marriages come back from graves far deeper than the one yours is in. God can certainly change a person's heart - both of you need Him right now. That's what kept me going as my marriage was crumbling. But the bottom line is that I did not put my foot down soon enough. Had I done that, things would have progressed to a conclusion much faster.

 

[Wakeup2god]

Not sure what to say to this.

My wife had an affair. I found out about it after we'd broke up. At first I wanted her back so much it hurt but after a while I realised that I didn't know this woman. After 17 years together, 11 years married and with four children I stepped back and took a look at her and thought 'what did I ever see in her, who is she?' During this time the Lord directed me to the book of Hosea I thought He was telling me to take her back and I realy didn't want to. I realised later what He was saying was that I was the Gomer (Hosea's adultrous wife) to Him. Made me see God in a different light and I found my peace with Him. Anyways we got divorced. I'm now courting a wonderful Christian lady and I've never been happier.

Having said all that my advice would be to let her go. If you want to wait for her you find your peace with yourself. If she's ever gonna change it's gonna be why she's appart from you. Then let her prove she's changed over time. Do't let her come back with her tail between her legs just cos she realised the grass isn't greener where she's been.

 

[InTheFlame]

Let me get this straight - you were living in the same house, separate bedrooms, and now living in separate places, right?

First - sounds as though you've both made big mistakes in the relationship, and both of you will need to work on what caused you to do those things (eg. sounds as though you might have problems working through anger constructively), if you're ever going to build a healthy relationship - either with each other or someone else.

Second - you can't make her do anything. You know that. All you can do is relate to her appropriately. For one, don't give her anything that you would within marriage if she's not wanting to be married. As of that decision of hers, you're kinda like work friends - working together on a mutual project (the kids) and with similar boundaries up. No sex. No kissing 'for old time's sake'. No loans or gifts of money, except any required/expected by law, eg. for the kids. No paying her bills, buying her dinner, etc. Don't be nasty about it - but just treat her politely, respectfully, caringly... but not intimately. This achieves 2 things - it helps you guard your heart (and keep it from going thru the wringer again and again) and it helps her to realise that she's giving up any of the good things of the marriage she wasn't aware she relied on (there's bound to be some).

Reading Love Must Be Tough (Dobson) or Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud & Townsend) might help you understand a bit better if the above doesn't make sense.

 

[Evie]

My wife and I recently got separated after a 10 year relationship. We have 2 kids that we both love very much and would hate to see them suffer. During the 10 year relationship we were both verbally abusise towards each other and now we both regret it. We recently sold our house and she moved with the kids and I moved to an apt. During the last 10 months we were living together in the same house but we separated sleeping in different rooms. Recently I discovered that she had a relationship with a co-worker for the last two months. When I first confronted her she would not want to admit that she had sex but after she told me she did not want to hurt me, and that is why she did not tell me anything. During our separation I acted like she did not exist and we both stop trying to save our marrige. I now blame myself for not putting any effort and keeping the spark alive. I have realized that I still love her and now I want to give it 110%. She tells me she needs time and that she does not want me back. I told her that should give it another chance since it's my desire to change and try to win her love again. The relationship she had was nothing serious according to her and all she wants to do is date for a while. What should I do, my heart tells me not to loose her and to keep trying but my mind tells me to back off and give her space. Please keep me in your prayers and help me.

every marriage is savable! no matter the circumstance. I would however see to it that she stoped dating,that is not helping matters any. Believe me when I say it takes 2,I have been married twice(my 1st was phsically abusive). Marriage is something we both (you and her) have to work at,in every aspect of your marriage. I pray for you both. Marriage came from God and God alone.
I think it's great that your still in love with her,that's a fine start on your behalf. Time will tell what will happen between the 2 of you, for now I would simply sit with her and say look,I love you and then go from there.Do either of you attend a church? What about seeing a Christian counselor? Praying for restoration in your marriage.

 

[heartnsoul]

I agree with Southern Cross' and Wakeup2god's posts. Take this opportunity for you to draw closer to God. Giving her space to clear her head and think things over is one thing, but if giving her space means having affairs with other men, that is totally unacceptable.

Working on a marriage means open communication and both of you sitting down with counselors to come up with a game plan to strengthen/improve the marriage. It's great that you have come to realize your own contributions to the marriage problem, but in order for your marriage to be successful, your wife has to do her part as well and--most importantly--God needs to be first in both of your hearts and at the center of your marriage.

Southern Cross is right when he said that God does not expect us to be doormats. God wants the best for us and to live godly and holy lives pleasing to Him. May God intervene in your marriage and stir both of your hearts to move forward in the right direction towards reconciliation. God bless both of you and please keep us posted.

 

[InTheFlame]

I agree with Southern Cross' and Wakeup2god's posts. Take this opportunity for you to draw closer to God. Giving her space to clear her head and think things over is one thing, but if giving her space means having affairs with other men, that is totally unacceptable.

I don't mean to be antagonistic. Could be I've completely missed something significant. But... how on earth is he supposed to stop her having an affair? Obviously you're not advising him to break the law by locking her up, stalking her, etc...?

 

[Svt4Him]

Personally if my wife wanted to leave to date other men, I'd be sad, but I'd go buy the seperation papers the same day. For you...well, only you can decide. God gives grace as needed, and I don't need it now, you do. You have to live with what you choose, I don't. My heart goes out to you, I know it's tough. If your wife had an affair, it wasn't 'just sex', so obviously she is looking for something. It's never 'just sex' and affairs don't ever 'just happen'. But that is one of many issues you will have to face.

 

[ysl_75]

Don't really have comment on anything beside asking you to pray to God and lead you to the right answer. May God open doors for you and God bless you!

 

[Southern Cross]

I don't mean to be antagonistic. Could be I've completely missed something significant. But... how on earth is he supposed to stop her having an affair? Obviously you're not advising him to break the law by locking her up, stalking her, etc...?

InTheFlame, you are so right. You really can't stop someone from having an affair (emotional or otherwise) if they really want to pursue it.

All you can really do is make the price so expensive, the consequences so heavy, that they rethink continuing an affair or doing things that harm the marriage. I think the key is to get them to just stop and think about what life will be like, to slow down enough to think clearly about their actions. Not out of fear of unreasonable threats, but rather just slow things down and have a healthy respect for what's in store if they intentionally continue doing hurtful things to their spouse.

I am convinced that there is usually one strong antagonist in a troubled marriage, and sometimes they have free reign to do as they please because their spouse is desperate to please and will plead, ask and suggest rather than make appropriate demands. The wayward spouse often gets to play the game long enough to keep the financial stability and housing in place, it's always a shelter they can run back to when the going gets tough (same for drug abuse, alcoholism, etc). And after watching my own marriage fail, and that of friends, I'm quickly coming to the conclusion showing mercy, grace and forgiveness to a wayward spouse is the BEST first step, but if they continue cheating or being abusive, show them the door or leave. A separation is not the best temporary fix for everyone, but it sends a strong, strong message that you are not fooling around.

Note that I did not say divorce - separation is a different option. Divorce is the least desirable option and should only be used as a last resort in cases of infidelity. There has to be a chance for forgiveness and reconciliation, but we also have to recognize that everyone has a different breaking point.

Dan777 -
At this point, I'm avoiding a scriptural debate here. I think it's a situation that demands common sense. But common sense flies out the window if God leads someone in a different direction. I may say to leave, etc. but God could very well lead you to be patient and endure the hurt. Get down on your knees and ask for wisdom, strength and a new heart. Open His word, live it daily. Place your trust in Him -and even when things seem their worst, if you are obedient, His will will be done in the end. You never know how God will work in your life through this difficult experience. Yeah, I know it sounds trite to say these things. But there really is a peace that surpasses all understanding that will be granted to you - for real. I would tell you of my experiences, but that would take pages and pages. I look back now, and I realize God has somehow managed to bring incredible people into my life through all this, and allowed me to see who my real friends were. Above all, I believe I grew much, much closer to Jesus through all this. So seek His counsel (don't listen to everything all of use self proclaimed Dr. Phil types tell you) amd then watch for doors to open. PM me if you need to chat.

 

[Wakeup2god]

It sounds to me like she's the one who's making the decisions and our brothers Dan has been left high and dry. You need to get the ball back so that you can start calling the shots. InTheFlame gave good advice about setting your own boundaries. You need to get control of your play zone. Also, although we know the Lord doesn't 'take sides' in things like this He does however love justice and truth. He is a councelor, a prince of peace.

One things for sure your kids will need some stability even if it's only with you. You set the example for them, you be their rock in this storm and always give God the glory. He works ALL things together for the good of those who are in Him.

 

[isaiah5213]

dan,

the men here gave great advice, and fantastic personal accounts... my advice would have been different than theirs, so i am glad i didn't see this till now. i don't know why, but many, if not most of us women go thru a period of complete wildness and satan really does get in there for us... i don't know your wife. i don't know what she is thinking. maybe she is thinking she needs this other man to divert herself from the pain of losing you.. maybe in her heart she has given up on you and her getting back together... maybe she thinks you two are over, really over. that's why she has this other man, as a sex thing... to lessen her pain... ?? maybe??

i do know that in low low periods of a marriage, it is easy for satan to get in there and send someone else who makes us feel wanted, desired, cherished, listened to, etc. and some of us get caught up in that affair. some of us get caught up in those "i feel not only needed, but wanted, not taken advantage of" feelings... (i am not talking physical affair, but emotional affair)
this is not, in any way,shape or form, to say that she is okay, and justified and right in doing this, but if she has gone thru the marriage w/the major complaint of feeling like a piece of the furniture, then to her it doesn't seem so outrageous, maybe, that she would be in a relationship w/a man who makes her feel she is more important than the car, house, money, job, kids, other friends, etc etc etc.

i do not put this post to bash you. i have learned in an interesting way, that there are always 2 sides to the story.. and i don't wanna be a woman who is in the business of bashing "bad spouses" --which is what i feel i do on this board too too too many times...

from us?? you need people who are gonna believe in your marriage. and that takes believing in you, and believing in your wife. you need people who are gonna be loving to you and your wife no matter what happens. and i think if the both of you have even a shred of desire to please God, and do his will, and please each other, your marriage will know no boundaries in how joyful and content and peaceful it will become. but if one of you, even doubts, then it won't work out... all marriages, even happy ones, work like that...

i recommend you sit and talk to her. does she want it to work out?? has she told you that she does? if she does, then you have to love her enough to look at her and tell her that if she really wants it to work out, she has to get rid of the other guy... ?? there is way too much work for you both to do, than add the "is she sleeping w/him"?? craziness into the picture too. and she won't like it, she won't be happy about you pointing this out to her, but if she has the kids, and you two are not divorced yet, than this man has no place in your children's lives either. you also have to be open, and beg God to change in you, those places, that pride, that stubborness, to see what it is in you that God feels--not your wife mind you, but what God feels--you should be changing about yourself to be a better husband to your wife. and a better father to your kids. unfortunately, God uses everyone to expose ourselves to ourselves to change.. and maybe God is using not only your wife, but this affair.. i am sorry. i really am.

if she doesn't want this marriage to work out, then consider what is best for your kiddos... who really is the best parent?? pray about that. fast about that. and if she doesn't want this marriage to work out, she has given you your ticket. you just have to take it and run. i know it hurts. i know i sound flippant. i honestly don't mean to. but if she doesn't want this to work out, you are casting your pearls to pigs. the best you can do is pray and fast for God's will to come to light. you don't want to pray and fast for her to change her mind. cuz' you might get that.. and you will go thru years and years of hades on earth, because you got your yes... but if God has other plans for you and her, and your prayer blocks it, then you will be outright, downright, miserable beyond belief.

again, i am sorry you are going thru this. i have and will be praying for you. good name by the way... is it meaning 77x7, forgive ???

 

[mostie]

Ack, what a tough situation--if this were me, I think that I would work on my relationship with God, and let my spouse go in the direction he is going to go- the people who said you can't really stop her from doing what she's doing are right- and I would let God deal with her, which im sure He's doing as we speak---although I know this has to be extremely painful and hard for you to deal with, if there's a way to keep your heart forgiving and open, i would do that- without, of course, being a doormat- in other words, let her know that you don't find this in the least bit 'acceptable', but that you are resigned to the fact that this is what she's doing- this is, of course, if you guys aren't living together-if you are?

Boot her right on out the door-lol