Please help me....

[tormented]

Hi. I came here out of desperation, because i don't know where else to go.

The truth is, the only reason why i came to this forum is to confess and to seek help.

The truth is i'm gay. I'm not practising, and i know what the bible has to say about homosexuality. I know it is wrong, and i pray daily to confess and ask god for forgiveness. I know he's forgiven me, and i continue to cling on to him. But there's still, there are things that i feel that i don't know how to face. They hurt me so much.

I'm gay and i'm attracted to my best friend. When i say best friend, i do mean best friend. He's not my best friend simply because i'm attracted to him. We became great friends even before the feelings started. We're always going out with friends together and we really enjoy each other's company. Let's call him john for convenience.

When i'm with john, i feel so insecure. It wasn't always like this. Only lately. I feel so inferior. You see, francis i extremely attractive, and i'm not the only one to think this way. Girls in my school fall head over heels for him, even though he's on the short side. He's really handsome and has a really nice body. I know it sounds weird reading this. Just bear with me for a while. It's not just in appearances that he scores. John is also a natural leader and held high offices in school, and a very hard worker. He get's things done above expectations and ahead of time.

I read in a chritian book once that homosexuality is largely evolved from a great admiration and desire for a person's acceptance and approval. I guess that's what has happened to me.

I don't see myself as a very attractive person, and no matter how hard i exercise i'm always extremely skinny. I'm introverted at find it hard to step into the spotlight. I'm also a lazy idiot, even though i tend to get good grades anyway out of luck i suppose.

Back when we were only friends i used to admire him a lot. I always felt he was such a great person. I held him in very high regard.

This soon changed though, from admiration to lust. Slowly, it became less about his traits and more about him. I wanted to be with him all the time. When i wasn't with him, i felt lonely, even if i was surrounded by my other friends. Then i started to feel very jealous whenever he chose to go out with other people and not me. I would feel abandoned and forgotten, even though i knew that he regarded me as his best friend. He told me himself. And i felt really bad for feeling this way, because i know i don't own him. He has a life too.

Late last year i had to play middleman between him and a girl that he happened to like, and who liked him. That made me feel very abused and angry, but i helped anyway because i was his friend, and because i know the girl too. She's also a good friend of mine.

Now we're in different schools and i don't see him at all for weeks. Instead of forgetting him, i find myself thinking of him constantly. I just keep remembering him and his really handsome face and all the times i saw him in the changing room with his shirt off.

I always felt very dbad very i thought about these things. I feel like i've let him down. He regards me as his best friend. His love for me is real. I on the other hand am so filled with sin and lust and it's as if i'm just treating him like an object. It fills me with such guilt.

But i just keep thinking and thinking. When he comes online on MSN we chat a little but he has such a wide circle of friends that he always ends up chatting with everybody except me and i feel so lonely again. On friendster he has girls writing testimonials for him describing him as 'really handsome and cute' and 'hunky' and when i read them i am thrown into a fray of confusion and lust.

I do stupid things to try to catch his attention, which i do not want to mention. You can imagine, i suppose.

He doesn't know i'm. Obviously, he isn't gay himself. I don't know if i'll ever be able to overcome this problem. I still pray every night and still feel so terrible the next time. I tell myself over and over again "i am god's person" to remind myself of who owns my life, but i always get so distracted.

When i look into the mirror i see a sad, sad person who's ugly and skinny and who lacks confidence totally.

I want out. I really do. I want to just give up this sin and live life. But i just can't I've been struggling with this for more than a year, and i fear i will have to for the rest of my life. I don't think i'm strong enough, and god seems so far away. He doesn't seem to be doing anything. Is this a test? If it is, i don
t know if i'll pass.

You guys must help me. I don't know how. Maybe just tell me things or show me things. Whatever. I can't handle this anymore....

 

[kimber1]

dearheart, God does love you i won't pretend to understand how people come to the realization of their feelings. to me only God knows. but you seem to be on the right path. you recognize it's wrong, you want help and you aren't practicing and that's important.
have you thought of talking to a pastor or someone in that capacity about this? it may be embarrassing for you but it would surely help give you some sort of support and they could give you more godly advice than i could.

never ever think though that you're not loved. God loves ALL His children.

i'll be praying for you

 

[Johnnz]

From what you have said I am not all all sure that you are homosexual. You idolised this guy to a large extent, and he became an important part of your mental and social life.

Feel free to PM me if you want to share a bit more of your background etc.

John
NZ

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Aww man.
*hug*

 

[tormented]

From what you have said I am not all all sure that you are homosexual. You idolised this guy to a large extent, and he became an important part of your mental and social life.

Feel free to PM me if you want to share a bit more of your background etc.

John
NZ

Well, i wish i weren't but i've come to accept it, not as acceptable but as the truth. I've had sexual fantasies of him various times, though i suppress these to the point where they either do not appear very often or last only for a few seconds.

I've come to understand that i have a very low self esteem, and this couples with my homosexuality to have some very terrible effects on my psychology. I'm just so unable to do anything. I've become so reliant on his companionship and approval.

 

[doofus125]

Bro, I know exactly how you are feeling. I had the same problem with my best friend. He is very good looking and I looked up to him because he was the first guy to ever pay attention to me, my dad never paid attention to me growing up. It went from looking up to him for guidence being he was the person that introduced me to Christ. Not having a role model in my life, I began to look up to him and learn how to be a man from him. It went from acting like him, to dressing like him, to wanting to be exactly like him. Like you I idolized him. When I wasn't with him I was extremly lonely and felt deserted by him. We had only known each other for about 6 months at the time, we met at work, he was 18 and I was 19 and he knew I was depressed, but he didn't know why. In that time I met this girl and we started hanging out and I confided to her that I was gay. I thought I could trust her and she went and told her friend and then she told my friend (ironically her friend and my friend later got married). I realized she had told him because one day at work he started acting differently, as in you could tell he was uncomfterable. That evening after work I called him at home and asked him if I could come by because I needed to tell him something. I drove the 30 minutes to his house and I told him I was gay.....I didn't tell him the details though. He said he knew and that that girl had told him. He also asked me why I felt like I couldn't tell him and of course it was fear of rejection. We talked a few more minutes and then he reached over and hugged me for what seemed like forever but was maybe 2 mintues at most. He said to me while he was hugging me not to worry that he wouldn't tell anyone and he told me that he loved me. I will never forget that hug, it was the first time in my life that I ever remember another guy hugging me....my dad never hugged me. Well over the next couple of years we would hang out maybe once a week or every 2 weeks. We'd go out to eat, talk about my struggle, and he did his best to disciple me. After talking for a while he realized that I needed someone to introduce me to guy stuff, like bikeing, fishing, you know guy stuff.

Well to try to make a very long story short....I finally told him one day that I was really struggling with being attracted to him.....let's just say that didn't go over to well, but he didn't quit speaking to me. We didn't hang out as much, but we still would get together and talk and after a while things settled down. I realized why I was attracted to him and was finally able to explain why I had the feelings I had and he understood. Yeah things were awkward for a while, but our friendship grew to a point that the feelings disapated. We went 3 years without any problems. This past January I went south to visit him at school with another friend of ours (by the way I finally got the courage up to tell him and he was fine with it). Anyways, we pulled a prank on my friend and stole the towls out of the bathroom and closet while he was in the shower and my other friend videotaped his reaction as he came out of the bathroom, he was laughing so hard that he dropped to low with the camera and got a full view. I didnt' think anything of it when we stole the towls, but when I was standing there and saw him come out naked I was overcome as I just stared at him. He didn't think anything of it and neither did my other friend, but I struggled with why I stared. It wasn't sexuall, but I realized later that it was probably because I had never seen him naked before and I was afraid of the thoughts that were creeping in. Well I did confess this to him and luckily it turned out to not be an issue and I explained why it had made me uncomfterable. He didn't treat me any differently when I visited a couple weeks ago and I did see him naked and it didn't even phase me. The whole point to all of this is that I found acceptance from him in a healthy way and all the other stuff, the attractions to him, they weren't there anymore because I was being treated equal by another guy. I hope that maybe this will be an encouragement to you.

If you are both Christians and he is your friend and you go to him and tell him you are struggling and just don't know what to do, then hopefully he is good enough of a friend to be the friend that my friend was to me. Just remember, don't tell him everything at once, give him time to try to understand, but remember he may never fully understand why you struggle with it.

Feel free to PM me. I still struggle with being gay and with severe depression, but the struggle is not a struggle that I have to fight on my own anymore. I've got 2 great friends (which I rarely see, lol) and God.

 

[tormented]

Hmm.. i replied earlier but it's not showing for some reason...

@Johnnz: Well, i wish i weren't, but i am. I've come to accept it, not as acceptable but as a fact. I know for sure i'm gay because i have sexual fantasies of him, though not directly. I fantasize him with his girlfriend, and with me role-playing as his girlfriend. But i suppress these to the point that they rarely occur, and even when they do they usually last only a few seconds because i withdraw out of disgust at myself.

 

[tormented]

I realise i've been posting a lot. Excuse me if i seem self absorbant or attention-seeking. I don't know how to express it.

When i think about it, i realise that i compare myself a lot with this friend of mine whom i'm attracted to. I compare myself with him in almost every aspect.

For one thing, he's really good-looking, and lots of girls like him and stuff. He also has a really hot bod. And i keep thinking about this everywhere. I try to stop myself but i'm not always successful. I keep imagining him flexing his chest in front of the mirror and stuff. It's so disturbing. Coupled with his tanned skin and typical 'manly' poise, it's just so hard to let go.

And then there are th more unsual aspects. He cooks really really well, and i find myself wishing i could cook too simply because of that.

Everything seems to be going so well for him. I can't begin to try to summarise all of the factors. I just find myself wishing i were like him.

I guess this is a contributing factor to why i feel so attracted to him. He just seems like a perfect person. I know he's only human and stuff, and that only god is able to satisfy my needs, but somehow i just keep tryint o be close to him in order to reassure myself that i'm 'man' enough or 'good enough to be his best friend'. It's not exactly healthy, i know. I ought to depend on god more.

Actually, i think i'm handling the situation quite okay, from a spiritual point of view. I continually cling onto go and pray constantly throughout the day. I realise that he sends problems like these to promote spiritual maturity and character, so sometimes i even thank him for giving me such problems. I know i grow stronger everyday because of it.

What really bothers me is that it's been so very long and i've been slipping in and out of depression for years because of this. Despite my prayers, i still constantly feel this great temptation to consciously fantasize about him and his awesome body, and i know it's affecting our friendship in a way that is not necessarily good.

Like i've said, we both consider each other to be best friends, and for me not just because i'm attracted to him. I'm bothered by the fact that my love for him will never be that true, brotherly kind of love that exists between close friends. I realise that all of mankind is sinful and hence cannot experience pure love, but surely my homosexuality means my love is even less pure. I can't help but feel like i'm shortchanging him when i do things for him because i want him to know i care rather than because i really care. I'm being selfish by using him as a tool with which to attain some semblence of satisfaction. Furthermore, because i'm attracted to him, and because under normal circumstances, romantic relationships ought to be exclusive, i find myself expecting him to talk to me and expecting him to express more care for me than for others. When he talks to others rather than me about personal things i feel like he doesn't trust me and i get angry. When he talks lots to other people, even my other friends, i start to see them as 'rivals'. It's really quite terrible.

I've been strong up to now. I've yet to fall into a hole that i'm not able to climb out without god's help. But i don't know if i can keep going on like this. It takes a massive amount of energy to actively prevent myself from having sexual fantasies of him, and it can be very draining. I just don't know how much longer i can go before i fall down and never go down. God willing, may that never happen.

 

[adevoutChristian]

I believe by coming to realisation that by what you are doing is wrong that you have taken the first step towards recovery and by publicly confessing what you have done you have already helped yourself by giving others the oppurtunity to give you the help you need. I myself am not in the best position to aid you in your struggle but I know that there are many members in this forum who will be more than willing to help out a friend in need.

 

[tormented]

I'm in trouble. I realise i'm now thoroughly addicted to him. We used to see each other in school everyday. Now we're on different schools and don't see each other anymore. He's never online so i can't chat and he never replies to my text messages.

I feel so lonely and miserable without him. I realise how much i need him for motivation and self-confidence.

Furthermore, i'm growing crazy thinking about him and his body. I keep imagining him. I feel so dirty.

I'm trying to just put it aside and depend on god but i can't seem to do that. I just feel so fidgety and disturbed.

 

[he_is_risen!!]

Okay, let me say this. I have been have been in almost the exact same position as you. I myself have struggled w/ homosexuality for over a year now. I won't bore you with the long and difficult details but I truly understand. I mean I go to a youth group of about 80+ kids and I have thought the same stuff about some of my guy friends there. It took me long enough to realize what was happening. I had a weakness and the devil knew it, and he was using it against me. I have now resorted to when ever I feel tempted, I literally say out loud "leave me alone satan, I serve Christ and I won't let you control me." or something along those lines. The point is don't let him fool you this temptaion can be overcome with Christ's help and You mustn't loose hope cause that's Exactly what he wants. Trust in CHrist, I tell you, don't let the devil fool you, there is help and Christ can free you. God bless. Casey

 

[squeak]

I pray that you will find help

 

[Ssarl]

Brother,
I can to some extent understand your struggle, and I truly care. I hope and pray that you will find guidance and strength to deal with this... it sounds like you've been really hurt, and you're hurting yourself all the more by hating yourself for your feelings.

I myself have homosexual desires. I am fortunate that I was able to nip this in the bud; within three days of 'coming out' to my friends I'd made the decision that I wasn't going to let it dominate me; I committed to celibacy, which I will only change if and when God heals my heart and gives me the desire for a wife and family.

It was not until the last year that I ever managed to form close relationships; and like you I found myself becoming attracted to two of my male friends. Both know I'm gay and both have told me they love me as brothers. I knew from the start this wasn't something I wanted to happen, so I made a commitment that I wouldn't entertain these thoughts and God helped me to understand that the love we shared was different to the sort of love that involves attraction. I was able to stop feeling that way...

Unfortunately, I somehow doubt you'll be able to let go of your feelings quickly, now that they've gone on so long... it *can* be done, mind. In other areas of my life (my mental illness and self-hatred) God is right now breaking down beliefs I've had for *years*. In the last few months I've realised that I am not completely without redeeming features and that everybody does not hate me; until now it was a powerful lie that held me captive.

I don't claim to know why you have these feelings, but I can spot a few similarites with my own struggle... I lacked close relationships in either friends or family until very recently, particularly with other men. Certainly nobody had told me they loved me before... this meant that relationships with men because something desirable for me, something I didn't think I could have, and they did become sexualised in my mind.

I also suffered from a critically low self-esteem; I've hated myself for the last three years. This too can make it difficult to accept genuine love and friendship without it becoming something more in your mind.

I'm glad you can admit that you have a problem and an addiction; as cliched as it is, that's the first step towards getting rid of it. My progress towards freedom from depression was virtually nil until the day I broke down and admitted it before God and before my friends. Once I sought help and committed to getting it out of my life, the change was amazing; and I've been rocketing along towards freedom for the past six months.

It's clear that there's lies in your mind; just as there were (and still are) in mine. I don't say this to attack you, but to draw your attention to them that you may rebuke them and let the truth into your life instead.

I don't see myself as a very attractive person, and no matter how hard i exercise i'm always extremely skinny. I'm introverted at find it hard to step into the spotlight. I'm also a lazy idiot, even though i tend to get good grades anyway out of luck i suppose.

Every one of those lies used to dwell in my own head.
If anybody has the right to call himself skinny, it's me. I'm underweight, always have been and it doesn't look set to change. But this has never once presented a problem with my health and never gotten in the way of a friendship either; it's such a silly thing to worry about and let rule your life. Don't ever let anybody (especially yourself!) tell you that it's wrong to be the way you are. You don't fit the stereotype on this... *but there's nothing wrong with that*.

You may not feel attractive, but I assure you, your'e not the only one who gets a say in this. I think I'm butt-ugly and have never thought differently; but it just so happens that there are people out there who disagree. I've been called cute and even asked out before, which was a huge shock! I'm quite sure that somebody will find you attractive, if it's not in fact true already! And more importantly; God created you beautifully. Your weight and anything else about your body has no bearing on that. You have a beautiful heart and soul!

Being an introvert is not a life sentence. It's something that you can change if you really want to. I have just recently done this myself; I was sick and tired of having no friends. It had nothing to do with my being unlikable and everything to do with my withdrawing and not letting anybody get to know me. Once I let down my defences and made a commitment to be more social, I developed real friendships and my social life is now *amazing*.

It's also quite obvious from that last statement that your academic situation is exactly like mine - you have a powerful mind, and don't believe that or don't like it. Nobody gets good grades through luck, short of those who bribe the teacher; if you achieved them without effort (something I've done all my life) it's obvious your natural ability is great! That's not something to be ashamed of at all! I know it might seem that you're lazy, but if the work you're given isn't challenging enough that you *have* to work hard, whyever would you? I don't know anybody in the same situation that got by without bludging at all....

It's obvious that you really loathe yourself because of this sin. I'm afraid this really makes it a vicious cycle and a dangerous trap; the more you hate yourself the more likely you are to keep feeling this way, and so on...

One thing I've found that has never failed in getting rid of sins like this from my life is commitment to Jesus. Decide once and for all that you're going to be rid of this *no matter what*. And mean it. Be prepared for it to be *hard* to give up. Be prepared to slip up and do it again; but also to keep going and not give up hope when this happens. Jesus really is thankful in delivering freedom. You just have to make sure you don't give up before His timing...

Know that God *has* forgiven you for harbouring desires. It is God's promise that we are no longer unclean; we have been cleansed of all unrighteousness by Christ's sacrifice. The enemy delights in keeping us from remembering that; but it's nonetheless true.

I've spent six months commiting myself to giving up my feelings of self-hate. It was *not* something that happened instantly nor easily. But it is working.

Your struggle has touched my heart. I love you and care for you. I know this sounds bizarre coming from a complete stranger, but this is my spiritual gifting. Christ Jesus has an even greater love for you; and you can find freedom from all things in Him. I pray that you will discover this for yourself!

I know you think you need this man to make you feel worthy; but it's not true. You have great worth as it is, you just have problems seeing it, as I did. Jesus healed my heart and let me see that I am loved and that I deserve this just as much as anybody else does; I pray that you'll receive the same revelation.

Please feel free to talk to me about this any time. If you want me to keep you accountable or just need to vent, I'm here for you, brother. *huge e-hug*

Your brother in Christ,
Andrew

 

[kingzjewel]

there is a book that i highly recommend that you read: Out of Egypt by Jeanette Howard. It deals with lesbianism, but the same points can be applied to any person who is dealing with homosexuality in whatever form. Don't worry bro, we all got your back...and God has definitely got your back. It would probably also help you to go to a search engine and look up testimonies of ex homosexuals. It will help you get focused. I know its hard. the thing we want most becomes our obsession. we feel like we need to be with that person or we will burst wide open. we yearn for their touch, their smell, any contact that will validate us, even if only for one moment. then the need becomes greater and greater until it consumes us. it pulls us down for every effort to climb out again...it eats us alive from the inside out. in other words, i know what you are feeling, bro. i was there. i was a bisexual and i loved this woman with all my soul...i couldnt live without just hearing her breathe on the other end of the phone. but i got out... and you can too.

www.exodusinternational.org <---- LGBT Recovery----
http://members.aol.com/hawebpage <-Homosexuals Anonymous -----
the stuff after this is from http://www.michaelh.com/homosexuality.shtml#comingout :

<LI>Living Hope Ministries, "Keys to Recovery from Same-Sex Attraction"
[ http://www.livehope.org/docs/keys_to_recovery.html ]

Things to remember for those who are recovering from Same-Sex attraction.

<LI>Matt Kaufman, "Not Afraid to Come Out"
[ http://www.boundless.org/1999/features/a0000026.html ]

"The good news is, homosexuality is neither inevitable nor inescapable. Ask Michael Johnston, an HIV-positive ex-gay and chairman of National Coming Out of Homosexuality Day, also celebrated on Oct. 11. "'Our goal is to provide a Christian world view - to tell people that many of us have come out of homosexuality, and that we're willing to offer a helping hand to those who want to do the same,' Johnston told Boundless."

​

<LI>Frank Worthen, "How to Deal with Same-Sex Attractions"
[ http://www.newhope123.org/same_sex.htm ]

"One of the most difficult battles faced by those overcoming homosexuality is working through attractions they still have to people of the same sex. Often, the enemy capitalizes on the situation to induce guilt, condemnation, and feelings of hopelessness and failure." ...
​

 

[katie4165]

I'll be praying for you... sorry, but I don't know what to say, I've read the posts and I'm speechless, I've never been challenged with something like this... I will be praying for you! May God bless you in your time of trouble!
Love in Christ,
Katie
P.S. It must have taken a lot of courage to admit that its wrong, I admire you for that!

 

[bliz]

From what you have said here, I am not convinced that you are gay. Your focus has be on this one guy, not on guys in general.

When we are young, a lot of emotions all come together and things can be very confusing. It is not at all uncommon for guys to have "crushes" on guys and girls to have them on other girls, but in our present homophobic society, everyone avoids talking about crushes on people of the same gender.. Which only makes it worse becasue when we get them and makes us more likely to wonder if they are gay or lesbian.

Crushes can be all consuming and impact people every waking moment of every day. They can cause powerful emotions and feelings. The huge-weight-on the chest and gaping-hole-in-the-chest feelings are quite common. Also finding yourself doing very foolish and idiotic things and being unable to stop yourself from doing them.

Don't be so quick to attach a lable to yourself and think it's a done deal. Adolescence is filled with difficult and confusing emotions.

 

[Sam Gamgee]

How old are you?