Please help me and my child.

[DawnMarie]

Our household desperately needs money. My mother won't babysit my daughter because she feels she's too old, and that her golden years (she just turned 61) shouldn't be ruined by havin to babysit her grandaughter...her only one. Even if it is only two days a week for 5 hours each. I'm a stay-at-home mother. My husband works, and works, and ends up giving his ex wife almost everything because she keeps taking him back to domestic relations, and they keep giving her everything. Also because he has a mandatory retirement amount being deducted from his wages from his work. Between those two, and the tax man...things are really tight around here.

I can't work because my husband doesn't have a schedule. He's given 2 hours notice when he works. I can't work around that.

My step mother is yelling because she never gets my daughter. My father and step-mother disappeared when I was 3...even though we all lived in the same little town. They wanted nothing to do with me. When I did visit (while i was 2) they were mean and verbally abusive. They came back around when I was 15 or 16. They don't seem to think they're donig anything wrong, but they refuse to put their mean dog away when we visit. The dog scares my daughter (and me!), so we don't go there. Now I'm getting all kinds of grief because they never see my daughter. I'm very nervous around them, and don't know how to talk to them. They're very attacking and ruthless. Yet they've financially helped me a lot in the past year. They paid about $5,000 to get me into a newer vehicle, and paid $2,000 to replace 1/2 of my windows on the main floor (where my child sleeps.) They're so good to me financially, but emotionally they're disturbing people. I'm afraid to be around them...so I'm afraid to leave my defenseless child with them. In the meantime, I need money. I need a sitter. I don't see how I could hand her over to them. I just couldn't. I really can't speak to them. They don't see anyone's opinion but their own. Everything else is garbage. They've never had children (well...other than me.) They're truly disturbed, and yet so helpful. What do I do?

I need help.

 

[mamaneenie]

I'm sorry that I can't offer advice. I do know how you feel about not being able to find a sitter for your child. I am going through the same thing with my son. (2)

I will pray for you.

 

[~PICKLE~]

I'm so sorry for your troubles, I wish i lived by you, I'd babysit for you. I'll be praying, God will give an answer that you need.

 

[Iddie4him]

I wish that there were something I could do or say to change your current situation, But, Unfortunately I can't offer anything but support and love. I do so hope that things will start to look up for you soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[E-beth]

Oh, I know that feeling of desperation!

Some things that are worth looking into:

1. Find a job at a day care, a pre-school, or even a gym where you are allowed to bring your daughter with you fro little or no cost. Several daycares let women bring their own children as a benefit of the job.

2. Take in kids at your home. One or two of pre-school age can play with your daughter and help you bring in money that is usually not taxed, cause they pay in cash. Then you can stay home and be with your daughter and still bring in some money.

3. Co-op with someone who also has children and works a different shift than you. Sometimes you can find a co-worker or a friend that works differnt days than you or different times and you can watch each other's kids. This usually only works for those in part-time jobs.

That is just some things that I have done. Now I am lucky enough to have Daddy home with my son all day, even if it is due to Daddy's bad back. But fro awhile I was dropping my son off at someone else's house every morning and was working an average of two days of the week just to pay the babysitter! But every little bit does help I guess.

If you are not comfortable leaving your daughter with your stepmom, don't! No amount of money can undo damage done to a child, and the mommy-guilt is definitely not worth it.

 

[Tangnefedd]

I am maybe being a little naive here, but you have taken $7000 off them, yet you are critical of them on this forum. If they are that disturbed you should have NOTHING to do with them at all.

E-beth has some very sensible ideas that would help you, I hope you consider them.

 

[E-beth]

A reminder to all who read here:

Directly asking for money is against the rules here at CF. For your protection, please do not look at this thread as a solicitation for funds. I think that Dawn Marie needs our prayers most of all, and our advice and our emotionally support. But please don't think that this thread is endorsed by CF as a donation request.

 

[Etharia]

E-Beth's ideas are very good if that's something you think you could or would do.
I have a friend who has 2 young children and they went through some tough times. She also couldn't find a babysitter so she started babysitting 5 days a week. She didn't have to pay for a babysitter and she got some extra income which really helped out. Plus, she still got to stay home with her kids but now they had friends to play with and she said that helped a lot of times because her children always had someone to play with, even if she was cleaming or cooking.

 

[Tangnefedd]

A reminder to all who read here:

Directly asking for money is against the rules here at CF. For your protection, please do not look at this thread as a solicitation for funds. I think that Dawn Marie needs our prayers most of all, and our advice and our emotionally support. But please don't think that this thread is endorsed by CF as a donation request.

Please take E-beth's advice seriously, I know from personal experience that sending money to folk one has only 'met' on the Internet does not work out well!

 

[DawnMarie]

I am maybe being a little naive here, but you have taken $7000 off them, yet you are critical of them on this forum. If they are that disturbed you should have NOTHING to do with them at all.

E-beth has some very sensible ideas that would help you, I hope you consider them.

Though emotionally distraut, they're my family, and they're trying to be supportive. Unfortunately, they are unfit for having a part in raising my child. They have the option of visiting us here...at home. Leaving my baby with them, unsupervised, is not an option; although they are the only ones who seem to be offering. You sound quite judgemental and critical. I'm surprised to see such a display of emotion for someone you've never met. Perhaps I've reminded you of a personal mishap regarding an unwise donation. I apologize if my request for prayers has offended you.

Please note that there is no way to privately contact me to forward funds, and I don't believe anyone has mistakenly thought I was asking for your money. I was asking for prayers and helpful information.

I thank those who offered me choices that I just couldn't come up with by myself. Thank you.

 

[DawnMarie]

I am not asking for your money. I am asking for your prayers and advice.
Thank you.

 

[~PICKLE~]

I didn't take DawnMarie post as a request for money, she simply needs prayers and advice on what she should do. DM I'm praying for your situation.

 

[Jinnapiban]

When I was separated from my ex, my girls were only 1 and 3 years old and I had to take them to the home of someone I barely knew because I had to go to work. It was so difficult thinking about their safety while I was trying to learn my new job and then when I was able to pick them up - I resented the small amount of time I got to spend with them because I was so insistent about keeping them on their schedule. I don't know how, but God managed to work out all the details for us.... The girls were always safe and soon I got a better job and could afford for them to go to a better daycare center. One of the things that got us through was singing the Rich Mullins song, "Sometimes by Step". Even though my daughters were babies, they could sing all the words to that and many other Christian songs. It was so beautiful to hear them singing about Jesus Christ.

My girls are now 11 and 13 and I thank God for the opportunity to share this with you, it is so humbling and amazing for me to remember how hopeless I was and yet He was so faithful to me and my girls. He has provided for all of our needs and alot of our wants. The best thing about our life circumstance is that my girls know the difference between needs and wants - something that I probably would not have taught them if life had worked out the way I thought it should.

I pray that God will bless you in His mighty, infinite ways.... One day you will be able to share with someone else how God provided for your family too.

 

[cjba]

The babysitting in your home sounds like a great idea. I know someone who went through a very similar sitution. I don't know what city you live in. But here in California they have a program called "Options" the charge for caring for child is based on your income. I think you look in the white pages in your phone book or call information for a phone number. I also know a person that started her child care business and you need to get a license if you take care of 6 children total. Some of the programs even reimburse you for the meals you provide. Some programs will help you establish a library for the children you care for to get them motivated in reading. The person I know now has about 12 + children and 2 adult helpers due to child - adult ratio. I with paying for the 2 helpers she probably makes about $3 grand a month. Not bad for staying at home and taking care of your own child. You'll need to get your house inspected for saftey reasons and get fingerprinted. I believe you can also get the information on licensed day care in the white pages as well. I know there is also a program that will help you get children to watch for low income parents. Hope this helps.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Sorry if I got it wrong Dawn Marie, I apologise.

 

[jenptcfan]

If you take in too many kids and have the actual status of "day care", there are huge liability issues to take into consideration. Insurance for day cares is EXTREMELY high (as one might imagine!). That's just something to take into consideration if you decide to take kids into your home. I don't think it would apply if you just take in 2-3 kids, but different states probably have different laws about it.

Look for different options in your community. The community I grew up in has a program where people who qualify can take their kids for free. It's run completely by volunteers and relies on donations from the community to stay afloat. Your neighborhood might not have that, but there might be low cost alternatives to daycares for people who are in your current situation.

 

[DawnMarie]

I don't think I can babysit in my home. I have a one bedroom, one bathroom house, and a husband who works shifts. He's at home, sleeping quite frequently in the day. If I had a house full of kids, he'd never get a decent night's sleep (OR day's sleep, I should say.) Although I'm tempted to try one other child, or perhaps two at the most. But you only get $3 an hour. Funny...the most important job in the world is only $3 an hour. I guess it's a good thing if I decide to taker her to someone else...but it just seems odd to me.

My daughter would be hysterical if I took her to daycare. She's an only child. It's pretty quiet around here. I took her to daycare centers to see if she liked them. She refused to even go into the room with 30 loud and roudy kids. Although kindergarten is just around the corner. Too many things to think about. I still need to get my taxes done. I think I'm just going to send them in the way they are. I have no idea what I'm doing anyways.

There's a lady who will watch her in her home. Her husband is the president of the CPO organization at our school. She's got tons of references and experience. My daughter thinks she'd like the 10 mo. old baby that the lady is also watching. It's just really scary to hand your baby over to a stranger. Especially when your own family doesn't even watch your child!!! It's just been me and my child from day one. She's not used to being away from me (and visa versa) at all! But I'm running out of options, and my husband seems like he's on the verge of leaving us. He's already emotionally unavailable. (He's quite immature about finances. He's never written a check (33 years old) and won't even discuss finances.) His answer: "Get a job." Well that's lovely, darling. But what shall we do with the child? "Figure it out." Thank you, dear. What would I do without you?

Even though the sitter is only $3 an hour, I can probably only make $6 or $7 at a part-time job. I'll be working and stressing over being separated from my baby for $3 or $4 an hour's pay. And the sad thing is: we really need the $3 or $4 an hour.

I feel like my back's against the wall. It's a pathetic situation to be in. When I lived alone, I had a gorgeous townhouse and a sportscar...and now I'm going to bust my hump for $3 or $4 an hour so I can pay the heating bill and mortgage. Sigh.

I asked my husband to switch to generic cigarettes because we couldn't afford his name brand. He said no. Flat out--no. I hate that he cares more about his cigarette brand than his family. He's not looking very appealing to me. At all. I've said it before: if he'd quit smoking, we'd have enough money to get by. He just won't.

It'll be a miracle if my marriage survives this.

Please keep praying for me!

PS: Thanks, Tangnefedd. I appreciate that.

 

[faith177]

I am sorry that your husband seems so insensitive, men are definately geared differently than women and are hard to understand sometimes, as we are to them I'm sure.

With our taxes we went through h&r block and had such trouble getting our return we were calling irs all the time and found out that if you go to the local office they will help you file for free, that is what we are going to do from now on. Also there are many other charitities that have helpers, catholic charities, some at the library.

I would also like to extend an understanding of the frustration you are feeling with a husband that just does not seem to want to put his family first. I have felt that many times, although not quite in the same situation as yours. Right now I am feeling strongly convicted to stop thinking bad thoughts of my husband even though he is not being a strong spiritual leader in our family. But to strongly fight the enemy through prayer for my husband and our family, its hard, its a pride thing why should I pray for him when he is not even trying when he doesnt even seem to care what our family is going through because he is more into the worldly things. But God can change them not us but God, and he will if we are faithful in our lives. Believe me I have fallen into a trap of reacting in a less than Godly way many times because of my husbands behaviour but it is a trap, we must keep Jesus as our focus and stop depending on our husbands for our emotional and spiritual needs.

I have often felt jealous when I hear of husbands that lead their families with strength and compassion. that put God first in their lives and I wish that for my family. If I fall into a habit of acting badly because of these things than i am just as much as fault. I must grow into the woman God wants me to regardless of how my husband acts, it feels so much harder but I really believe that if we grow and act as God wants us too then God will be faithful in working in our husbands, we just have to trust and know that we cannot change them only God can.

 

[Jinnapiban]

I wanted to add something to what faith177 was saying about our actions before God. Try to remember that you are God's chosen teacher for your daughter & even though you can tell her how she should do things, she is watching how YOU do things and that is what she will model. As hard as it may be to be separated from her while you work, you will be teaching her that you are strong & obedient to God by providing for your family.

You are in my prayers.
jp

 

[aplmom]

Dawn Marie:

Maybe you could start a home-based business. Something like selling Tupperware or Mary Kay Cosmetics. That way you could work out of your home and still be able to bring in an income. E-beth had some very good suggestions for you and I hope that you are able to come up with some sort of solution. I definitely agree that if you feel the least bit uncomfortable, you should not leave your child. Too many children are killed and mamed by vicious animals every year. You don't want to put your child in harms way. You sound like a very caring mother who is in a hard place. Just remember, God can reach as far down as is necessary to pick you up from wherever you are in your life. I hope that through your own prayers and the prayers of others, God's grace touches your life and you are able to find a solution. God bless you and your family.