Please help: Don't know where to post. I feel evil.

[Matt112]

Hi,

I really need some help to get out of this terrible situation I

am in. This may take a long time and I need prayers and all the

support I can get; this is only a first step in reaching out to

people for help online. I intend to find some help from

Christians in the surrounding area as soon as possible, but I

don't like confessing all this stuff. This is a very disturbing

situation which may shock you. This is a warning.

I feel evil. I feel like I am a numb soul with little hope.

Psychopathic. My emotions have completely dried up and I am

convinced that I am possessed by evil.

My story is long and sad but I'll try and summarize it as best

as I can.

I became a Christian as a child. I picked up the bible because

I wanted to know if masturbation was wrong or not. I read the

Old Testament and I began to fear God very much. I remember

trembling over my breakfast thinking that I must change. I

studied the bible more and more and tried to legalistically

repent of my sins..God lead me more and more and soon I was

truly sorry for what I had done to him and I felt like a new

person. My whole world changed and I saw others in an

increasingly new light. My innocent soul belonged to God and I

deeply feared evil. The bible was always at the foot of my bed

every night. The parables of the gospels lead me to try and

build a solid house of faith, one that would not fall. Please

believe me, I was so very sincere in following Christ - I took

his word to heart. This seems like a distant memory now.

Conscious of Jesus's words " not all those who call me Lord,

Lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven" - I did my best to

follow Him with my heart. But I kept on getting lost in the

world. My friends didn't have the same faith that I did. They

weren't so concerned with religion as I was, I assumed. I would

fall into sin, cry my eyes out in sorrowful repentance, return

to God and then realign my life. But there was this rebellious

streak that later led to the most horrific experience of my

life.

At the age of 15 I had been a believer for a good 5 years or so

and had much experience of God's presence in my life. I knew he

was there. The Bible told the truth. My prayers were always

answered, sometimes to my astonishment, and I felt the warmth

of the Holy Spirit in my heart guiding me. But then something

very wrong began to happen.

I was envious of my friend's easy lives. They didn't have to

think about this God stuff. They just had fun. I didn't swear,

or lie or look at girls lustfully, or fall into greediness. In

all honesty I was tired of being the goody two shoes. I din't

realize how dangerous this attitude actually was until a bit

later. They say that pride always comes before a fall. This was

definitely true in my case. One night in the 2000 I was playing

a gig with my band in which I played the drums. I was usually

quite humble, but I suddenly felt this surge of pride arise

within me, which scared me. But this was the start of the

downward spiral. That night in bed I had the sense that I was

falling from God, that I was losing my faith. I wept but felt

it would soon past and I would be fine within weeks. Wrong.

Things only got worse. Doubt crept in and filled my heart.

Certain scriptures began to torment my soul. Those that speak

of apostasy and "the danger of falling away" spoken of in

Hebrews 10. I got more and more upset and depressed. I soon

became unable to go about my daily activities. The bible, which

was once my source of happiness and encouragement, became

increasingly the object of my troubles. Instead of reading

psalms I would start to linger over the scary passages of the

devil being like a lion that wanted to eat anyone he could

devour. This is the beginning of the most terrible 10 years.

I felt the presence of evil spirits. Not audible voices but

influences. It was if I was surrounded by sense of treachery

and blasphemy. They got this idea stuck in my head that made no

sense. They told me that evil was good and good was evil and

that by being evil you could somehow be saved. Basically the

horrible things turned my conscience on its head, leading me

into even deeper darkness. By this time I couldn't function at

all. My parents didn't have a clue what to do to comfort me. I

felt like Job who was visited by the most intense misfortune.

My life ended. The evil influences got a hold me and tempted me

more and more. I think I'll stress that I honestly feel I

couldn't resist them...I made the mistake of not preparing for

such attacks. I was a kid, and I didn't know a dot about

spiritual warfare or anything of that sort. I had always put

the devil at the back of my mind. "He'll never bother me" I

always thought. This might not be an excuse. I am reluctent to

admit this. The black forces turned me into one of them. They

overcame me. The imagination arose in me to do the thing that

Jesus was tempted to do: worship Satan. At this moment

everything turned completely black. All the spiritual life in

me seemed to be drained and I was walking about like a sick

zombie. Suicide eluded me. The thought of suicide was

constantly with me everyday, the razor, the rope, the pills. I

told my mother, my own dear innocent mother about this and she

couldn't believe it. No one believed me. They thought I was

flipping mentally ill! I was but the cause of it was my

absolute foolishness in giving in to these feelings. I was

dead. Damned. Unforgivable. Why was I born? I don't know. I

used to be so sensitive but all my virtues seemed to wither

away in the darkness. I said to my mam, "Matthew's gone". So

here I have told you the worst part of the story as honestly as

I can, despite the fact I don't know if I'm still deceiving

myself. All I ever do is deceive myself and deceive others. But

you good people who read this can make your own minds up about

this.

I felt that since that time I have been demonically influenced

extremely badly, inside my body and soul. I feel split into

parts. One part of me just wants to continue in death and

another is driving me toward God. After about 6 months of total

depression I thought inside my heart that God would never

forgive me, ever. I couldn't repent. I read the bible over and

over again and it didn't affect me like it used to. I couldn't

feel sorry for what I'd done. I just felt numb. No one could

understand what I was talking about. So I said in my heart "I

may aswell just go on living a pointless earthly life and be

damned at the end of it". So i went out and partied and the

depression lifted a bit. It seemed a bit better for a season. A

distraction. But deep down it wasn't right. I got involved with

a girl who actually fell in love with me. I couldn't love her

back. I prayed to God to let me love her but I couldn't. My

soul was dead. I didn't want to hurt her though. It was sad.

She wasn't a Christian but she was a lovely person, full of

tenderness and innocence.

Years past. I went back to school and finished off my exams. I

suprisingly did well despite that fact that I had missed more

than 6 months of term. My life was pretty dull but I just tried

to more and more distract myself from the horrible fact that I

was an evil entity and I was going straight to hell. I really

felt that part of me was actually devilish.

It became increasingly more and more difficult to not give in

to sin. I started getting vain, lustful, greedy. I would steal

pirate software online and sunk to watching inappropriate contentography. I

actually believe that inappropriate contentography is one of the worst evils in

the world. It is like that because it corrupts you. If you

watch it once or twice you get addicted. It is worse than any

drug. Eventually the world you see just turns to a black and

white nightmare and your stuck watching these human beings

twisted in to sex objects. Everytime I looked at inappropriate content I felt

remorse, but I kept on pushing it down. Can you tell how this

is a trap?

Eventually I found this site and I posted explaining that I

felt I couldn't repent. Jesus said that all sin could be

forgiven except the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. A kind

and encouraging member of this site called "Whitehorse" took me

under his wing. He told me that it was okay and I needed to

build my faith that the Lord could heal me. But my faith was

weak and I was still rebellious. I had buried the nightmare of

the darkness inside me and pretended to myself that everything

would turn out ok. Time and time again I felt as I was being

drawn to seek repentance.

Whitehorse explained some things to me that I didn't know. He

was a Calvinist and believed in things like TULIP which teaches

that we are totally incapable of believing in Jesus or seeking

God on our own; it is Grace, he draws us. I don't know what you

think about this. I saw many positive things about reformed

theology which I didn't know at all previously. I've got all of

Whitehorse's letters on my hard drive. But I kept on getting

disappointed that God didn't seem to be hearing my prayers. He

seemed completely silent. He had abandoned me. My worst fears

were confirmed: either God didn't exist or I was unforgivable.

Whitehorse tried again and again to tell me that I must walk by

faith and not by feelings. He told me to reform my behaviour

and sincerely seek God with all my heart. But I ignored him and

chose to pretend to be good, knowing that really I was

insulting God. Things got knotted up and insular. It was a big

mess.

I started seeking spirituallity elsewhere. I read books about

Eastern religions.

The occult interested me.

Whitehorse used to post a lot. He was very respected on this

forum. We spoke constantly in private messages. Then he

disappeared. He stopped coming online in 2006. I prayed for

him. I hoped he was okay and that I would hear from him soon.

But there was nothings. I am scared and scarred that somehow I

might have murdered him by some form of black magic. I didn't

do a ritual or anything like that. I didn't even read a book

about curses or anything. It was just a worry.

This is the most important part of my story. I want to come

back to God, I want to repent. Please help if you can. What can

I do that will help me the most? I feel pretty much hopeless

apart from the fact that I still seem drawn to God and Christ.

There are often blasphemous thoughts that come through my mind

and heart. I don't like them. I need deliverence. I want to

break free from the devils chains. Presumption is a problem. I

feel locked in to evil thoughts and ways. I feel violence and

hatred and all sorts of bad things inside. How can I break free

from this?

Tonight I have been praying. I've been praying a lot in the

past few weeks.

I haven't told you everything in this post but I have tried to

give a good picture.

Is there still hope?

Any help would help me,

Thanks for listening to this,

Matt

 

[Criada]

There is always hope, Matt.
I'm sorry you have been through so much... but whatever you have done, however low

you have fallen, God is still there, and He loves you unconditionally. He is bigger than

your sin... Jesus sacrifice was complete, all encompassing, and sufficient for every sin

you could ever commit.

Do you have a pastor you can talk to in 'real life'? It sounds as though you need some

help, and whilst you can find it online to some extent, having strong Christians who

can pray with you is very important.

God is drawing you back to Him, and that is wonderful. Try to rest in His love.. even if

you don't feel it, the bible promises that it is there.

This video helped me when I felt that God couldn't forgive me... I hope that it will help

you too.

YouTube - The Inheritance for Men and Women

Praying for you.

 

[Matt112]

Thank you and bless you.

I watched the video and prayed hard asking Jesus back into my heart. I felt light in the darkness and in the past few days things have been getting better. I'm so glad I can be forgiven. I am trying my best to get back on my feet, sometimes making mistakes, but all the while depending on God's mercy to see me through.

I have been resting more and more in His love. It is working! Especially when I listen to uplifting music.

Things can seem so hopeless for such a long time and then some one like you comes around and tells me such a good thing at just the right time.

Thank you, Criada, and may our Lord bless you for helping me...

Matt x

 

[Lucis]

You are totally right that there is evil things inside of you, but that's the truth for everyone. Even the apostle Paul said that he knew "in myself there is nothing good". David said: There is not one good person, not one that is doing the good. And I'm afraid that if you are trying to get rid of your sinful nature, then you will be working for nothing. There is noting you can do about it. Still if you were praying every day, giving all your money to the poor, burning yourself alive for the faith, cutting off your limbs to prevent them from sinning, still deep inside of all of us, as we are in ourselves, there is nothing good. We are all fallen with no chance of ever finding salvation by trying to do what is good. It is like it is written that you can't wash the spots of a leopard, this is a word that I felt God was speaking to me in a powerful way many years ago when I desperately tried to find a way to become a better person.

And the only thing we can really do is to say "God, I am not capable of doing good at all, I give all my life to you and let you do what I cannot do myself". And by "all my life", I mean all of it. Don't hold anything back. Don't put anything above Him, but let Him have it all. Ask of Him to make you into a living sacrifice for Him. Give Him all of your life and let Him be the owner of it. Say goodbye to yourself, and you will notice that God will be for you what He wants, and what He wants is in His wisdom something far greater then we can see or think about. His ways and thoughts are higher then we can understand. He can find ways where we see none. God is Spirit, and the new life that He wants to give to you is also in the Spirit. And in Him, where He lives in you and you in Him, in the light, the devil can't touch you, but you will crush him under your feet.

It is written that anyone that comes to Him, He will not cast away. He is knocking on your door and all you have to do is invite Him into your heart. And if you do, if you give yourself to Him, you are His belonging from then and He won't ever let god of you. Not when you fail, not when you succeed, not even in death will He let go off you.

YouTube - El SHADDAI Amy Grant (Live)

 

[Johnnz]

You are wrongly condemned. You are an earnest young man who accepts false guilt far too easily and that is destroying you. Perhaps it's teh church where you are at, where there is an unbiblical emphasis on sin, punishment and an angry God?

You need someone older with a really healthy basis to their faith to talk you through some biblical principles that wil set you free from your tendencies to beat up on yourself without justification.

John
NZ

 

[myanchor]

And Matt, you could also benefit from going into the depression forum. And I guess the spiritual warfare forum. Haven't been there that I remember, but I betcha there are folks who can help you there too.

 

[shye]

I wonder if you over think things, seems like you are putting fear in your life where they dont need to be. Like what myanchor said go to the depression section but also try the anxiety and panic disorder section too. sounds like you dwell on the fear of being damned to hell and pass over the goodness of those who have faith.

 

[andreha]

Matt, I'm glad you're doing better. Remember, the devil will never tell you the truth. You are a child of God, and will remain that way into eternity. You have been forgiven, renewed and rejuvenated - glory to God our Father! I have had terrifying experiences with demons as a child. But one day, I called for Jesus to save me from that, and He did, immediately. God taught me the importance of yielding to the Holy Spirit, by declaring it with my mouth and meaning it in my heart. It is vitally important to verbally invite the Holy Spirit into every fibre of one's being and to ask Him to lead and guide you according to His will. After I started doing that, my life changed *BIG* time. He is the most awesome, loving friend you could have. Please PM me if you'd like to chat - I have a good understanding of what you were through, and won't hesitate to encourage and uplift you whenever you need.

 

[BrianJohn]

Pray my brother. God will not leave you or forsake you. You know how we know? Because He said so. Do not trust your emotions, trust his word and walk toward Him. I know were you are. I have been there. You will get through it. I am praying for you. You are loved by us. You are my brother and I love you. Trust that.

 

[Quasicentennial]

Adam and Eve are responsible for our sins. So many people who have not accepted Jesus Christ have suffered Satan's power of deceit. Crime, mental illness and disease are causes of God's curse and punishment for everybody thanks to Adam and Eve. I thank the Lord for excellent health and it is our mission as a Christian to convert atheists into Christians and not in reverse. God is focused on the poor and the sick. I hope you as a Christian ambassador stand up and be courageous with the heart and mind of Jesus Christ. I don't smoke, drink alcohol or take drugs. Non-Christian friends can create a powerful peer pressure that if you don't follow them then you become an outcast weirdo. Being with Christians means the right way of thinking, keeping your mind and body free from evil. You can also be an inspector to keep an eye on Christians who could also have a close encounter with Satan. God gave us crisis to wake up the hidden talent in our minds where the holy spirit can unleash it's power of purity over evil. Money is also another Christian deterrent where wealth desperation can force many Christians to dive into the sea of drowning debt, become addicted to gambling and stealing - instead of investing into new ideas or inventions such as writing a book or cooking a new recipe.

 

[bluelime2]

The bible tells us that gifts and calling of God are irrevocable. That means that if God has called you to salvation, that calling is always there no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you slip up. The same goes for all of us.

You don't have to worry about failing God, he knew you before you were born and called you to be his son. Just don't give up on the road. That's really all it takes. Jesus said that the greatest commandments were 'love your neighbour as yourself and love your God with all your heart, mind and strength, for on these hang all the law and the prophets.' In otherwords that's the core of what following God is all about. It isn't that complicated really, it's about wanting to do the right thing and keeping on the journey.

Every time you fall down, get up. It might take awhile but the whole journey of christianity isn't just skipping down the yellow brick road for anyone. It takes persistance and patience, hard work and determination. But a relationship with God is worth that.

The christian walk isn't impossible, in fact God says in his word that 'his yoke is easy and his burden is light'. All you really have to do is want it (and be willing to keep going through the hard times.)

You're fine if you want it and are willing to pursue God for it. Anyone can achieve that, because God opened it up for everyone.

(However you will need to plug into some sort of fellowship with other belivers at some stage if you arn't in a church at the moment. One of the clauses (if you like) of christianity is that God designed the whole thing so that we'd need each other to suceed in it. It isn't a faith that we can do solo, God just didn't create it to be like that.)

Hope that helps

God bless

 

[annrobert]

Jesus will never leave us or forsake us.
He is all powerful to forgive.
Jesus is mighty to save.
He is merciful and compassionate.
Jesus says he that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out.
You are not your own you are bought with a price.
Jesus says all that the Father gives to Me will come to Me.
Therefore you are a gift from Father God to Jesus.
Jesus is the Good Shepherd who lays down His life for the sheep.
He restores our soul.
Jesus says come to Me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.
Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and deliver the captive and set at liberty those who are bruised.
A smoking flax Jesus will not quench and a bruised reed He will not crush.
Jesus delights in mercy.
You are not evil,you are redeemed,by Jesus our Saviour
blessings
annrobert

 

[Justasurvivor]

the truth is it's not good to fall on someones shoulders and expect them to save you I know because I've done the same I've placed trust into people around me to get me out of my bondage but then the lord showed me a passage in the bible about a young man of God who was told by God not to eat in the region that he was supposed to deliver the message to the inhabitants of the land and get out, but the lord planned on testing the man of God so he sent a older prophet to go and decieve the man of God into dining with him in that region and when the man of God failed because he trusted the prophet more than he did God he was then later mauled by lions for his transgression. don't depend on what others say without discerning their words because thats how many are gonna fail. I hope this helps you brother

 

[Justasurvivor]

and that's why he sent the holy spirit to be our teacher for he is perfect, without flaw, and very deserving