Physical Boundaries

[lionman]

What physical boundaries do you think there should be between a couple that isn't married? Obviously no sex, but what else?

 

[girlofgrace727]

being a 19 year old girl whose never been in a relationship...all my firsts go to my husband, and while dating..i dont think i would go past kissing

 

[peanutbutter12]

Simple answer: If you can't do it in front of your parents, chances are you shouldn't be doing it.

CJ

 

[lunalinda]

Simple answer: If you can't do it in front of your parents, chances are you shouldn't be doing it.

CJ

I like that response a lot. However, what about when you have uptight parents? Sometimes I certainly think it's alright to do something, but to them, it's not. Example? I was seen laying my head against my ex's chest. I didn't (and still don't) find anything at all wrong with it, which is why I didn't right myself when my mom entered the room. But she DID see something wrong with it, and gave me this whole lecture of him not being my husband and that I shouldn't have done that blah blah blah. Btw, we were sitting on the couch watching TV, not laying down, which would have THEN been understandable. My head was on his chest and his right arm was around my shoulders. Not at all a bad position if you ask me. Now me, I still think I can do such things around my parents. But now if my parents have their OWN opinions, well then...that's another issue!

Now personally, I wouldn't want to go past kissing. In fact, I'm starting to want to avoid even French kissing, since that's more of a passionate "I want you bad" kiss than it is an "I adore you so much" kiss, and such a kiss will (I've learned) cause a guy's hands to want to explore. As for me, I don't have that problem with wanting to explore, and am perfectly capable of heavy kissing without wanting to go further. But...it's not just about ME when I'm with someone. And if a guy is tempted to touch me when I kiss him long enough, then okay...I'll decrease the heavy kissing. And since groping or petting in private areas are a no-no for me as well (before marriage), it's no big deal to avoid french kissing. I'm more fond of the little pecks on the lips or even the simple, gentle kisses with barely any tongue that might last a few seconds anyway. They're just sweeter.

I pretty much say my physical boundaries are obviously below my waist (though the butt CAN be an exception when it's not being groped, but that's rare) and my chest. So basically, I don't want to be touched where a one-piece bathing suit covers, and that includes body kisses as well. No groping, fondling, rubbing (in private places), petting, grinding, or "dry sex." Nothing that'll turn me on into wanting sex with that person and vice versa. I'll take kisses anywhere on my head and neck, as well as shoulders, arms, and even feet. Yes, I've been kissed on my feet before. He dang spoiled me too much, which is nice, but done too often would make me get used to it and continue wanting it, which is bad when he's not a boyfriend, or at least isn't an official one. Slowly I'm learning to be thankful that the spoilings have decreased. But that's off track.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Mind you I didn't say "if your parents don't agree" !!!!!!HOWEVER!!!!!! They are your parents and you need to respect their wishes. Must I quote commandments?

CJ

 

[God'sPrincess]

My parents are very....what's the word....not strict, well, yes they are but they just plain hate me. So, when I got a boyfriend, I was shocked. When we discussed boundaries, we both had VERY different opinions. In front of my parents we didn't do anything for fear that we would never see eachother again!!!! In front of his parents we would hold hands and share a few kisses. I pretty much think that that is okay....

 

[jasmine88]

Simple answer: If you can't do it in front of your parents, chances are you shouldn't be doing it.

CJ

That doesn't necessarily work though. Seriously, I sometimes get uncomfortable talking to guys in front of my parents. It just weirds me out. I just can't help but wonder what they're thinking. Especially since my mom has to ask me if that's my boyfriend, every time.

But anyway, I'm struggling with the boundary issue myself, right now.

 

[Abuna]

Setting the boundaries early in the relationship is one of the best things you can do. But when im with a girl I just think this is someone's daughter and the Lords creation. That stops me cold if i even think of doing something to direspect her, her parents, or the Lord. Just think of that when your with your signifanct other. The Lord wants them to be able to present their body pure and unadulturated as a sacrifice to him, so just help them out in that respect and keep it clean.

 

[Ithilwyn]

Setting the boundaries early in the relationship is one of the best things you can do.

Very well said! The physical aspect of a relationship doesn't work very well in reverse.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Another good thing to keep in mind, "If you have to question if it's ok, it probably isn't." While relationships need some amount of physical aspect, our idea of what's ok physically is not what was ok 2000 years ago. In fact, it would have been downright scandalous in their society.

However I do know people who have never even kissed the person they were courting till they were either publically engaged or married. Again, it was a choice to save it for that one true person.

CJ

 

[SOLDOUT4HIM]

If it gives either party a physical response you shouldn't be doing it.

 

[Spoilt Victorian Child]

I object to that. I don't know about you guys, but I can react to just sitting across the table from her and looking at her!

 

[peanutbutter12]

I object to that. I don't know about you guys, but I can react to just sitting across the table from her and looking at her!

Hahaha so sad but true. Sometimes it sucks to be a male.

CJ

 

[Quantum_Man]

I object to that. I don't know about you guys, but I can react to just sitting across the table from her and looking at her!

Haha I can definitely relate here.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

ha. True indeed. Guys can find pleasure in the least and most innocent of situations. The general guideline of 'if you can't do it in front of your parents, then dont do it at all' is pretty good, though it's flaws have been pointed out.

I know some people who think that sexual intimacy is all one package, and that you can't do something like setting the line between, say, 2nd and 3rd base, or anything like that, but that it's all a package deal, and that nothing is ok to do before marriage, aside from holding hands, holding the girl's shoulder, or 'side-hugs'

This might be a decent idea for those going into a courting situation from the level of acquaintanceship, but for those who have a significant investment in each others lives in friendship and in fellowship, I think such limits can be relaxed a bit, since the limits are inplace to prevent premature physical intimacy from masquerading as feeling of love before they develop naturally (ie through friendship, fellowship, and romance).

I think I want to save my first kiss for at least someone i'm engaged to. Other stuff like hugging or her resting her head on my shoulder, or giving backrubs...those I would find acceptable in the courting stage (again, given a high degree of friendship and fellowship beforehand). It's all about God being the center of the relationship.

Perhaps the rule of thumb should be "If you can't do it without feeling guilty before God, then don't do it at all"...though then it might be all about your subjective feelings of what you feel guilty about. IMO, its less the level you set your boundaries at (though there are some minumum levels i would suggest) and more about unwavering accountability to those boundaries. You set them to protect each other's purity and honour God by saving as much intimacy as possible until engagement or marriage (though engagement by no means is a free-zone either, IMO...like I said, the biggest difference at that point to me might be kissing becoming acceptable).

 

[KristianJ]

Hahaha so sad but true. Sometimes it sucks to be a male.

CJ

*nods* The key in my mind is to not act further on that response, because...well, sometimes you just can't control some responses...

But when im with a girl I just think this is someone's daughter and the Lords creation. That stops me cold if i even think of doing something to direspect her, her parents, or the Lord. Just think of that when your with your signifanct other. The Lord wants them to be able to present their body pure and unadulturated as a sacrifice to him, so just help them out in that respect and keep it clean.

I like what you've said here - and the creator's got His eyes focussed on our actions and hearts when we're with our SO's, so it's a reminder that we are being watched, even if our parents, siblings, etc. aren't around.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

I like what you've said here - and the creator's got His eyes focussed on our actions and hearts when we're with our SO's, so it's a reminder that we are being watched, even if our parents, siblings, etc. aren't around.

This is seriously one of the best things you can keep on your mind in all dealings with the opposite sex.
In my case, I think of it as "Am I benefiting this sister in Christ by her knowing me?" If I can't answer yes with good reason, then I'm doing something wrong.