Perverted Professor

[Swan7]

 

[Sevensong]

What you reported about the teacher was concerning indeed and I am glad you are finding some ways to work around this situation. It might help to get other students to work with you, if you can find some who are also very offended.

However, I see a more important concern here, suicidal feelings. I pray you will be given light and wisdom on that and protection from doing any such thing ever. I pray for your healing of whatever has made you feel so on the edge.

Thank you, LoricaLady. I know you're right, especially re: the suicidal feelings. I've just got so many things slamming me from all sides right now, plus horrible traumas from the past that were never really healed or processed. I've never even talked about them in full to anyone. I think my boundaries are not quite right or in tact because of this. I feel inflamed, i.e., extremely sensitive when it comes to negativity being directed at me. It also seems like the devil uses this, continually drawing evil and poisonous people to me. All of my roommates are treating me badly, and one of them even seems to be acting maliciously, turning lights off like I'm not even in the room or don't exist or don't matter. Like I'm not a person, which is how I was treated as a little girl, and which is highly triggering and makes me feel insane, and wild with anger and agony.

Even here on CF, I started a thread for support/advice, and someone started attacking out of the blue. I've been avoiding that thread ever since, because she even ignored my explicit and desperate requests that she leave me alone, even after I repeated that I was suicidal. It's a miracle that God has kept me from running away from this forum, as I tend to do in these situations. And I don't see how it could not be the devil at work in such people, considering the circumstances and my own background. I've seen people with horrible pasts often repeatedly targeted by similar people, too, so I know it's not just me. Which helps somewhat, but it's really sad and scary seeing this happen over and over to people who suffered hideous things as children, never got to heal, and then get repeatedly attacked in various ways throughout life. I've heard different people say different things about it, but a lot of pastors seem to agree that it's the devil's work in one way or another.

I'm rambling now, sorry, but I'm really disturbed and fighting agitation all night. I think the devil is trying to pull me out of God's peace. He's been trying to get me to go back to that thread and get all riled up about it, but I think it's not the right thing to do. I know I'm supposed to do my part to live in God's peace now, and persevere toward healing and the changes God has in store for me. Satan wants me to worry, distrust God, and get angry and agitated and terrified that I'm doomed and will never escape this pattern. But I know that's not the truth. That's not what God has told me. I'm trying to live in the truth. Only that can set me free, and continuing to fight and try to "argue" with Satan's lies is just a vicious circle that leads nowhere, only wears me out to no purpose, always leaving me much worse, torn up, and with my trust and faith in God in shreds.

I'm not going into that trap again.

It helped to write this out, even if no one reads it. I know I'm in a really desperate place right now, really close to the edge, and way too close to nightmarish memories of abuse of all kinds. There was also paganism in my childhood, and I was taught hideous lies, about being female, and all kinds of malicious lies. I know God is omnipotent, and I've even been baptized, but I've always had this fear that that stuff will somehow try to "follow" me. Or at least, that the devil will keep trying to use it, and he is trying.

This is why I really feel like I need Christian counseling, and I'm hoping I can find that at this new church. I can hardly wait for the Bible study on Thursday. That's another blessing: thankfully God is kindling in me a real hunger for his Word, and of course, that brings its own peace and satiation. It's amazing how powerful it is, especially when we pray the Scriptures.

 

[LoricaLady]

I see a bright light shining out of all you said. You still have faith. You still have a trust in the Father. I'm proud of you. Many, many people have been through far less and don't have a clue about Him. Oh, glancing over your post I see another bright light shining through. You have a hunger for the Word. Such people really do have a relationship with the Holy Spirit.

I agree that the devil is most likely behind your problems.

I am not a counselor but if you just want to ventilate sometimes, or get more prayers, I would be very happy for you to start a conversation with me.

 

[Sevensong]

I see a bright light shining out of all you said. You still have faith. You still have a trust in the Father. I'm proud of you. Many, many people have been through far less and don't have a clue about Him. Oh, glancing over your post I see another bright light shining through. You have a hunger for the Word. Such people really do have a relationship with the Holy Spirit.

I agree that the devil is most likely behind your problems.

I am not a counselor but if you just want to ventilate sometimes, or get more prayers, I would be very happy for you to start a conversation with me.

Thank you so much! Yes, I thank God for kindling this hunger for his Word in me recently. I'm trying to feed it so that it keeps growing.

I'll take you up on that offer if you don't mind. PMing you.

 

[Linus]

Praying for you and your school in the name of Jesus Christ. Thank You Lord!

 

[RyanC]

Sevensong:

I signed up for this form a few minutes ago just so I could comment on your story.

There is a problem here more significant than your professor's bad behavior. That issue is your suicidal thoughts. When a healthy, rational person is faced with overwhelming responsibilities, that person either (1) perseveres and pushes through or (2) steps away from some of the responsibility. If suicide ever seems like a viable third option, something is very wrong that needs to be addressed. Your life is more important than some English class, a grade, or even completing a PhD.

You mentioned that you've had emotional trauma. The fact that you offered that very private information to a group of strangers tells me that you're desperate to get some things off your chest. That's good. It's time for you to start healing those wounds so you can enjoy the rest of your life. Your struggle is not with the worldly things you're struggling with. Your struggle is inside. You need to focus on fixing you before you make any attempt to fix the world around you.

I see that you're Catholic. Hopefully, you have a priest or other church leader who you respect and trust in your church. Go see them today. Share as much as you are comfortable sharing and ask what resources they have to help you heal. A Christian counselor, therapist, psychologist, etc. could make a huge difference in the rest of your life.

Your happiness depends on it and maybe even your life. You are more important than any of the passing things you are worried about. I know that you understand that on an intellectual level. If you don't feel it in your heart, you must get help. You can be healthy and happy. It's a long process but it's possible.

If trying to get healthy seems pointless or helpless, that's your depression talking. That's the disease. It's awfully hard to overcome those thoughts and do something about it. But you must. God made you in his image and made you for a purpose. You are important, whether you feel important or not. Seek help today.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[Jesus' Follower]

I will be praying.

 

[Miracle in Balance]

Have you prayed for her spirit to come clean before the Lord? Consider that she may be doing this as an unconscious cry for help, and no one is picking up the cue. (The world can't/won't. It doesn't dare face spiritual realities.) Look at her from the eyes of Jesus, with compassion, not from a socially judgmental viewpoint and how it affects you. You just might be surprised by what may be there. It's not like she hasn't done this before, or you are her prime target. Step back a few paces and objectively assess the whole picture. Could she be a sexual victim, and doesn't know how to deal with the pain? Not everyone does. Perhaps that is why you may be identifying too closely? (Forest for the trees scenario.)

But you are right. It is quite bizarre for any public figure nowadays to constantly obsess over sexually explicit things with so many successful sexual harassment suits happening. (It's not like anyone would lack for witnesses against her either!) You might want to bring up these points in a caring friendly way to her in a private moment (or bring a silent witness/friend whom you have forewarned), of this professor possibly offending someone someday with her subject choices. She could some day be dragged into court and possibly lose all she has worked for at the college. Would she choose to play with her career by spinning that roulette wheel one too many times? People have injured others for far less reasons, you know. Sometimes just because they could...

Love covers a multitude of sins. Even yours. Even mine.

There is the possibility that she might think you are planning on hitting her with a sexual harassment suit. Assure her that you are not, but only time will show her that. Stress the fact that you are merely concerned for her professional reputation--as anyone should be--which could be permanently tarnished if she keeps flirting with this slippery slope, especially in today's litigation-loving society. Keep it all on a professional level, not emotionally responsive, and you just may be surprised by the outcome. Winning a soul for Christ is what should always be at the core of any human interaction, not our comfort.

Am praying for you--and her.