Perplexed

[Saricharity]

So, I've been blessed enough to have a bouncing 10 year old girl ( my little sister-in-law) placed in my life. I'm not so inexperienced that I don't know about children...I have lots of younger siblings because I come from a family of nine. Trouble is, I've never been responsible for any of them before and now I am. Little Rhiannon is a sweet, adorable little girl but is going through a trauma I cannot even fathom. She lost her mother suddenly in August. She is staying with us temporarily until her dad can get back on his feet. This wonderful man is struggling with 2 sons still at home and since Rhiannon is close to Justin (My husband,)it just felt natural for us to offer to take her.
This past week has been tough...I know Rhiannon is mourning as is Justin ...and we are trying to help her process everything but she is acting out something terrible. She has yelled at us, threw things at us, had temper tantrums and more. Friday she openly defied Justin and ran across the street nearly being hit by an oncoming car! He was beside himself when he brought her home and it took alot for me to talk him down.
I guess in wondering what is appropriate to do when it comes to discipline?
My heart breaks for her so I tend to be overly permissive, but somehow I feel she needs so much grace and love right now. I just haven't the heart to be firm with her. My way is gentle and talking kindly even when she shouts at me which is not easy. Suddenly, I feel a whole new appreciation for my parents.
My husband and I differ a bit on this...and he tends to be more firm and less emotional I guess, which upsets me. He says that we still need to set firm boundaries even if she's grieving. I don't think sending her to her room, essentially isolating her from us, or swatting her is appropriate. Right now she needs us to help her gain control because she has lost so much. Justin's dad, her dad, says she is just being a brat. I don't agree. Am I wrong?
Most couples start with a baby. Haha
Anyway....any thoughts?

 

[Dave-W]

I am grieving the loss of a mother also. It is one thing at 60+ years old. But at 10?

A close friend who has known my mom well since we were in 7th grade together officiated her funeral. And he sent me a booklet (2 now) part of a series of 4 that come every 3 months about going thru the various stages of loss and grief.

I would suggest you and your husband get a good book on grief and start reading it your selves and to her as seems appropriate. But remember, your husband is grieving also. And so is your FIL.

Understanding what is going on emotionally is always helpful.

 

[mkgal1]

He says that we still need to set firm boundaries even if she's grieving. I don't think sending her to her room, essentially isolating her from us, or swatting her is appropriate. Right now she needs us to help her gain control because she has lost so much. Justin's dad, her dad, says she is just being a brat. I don't agree. Am I wrong?

Your young sister-in-law has gone through childhood trauma. It may be helpful if you can find a specialist near you to help her vent her feelings. I agree with you (but am far from an expert)....I don't believe harshness and isolation is the answer - and definitely NOT swatting or spanking (but boundaries and rules are good). No....she's not being a "brat". Her world turned upside down, and she's lost her security. That's a lot to deal with for a ten year-old.

 

[mkgal1]

This wonderful man is struggling with 2 sons still at home and since Rhiannon is close to Justin (My husband,)it just felt natural for us to offer to take her.

Am I understanding this correctly? Her dad is caring for her brothers, but sent his daughter to live with you? I wonder if she's feeling rejected by her father? How often does she get to see her dad and brothers? I'm curious to know how old her brothers are as well?

 

[mkgal1]

One thing I've read is to avoid power struggles: Kids with trauma backgrounds are driven to get into power struggles because they are very desperate to feel some sense of power in the midst of a lot of feelings of powerlessness.

 

[mina]

Her world has been turned upside down and she is grieving . She probably doesn't know how to deal with it. She needs to be in some professional therapy and you and your husband probably need to talk to someone as well so you know how to respond in the most supportive way possible .

 

[mkgal1]

Saricharity ~ I think you have really good instincts about this.

 

[Saricharity]

Am I understanding this correctly? Her dad is caring for her brothers, but sent his daughter to live with you? I wonder if she's feeling rejected by her father? How often does she get to see her dad and brothers? I'm curious to know how old her brothers are as well?

Her brothers are 12 and 15. I wouldn't say he sent her to us...not directly. We took her home with us initially after her mother fell sick. It made things easier all the way around because she is too young to stay alone whereas the boys were old enough. It just happened that we agreed to keep her for the time being while her dad gains his equilibrium. I agree; it's not an ideal situation but we wanted to help. She facetime's with her father and brothers as often as possible. I do know she misses him, and it could very well be that she feels rejected, and for the lack of a better word, dumped.

We also have a brother staying with us who is 17 as well. Justin is good with them. I think it helps him having them with us.

Saricharity ~ I think you have really good instincts about this.

Thanks very much. I really appreciate that encouragement.

 

[mama2one]

a few times when our child was younger, we went outside to scream together which let off some of her steam, she didn't want to scream alone so did with her

link to a scream box one can make, too
we did time-ins when child younger, link below
helping cope with trauma, attach link

Scream Box: How to Make

ATTACh Resources Blog | attach.org

8 Keys to an Effective Time-In With Your Child | TAPESTRY

 

[turkle]

Children feel lost without firm boundaries but, especially when traumatized, will push against them for the illusion of power. If you've ever had a puppy, you know what I'm talking about... they will do all kinds of destructive things, and unless properly trained, will do more and more because they feel insecure. When you teach them what is acceptable and what is not, they feel secure. Permissiveness only makes the problem worse.

The same is true for this poor child. She doesn't have coping skills yet at her young age, and unleashes all the emotions she has in inappropriate ways. That is normal. But if you allow it to continue, she will feel more and more out of control.

She needs rules and boundaries, and consequences when she defies them. Don't yell, don't get mad. Instead, lovingly tell her that when she chose her behavior, she chose her consequence, which hopefully you spelled out in advance. That way it's on her. Through loving discipline, she will learn how to cope with her grief better.

I agree with the others that she also needs professional help. Grief is unbearable even for the most mature adult, and for a child it's worse. There are counselors who are specifically trained to help a traumatized child through their grief. She will learn skills and coping mechanisms that are helpful rather than destructive. She can also deal with her possible feelings of abandonment from her father.

It's wonderful that you stepped up to the plate to help your husband's family in this way. Please put the brakes on her out of control behavior quickly so that she feels secure and nurtured. There is no easy way to do this, but a good counselor will be invaluable to help her move forward. My condolences to you all.