A brief telling of my spiritual pilgrimage:
One side of my family is traditionally United Methodist. I was baptized United Methodist and went to a UM church for a total of 4 years (which I remember loving, but only because of the people who were there). It ended up going a "progressive" route, and a lot of people left the church... We ended up at a "non-denominational" (yet essentially Nazarene) place for about 4 1/2 years until the membership got so small it disintegrated. During these years, I was first introduced to faith as a child... I was baptized (again) and came to an understanding of the basics (Jesus is Lord, Jesus died for your sins, Jesus rose again, etc. etc.). The truth is - I was happy with my child-like faith, with my simple trust in God and Jesus.
But then, life got complicated...
I was sent to a small private Lutheran school (of the Missouri Synod variety). I was there for 6 years. As it turned out, the pastor of the Lutheran church also helped out in the school... also, as it turned out, he was a pedophile and *liked* all of us children in a not-good-way. From that perspective, it was a miserable 6 years. Especially since a lot of the kids knew I was queer, so I always got to be the scapegoat and always got the crap beat out of me. Yep, 6 years of abuse. Now this is the point where one may expect me to go off on about how much I hate Lutheranism, or conservative Christianity, or whatever... But the truth was, I really latched onto the Lutheran faith. It was taught more than anything else, and I really began to form my faith identity in Lutheran terms. I think I did this because it was a constant for 6 years while everything else was going chaotic...
Including our search for a new church. After the non-denominational place withered, we were "seekers" for several years. We visited at almost everywhere trying to find the perfect place. Meanwhile, I had to see my father over summers (since my parents divorced). At that time, my father and my step mom were alcoholics... so, every summer from 1988 to 1992, I spent it being abused and being dumped on for being a Christian since it was a very secular/ anti-Christian environment (in this sense, I kinda get what 'conservatives' are saying when they complain about how 'the world' treats them... its true!).
Eventually we ended up at a Presbyterian Church - and actually stayed there for over a year. We blended in with the minority there who were traditionalist/conservative and still holding onto their Calvinist roots. At this point, I really did begin to believe in double Predestination. I had already learned single Predestination from being Lutheran... at this point, I really did begin to believe in double Predestination and think in those terms... and to realize that all of the bad crap that had happened to me (and was still happening to me) was pre-ordained. It was my lot. Maybe it was to punish me for being a bad person, or for being queer (even though I had not even gone through puberty yet... nor had I even thought of dating someone). But, in any case, I knew I deserved it all and I did not have a chance, my life on earth was destined to suck and be filled with abuse... and then I would probably die some horrible painful death and wake up in hell. I came to sincerely believe that I was _not_ one of the Elect and I began living accordingly. I did what I wanted - but I also hated myself. I abused myself, cut myself, made myself bleed and used either overeating or undereating as a way to torture myself even more.
Meanwhile...
After leaving the Lutheran school, I went to another small Christian school briefly before entering the public school system.
A large group of people (around 500) left the Presbyterian Church (PCUSA) after our minister preached a sermon about how his Calvinism had matured and he 'now realized that everyone is God's elect'... This happened right when many at the church were becoming uppity about being pro-Choice and praising the election of Bill Clinton. After holding a pro-Life march and claiming that the Presbyterian church was "inappropriate contentographic", this group left... And I felt split over it, like I was two people - like one of me really wanted to stay and try again to believe that God could have chosen me... and the other me mechanically upheld all the "right" beliefs and was a good member of the family (even if, by doing so, I also had to regulate myself to damnation).
Then, while visiting my father's house in the Summer of 1993, things were really abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, spiritually and yes, sexually)... to the point where after being consistently and constantly abused for so many years and in all the ways possible... I finally had a minor mental breakdown at age 12 and found myself in "Christian counseling" and in therapy for awhile. My step-mom had introduced me to alcohol at age 9, so that was going on as well.
At first we were going to go along with the "new" group who was starting their own Evangelical Presbyterian Church. However, my family blamed both the public school system, my Christian rock/metal collection and "liberal religion" for my problems (including the fact that by this point *most* people were beginning to suspect that I was "queer"). So, they became reactionary on all points, for the several years...
Instead we went to this crazy rapture-ready Charismatic/Pentecostal Church for the next 4 years. They were so conservative they believed the Assemblies of God to be a liberal blasphemy before God. I hated it and, in many ways, found it to be abusive. I used to beg and plead to go elsewhere, anywhere else for church, but to no avail... my family and my church joined together and ganged up on me and my Christian rock/metal collection. They said any music with a beat was straight from The Devil. I kept trying to say that having extreme Christian music had been the only thing that had carried me through years of abuse while still retaining sanity. In the winter of 1995, they made a great big bonfire and burned it all while also trying to perform an exorcism on me, to make Satan leave my soul. After losing nearly 2000 albums, I felt crushed. I had been listening to many of them non-stop since the end of the '80's as a coping mechanism. But now, as I look back, I also realize that in many ways I used them to relive my own abuse and as a means of self-abuse. Even though it took me a long time to recover from such cruelty, they may have done me a favor. I had to begin my music collection all over again... and this time, I didn't try to keep by the rules. I openly rebelled. People said my music was from Satan so I would give them music from Satan. I got heavily into the Gothic music scene and began identifying as a Goth. I was hardcore into the Gothic lifestyle all the way through high school (1995-1999) and all the way through college (1999-2003).
As another way to "fix" me, I was sent to a Catholic boarding school for high school. Even though we were not Catholic (in fact, my family believes Catholics go to hell, even people like Mother Theresa), Catholic school seemed to be the only option for high school in my area that would promote things like discipline, correct gender behavior, etc. Good in theory, but the ha-ha of it was that it was progressive Catholic school in the Jesuit tradition and was really what I would consider a "Vatican-III" environment. At first, I still really thought that they were wrong... but, as the years went on, I began to see what they were saying (even if I did not agree). At the very least, I learned an appreciation and tolerance for Christian diversity. My senior year we read Bishop Spong's "Why Christianity Must Change Or Die"... LOL.
After the Charismatic place got really wacked, we found our way to the Evangelical Presbyterian place for the last couple of years before I left for college. It was "ok" but I never really fit in by that point.
One side of my family is traditionally United Methodist. I was baptized United Methodist and went to a UM church for a total of 4 years (which I remember loving, but only because of the people who were there). It ended up going a "progressive" route, and a lot of people left the church... We ended up at a "non-denominational" (yet essentially Nazarene) place for about 4 1/2 years until the membership got so small it disintegrated. During these years, I was first introduced to faith as a child... I was baptized (again) and came to an understanding of the basics (Jesus is Lord, Jesus died for your sins, Jesus rose again, etc. etc.). The truth is - I was happy with my child-like faith, with my simple trust in God and Jesus.
But then, life got complicated...
I was sent to a small private Lutheran school (of the Missouri Synod variety). I was there for 6 years. As it turned out, the pastor of the Lutheran church also helped out in the school... also, as it turned out, he was a pedophile and *liked* all of us children in a not-good-way. From that perspective, it was a miserable 6 years. Especially since a lot of the kids knew I was queer, so I always got to be the scapegoat and always got the crap beat out of me. Yep, 6 years of abuse. Now this is the point where one may expect me to go off on about how much I hate Lutheranism, or conservative Christianity, or whatever... But the truth was, I really latched onto the Lutheran faith. It was taught more than anything else, and I really began to form my faith identity in Lutheran terms. I think I did this because it was a constant for 6 years while everything else was going chaotic...
Including our search for a new church. After the non-denominational place withered, we were "seekers" for several years. We visited at almost everywhere trying to find the perfect place. Meanwhile, I had to see my father over summers (since my parents divorced). At that time, my father and my step mom were alcoholics... so, every summer from 1988 to 1992, I spent it being abused and being dumped on for being a Christian since it was a very secular/ anti-Christian environment (in this sense, I kinda get what 'conservatives' are saying when they complain about how 'the world' treats them... its true!).
Eventually we ended up at a Presbyterian Church - and actually stayed there for over a year. We blended in with the minority there who were traditionalist/conservative and still holding onto their Calvinist roots. At this point, I really did begin to believe in double Predestination. I had already learned single Predestination from being Lutheran... at this point, I really did begin to believe in double Predestination and think in those terms... and to realize that all of the bad crap that had happened to me (and was still happening to me) was pre-ordained. It was my lot. Maybe it was to punish me for being a bad person, or for being queer (even though I had not even gone through puberty yet... nor had I even thought of dating someone). But, in any case, I knew I deserved it all and I did not have a chance, my life on earth was destined to suck and be filled with abuse... and then I would probably die some horrible painful death and wake up in hell. I came to sincerely believe that I was _not_ one of the Elect and I began living accordingly. I did what I wanted - but I also hated myself. I abused myself, cut myself, made myself bleed and used either overeating or undereating as a way to torture myself even more.
Meanwhile...
After leaving the Lutheran school, I went to another small Christian school briefly before entering the public school system.
A large group of people (around 500) left the Presbyterian Church (PCUSA) after our minister preached a sermon about how his Calvinism had matured and he 'now realized that everyone is God's elect'... This happened right when many at the church were becoming uppity about being pro-Choice and praising the election of Bill Clinton. After holding a pro-Life march and claiming that the Presbyterian church was "inappropriate contentographic", this group left... And I felt split over it, like I was two people - like one of me really wanted to stay and try again to believe that God could have chosen me... and the other me mechanically upheld all the "right" beliefs and was a good member of the family (even if, by doing so, I also had to regulate myself to damnation).
Then, while visiting my father's house in the Summer of 1993, things were really abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, spiritually and yes, sexually)... to the point where after being consistently and constantly abused for so many years and in all the ways possible... I finally had a minor mental breakdown at age 12 and found myself in "Christian counseling" and in therapy for awhile. My step-mom had introduced me to alcohol at age 9, so that was going on as well.
At first we were going to go along with the "new" group who was starting their own Evangelical Presbyterian Church. However, my family blamed both the public school system, my Christian rock/metal collection and "liberal religion" for my problems (including the fact that by this point *most* people were beginning to suspect that I was "queer"). So, they became reactionary on all points, for the several years...
Instead we went to this crazy rapture-ready Charismatic/Pentecostal Church for the next 4 years. They were so conservative they believed the Assemblies of God to be a liberal blasphemy before God. I hated it and, in many ways, found it to be abusive. I used to beg and plead to go elsewhere, anywhere else for church, but to no avail... my family and my church joined together and ganged up on me and my Christian rock/metal collection. They said any music with a beat was straight from The Devil. I kept trying to say that having extreme Christian music had been the only thing that had carried me through years of abuse while still retaining sanity. In the winter of 1995, they made a great big bonfire and burned it all while also trying to perform an exorcism on me, to make Satan leave my soul. After losing nearly 2000 albums, I felt crushed. I had been listening to many of them non-stop since the end of the '80's as a coping mechanism. But now, as I look back, I also realize that in many ways I used them to relive my own abuse and as a means of self-abuse. Even though it took me a long time to recover from such cruelty, they may have done me a favor. I had to begin my music collection all over again... and this time, I didn't try to keep by the rules. I openly rebelled. People said my music was from Satan so I would give them music from Satan. I got heavily into the Gothic music scene and began identifying as a Goth. I was hardcore into the Gothic lifestyle all the way through high school (1995-1999) and all the way through college (1999-2003).
As another way to "fix" me, I was sent to a Catholic boarding school for high school. Even though we were not Catholic (in fact, my family believes Catholics go to hell, even people like Mother Theresa), Catholic school seemed to be the only option for high school in my area that would promote things like discipline, correct gender behavior, etc. Good in theory, but the ha-ha of it was that it was progressive Catholic school in the Jesuit tradition and was really what I would consider a "Vatican-III" environment. At first, I still really thought that they were wrong... but, as the years went on, I began to see what they were saying (even if I did not agree). At the very least, I learned an appreciation and tolerance for Christian diversity. My senior year we read Bishop Spong's "Why Christianity Must Change Or Die"... LOL.
After the Charismatic place got really wacked, we found our way to the Evangelical Presbyterian place for the last couple of years before I left for college. It was "ok" but I never really fit in by that point.
