Pastor has multiple affairs

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm not sure how to feel about this, although I am sure there are a couple of members here that will tell me exactly how I should feel.

I wasn't going to go to church this Sunday, but I knew I was just being lazy about getting back into the routine of things and so I got up and went.
As soon as I walked in I could "feel" something was up. I wasn't sure what it was until after worship. One of the board of directors got up and with a shaky voice started to speak. He said they had found out that our Pastor had had an affair. Then he said they received more information that it was multiple affairs. They requested and received the Pastor's resignation and said that they are walking along side him and his family thru this and that we should respect their privacy.
So it looks like we don't have a Pastor now. I am shocked, first of all.
I really don't know how to "feel" about it. I definitely think he should have resigned. I have alot of questions. How did they find out if it wasn't from the Pastor and it sounded like it wasn't because after they received the information they confronted him (they said) and he confessed. Also if the Pastor didn't tell them, what was the Pastor thinking would happen? Did he think he could keep the secret forever? just curious on that one.
Why didn't the Pastor have to confront the congregation? Why did the Elders tell us? Shouldn't he have had to stand before us, (like our Senators regularly do or like Tiger Woods) and tell us himself?

I am a firm believer that our Pastor is forgiven and God is not surprised by his actions. He is a sinner just like us, and needs mercy and grace just like we do. I also think that if you are going to be in a position of leadership that you are held to a higher standing and if you are still committing known habitual sin, you should not be a leader. I don't believe that that makes you unsaved, just not fit for leadership.
So I struggle. I have not been attending for very long. I don't feel like leaving over this, but at my other church there are two Pastors and one is the lead Pastor so if something happened, the other one would be in charge at least temporarily, but at this church, I guess I don't know if they even have an assistant Pastor and what they plan to do to go forward.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I've been through a couple of times that my congregation has been without a pastor-- because the previous pastor accepted a position with a different congregation-- and the usual procedure is that the deacons take the responsibilities for the congregation until a new pastor is selected. You'll be without a pastor for a while until the new one gets voted in by the congregation if it works in your church like it does in mine, but the deacons should be able to handle pastoral duties OK in the meantime.

About the issue that brought down your pastor-- as long as we have human beings doing this job these things happen. I could wish they did not, but we all know they do and when they do the thing is for the church board to handle the issue according to scripture. It looks like your church's board is handling the affair OK.

 

[dayhiker]

So sorry to hear this Michelle.

My understanding is that this is very close to the model of how churches handle these situations. I suspect the elders would have liked the pastor to stand up and confess himself, but he wasn't willing and can't be forced to.

I think questions are limited and information is limited so that it doesn't become a gossip thing.

They walking thru this with your pastor and his family sounds like a path of rehabilitation that may or may not lead to his being bale to minister again.

I would encourage the people in the church who regularly talked with the pastor and his family to continue to visit and take with him. That's one thing that I feel is missing in some of the situations I've seen. There is a tendency for friends to distance themselves and I don't think that is good. I think its important for Christian friends to continue to be friends.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I've been through a couple of times that my congregation has been without a pastor-- because the previous pastor accepted a position with a different congregation-- and the usual procedure is that the deacons take the responsibilities for the congregation until a new pastor is selected. You'll be without a pastor for a while until the new one gets voted in by the congregation if it works in your church like it does in mine, but the deacons should be able to handle pastoral duties OK in the meantime.

About the issue that brought down your pastor-- as long as we have human beings doing this job these things happen. I could wish they did not, but we all know they do and when they do the thing is for the church board to handle the issue according to scripture. It looks like your church's board is handling the affair OK.

Thanks...yeah I know fallible man..... I get that part. I forgive him already. I know I am a sinner saved by grace, and I know God loves us ALL so that part doesn't seem hard for me. It is still shocking that it was not affair as in singular, but affair(s) as in multiple! I'm not really "worried" about not having a Pastor ATM, so much as I'm trying to figure out how our church can glorify God in this situation. I mean if we kick out everyone that sins, there would be no congregation. I know we are not "kicking them out" of the church as much as just having them step down from leadership. I'm just not sure what will happen down the road. And why did we have to find out this way? Now I wonder how long this has been going on, these affairs?

 

[blackribbon]

I don't know what to say...but what would you hope to accomplish by having him stand in front of the church? He is already shamed. They may have done it this way to avoid further drama or to protect the family members of all the families involved who quite likely are members of that very church.

Even if he was repentant, if the other involved parties are part of the church, it would be unwise to leave him in any roll of leadership over them. It also gets down to, who do you stand behind? You can't support the women and him and their families all at the same time. Someone needs to remove themselves and for his families' sake, they need to be where the rest of the family is constantly subjected to whispers and "well meaning" people with no filters.

 

[Willie T]

Do you love him and his family? Simply go show it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well I don't think it would accomplish much, probably not anything but he is the one that did the deed(s) and he WAS the Pastor of the church. Just like when our previous President did not have that affair with that woman he had to speak about it. I think if you are in a position of leadership you should man up and confess yourself. He got the easy way out IMO. BUT I forgive him and I certainly wish it didn't happen and I just feel a little lost right now. I do not want to go back to my old church even though I could, and I do not want to try to find another church and I'm just not sure what will happen with our church. They are going to stay a church and we will for sure someday get a new Pastor but I mean I wonder how that will change the dynamics of the church ya know?

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I'm sorry that happened. I agree with blackribbon, little good will come of him confessing in front of the church. These things - removing a leader - are best done quickly and without drama. I don't know if it involved any women in the church. It just occurred to me that any women who now leave the church will be speculated about - "I noticed so-and-so stopped going to church - very interesting timing" - you know, that sort of thing. It is not unheard of for people who haven't been involved in anything wrong to become collateral damage.

Is this a non-denominational church - I don't want to know what church it is - I do think this shows the weakness of churches that are founded by the pastor and there is no structure like a denomination, so it is "Pastor X's church" and if he has to leave suddenly it is a huge crisis and finding his replacement could take a long time. Of course, someone having to leave for such a reason would be a crisis anyways.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, all churches dynamics change over time, this is just a little quicker than would have happened over a normal course of time.

 

[dayhiker]

People will leave the church anyways because of what happened, so if the lady was in the church then I think it would just be speculations that she was the one he was having an affair with.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yes Dr. it's non-denominational, but they have a board of directors so it's not like it's the Pastor's church. He has people to answer to and those are the people that delivered the message this weekend.

And it's a big church so unless someone knew a specific person that recently left I don't think there will be much speculation. I DO think the women were women in our church though. The board said they were offering the same help including counseling to the women that wanted it. I don't know if that means they know who they all are or if they are just making a broad statement.

thanks dayhiker, your comment made me laugh because it is true. I guess I'm still a little bitter over my Pastor of my other church before the one I just left. That Pastor did leave our church to go to a bigger better church on the other side of town and to this day, it still grates on me. He left us...we were not good enough for him....he is a man and I have forgiven him, but the pain of not having that church and how it has changed so many lives because we are now all split up, is still there.

And then when you feel a little lost and alone and then something like this happens, it's kind of confirmation that YES you are alone. Gone are the days when I could ask my pastor a question or call if there was an emergency situation. At least that is how I feel. I know God is with me and I can "Lean on Jesus". I do that daily, but it helps to have others that can walk this life with you. I don't have many of those.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

It is sad that someone you thought you could count on for spiritual advice and leadership turns out to not be trustworthy. Whoever is the new pastor will have to establish himself as extra trustworthy and that is a burden.

 

[dayhiker]

I'm in a big church now. While I know the pastor and he knows something of me, I don't plan to go talk with him about my thoughts. There are a couple of bothers in the church that I knew pretty well. Its them that I would go talk two first. Then if they thought I should talk to the pastor I'd probably ask them to go talk with the pastor with me.

That's what I'd recommend everyone in a large church do is find someone to befriend someone with who they can talk with regularly either after church or in a small group setting. I usually feel I'm taking time away from a man who is way too busy so I go out of my way to find other ways of getting what I need.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well I don't have a "need" to go talk to the Pastor. What I was referring to was my previous previous church. It was about 200 people and we were like a big family. It was a whole different dynamic and I miss that. The previous church and my current church are both large churches and I do agree with you dayhiker about finding someone inside the church. I guess it was better when I was in a small group. Not in one now.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, there is something special about a church where everyone knows everyone. That's the type I've been in most of my life. I got invited to preach in those type of churches. Not in a BIG one! But there was still change in those churches over time it was amazing how many people came and went. Tho there was that group that went of core people that seemed to have been there for ever!

 

[dayhiker]

here is a write up about the incident.

Arizona Megachurch Pastor Resigns After Confessing to Alleged Affairs

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

What always amazes me is men who blatantly do wrong and they evidently think they are so smart that they will never get caught. I am just trying to imagine all of the risks and lies someone has to manage to cover up multiple affairs. But he thought he was so smart he could get away with it. I have to ask the jaded question: is this the "self confidence" that some women find so attractive in a man?

 

[dayhiker]

That is probably part of is Doc.
An other aspect is that some women are attracted to a guy in power. A pastor of a 5500 member church has some power even if he always has the boards approval.

Also even if he knows intellectually that he wouldn't get away with it, the pleasure of being with a woman who wants him and isn't asking anything of him is pretty tempting.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

eek! dayhiker where did you come across this article?

and Dr. I have similar questions and the fact that it was MULTIPLE just aggrevates the circumstances. Did he seriously think that God was unaware? Or that he would never get caught? Even if he never got caught GOD KNOWS so when he meets his maker what would he think would happen? He's like the Tiger Woods of the church or something. And now all the people that are hurting because of it and mainly his WIFE! I can't wrap my brain around it.

I have to tell you Doc that the older I get the more cynical I get and if I were to meet someone I would not just trust what they say or how they act. I watch too many shows like "who the bleep did I marry?" to take someone at their word as sad as that sounds. But people are good at fooling others and if the guy is a high roller, I want to make sure he is not just trying to impress and really broke behind the scenes.

I just don't understand Pastors that cheat, because they of all people should know that God is watching and they are held to a higher standard, by God and by the people. And for the women, IDK, because I wouldn't even want to be with a Pastor, married or not.

 

[RobertMerton]

Maybe he had enough and wanted to get caught?