Parents invading relationship

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

His parents tend to be controling and hardly let me see him.
My parents drive me crazy! They want me to talk to them, but then they go and either tell me I'm blowing things out of proportion, or that it's no big deal, or how I should do something, down to what I do or don't say to my bf. It drives me nuts! I don't think they should be telling me what to say when they really don't know the whole situation. I'm sure they're just trying to help, but I want to live my own life.

 

[f U z ! o N]

ouch tell them to let you live your life and let you make decisions. tell them to leave you alone!

 

[vibrant]

nevertheless, they're his parents and should be respected

 

[Chajara]

You don't have much of a choice other than to respect his parents, but yours can be tactfully ignored. My mother thinks she knows everything about relationships, when in fact she doesn't. So I don't usually listen to a thing she tells me to do.

Just keep in mind that to learn how relationships work, you have to experience them and make mistakes. It takes patience and in a lot of cases heartbreak, so just try not to get discouraged if it seems like you're not doing it right. You'll learn.

 

[bliz]

Can you be more specific about how they are invading your life?

 

[FaithfulServant]

Respect your parents. If they are doing something that bothers you, tell them. They're not mind readers

You're 18 so you could move out of the house and officially begin 'adult life' here soon. When you're not living under their roof, things change a lot. At least thats what happened in my case

 

[lunalinda]

Yeah I agree with the previous poster. I'm 23 and still live in my parents' roof, hence having to still abide by rules, no matter how stupid and ridiculous they are. Unfortunately, they also think that gives them a right to pry into love lives and they ought to know everything you're thinking. Not really fair, I know. They'll seem to wallow in this parental "big-headedness" until you're just out of the house. And you know you WANT and INTEND to respect their wishes, but it becomes more difficult to do when all they throw out into the air is what THEY want at the expense of your, their daughter's, feelings on the matter. And to me, that only encourages rebellion.

It happened to my sister so I was witness of this sort of thing. They continually pried and pried and pried into her relationships, smothering her with their wishes, and that only more repelled her away from them, making her desire nothing more than to prove them wrong, no matter how right they might have been. Things went to the extreme. She moved out to live her then boyfriend because, not just because of stupid rules, but also because she felt she wasn't being heard. For many months she lived with him. Long story short, she eventually came back to her senses, getting closer to God, moved back home, and told him (bf of nearly 2 years) to get lost.

Moral of the story? Well I can't say for sure. Am I suggesting that you're going to become rebellious and do whatever you want just like my sister? Nope. Am I suggesting that parental smothering can be damaging? Yes. I strongly suggest that you encourage your parents to at least hear you out...discuss the matter. There's nothing to be done about your bf's parents, but you can still work with yours. When a parent starts getting too used to the idea of always being in control without letting you have freedom to make your own decisions (and even mistakes), then that'll work against the kid, I think. I'm just like my sister I just mentioned, only I don't go to the extremes as she did. I can, however, feel very smothered by their viewpoints always taking first seat over mine, and hence, never want to talk about much with them. I too would only be led to WANT to prove them wrong, if they persistently insist that they're always gonna be right.

That's why I always STRONGLY suggest to them to keep their opinions (mainly the negative ones) to themselves about any guy I'd have unless I ask for it, because if they're gonna insist on bashing a guy without knowing the entire situation, it'll only make me want to defend him, and hence, rebel. I experienced that first-hand in my last relationship; they'd bash and bash because they didn't know all the facts, which is understandable, but then that bashing makes me want to overly defend him when even I don't even want to. So it gets quite messy the more they want to intrude. A little bit is okay, but not so much to drown you so much that you won't even find comfort in sharing things with them. That's not rebellion to the extreme, of course, but it certainly has smidgens of rebellion. It makes me want to "hide" matters from them because they'll always have their own opinions that simply have no more power to shape or mold my own. I'm already an adult and am not easily influenced. There comes a time when parents just HAVE to learn to let go and let their child be an adult and make mistakes and learn and grow, etc. Some parents can grasp that and some can't.

Unfortunately, the best way for that to be grasped is to just be out of the house, which is more likely why my sister wanted out for that time period. She needed to breathe. so yeah, do forgive the length of this post, but I hope I made some kind of point. Just have a nice, sincere talk with them. You may have to do it more than once or even a hundred times, but eventually, it should chip away at them and remind them that you're not a little girl anymore. Best wishes to ya and hopefully it'll work out for the best.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

ok, basically they'll tell me when to and not to be mad at my bf. They said for me not to be upset when he decided to change the day of our date w/o talking to me, and work instead. Then the day the date was supposed to be switched to he had to go do something at the college or something. Then I had to work that night, and he knew it. So all I got to see him that day was for the 20 min or so he stopped by my job. Talk about a top rate date! Oh well. I shouldn't get upset about that at all though?

Also when a friend was depressed. I didn't tell them the whole story, but told them enough. They would ask how he was, I'd tell them, and then basically blow it off as nothing.

I was in the hospital a couple years ago, and my mom had no idea how tramatized I was by that. So when I was in any place like a hospital, and complained she would tell me to just deal w/ it

I was also in a car accident. I tend to take things hard. My bf and my dad were more understanding. My bf was the most because I was w/ him when the accident happened.But my mom thought I should come home that night perfectly normal when in reality I was a total emotional wreck.

I've heard my mom say that young adults see things as important, but the stuff they worry about really isn't that big of a deal when they get older. Some things that's true, but she basically made it sound like nothing I thought was important, was. I think that's what hurt the most. I'll still talk to my dad.

Ok, so it's more my mom than my dad. But still my dad does tell me what to say and what not to say to my bf. He at least makes things that are important to me seem important to him to.

 

[bliz]

It sounds a bit like a good deal of what drives you crazy is your Mom reacting to things going on in your life, that she only knows about, becasue you tell her about them.

Don't tell her so much. If you need to talk about the details, talk with your Dad. I'm saying this as a parent. Sometimes it's best to talk to one parent or the other about some things - it is a nice feature of having two parents!

 

[f U z ! o N]

parents should never tell you what to say and what not to say to your boyfriend/girlfriend unless you ask them

 

[FaithfulServant]

I agree with the above poster...if you don't TELL people so much then they won't have anything to give you advice about.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

The problem is she doesn't know when to stop pushing, when I don't want to talk. She'll just keep pushing until I tell her. I know I wouldn't have to but sometimes it's the only way to get her to stop. If I flat out told her to "leave me alone" she would be hurt.

 

[bliz]

The problem is she doesn't know when to stop pushing, when I don't want to talk. She'll just keep pushing until I tell her. I know I wouldn't have to but sometimes it's the only way to get her to stop. If I flat out told her to "leave me alone" she would be hurt.

Why is she asking?

Becasue she does not trust you?
Becasue she is curious?
Becasue she is trying to live her life through you?

Is she trying to control you, or is she trying to be helpful? Does your Mom have friends of her own? When she offers advice, is it Mom to daughter advice, or girl to girl advice?

I don't expect you to be able to answer all of these questions at once - but think about them. Until you know why someone is doing something, it's very hard to get them to stop doing it. And while you are at it, why do you keep caving when you know what the outcome will be?

Sometimes Moms of young adult daughters get waaaaaay too involved in their daughters lives, some in an attempt to make their daughter's lives turn out as well as theirs did, or they think their's did, or to make sure their daughter's life turnes out better. Some are enjoying reliving, vicarously, young romance that may have faded in their own relationships.

What would happen if, when Mom offers adivce, you said "I'll have to think about that." ? Or, something like "Mom, I appreciate your advice, but this is a decision I have to make for myself."

Sounds like to need to work on your relationship with your Mom. Decide what things you will gladly share with her and talk about with her and spend some time doing those things. She may just be looking for anyway to remain involved in your life as you are starting out on a new one of your own.

 

[ForeverAFlame]

Wow. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I'm soon to be 18, but not quit there yet, but my mom is VERY controling, and me and my dad have a very bad relationship. I never talk to my dad, b/c I can't. My mom just tells me what I have to do. Key word there is "HAVE." When she says something, it goes as far as she is concerned. Is that right, or is it wrong? I had the worst time with her when I was 13-16. All we did was fight and disagree. I was trying to make my life with God grow, and trying not to rebel, but it felt like she was pushing me out the door! Some times it still does, but one day while I was crying out to God about this issue He rbought up the commandment that says "Honor thy Father and thy Mother" Most peopl in our situation don't want to hear that, but hear me out, please.
God never put a time limit on that commandment, so just b/c you move out....? Me and my mom got in this huge fight over how she treated her mom. I told her that it was the same as me treating her that way, and how would she feel? She didn't agree. SO I asked her what she would do if she told me to help her move something and I said no. (I'm moved out and have three kids and I'm 40) She said she'd bend me over and spank me. I said ok then, you need to go to grandma's and have her spank you b/c you've been a bad lil girl.
What's the point of all this? Well, after this convo with my mom, I got grounded, but she also began to listen to that lil voice that sometimes whispers in her ear "back off a tad." She even began to treat her mom with more respect.
Talk to your mom, and ask her how she would feel if her mom was constanly down her throat about everything. Tell her that she makes you feel inadequate and like everything you do is going to be a mistake. She is training you to not trust yourself, and to second guess everything you do. BAD THING. When you move out, and have to make your own choices you need to be able to be 100% sure. Does she not want you to be? Talk to her about it! It may take some time for her to listen, but in the in between time, do your best to respect her. Parents only listen when you talk to them respectfuly, so if you come at her with all that accusing, and screaming, or being sarcastic, then you may as well sit down and shut up b/c they aren't listening.
I know where you are at, and believe me when I say I'm praying for you! Do your best to respect and honor them. It will pay off I promise.

 

[ForeverAFlame]

Oh yea, and your mom may not be in the right with everything that she does, and how she treats you, but do you want to stand before God in her same shoes? The bible says that all sin is the same in God's eyes. Your mom will answer for her wrong, but so will you. Be careful not to let satan cause you to fall, and remember : He will use ANYONE he can to get you to fall!