Parents and Weddings

[Manda_24]

I've been engaged for 4 days and I'm already having to deal with drama. I guess it's not really that bad yet but it's just not something I really want to deal with.

Anyway, maybe some one can help. Dan and I have talked and neither of us want a long engagement, we'd elope now if our parents wouldn't have a fit and if I didn't have school stuff to work on right now. I was talking to my mom and she's all about us waiting until next summer. Part of it is she thinks I should finish school first (I'm most likely finishing in December) the other part is I think that she doesn't think I can get everything done, I haven't talked to her for a few days but she emailed my aunt and the subject came up, my aunt is on my side.

Anyone else have to deal with something similar or have any advice. I know it's really my choice, I'm an adult and they really can't make me do something I don't want but I also don't want people to be bitter during the whole wedding process. I'm already dealing with stuff with my landlord, Dan has a house and I just signed my lease, Dan hinted at me that I shouldn't sign it yet it but I didn't catch on, any bigger hints and I would have known he was going to propose. I really hope everything else goes smoother than this or we just may elope.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Honest truth: I wanted to elope, but we had a wedding "for the family" and it ended up in a gong show because of family drama.

If I had it to re-do? I WOULD ELOPE! Actually because of the drama we ended up calling in a JP and getting married a month and a half before the wedding, just so we could be at peace.. so we semi-eloped, but still had the wedding. I should have just canceled the wedding though, honestly, we didn't need it. We didn't even want it, it was just for them.. it wasn't worth it, not at all.

If you want to elope, just.. do it Or if you want to get married in August, just do it.

Get married when you want. Do what you want. It's your wedding, your marriage, your life. Otherwise you will regret it. If you don't do what you want with your wedding, it has the potential to just be a hassle instead of a joy.

Take your money and go somewhere and elope. DH and I agree if we had it to do over again, we'd forgo spending money on a wedding and just.. go take a cruise or something

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Yay for reply being deleted by page reloading! Lets try this again...

I personally loved having a wedding. It was awesome... awesomely expensive, but totally worth it in my opinion. I would totally do it again. Yes, it's for the family and friends, but we had a great time and it was a lot of fun and you really don't need to spend $10,000 or go into a 15 year debt over it. The only thing I really would have changed was the photographer. It was highway robbery what they charged us, but they did fantastic work.

A few things you have against you though if you're thinking about a quick wedding. For one, most people book services such as photographers, halls, DJs, etc sometimes more than a year and a half in advance, so if you don't start soon, chances are you will have a very limited selection of services to choose from, usually the bottom of the barrel services that no one wants or the highly expensive, top of the line picture clickers that no one else wants to pay for. Second, people have to know in advance so they can schedule it. Especially family who live out of state. Short notice doesn't work when people need to ask for days off work to travel.

Also, your mother has a point about the school thing. Had you 3 years left, I would have agreed with her, but you're graduating in December makes things so much easier.

If you're both sure about this summer, then sit your mom down and explain why and involve her as much as possible. The more she feels useful in the process, the more she will probably be happy about the decision you are making if you work with her.

 

[Manda_24]

Thanks for your responses, I just needed to hear that I'm not really being unreasonable and irresponsible.

We're not too worried about location and stuff like that, we're just having a small wedding with a reception at the church, the 14th is open right now so as long as we get on the calendar soon we should be set. I'm a little worried about the photographer but that's about it. If worst comes to worst I can do the flowers myself, I've taken a couple flower arranging classes and feel comfortable doing that stuff. I don't want anything too fancy, just a small simple wedding to celebrate with family and friends.

We've sat down and looked at things financially and we can do it, even if we live at his place which is a little more expensive than mine. I work right now while taking classes so school isn't a huge deal to me. I think if I sit my mom down and explain this to her, how we've talked through these potential problems, she may be a little more open to the idea.

 

[Luther073082]

You'll have to get used to it Manda, my mom spent about the first 8 months of our 13 month engagement trying to hijack or otherwise take over our wedding. She was critical of every decision we made and in general never seemed happy about any idea unless it was her idea.

For the most part she's calmed down quite a bit although she's still letting things stress her. (I don't know why because she's getting stressed about things that she's not even involved in)

 

[latteda]

There will always be some drama with parents. That's part of the engagement package. Woo hoo! Just accept the reality that it will be an issue somewhere.

If you do elope, there will still be drama.

I think you should do it earlier like you want to. Have you tried explaining to your mom the reasons you want to get married sooner?

 

[Manda_24]

There will always be some drama with parents. That's part of the engagement package. Woo hoo! Just accept the reality that it will be an issue somewhere.

If you do elope, there will still be drama.

I think you should do it earlier like you want to. Have you tried explaining to your mom the reasons you want to get married sooner?

I don't want to even think about the drama that we would cause if we eloped. We wouldn't do it we just joked about it and maybe slightly considered it. I figured it might be an issue but I really wasn't expecting disagreements this early on. Oh well.

You'll have to get used to it Manda, my mom spent about the first 8 months of our 13 month engagement trying to hijack or otherwise take over our wedding. She was critical of every decision we made and in general never seemed happy about any idea unless it was her idea.

For the most part she's calmed down quite a bit although she's still letting things stress her. (I don't know why because she's getting stressed about things that she's not even involved in)

My aunt sent me an email congratulating us and then warned me to make sure that my mom didn't act like my grandma did during their weddings. I asked my mom about it but she didn't know what my aunt was talking about. I went back and asked my aunt, apparently my grandma was very demanding and while my aunt had a beautiful wedding it wasn't the one that she wanted. I think that's part of the reason she's really on my side and supporting me and I'm really thankful for that.

Anyway, tonight after I get home from work I'm going to talk with Dan a little more. I'm curious to see exactly what his parents said when he told them we were planning the wedding for August, I think they are completely fine with it but I want to know for sure. Then I'll tell him what my mom had to say and we'll go from there. We really can't set a date until Monday anyway after our meeting with our pastor, this might be something to bring up then too and it might be good to get his advice.

 

[BobW188]

You and Dan take charge of your wedding; but keep in mind that you're marrying not just each other but each other's families. Let your respective parents participate. There are things like arranging for reception catering, flowers, photography that you can delegate and which, quite frankly, you'll be glad to have out of your hands in those last, crowded days before the ceremony. It might be a good idea, if it's possible, to have a sit-down with both sets of parents present, find out who wants what, and work something out that leaves all six of you reasonably happy.

 

[gzt]

You're the one getting married. In a sense, the wedding isn't about you at all, it's about God, Jesus, and all that stuff. But, on the other hand, it's you and that guy getting married, not anybody else, and you probably know best when you want to get it done. Honestly, figure out when you want to get married and force the planning to fit. I had a wedding with like 170 people in a major metropolitan area with just under 5 months to plan. With no help from either set of parents or anything in the planning. And it was terribly beautiful and fun. And keep in mind that there are things that are important, that you'll actually remember, and things that aren't. A lot of the stuff belongs in the "things that aren't" category. A lot.

 

[Manda_24]

I finally talked to my mom, she's not extremely happy but I think she's realized that it's really what we want to do and she's ok with it. She said she kinda figured we'd want it sooner rather than next year. While we were talking she asked where we would have the wedding, I answered the church that Dan and I attend now and are both members of, she figured that but now my dad isn't happy, he was expecting us to have it in my hometown. I haven't gone to church there in years and I never liked the pastor, plus the carpet is this really nasty orange color. I think this problem will be a little easier to solve thankfully and hopefully this will be the end of the drama for a while at least.

 

[latteda]

They'll get over it. Both of those issues are ones that won't matter to anyone, say, a year from now.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Getting married is a one time event (or at least we hope it is), so you really need to make sure you do what you and your fiance want. It would be a horrible way to start a new life together as a married couple if everybody's going to be bitter towards everybody else because they didn't get what they wanted. Sometimes people really need to grow up.

Just keep in mind that after the wedding is over, chances are, everybody's going to move on and totally forget that you had the wedding at this church instead of that one, or that you liked the dress your future mother in law picked out instead of the one your mom did. So don't let decisions be made for you. If you and your fiance want it at the church you are going to now, tell the families that the decision has been made, its going to be at that church. Be firm. Maybe you want your wedding to be themed pink and purple but you have no preferences for flowers. So let families know it's going to be pink and purple, but have them work out flowers and flower arrangements.

 

[LovesToBless]

I agree with the advice you're being given. It is your life and your wedding. These things come throughout life and we parents should work more on accepting and supporting.

How I wish there were "parenting classes" for parents of adult "children". I don't know if you're the first to get married in your family (meaning if you have siblings) but sometimes uncharted territory is a challenge for us parents. Nevertheless, we still do need to remember that our child is now an adult an making a new family with their spouse.

I view it that I had my own wedding...that was the wedding for me & my husband and the one we got to plan. Now it will be my son's turn, and although I may not have chosen everything they choose, it is their wedding and their life.

My husband and I also planned our wedding in about 5 months and also had a lovely day that was just what we wanted. I don't totally agree though that no one will remember "issues" afterwards. People vary and some things were brought up to us, even after the fact.

For what it's worth..I also believe you should be able to name your kids what you want too ...for you see, parents can always have something to say about anything you do, if you don't establish those proper boundaries that everyone is mentioning.

 

[Manda_24]

Thanks everyone, things seem to be going a little better now. At least I haven't heard any of the complaints if there are any yet. I think they've come to understand that it really is my decision. I am the first in my family to get married, I have two older cousins (25 and almost 28/29ish) and they aren't married yet.

My mom is coming to visit me Tuesday night until sometime on Wednesday and we're going to go dress shopping. I also saw two of my bridesmaids this weekend and we chatted a little about some stuff.