Parenting with Grace

[LoveMyGirls]

I'm reading a book right now that I'm really enjoying . . Families Where Grace is in Place. Maybe some of you have read it. Anyway, the premise is on learning to get your children to "behave" by teaching them and helping them learn to make wise decisions, not by controlling them so they're only behaving to please you and avoid punishment, etc.

The problem is that the book is very general and doesn't really get into specifics for dealing with kids of various ages. I have a 3.5 year-old and I'm struggling with how I can get her to behave without controlling her/demanding it. Mainly I just try to stay calm and give her natural consequences for her misbehaviors, but I'm at a loss of what to do when she is blatantly disobedient, i.e. shouts "no!" or "I won't!" when I ask her to do something. I feel like if I tell her she can choose to do what I ask or else go to time-out, I'm controlling her. Right now I go the time-out route, but I want to get to the point where she's doing things that I ask because she has learned to be respectful and helpful, not because she wants to avoid time-out.

Any thoughts?

 

[Jenna]

Maybe I'm way off here, but I don't see the problem with controlling a young child. So long as a parent is looking out for the best interest of their chid and adhereing to biblical principles, I don't see where the problem is. Learning to act with wisdom, working hard, learning forgiveness, etc. are not only things that please parents, but they please the Lord also. HOW the lessons are given are up to each couple (father and mother) to decide, but I don't see how it is humanly possible to rear up children with loving discipline without controlling them through their younger years. *shrugs*

 

[selune]

A certain amount of control must be used to ensure that a little child learns. They don't have the capability or background to understand how to make a wise decision. At the young age, you can tell them that when blatently disobey--shout no--that that is not an option in that case. They will do the right thing because it is a safety issue or whatever.

Yes, you have the free will to run out in the street, but I won't let you exercise that free will because I value your life too much.

 

[Andry]

My wife and I parent with grace, always. It has been extremely effective. But I must concede that oftentimes it has been difficult for me, as that was not how I was traditionally taught or raised, and did not make sense to the natural mind.

You might want to read through some of the posts on 'spanking' in this forum, as a lot of interesting discussions have arose about the pros and cons on how to parent effectively.

Have you finished the book? Please share with us who the author(s) is.

 

[herev]

Maybe I'm way off here, but I don't see the problem with controlling a young child. So long as a parent is looking out for the best interest of their chid and adhereing to biblical principles, I don't see where the problem is. Learning to act with wisdom, working hard, learning forgiveness, etc. are not only things that please parents, but they please the Lord also. HOW the lessons are given are up to each couple (father and mother) to decide, but I don't see how it is humanly possible to rear up children with loving discipline without controlling them through their younger years. *shrugs*

well for the second time in a few minutes, let me say, yeah, what Jenna said

 

[desi]

Proverbs seems to cover the raising of children, it involves a rod if memory serves.

 

[bliz]

Wait, wait! I know the answer to this one!!!!

We were big on natural consequences and time outs. (Kids now 17, 20, 22) What took "time out" out of the punishment catagory was using it myself. I was pretty short with the kids one day, so I went in the kitchen to wash dishes by myself. My son came in and wanted to talk. I said something like "I would like to have a conversation with you, but I am taking a time out right now."

He protested. "But you're not in the bathroom!" The first floor bathroom was out time out spot.

"No, I'm not. But I'm alone and I'm calming down so I can be back in control."

"Who makes you take time-out?"

"I make myself take time-out. I could take a nap, or sit on the porch, or fold laundry, but IO knew I was getting out of control, so I took a break from being with you to get back in control."

We had a number of ocassions where he would assign himself time-out, I think just to see if he could and how it worked. It worked well. We got to the point where we could say to one of the kids "Do you need to take a time out?" which verbally switched time-out from something we insisted upon, to something they would choose to do. Later they would inform us "I'm taking a time out!" But, yes, at the start, it did involve us making it happen, against their will. But it really lead to self control!

We did spank. Spanking was reserved for in-your-face, "I'm not going to do what you just told me to do!" defience becasue that was a rejection of God's order. It was not done often; I think I spanked my youngest just one time.

You might also like How to Talk so Children Will Listen and Listen so Children Will Talk. Lots of very concrete examples. When I had the presence of mind to use the suggested approaches, things worked very well! Keep it up! I wish more parents would parent in this manner!!!

 

[HappyMomof4]

I used to be a "Because I said so" mom. I am reading a book by Popcak. I think its called 'How to raise practically perfect kids' or something like that. It's from a catholic perspective but I think that any christian would get a whole lot out of it. Im sure learning a lot! It anti-spanking, talks about training the will, not breaking it, and loving our children as God loves his children. I'm pretty excited about it.

 

[LoveMyGirls]

Thanks for your comments. I just finished the book, and I DO recommend it . . just wish it contained more practical day-to-day advice.

Again, the title is Families Where Grace is In Place (subtitle: Getting Free from the Burden of Pressuring, Controlling, and Manipulating Your Spouse and Children), and the author is Jeff VanVonderen.

 

[GracefulMama]

I also practice parenting with grace. I haven't read this book in particular, but I definitely will! Thank you for the suggestion.

Also, I would like to suggest a web site that is focused on Parenting with Grace:

gentlechristianmothers.com

One of the main moderators there is absolutely wonderful. She has written a book about this called "Biblical Parenting". Here is a link to her site where you can read about the book and her perspectives:

aolff.org

I have found both of these to be an invaluable resource! I hope you like them!

Heather

 

[Reformationist]

One of the main moderators there is absolutely wonderful. She has written a book about this called "Biblical Parenting". Here is a link to her site where you can read about the book and her perspectives:

aolff.org

I checked out the site and, to be honest, it just seems like any other liberal approach to parenting where the parent tries to raise the child in every way except one that includes the proper administration of corporal punishment. Well, to each their own.

I spank and it is a sure sign of God's grace that He has used my efforts in this area to teach me as much as I've taught my children.

The subtle attempt at using "parenting with grace" synonymously with "don't spank" is not so subtle. It's as if parents who do spank aren't being graceful to their children.

Either way, I pray that however we all raise our children we do it to glorify God.

God bless