Parental Blessing?

[Keturah Nikole]

Okay, so I have only ever had one boyfriend in my whole life. When I got to college last year, I had never really had much interest in dating or anything, but then I met this guy, and everything changed. We started talking, and after a few months, and after we met each other's parents, we started officially dating. Well, at that point, my parents decided they hated him, (and to this day still seem like they do.) That was in February 2010. In July 2010, we took a step back from our relationship, and decided to just be close friends for a while, because we weren't sure how a relationship would work for us, since it was becoming more LDR as he was joining the Navy and I was staying here in college. My parents seemed happy, but we were kinda sad. Yesterday, we sat down and had a nice phone conversation and realized that we could handle this LDR, since we 'basically' had been coping with it for the past 6 months, since he left, so we jumped back up a step and now have the 'official' title of a couple again.
I'm kinda curious as to go about telling my parents again though. They still don't know, about this now, and I'm not sure how to tell them. I am 19, he is 20. I live at college most of the year, except for breaks, and he of course lives on a Navy base, now. Do we really need to request my parents' blessing, or should we just let them know that we are dating and move on with our lives, not really worried about their opinion right now, cause we ARE adults?
HELP!

 

[The Nihilist]

Why don't your parents like him?

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

^This.

Do they have good reason or just being judgmental?

 

[Keturah Nikole]

I really don't know WHY they don't like him. They've never really given me a good answer, even when I asked.
At first, it was because they didn't really know much about him, and had a misconception of him, but as time went on, they learned more about him, and their opinion at first started to change toward liking him. But now they just don't like him, and won't give me a good explanation. They just say they don't like him.

 

[Luther073082]

Well if they can't give you a straight answer then I think you should continue to date him if you like him and you think that he's good for you.

But if they do give you an answer you need to listen.

The thing is its difficult for us to say not knowing him. Sometimes people at your age meet people who are bad for them or people who have major faults (Laziness, addictions, etc) and they make excuses for them because they are too caught up with "I'm in love". But their parents can see this is a problem.

On the other hand its not unheard of for some parents to fear losing their child (especially when its a girl) and so have a knee jerk reaction in not likeing boyfriends just because its difficult for them to accept that you may be growing up.

Now with no straight answer from them I'd have to say that it sounds like it may possibly be the second here. Especially from what you tell me, he sounds pretty responsible. (Lazy people and people with addictions don't really make it in the military.)

 

[citizenthom]

Now with no straight answer from them I'd have to say that it sounds like it may possibly be the second here. Especially from what you tell me, he sounds pretty responsible. (Lazy people and people with addictions don't really make it in the military.)

You'd be surprised, Luther. And even those who don't have such problems going in can have them coming out.

To the OP: we can't really get inside your parents' heads to know their reasoning. You simply have to ask them. Their dislike right now may just be that they had to watch you be sad when the two of you broke up. Or, they may see some legitimate, identifiable character flaw. Bottom line is you have to talk to them about it.

 

[Keturah Nikole]

To the OP: we can't really get inside your parents' heads to know their reasoning. You simply have to ask them. Their dislike right now may just be that they had to watch you be sad when the two of you broke up. Or, they may see some legitimate, identifiable character flaw. Bottom line is you have to talk to them about it.

My intent in my original post was not to ask you to decide what my parent's think of him, but to ask whether he and I need my parents' permission to date.

 

[Luther073082]

My intent in my original post was not to ask you to decide what my parent's think of him, but to ask whether he and I need my parents' permission to date.

If you are asking that, then no, there is nothing in the bible that requires you to get your parent's permission as an adult to date someone.

But what we are both trying to point out is there is a difference between what is asked/required of you and what is smart/wise. And I belive the bible would tell you in proverbs to respect the council of the wise.

You see there is nothing in the bible that says not to take my wife's jeep out and do doughnuts with it. But wisdom and common sense tells me that doing that might be dangerous.

What we are telling you is that while I wouldn't decide what you are going to do as an adult just based off of what your parent's tell you, it is a still a good idea to listen to them.

People, especially the younger they are get blinded by love and they ignore or refuse to see obvious faults that are, in the long run going to cause them a lot of pain.

So what we are trying to say is take your right as an adult to date who you want with some amount of wisdom and listen to the people who care about you and their thoughts on him. If people have a legitimate reason to dislike him, then you need to consider that strongly.

But it could very simpily be a case of you are growing up, they subconciously want to keep you young and still "their baby" and boyfriend represents a threat to that. And if thats the case, your parents will likely come around when they come to terms with you growing up.

 

[feedingtheweeds]

I would just ask them what it was about him that they didn't like. Maybe they don't want to tell you because they feel like you wouldn't believe them so it's just easier to not approve and not give you a reason.

You are an adult, though. If your relationship with him is pleasing to God and strengthens your relationship with God then it's the right thing to do because you know God wants this relationship as well.

 

[Katarinea]

If they hated him before you two "took a break", as it seems you did, then there may be some underlying reason for it. It could simply be that they see him as unworthy for you, or it could be that he and your parents have doctrinal differences, or any multitude of things. The question that you should ask is, "Is this relationship truly what God wants in my life, or is it just my emotions fooling me? If it is God's will and they know that, can I get them to understand this?" If they can't reconcile their differences, then you may have to date/marry without their blessing. . .we are supposed to honor our parents, but not at the expense of going against God.

 

[iambren]

If you marry this guy,both families will be in your lives for the rest of your life, especially if there are grandchildren. So it's best to get the cards on the table and clear the way for all to be reasonably connected. Approach them respectfully, say you honor their opinion, and nondefensibly hear them out. Maybe build a bridge.

I was in my mid-30s when I asked my soon-to-be wife's father for her hand in marriage. I knew that I didn't HAVE to do that, but it showed him some respect which helped in later relations(actually we did electrical work together later on, I was closer to him than my own dad).

Whoever made the comment about taking what your parents say seriously was dead on. They've known you your whole life so have an informed opinion. But if they are just looking for excuses to hang on to you I would proceed prayerfully in what YOU choose to do.

 

[mclordsbutterfly]

i dont know what sort of "talk" you had with your parents... was it a very nice relaxed sit down type talk, where that was the topic of conversation? or was it a moment when you felt they didnt like him, and maybe said someting like "gees~! what is it that you dont like about him" type thing?

maybe you could arrange to have a very nice "adult like talk" and bring up the fact you are dating again,
but really would like to hear what they have to say about why they dont like him, and that you would be willing to listen,
the approach of the whole thing might help?

just my .02

 

[Keturah Nikole]

But what we are both trying to point out is there is a difference between what is asked/required of you and what is smart/wise. And I belive the bible would tell you in proverbs to respect the council of the wise.
...
What we are telling you is that while I wouldn't decide what you are going to do as an adult just based off of what your parent's tell you, it is a still a good idea to listen to them.
People, especially the younger they are get blinded by love and they ignore or refuse to see obvious faults that are, in the long run going to cause them a lot of pain.
So what we are trying to say is take your right as an adult to date who you want with some amount of wisdom and listen to the people who care about you and their thoughts on him. If people have a legitimate reason to dislike him, then you need to consider that strongly.
But it could very simpily be a case of you are growing up, they subconciously want to keep you young and still "their baby" and boyfriend represents a threat to that. And if thats the case, your parents will likely come around when they come to terms with you growing up.

I understand that I am adult and can make my own decisions and that it is wise to take the advice of those that are older than me. I definitely want to listen to what my parents have to say, too. It's just that a lot of the time, they won't say. Personally, I feel that it is just that they don't want their daughter to grow up and move away, but being the daughter, I'm kinda biased to that being their position.

I would just ask them what it was about him that they didn't like. Maybe they don't want to tell you because they feel like you wouldn't believe them so it's just easier to not approve and not give you a reason.

You are an adult, though. If your relationship with him is pleasing to God and strengthens your relationship with God then it's the right thing to do because you know God wants this relationship as well.

I have asked them many times. They bring the subject of this young man up, and we start talking, and I ask them what they don't like about him. When I do that, they ask what I DO like about him, and as I start to list different things, they just laugh, roll their eyes and move onto another conversation of their own. It's as if they don't even want to hear it. Then they go to our friends at church and in the community and make fun of him and pick at him behind his back(the people they are talking to have never even MET my boyfriend), and call him names and tell them what a 'terrible' person he is. My dad has only met him one time, and my mom has met him twice. She has said to me that she finds him to be unsocial because of the 2nd time she met him. (In that situation, he was sitting in the student lounge doing some homework, and concentrating on that, as he always did while I was in my last class of the day, and she was sitting across the lounge from him working on some of her own teacher's homework. In that situation, he told me later that he didn't realize he should try talking to her, but rather thought it best if he allowed her to get her work done, while he did his.)
I definitely feel that our Christian relationships have been growing. When we talk, we try to encourage each other to keep doing what is right in God's eyes, rather than the world's. He has been such a godly encouragement to me, especially in these past few months, with some issues that have been going on in my life, and I can only hope that I have helped to encourage him as well.

 

[Keturah Nikole]

If they hated him before you two "took a break", as it seems you did, then there may be some underlying reason for it. It could simply be that they see him as unworthy for you, or it could be that he and your parents have doctrinal differences, or any multitude of things. The question that you should ask is, "Is this relationship truly what God wants in my life, or is it just my emotions fooling me? If it is God's will and they know that, can I get them to understand this?" If they can't reconcile their differences, then you may have to date/marry without their blessing. . .we are supposed to honor our parents, but not at the expense of going against God.

Thanks, Kat. That last line is very well said, and I definitely agree. I want to do God's will above all. I also want to honor my parents, and do what they think would be right, but after much prayer,(in other situations as well), it is looking more and more like what they want for me is NOT what God wants for my life.

 

[Keturah Nikole]

If you marry this guy,both families will be in your lives for the rest of your life, especially if there are grandchildren. So it's best to get the cards on the table and clear the way for all to be reasonably connected. Approach them respectfully, say you honor their opinion, and nondefensibly hear them out. Maybe build a bridge.
I was in my mid-30s when I asked my soon-to-be wife's father for her hand in marriage. I knew that I didn't HAVE to do that, but it showed him some respect which helped in later relations(actually we did electrical work together later on, I was closer to him than my own dad).
Whoever made the comment about taking what your parents say seriously was dead on. They've known you your whole life so have an informed opinion. But if they are just looking for excuses to hang on to you I would proceed prayerfully in what YOU choose to do.

I definitely want both of our families to have a part in our lives, especially if we ever have kids. As I mentioned a little earlier, I have tried to respectfully ask them what they don't like about him, but they won't give me a straight answer, and like to counter that with asking what I DO like about him.

i dont know what sort of "talk" you had with your parents... was it a very nice relaxed sit down type talk, where that was the topic of conversation? or was it a moment when you felt they didnt like him, and maybe said someting like "gees~! what is it that you dont like about him" type thing?

maybe you could arrange to have a very nice "adult like talk" and bring up the fact you are dating again,
but really would like to hear what they have to say about why they dont like him, and that you would be willing to listen,
the approach of the whole thing might help?

just my .02

I am hoping to try to sit down and talk to them soon about this, again, but it's gonna be hard to do. I mean, I'm 2 hours from home, he's 14 hours from me, putting him 16 hours from them, which would make a conversation between the 4 of us impossible, as much as I would like to have that. Also, I have no vehicle to go home and speak to them face to face, so it will have to be done over the phone or be postponed until mid-May, and I definitely don't want to wait that long.

 

[Luther073082]

If they won't give you a straight answer as to why they dislike then its my conclustion too that it likely has to do with you growing up and them comming to terms with that.

 

[Jazer]

Do we really need to request my parents' blessing, or should we just let them know that we are dating and move on with our lives, not really worried about their opinion right now, cause we ARE adults? HELP!

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

We should obey our parents as much as we are able to do. As long as it is "in the Lord" and they are not asking us to do something UnGodly. This is a promise that has the reward of a long life.

 

[Luther073082]

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

We should obey our parents as much as we are able to do. As long as it is "in the Lord" and they are not asking us to do something UnGodly. This is a promise that has the reward of a long life.

Might it be pointed out that this woman is no longer a child and so the verse no longer applies to her. . .

I belive children should obey their parents in the Lord. However adults should honor their parents (Listen to them with respect, treat them with respect) but not necessarily obey their parents

 

[Jazer]

Might it be pointed out that this woman is no longer a child and so the verse no longer applies to her. . .

I belive children should obey their parents in the Lord. However adults should honor their parents (Listen to them with respect, treat them with respect) but not necessarily obey their parents

I am not a child either, in fact I have a few years on you. I did my best to honor my father right up to the day he died. It was not always easy, but I believe that God has a plan in this for all of us. We actually spend a lot more time with our parents as a grown up, then we do as a child.

 

[Luther073082]

I am not a child either, in fact I have a few years on you. I did my best to honor my father right up to the day he died. It was not always easy, but I believe that God has a plan in this for all of us. We actually spend a lot more time with our parents as a grown up, then we do as a child.

True, but my point is that God no longer commands obedience of our parents from us as adults. And while respect is always importance sometimes its important to do what you feel is right for you despite your parent's objections.

If they can't give her a reason especially, I think she should definatly go with what she feels is right. Some parents have been known to dislike boyfriends or girlfriends of their adult sons or daughters out of hat.

My paternal grandmother was very much like this and out of 6 children she had, she disapproved of all of their spouses on their wedding day. So much so that it was only upon the insistance of my grandfather that she actually attended most of their cerimonies.

It wasn't until later that she began accepting her children's spouses.