Our (very wonderful) coffee shop, just for us!

[JesusFreak2008]

Please please please ..I need prayer..

I just ended it with Jason..based on the fact that he and I have been holding onto something that is not there..and he wants to go into ministry..and I want to go to medical school..and in order for him to become an ordained pastor..he needs to either loose me or marry me..so I let him go so he can follow his dreams.

I hope I did the right thing? Theres more reasons to it..but there hard to express..please pray for me?

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Hang in there!

 

[lmarie23]

praying for you A-M.

I am just stopping in quick on my break from work. arg i hate having no computer.

today is a pretty good day except work is completely exhausting tonight.
church was really good and i enjoyed the potluck afterwards. i got in some good conversations afterwards, particularly with this guy who is really nice and cute, haha. but i made this dumb comment and i keep beating myself up about it. it just that i didn't explain myself well and i think they probably took it the wrong way, which would mean i would sound really conceited. it was just that this girl told me that i am amazing because i have all these talents, which is what people tell me a lot, and i never know what to say to that. because i'm shy but well, i do have a lot of talents i suppose, what with music and art and creative writing and languages and such. so i said something about how in high school my friend and i used to argue about who was more perfect. but i shouldn't have said that without explaining that he would always tell me i was more perfect and i would always tell him he was more perfect. but i shouldn't have even shared that story, it's weird, and the guy turned out to be a jerk anyways. ok that's all.

i should go back to work, i'm late on my break. oops.

Lynne

 

[BlessedMommy05]

Hey April.. Good to see you again.. Yeah busy as always! Sleep and coffee or soda does me.. Its never ending here.. Lets see this is Sun/Monday so I"ll say I had the worst headache of life today and could only take Tylenol today and it was bad enough being in pain, all I wanted to do was stay in bed with the blanket over my head and sleep but couldnt do that..

Then today we went got Hub a hair cut (needed one badly!) and then went to pickup a gift for my mom in law's husband who's bday is Tuesday we celebrated tonight.. Then we had dinner there and had a very relaxing time.. We showed off our new car to her and the look on her face was PRICELESS! So funny to I was laughing so hard..

April my biopsy is Thursday and I cant take any blood thinning things cept for Tylenol for the next few days.. So I wanted to catch up on some of the house-work while I can because Thurs is when I cant do much or do any lifting.. Blah!

Well its late and I'm very tired.. Finishing my Taco Soup and head to bed, to all...

Laura

 

[Soulwings]

Lots of posts, yey.

A-M, please, love, don't get into any more relationships. You can see that you are relationship-dependent... but I think what you can't see is how detrimental it can be to you. You were in an abusive relationship with Jason, and were going to marry him... Do you see where I am coming from? Please, please, please stay out of any relationships for the time being... you can be just friends with a guy you like; you don't have to date. Keep it to the friends level for now. I'm afraid that you will get into another abusive relationship, another relationship that leaves you regretful, another relationship that will cause you agony. Please, love.

Glad to hear that you finished your training. That's exciting!

I'll be praying for you and your mum and hoping that she makes the right decision...

...

Lynne, things like that happen. And they suck. But I'm sure that if he is a good guy, he'll get to know you better rather than ignore you just because of one comment that could've been taken wrongly.

How's work going??

...

Gerry, prayers will be with you as well.

...

Diana How are you doing? Thank you so much for the prayers... they are so appreciated.

...

Laura, now I understand. I hope that the biopsy goes well and that you get things done before then... but don't overdo it; get some rest in the middle of all of that work!!

...

So last night I fell asleep at 6:30pm, got up at 7:15 to get ready for bed (brush teeth and take out contacts, already showered), then read for about five minutes, and snuggled up under the covers and fell asleep again. I think Jarrod came to bed around the same time, but I can't remember very well. I woke up at 5am and was going to get up, but realized that that would just make me more tired in the end. So instead I dozed/slept until 6am. I don't know why I was so freaking tired... it was so weird.

I'm not sure if I want to drink my morning cuppa... I have it right beside me, but I'm already feeling tense and jittery so I think I'll forego it. It's cinnamon coffee, too... :-( hehe. I decided not to take the Focalin this morning, because I want to see if not taking it leaves me less anxious. I wonder. Yesterday was horrible for anxiety; I was so drained.

I have a question for you all: have you ever felt "unreal"? hazy 'round the edges? as though bits of you were being taken away? (e.g., if you were made of puzzle pieces and each time anxiety strikes, or each hour, or something, a puzzle piece is taken away)........ because that is what I have been noticing with me. I don't feel real anymore. It's the weirdest feeling. I feel like a ghost of a person, a wisp, misty around the edges, not clearly defined...... drifting. I don't know why and I don't know if it's a sign that some psychosis is going to come on shortly or not. I don't know if this is part of a psychosis. I just... don't know. :-S

I missed a Leeland concert last night at our church. That sucked. I really wanted to go, too, but I was so drained from being so anxious... anyway, I fell asleep here at home before the concert even started so I doubt I would've been able to make it through the whole concert without a panic attack or falling asleep or something. Blah.

Oh well.

Anyway. Hope y'all have a lovely day. I'll be back sometime or another today, probably more times than you would like to see me.

s

 

[Jeshu]

Please I need prayers urgently!!!

I've been manic depressed almost all day. I went down in self hate and came close to giving in to harmful thoughts towards myself. I've been trying to give these thoughts to our Lord but when I'm down it these moods I can't seem to stop it from happening. Its scary. I haven't been sleeping either, maybe I'm going manic from my new medications as well.

I know that the hospital isn't safe at the moment because I got two psychiatrist awaiting me with lots more drugs to make me feel more depressed and miserable.

I'm trying to get a contract set-up that will agree on treatment options away from drugging me of the planet, as this is all doctors seem to want to do with me, (some kind of obsession with them at the moment,) but I don't know if I will succeed, let's say the opposition is strong!

My family is supportive but I'm not when I'm manic depressed, that's the problem. So if this depression worsens I might be in danger of life yet if I go to the hospital the first thing they will do is pump me full with more depression making things even more scary to contemplate.

I'm not even sure any more if I'm seeing things right, I'm in it deep.

 

[Alive again]

Please please please ..I need prayer..

I just ended it with Jason..based on the fact that he and I have been holding onto something that is not there..and he wants to go into ministry..and I want to go to medical school..and in order for him to become an ordained pastor..he needs to either loose me or marry me..so I let him go so he can follow his dreams.

I hope I did the right thing? Theres more reasons to it..but there hard to express..please pray for me?

Saying a prayer for you both.

 

[Alive again]

Please I need prayers urgently!!!

I've been manic depressed almost all day. I went down in self hate and came close to giving in to harmful thoughts towards myself. I've been trying to give these thoughts to our Lord but when I'm down it these moods I can't seem to stop it from happening. Its scary. I haven't been sleeping either, maybe I'm going manic from my new medications as well.

I know that the hospital isn't safe at the moment because I got two psychiatrist awaiting me with lots more drugs to make me feel more depressed and miserable.

I'm trying to get a contract set-up that will agree on treatment options away from drugging me of the planet, as this is all doctors seem to want to do with me, (some kind of obsession with them at the moment,) but I don't know if I will succeed, let's say the opposition is strong!

My family is supportive but I'm not when I'm manic depressed, that's the problem. So if this depression worsens I might be in danger of life yet if I go to the hospital the first thing they will do is pump me full with more depression making things even more scary to contemplate.

I'm not even sure any more if I'm seeing things right, I'm in it deep.

Praying for you as I type dear Gerry!!! May God protect you and surround you with His love!!!

 

[Alive again]

I am in Montana for another night, but had aquick chance to check in this am. I am very tired. Drove most of the way here, time change and forgot my SAD light. Tonight we leave my friend. I am sure I will be crhying. Keep me and my friend in your prayers as she is more exhausted than I am and I leave her with two young gtr/granddtrs and a whole house to unpack and organize starting tomorrow. I do wish I could stay, but one can only get so much time off of work. Thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers.

 

[lmarie23]

hi everyone.

Gerry, praying for you. it sounds like you are in quite a rough spot right now. God will be faithful...

April, yeah, probably he'll just shrug the comment off, i just worry about things like that too much. i'm so dumb sometimes. he's a nice guy, he'll just probably laugh about it and move on. and i need to stop kind-of-crushing on every guy who is nice to me. but i just would love to meet someone... <sigh>

I'm supposed to be studying for my exam tomorrow, but i just can't focus, so i'm at my parents' house procrastinating by browsing online. i really should study though, arg. i miss my computer, i'm feeling like dabbling in songwriting again but my song-writing software is on that computer. i guess i could download it on my parents' computer but i would rather not. i was watching my youtube videos of myself singing and for some reason i am liking them right now. usually i am too insecure and i just criticize myself for stuff, but today i think they look good.

i love the fact that my apartment is really clean now, because i spent a week cleaning it in preparation for my party. i feel like it changes my whole outlook on life, i want to be healthy and do productive things in that space. it makes me want to be responsible and eat healthy and exercise and do all these good things. before my place was a mess, and i just wanted to sit around and eat junk food and read humorous novels or surf online. it's interesting how your space can affect you so much, at least for me.

well, i'm going to try to find something productive to do. hopefully it will be studying, but if not that, then something else.

Lynne

 

[Soulwings]

Gerry, said a prayer for you as I read. May God keep you in His arms, safe, away from anything that could harm you or cause you to harm yourself.

...

Laurie, will be praying for you as well. Glad to hear from you, even though things are rough for you with leaving your friend at her new place.

...

Lynne, what exam?

I would miss my computer too... ick. At least you have computers available to use, as do I (were my comp to decide to break down, let's pray that it doesn't!!). Bright sides to (nearly) everything.

My space changes my mood as well. If it's clean and neat, I do feel responsible and proud of myself, but the junkier it gets, the less motivated I am to clean it. Well, at least that's how it was at my parents' place. My room was never really bad - books just piled up every which way and papers cluttered it. There were never dirty clothes or old food or dishes - ewwww. Here, though, I am definitely motivated to clean. We have gotten into a routine as far as cleaning goes, which is a fantastic thing. A clean apartment = amazing'ness.

...

I'm really tired but not very anxious. I guess nixing the coffee and Focalin this morning helped with that... I just drank the leftover coffee that I was planning on drinking early this a.m. because I was practically falling asleep. Managed to drive okay, though, which is a miracle. Thankfully it's just a short drive from campus to the apartment, about half a mile (the reasons I don't walk are these: windy road and no real shoulder/sidewalk, bad weather, and a purse and heavy bag).

My mum stopped by; I thought it was someone else, someone I didn't know, because I wasn't expecting her, so I tried to ignore the knocking on the door til finally I had to go see. Glad I did, hehe. She knew I was home 'cause my car was in the parking lot, and probably would've been worried if I hadn't come to the door. She's picking me up some Greek yoghurt from the store, which was where she was headed. Maybe afterwards she can come in and we can have tea and chat or something. I really don't feel that productive... any distraction is welcome.

No, but really, I did get some stuff done today... read a chapter in Lifecycle and tutored one of my friends. I don't have loads to do and I really, really need(ed) the break, so I'm glad that I took it. This time of the semester things get really hectic and stressful....... only 2 weeks of classes left after this one. I can't wait til winter break........

 

[Criada]

Please please please ..I need prayer..

I just ended it with Jason..based on the fact that he and I have been holding onto something that is not there..and he wants to go into ministry..and I want to go to medical school..and in order for him to become an ordained pastor..he needs to either loose me or marry me..so I let him go so he can follow his dreams.

I hope I did the right thing? Theres more reasons to it..but there hard to express..please pray for me?

Praying, sweetie

 

[Jeshu]

Thanks everybody for caring. I didn't sleep much but have stabilised somewhat and haven't any more urges to suicide.

This has been a very close call.

The strange part that yesterday afternoon when I was manic, I found myself praying spontaneously, often unaware that I was doing so until afterwards. Our Lord keeping me safe, I can see that now - it wasn't even thinking about God or praying - as a matter of fact in that horrible mood of being I never pray otherwise - luckily we figured it was the new medications doing this, before I swallowed more of it, and that I still had another anti-psychotic to increase to calm down again.

Hopefully everything will be fine.

 

[Soulwings]

I'm glad you're feeling better, Gerry. Can't say how glad I am about that.

...

Feeling a bit like I'm falling down the rabbit hole myself. Things are getting seriously peculiar on my end (see my thread for more)........ I don't want to tell my tx team about any of it, because I don't want more drugs. I am adamant about that. I do not want to be drugged so senselessly that I do not experience the interesting things that are in my life, psychoses being some of them.

I don't know what to do. My husband is adamant about me getting in touch with my treatment team.......... but I don't want to. I (foolishly?) gave him the numbers of both my NP and T, including my T's emergency cell number. I hope he doesn't decide to call her without letting me know... but I am sure that he won't because we are honest with each other..... only if I am at risk of harming myself or others or both would he do something like that I think.

I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know.... I just don't know. And I'm getting scared now.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Hey There Soulwings,

Do you think you could talk to your therapist and tell them why you feel scared? Maybe there is something about your condition that is bothering you and you don't know what it is? Well I hope you can talk to your therapist and find out what is scaring you.

Well in other news today I did some teachingtoday, I had the students in my college Algebra class correct their mid terms in class so the students who didn't do so good could ask the students who did do well how to do the problems. I think it worked out pretty good!

 

[JesusFreak2008]

Good Day everyone,

I believe I owe some people here an apology-mostly because you all tried to tell me that I was being abused and I needed to get out of the relationship and was too darn stubborn to listen. Today was mostly a day of reflection for me. The hardest part for me to do was let go-mentally. To let go of something or someone that I had been with for two years, someone that abused me, someone that used me, someone who I almost had a child with, someone that took my virginity. For a while, I guess I thought love was to be with someone that at the end of the night, no matter what you have done or how you were treated, you still smile about. Don't get me wrong, Jason has his good sides, but the bad sides outweigh the good. It was the hardest day of my life-mentally, physically and emotionally. God challenged me today, it was hard to keep my peace. I think I'm going to have a long talk with my pastor, just he and I tomorrow. I think that would help, mostly on the religious side of things, and the advice side of things. I guess my fear is God will judge me for the things I did wrong in the last two years-the sex before marraige, the living with a guy when im not married..but to let go-that was even harder. A lot of my friends and family are supporting me big time right now. It's alot to get over, and get used to. I'm not used to this focusing on myself thing, and most of all I owe Morning-Glory the moderator, a huge appology, because we argued about two months back because of something simular to this. I guess what I'm getting at here is you guys were right, and im sorry it took my stubborn self to listen to you for so long. I guess it was time for a change-time to better myself. But still, the hardest part was letting go, and now the healing process starts.

This month is going to be busy-not even sure if that is the word. I started taking live calls today-nervous was not even the word to describe it, I accidently hung up on two customers. Some were nice, but boy can you get rude customers. I had one demand a pay credit of $35 to his account because he was not suppose to have a $35 technician fee, but he was according to my Training Guide, and his area, if they dont have the service protection plan, they get charged $35 for technician fee. Wednesday, Comcast comes over to set up my phone and internet. I'm in the process of finding a room mate live in situation back home in Manchester, so when I get home I have my own place. I think living on my own will be different, and as I am scared, I know I can do it. I just worry about not having finances and such..

So that was my day..im still trying to let go..I dont intend on being in a relationship for a while now..please continue to pray for me, I hope I did the right thing.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Well you hang in there Jesus Freak, I hope you have real nice talk with your pastor. I still remember my pastor from up north he struck me as a real nice guy to talk to. I am glad you are out of that abusive relationship, hopefully your job situation will workout, you hang in there, and remember keep the faith!

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Thanks everybody for caring. I didn't sleep much but have stabilised somewhat and haven't any more urges to suicide.

This has been a very close call.

The strange part that yesterday afternoon when I was manic, I found myself praying spontaneously, often unaware that I was doing so until afterwards. Our Lord keeping me safe, I can see that now - it wasn't even thinking about God or praying - as a matter of fact in that horrible mood of being I never pray otherwise - luckily we figured it was the new medications doing this, before I swallowed more of it, and that I still had another anti-psychotic to increase to calm down again.

Hopefully everything will be fine.

Woah Gerry, sounds like you have been having a rough time. Do what you can to recover take care of number one! We ned you around here to offer support to people. By the way when you asked me about pink floyd and the wall, whenI listen tothat album I can sing right along with it, the music really is hard for me to forget. I havebeen to a Pink Floyd show too, it was really good. You hang in there and remember you can't will mental illness away you needpsychiatric care just to control it. Talk to a doctor you need one, if it gets too bad and you thing you might be danger to yourself or others, or basically you are having an unmanageable moment then you need to go to a psychiatric hospital, to help you live to fight another day. I have been hospitilized twce and that was basically why I had to do it too.

Sometimes it is okey to be comfortably numb!

 

[Jeshu]

Good Day everyone,

I believe I owe some people here an apology-mostly because you all tried to tell me that I was being abused and I needed to get out of the relationship and was too darn stubborn to listen. Today was mostly a day of reflection for me. The hardest part for me to do was let go-mentally. To let go of something or someone that I had been with for two years, someone that abused me, someone that used me, someone who I almost had a child with, someone that took my virginity. For a while, I guess I thought love was to be with someone that at the end of the night, no matter what you have done or how you were treated, you still smile about. Don't get me wrong, Jason has his good sides, but the bad sides outweigh the good. It was the hardest day of my life-mentally, physically and emotionally. God challenged me today, it was hard to keep my peace. I think I'm going to have a long talk with my pastor, just he and I tomorrow. I think that would help, mostly on the religious side of things, and the advice side of things. I guess my fear is God will judge me for the things I did wrong in the last two years-the sex before marraige, the living with a guy when im not married..but to let go-that was even harder. A lot of my friends and family are supporting me big time right now. It's alot to get over, and get used to. I'm not used to this focusing on myself thing, and most of all I owe Morning-Glory the moderator, a huge appology, because we argued about two months back because of something simular to this. I guess what I'm getting at here is you guys were right, and im sorry it took my stubborn self to listen to you for so long. I guess it was time for a change-time to better myself. But still, the hardest part was letting go, and now the healing process starts.

This month is going to be busy-not even sure if that is the word. I started taking live calls today-nervous was not even the word to describe it, I accidently hung up on two customers. Some were nice, but boy can you get rude customers. I had one demand a pay credit of $35 to his account because he was not suppose to have a $35 technician fee, but he was according to my Training Guide, and his area, if they dont have the service protection plan, they get charged $35 for technician fee. Wednesday, Comcast comes over to set up my phone and internet. I'm in the process of finding a room mate live in situation back home in Manchester, so when I get home I have my own place. I think living on my own will be different, and as I am scared, I know I can do it. I just worry about not having finances and such..

So that was my day..im still trying to let go..I dont intend on being in a relationship for a while now..please continue to pray for me, I hope I did the right thing.

I'm so glad you are okay and that the truth is opening your eyes to wrong more than has been the case - amazing how that works don't you reckon?

Please don't feel to guilty for having run short of the mark, we all do, different things but the same results, cut off from the truth and getting hurt. That's what wrong does, that's why God warns us about it so strongly in His Word - as a parent might warn a child for dangerous people - so God warns us about making wrong decisions - so we stay away from those times and places that end up hurting us.

Be thankful April, all these times of sin still taught you right in The End, you even still care for your ex, isn't amazing?

Keep holding onto the good and let go of those things that end-up hurting you (and Jason.)

Keep being courageous you are doing good at the moment, I can easy see and hear this, simply let such times grow and take up more and more space inside of your decision making processes.

Gerry

The way I would describe your spiritual/inner world of being at this moment in time - maybe you relate to that?
Psalm 9

1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders. 2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
3 My enemies turn back;
they stumble and perish before you.
4 For you have upheld my right and my cause;
you have sat on your throne, judging righteously.
5 You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;
you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.
6 Endless ruin has overtaken the enemy,
you have uprooted their cities;
even the memory of them has perished.
7 The LORD reigns forever;
he has established his throne for judgment.
8 He will judge the world in righteousness;
he will govern the peoples with justice.
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
11 Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
proclaim among the nations what he has done.
12 For he who avenges blood remembers;
he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted.
13 O LORD, see how my enemies persecute me!
Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death,
14 that I may declare your praises
in the gates of the Daughter of Zion
and there rejoice in your salvation.
15 The nations have fallen into the pit they have dug;
their feet are caught in the net they have hidden.
16 The LORD is known by his justice;
the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands.

17 The wicked return to the grave,
all the nations that forget God.
18 But the needy will not always be forgotten,
nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.
19 Arise, O LORD, let not man triumph;
let the nations be judged in your presence.
20 Strike them with terror, O LORD;
let the nations know they are but men.

 

[Soulwings]

A-M, I'm so glad that you realized that you were in a bad place...... I hope that you have a good talk with your pastor about everything. You need the reassurance that I hope he - and definitely God!!! - can give. Even though you weren't living as God intended for awhile, He forgives everything, and He will forgive you if you just ask. His grace and mercy are free - Jesus paid for them for us. Hang in there and keep doing your best - sorry if what I say keeps sounding repetitive - I'm here if you need to chat.

...

Doubting, glad that teaching went okay. How long are your classes, and are they only MWF?

...

Gerry, how are you doing today? Lynne, Laura, Laurie (if you're here), same goes for you. s

...

I'm doing okay. Really wiped. I went to bed at 7:15 again last night, fell asleep almost as soon as I curled up in bed. I was tired enough to forget to take my contacts out, so today I am wearing glasses and letting my contacts soak. Blah.

Just finished my morning cup of coffee. Figured I need it today, since I have classes all day and have to stay awake. I'm still skipping the Focalin to see if I am less anxious. I hope I remember to use grounding techniques if I need to...

Not much else is really going on. Our landlord is coming today to fix the heat in the bedroom - it doesn't work so it can get pretty chilly in there, especially since it's getting colder now this time of year. It snowed yesterday. I hate the thought of him coming and seeing the not-quite-orderly'ness of our apartment, but I'm sure that he's seen worse, so it's just going to have to do. I'm going to make sure, though, that nothing embarrassing is really obvious.

I suppose I should get a move on... it'll be time to leave before I know it. I wish we had a thermometer outside so I could tell what temperature it is..... don't know if I need my winter coat or not. Blah. Err on the side of caution? hmmm.

s