Hello All,
I've hesitated to post in the Orthodox section because I haven't been a practicing member of the faith. I have been a practicing Christian though for about three years. I apologize in advance for the long post.
My last confession with an Orthodox priest was when I was 14. This was the priest at my Uncle's church who later got into trouble.
I was baptized Eastern Orthodox as an infant. I'm 39. My grandparents emmigrated from Ukraine. My grandfather died about 4 years ago. I miss him.
My Dad, who was Orthodox, married my mom who is Catholic. They got divorced when I was five. They made an agreement that if I was a boy I was to be Orthodox and if I was a girl I was to be Catholic.
As a sidenote of this spiritual confusion, it's tended to make me think that people are better off starting a family with people likeminded.
I've always liked the Orthodox faith. It's tough to really become immersed in it though when more than half the times I went to the church the masses were in a different language. I respect the ethnic part of it but it is also frustrating because as a kid I didn't get the culture. I got bits and pieces of it.
As a kid I went to Church maybe twice year, if that. To me, at that young age Orthodoxy was mysterious.
When I was 18 my uncle sent me some Orthodox Cathecism books. I read them. I made an attempt to start going to an Orthodox mission in California. At the time I was dealing with alcoholism and a host of other problems. My family never went to church. At that young age, without a firm understanding of the faith, their wasn't enough momentum to keep me going. I drifted.
For a while, I not only drifted from Orthodoxy but also Christianity as a whole. I contemplated becoming Buddhist. In my early 20s I did read the whole New Testament. For a time I was inspired. I chose to go alone rather than join a church however. I drifted back into a generalized conception of God.
Who could figure out Christianity I thought with the myriad of different denominations - each one saying they were right and everyone else is wrong?? Also, at the time I thought I had no hope to live the Christian life because I was failing miserably at trying to practice the morality.
I've been attending an Evengical church for about three years now. I learned what "membership" means. Showing up consistently changes the experience over time. It seems like no matter what you do - school, work life, church - showing up consistently is a big factor.
When I started attending the Evengelical Church I told the pastor I did not want to renounce my Orthodoxy. He said I didn't have to. They recognized my baptism. That church has been full of love and helped me through a sea of bitterness after my divorce. My divorce, which I resisted, turned my world upside down but in the end did drive me back towards God.
Attending a different church was a headtrip. I looked up their web page and saw that they followed the Nicene Creed. My dad head tripped on it a little bit but who was he to judge? He hasn't been to church in years. He didn't want me not to be Orthodox but he never goes himself. That was ridiculous to me, though I still love my father.
I thought about my grandparents. Did they sit down with a list of congregations and choose a church out of a book?? They went to the church of their land, which happened to be Orthodox. I thought that I'm choosing the church of my land.
Part of me does miss Orthodoxy though. I hung an icon on my wall.
I've had a strange journey. I bought a book written by an Orthodox monk back in 1990. I pulled the book off the shelf and started reading it. The monks name is Father John. The book has a lot of power and I like it. The idea of a "staretz", a monk singled out for holiness, is fascinating to me.
I went searching through the closet for those old books on Orthodoxy that my uncle sent me twenty years ago. I've been divorced. I've moved several times. Were they lost?? I lost so many things in that divorce. They were buried in a box. I still had them.
When my grandfather was in his late 70's and 80's I made the two hour trip to his house every Easter (Orthodox Easter). We would get up at night and make the long journey to Sacramento to a Russian Orthodox Church. To me the whole thing was very spiritual though I still didn't speak Russian. I would take my grandfather to the service, meditate on the icons, and contemplate Christ.
I did this for about ten years in a row. Now that he's gone I really miss it.
Because both my mom and step mom were Catholic I also have a respect for their faith. I've had a strange life with exposure to all three major branches of Christianity. When your mom is Catholic you end up getting a taste of that as well. She used to take me to the Catholic service and say "I don't care what your father says".
Lately I've been avidly reading the scriptures. Up to this point I've just said God isn't a politician and neither am I. At some point I will re-immerse into Orthodoxy. I have somewhat of a loyalty conflict because I like this church I currently attend.
An Orthodox church to me does seem more sacred. I like the idea of apostolic succession. It would be cool to sit down and have a no holds barred rap session with an Orthodox priest. I've been experimenting with the Jesus Prayer. I've always had an interest in the "mysterious" aspect of religion. I'm a stock broker by trade. My mind can race. Contemplative prayer is something that I'm finding helps me.
It's interesting because I have a loyalty to the faith of my birth but also, I can see, the Protestants aren't wrong on everything. The Protestants know their Bible and also the Protestant reformation needed to happen.
One part of Protestanism that I don't like is the lack of art work in the churches. Recently I read about how the painter of the icon is supposed to live a spiritual life.
The assistant pastor at my church has some icons on the wall. I was surprised he had them and he was surprised that I knew what they were. I remember the old pastors look of surprise when he heard that my background was Eastern Orthodoxy. I guess it's not very common around here.
I'm not trying to sound like a judge of all churches. I'm no judge. I'm sincerely trying to practice a Christian life and still have an interest in the faith of my roots.
Peace to all.
Prodigal7
Prodigal7, your post in a few of my threads here have been such a blessing.
i'm younger so i won't say i can relate but i just want to say thank you for sharing your story because i'm glad i'm not the only one that has a similiar experience in the faith...outside of divorce and such.
this past thursday when i sat with the priest, i felt i had a no hold bars session with the priest. i admitted to the priest that this was my last chance before i give up on church.
i asked questions and just listened to him talk about the church. he went on and on with explaining the church, the icons, Mary and such. i loved every minute of it. he apologized for going on and on and i said no it's ok, going on and on is a lot better than just answering a question and that be it.
i wasn't raised anything really. my dad was raised methodist and then became atheist and is now a Christian who attends the Luthern Church. my mother was raised Baptist but is now out of church completely and struggles with her faith. to which now the conclusion is more of the liberal side of Christianity. i know many of the spokesperson (i beg all of you to not respond solely to my response on this point if anyone responds) people cannot stand, but i have to admit, it was the one thing that saved my faith or saved the desire to keep on searching. thus here i am. as i admitted to the priest, i figure it's time to restart so why not go back to the beginnings?
when i was younger, i came to the faith through the pentecostal church. then it went to the friends church, then to a more calvinistic setting church (Reformed Congregationalist), back to the friends church, then back to the pentecostal church and then to various of churches ranging from just typical protestant types of churches to the more post-modern movement ministry an hour north of me. i find it ironic how the minister of that post-modern movement whom is a friend of mine as well, the ministry has basically disbanded into home cell groups and he himself has visited an Eastern Orthodox Church. i miss him seeing him as much as i used to. he struggles in his faith as well, but such a great man of God, and someone that is a peer of mine. (sorry didn't mean to get off-tracked
)
now outside of the Friends Church and the post-modern movemnt ministry i was going to, i think my own spiritual life was lead to confusion. out of how many denominations and sects of specific denominations proclaiming truth above all other denominations, the conclusion was a fed up feeling with Christianity. the baggage of human beings passing judgement let alone to non-Christians but Christians themselves while contradicting every other body of believers' beliefs has, even still, lead to Christianity being like a distasteful bite of food in my mouth that i just want to spit out and get rid of because it is making me sick, which leads me to my next point.
i told the priest as well when he asked me the reasons why i'm interested into Orthodoxy is because(i worded it differently i believe but to address my point and reasoning i'll say it in other words for our conversation) how tired i am of believeing if it doesn't produce a human being that is striving to be godly and to be the best human being that i'm meant to be...as God created us. i told the priest that heaven and hell doesn't matter to me. that is all in God's hands and i want salvation now. 13 years of believeing has led me to a DUI, (i didn't tell the next part to Father Mark) adultery, irresponsible living and then i admitted to Father Mark, that the DUI was the wakeup call. i remember talking to my dad about my DUI because he was really concerned for me for awhile because of how he used to drink and how similiar i was becoming like how he was in the past, and i told him, "dad you don't know what it's like to be handcuffed for driving drunk when your suppossedly a "man of God"" (i said it in more crass language...my dad and i are really open with each other but i don't want to break the rules of CF.)
so i admitted next to the priest that for me, Protestantism hasn't lead me to good, holy living. it's always concerned for heaven or hell and not for the here and now, or at least that is how it seemed/seems to me and how i'm looking at the church in the hope that the church has powerful truth to offer that radically changes your life. if i'm to believe in the Trinity, Jesus, God and all that, it has to have powerful changing aspects to it beyond than just "believeing" in something.
the outcome of the discussion was actually me hating to leave. he talked openly to me, so kindly, humbly but affirming the Eastern Orthodox faith, so much grace and humility and it was so nice to shake hands with someone, look them in the eye and say "God Bless You". it's been YEARS since i have done that and for some reason it had a slight affect on me even still.
i hate thinking i can give advice to someone that is older than me. seems disresepctful and what life changing can a 25 year old give? but i advise to have a no holds bar discussion with a priest. if you do i sure hope it helps with all you've been through in your life and the church but i know for me it did wonders. to sit there and talk to someone who isn't passing judgement on you and just listen, affirm the church's tradition with peace, grace, kindness, joy and to just shake hands as he's truly a brother in Christ who is just a sinner like yourself trying to be the best man of God he can i must admit is something i have only experienced in the faith on rare occassions...and 99 percent of those times wasn't in a church to say the least.
God Bless you!
