Oprah's show has me thinking....

[WrightWife]

Do you think your spouse showed their total self before you got married?

How did marriage cause you and your spouses "true colors" to shine in constrast to the "colors" you saw before getting married?

What "real world" advice (good and bad) would you give to a new enagaged person you know?

 

[Linnis]

Personally from the last half of it(watching it while cooking) I am annoyed. None of these marriages are Christian marriages, it's all about the secular ideals of marriage. I think if those couples had apprached marriage from a more Christian approach, they'd have realised it's a lot different than they think.

My DH and I are the same as we we're during our dating and Engagement. We knew eachother totally before our engagement and I'm very glad we made that # 1.

 

[Million Pieces]

We absolutely didn't. We have recently been able to talk about it and confess to some things that have been annoying us about the other all these years. We were both too young and immature to marry when we did.

I suppose my best advice to an engaged or dating couple would be to "season" with a person. Don't make life decisions with this person until you have seen their behaviour over the course of a full year.

I'd say a person should know and be willing to accept the answers to these questions. How does this person deal with/handle:

Money Whether in debt or in excess.

The opposite sex. Not in a sexual manner, but in relationships. How does that young man relate to his mother or sisters? Female coworkers?

Temper. Is s/he prone to rages, or do they show little to no emotion at all? Both of those can be very damaging.

Disappointment. Does she fly into rages? Does he withdraw? Does she blame everyone else but herself? Does he internalize it unneccessarily?

 

[jusluvm]

Oh my, yes! My DH did show his true colors before we were married and specifically told me that he would not change---not for me, not for nothin'! He warned me, and he was true to his word. And I still love this man like crazy and am honestly glad he didn't change.

I know that I changed. I became a mother, a bookkeeper, a maid, a cook (for a picky eater at that), but most importantly, I learned how to depend on my God (and myself) for my happiness and peace---all good things as far as I'm concerned.

My advice:

- Put all your trust in your Heavenly Father first, then your spouse second.

- Don't believe that your spouse will lose the "habits" you don't like at some point in your marriage.

- Don't believe that they won't pick up other "habits" that you won't like.

- You must be able to be happy when you have nothing else except your spouse---no money, no fancy car, no big house---because sometimes, all you have is each other.


(Should say---I didn't see the Oprah show, this is my 2 cents worth. )

 

[JulySheMustFly]

- You must be able to be happy when you have nothing else except your spouse---no money, no fancy car, no big house---because sometimes, all you have is each other.

My husband showed me all the colors good and bad before we married. He had 5 years to do it. I think I did the same for him.

 

[Cordy]

I think my husband and I showed the same colours before and after marriage.

 

[oliveplants]

Dh and I were honest and up front with each other.

My best advice:
Marry someone you can live with the rest of your life if they remain exactly as they are now. Marry someone who is willing to change.

 

[WrightWife]

#1- No, but I thought I'd seen them bc I'm a pretty good color investigator.

#2- Marriage forced him to realize I loved him enough to vow myself to him and therefore he could relax. He'd never really been able to do that. In contrast, I'm pretty much a glass pane....I show all my colors everyday.

#3- I would share something I heard but didn't take to heart. Imagine your spouses worst traits and worst day in life lasting for a month and you live in a box with them the entire time and you can't get out. Would you want to live there? It's a worst case scenario but it's realistic. Murphy's Law can and does still happen.

 

[llghoney]

I have to say what Lance Armstrong's ex-wife said was soooooooooo true!!! Everything she said from putting God first to keeping who you are in the marriage as well as being a couple.

 

[WrightWife]

I have to say what Lance Armstrong's ex-wife said was soooooooooo true!!! Everything she said from putting God first to keeping who you are in the marriage as well as being a couple.

I agree!

 

[mlukas]

Do you think your spouse showed their total self before you got married?

How did marriage cause you and your spouses "true colors" to shine in constrast to the "colors" you saw before getting married?

What "real world" advice (good and bad) would you give to a new enagaged person you know?

I think if you date someone long enough ( a year and a half or longer) their "true colors" will invariably show. I'm not a big fan of short engagements and whirlwind romances, it's far too easy for one or both people to maintain an all is well facade for a short time.
My wife and I were really good friends before we even started dating. We both knew from day one what we were in for So there were no real surprises once we got married.
Advice? See my first paragraph. Date for at LEAST a year before even considering bringing up the topic of marriage. And keep in mind that whatever irritates you about your boyfriend/girlfreind will STILL irritate you once you are married. So be sure you can live with it forever
And don't expect the ring to magically change them. They are who they are: good, bad, and everything inbetween.

 

[seamonster]

My DH and I are the same as we we're during our dating and Engagement. We knew eachother totally before our engagement and I'm very glad we made that # 1.

This is exactly how my husband and I were, too, which is why we had no problem with a short engagement. No "hidden flaws" or "bad habits" came out after the wedding day. We pretty much knew each other completely.

 

[Ashlynn]

Personally from the last half of it(watching it while cooking) I am annoyed. None of these marriages are Christian marriages, it's all about the secular ideals of marriage. I think if those couples had apprached marriage from a more Christian approach, they'd have realised it's a lot different than they think.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. I was more than annoyed with Oprah's holier than thou "That's exactly why I didnt get married" comment. Does she shack up with her BF?
And she just seemed to want to beat into those young women that they just shouldnt get married- like a "come join me!" thing.
Grrr.
It would seem to me that someone as "whole" as she proclaims to be, would know that you can be married, and be yourself completely, and all the time.
Kristen Armstrong mentioned that there must be a way, but Oprah just kinda steamrolled her.
God first is that way.
I would say that at the begining of our dating, I felt a little coy to be my true self around my husband, but then I got terribly ill, and found I could not be anyone/thing but me, and the same happened for him, he couldnt pretend to be something he wasnt. We prayed together more and we got closer, and stonger in God.
My illness was our blessing.

 

[Jocristian]

My wife is pretty much the same as when we were dating. She is a very open person. Its funny because when I get aggravated or frustrated with the way she is sometimes she always says "you knew what you were getting into with me". LOL

 

[Amélie Unbound]

I don't watch Oprah, so I didn't see the show that's being discussed.

But anyway, yes, my husband showed me his "true colours" before we were married. He is the same now as he always was. I like his colours.

And I personally made a point of not putting on any pretenses with him. I wanted him to know who I really was. While we were dating, I came right out and told him about all my flaws. I needed him to accept me, flaws and all, otherwise there was no point in moving forward in our relationship.

Also, we knew each other for three years before we got married, so we definitely knew each other really well by then.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Haven't read replies and I missed the Armstrong part (can anyone feel me in on what she said and why they divorced)

Anyway Oprah's bias showed BIG time yesterday. Even tho she kept trying to say she wasn't anti-marriage so ppl wouldn't write to her, she was basically just doing lipservice when she said that. Maybe she was in a bad mood yesterday..since she did appear 'moody'

 

[Telrunya]

My advice it premarital counciling that lasts for atleast 3 months.

My wife and I were very good friends before we became a couple and were very upfront with each other. During our counciling the councilor was amazed at how much we already knew about each other and what we each expected out of the other. Still the counciling would have brought alot of things to light that alot of couples dont think to ask before getting married and if you have asked and really gotten to know your prospective spouse really well then it is very affirming that you are getting off on the right foot.

 

[Carri20]

Do you think your spouse showed their total self before you got married?

How did marriage cause you and your spouses "true colors" to shine in constrast to the "colors" you saw before getting married?

What "real world" advice (good and bad) would you give to a new enagaged person you know?

Yes. God blessed me with an honest man who wears his heart on his sleeve and believes in total transparency. Because of this I was also able to "be myself" around him, and by the time we were married we both knew exactly who we were. There haven't been any surprises.

No contrast. Same shades.

That's easy.. PRAY. Some people don't believe in asking God to lead them to their best match. They think they should rely on their own knowledge, wisdom, and feelings to find a spouse. But only God knows who your Adam or Eve is. I almost married the wrong person 3 years ago and now I'm married to God's best match for me.. And let me tell you.. Through that experience I found out what "contrast" really looks like!

 

[whatseekye]

I suppose my best advice to an engaged or dating couple would be to "season" with a person. Don't make life decisions with this person until you have seen their behaviour over the course of a full year.

Good advice. I would add "Don't get engaged or make any plans for marriage until one year has passed" because, unfortunately, when people start planning a wedding, they only think of the wedding and stop thinking about the reality of being married.

 

[WrightWife]

Anyway Oprah's bias showed BIG time yesterday. Even tho she kept trying to say she wasn't anti-marriage so ppl wouldn't write to her, she was basically just doing lipservice when she said that. Maybe she was in a bad mood yesterday..since she did appear 'moody'

I agree she had a bias but it's her show so that happens often. I did feel she kept saying,"that's why I didn't get married and neither should you." I just ignored it bc that's a given in her universe.