[Open] Support thread for non-punitive households (Please NO DEBATE)

Actually, just want to add:

We are moving countries in a couple of months and the new start that creates for us all is a good opportunity to introduce some new and better 'systems' in our home e.g. in relation to chore-sharing, relationships (e.g. toy sharing), rules for mealtimes, bedtime routines etc.

If any of you have anything that works particularly well (bearing in mind mine are 2 and 4) I'd love to hear about it.

Thank you!

What are normal naptimes for a baby 3-7 months? how long would your babies sleep at that age and around what point in the day?

I read the book Grace Based Parenting by tim Kimmel..

has anyone read that book?

Leanna said:

What are normal naptimes for a baby 3-7 months? how long would your babies sleep at that age and around what point in the day?

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If memory serves:

15-20 minute power nap in the morning

2-3 hours over lunch time / early afternoon

power nap late pm

But after trying to force younger DS into a routine to everyone's misery I now think that it is best to let the baby decide, as long as that deosn't mean baby party all night!!! We needs our , esp. with other kids running around

Leanna said:

What are normal naptimes for a baby 3-7 months? how long would your babies sleep at that age and around what point in the day?

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Noelle (5 mo.) takes nap #1 about 2 hrs. after waking, sleeps 45 min. - 1 hr. Up 2 hrs. again then ~1.5-2 hr. nap. She will sometimes take a catnap in the early evening.

Andy has days where he sleeps tons...but it is all still very random. It normally doesn't settle into a two nap pattern until 6-9 months...

I thought they usually take 3 naps right now. She's unpredictable

Most of my kids have been cat nappers until around 8 months..

What's the natural and logical consequence for hitting your baby brother? The only things I can come up with are definitely punitive.

AmyR00 said:

What's the natural and logical consequence for hitting your baby brother? The only things I can come up with are definitely punitive.

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Well, I suppose it depends on the ages of the kids you're dealing with, but with my 2 year old and 5 month old, if the 2 year old gets too rough or hits I tell her that what she did was wrong, and I ask her to give a gentle touch and say sorry. If she does not feel like doing those things, then I tell her she is not allowed to play with the baby until she can be more gentle, and physically remove one or the other of them from the situation.

AmyR00 said:

What's the natural and logical consequence for hitting your baby brother? The only things I can come up with are definitely punitive.

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Preventative and active here.....

First, whenever I can I catch it before it happens so that he doesn't pounce on her, I put her in a place close to where I am for that reason.... I channel his energy as much as possible so that he isn't bored and energetic with nothing better to do than to pounce Maya (he likes her but thinkgs that pouncing on her would be fun).

When he does manage to get there fast I give the injured party the most attention by talking to Maya and cuddling her and I tell David that was wrong, he is to be gentle, but I minimize the attention he gets for it (since children prefer negative attention rather than none at all). I also resist the urge to say don't pounce her from across the room more than once. I say it once (already preparing to move that direction), if he goes to do it, I am instantly removing him from the situation. I do not want to participate in a battle of wills where he does it over and over and while I stand across the room and threaten and then punish him.

When this happens in our house I talk to the offender saying "No hitting. Hitting hurts, We use gentle touches (and I take their hand and show them gentle touches). Can you show me gentle touches? Ohhh! That's good, I bet that feels so nice to baby!"

As with everything it takes repetition and consistency- but it works!

I am pretty new to this thread, We are currently in a VERy difficult spot. We started out as non punitive but have strayed, from that out of sheer frustration.

DD is very sensitive all it takes is a "look" and to say her name to redirect her behavior and she usually strats crying if she thinks she may have done somthing "wrong"

DS is very stubborn and seems to always be into everything, slightly destructive and I dunno... basically what everyone tells me is "normal" for a boy well no amount of re directing or scolding stops him from doing dangerous/un desireable things such as kicking his sister, running out on to the road , ripping up books etc, this is where we have strayed my poor little guy gets spanked quited regularly and it breaks my heart, however we can't seem to get him to listen to us, as such we feel HORRIBLE because we know that the spankings are breaking his seemingly indomitable spirit and making him an angry child but we don't know how to fix it any ideas?

beccasmommy said:

I am pretty new to this thread, We are currently in a VERy difficult spot. We started out as non punitive but have strayed, from that out of sheer frustration.

DD is very sensitive all it takes is a "look" and to say her name to redirect her behavior and she usually strats crying if she thinks she may have done somthing "wrong"

DS is very stubborn and seems to always be into everything, slightly destructive and I dunno... basically what everyone tells me is "normal" for a boy well no amount of re directing or scolding stops him from doing dangerous/un desireable things such as kicking his sister, running out on to the road , ripping up books etc, this is where we have strayed my poor little guy gets spanked quited regularly and it breaks my heart, however we can't seem to get him to listen to us, as such we feel HORRIBLE because we know that the spankings are breaking his seemingly indomitable spirit and making him an angry child but we don't know how to fix it any ideas?

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Your situation is exactly why I feel like I have to be careful in giving too much advice--we only have one and we feel like we're doing a pretty good job. But who knows? Every child is different.

This must be hard. Can you share some of the other things you've done, in what situations? That might help people to come up with suggestions. There are some pretty wise mamas on this board, so I hope someone can help!

beccasmommy said:

DS is very stubborn and seems to always be into everything, slightly destructive and I dunno... basically what everyone tells me is "normal" for a boy well no amount of re directing or scolding stops him from doing dangerous/un desireable things such as kicking his sister, running out on to the road , ripping up books etc, this is where we have strayed my poor little guy gets spanked quited regularly and it breaks my heart, however we can't seem to get him to listen to us, as such we feel HORRIBLE because we know that the spankings are breaking his seemingly indomitable spirit and making him an angry child but we don't know how to fix it any ideas?

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That's how my son is too, he is "strong willed" or spirited. As such I keep a tight reign and strict boundaries where necessary but in smaller things less rules. It takes a lot of patience sometimes.

We pick our battles very carefully around my house I let my son be a BOY and try to give him free reign as long as he is acting in love... not being desrtuctive, hurting his sister, being rude to mom and dad BUT he can have these times when like the other night we put him to bed and he was angry so he tore up a book and when I asked him why he said "I was just looking" (tiny little pieces of his book piled neatly on the bed so I could find it) It is really hard to not compare him with his sister, at his age she was starting to read and to write etc, whereas he is just starting to eat properly with utensils, we are getting him checked with a Ped to see if there is a reason he seems so behind in his "understanding" abilities ( he was a 27 week preemie)

beccasmommy said:

like the other night we put him to bed and he was angry so he tore up a book and when I asked him why he said "I was just looking"

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That made me giggle.... I mean that probably is why he tore it up... I don't think there's always a lot of rational thought involved.... we talk about being nice to books, and at one point last winter he had a stage where he would start to tear a page as we read. After saying "no, be nice to books" a number of times, I just took every book with pages and put them away in the closet. A month later I got them back out and we haven't had any problems. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I also don't leave out the crayons or other art supplies so he doesn't get any unsupervised inspiration. I really don't think these strange behaviors are in defiance just insatiable curiosity and they don't think about the end product while they are doing it. My mother in law always tells the story of the time my husband dumped baby powder all over himself and his sister and the whole room. His parents were spankers and punitive, so I don't think that is the issue here.

I unfortunately cannot take away the books because he shares a room with his sister until we move to our new house.

I'm new to this part of CF. I have an adopted 4-year-old son who came to us when he was 16 months old. He had a lot of developmental delays and he's had a lot of catching up to do. Then he was diagnosed with leukemia just after his 3rd birthday. He's doing very well and is finally looking and acting like a normal little boy. He's very stubborn, strong willed, and just plain strong. Lately, when he doesn't get his way, he kicks, hits, and throws whatever is handy. Time outs don't work if he's out the door and I have to chase him all over the neighborhood. I'm going to try some of the suggestions above. I'm willing to try whatever works. Last night he got out of bed to go potty and dumped soap into daddy's aquarium while he was up. He knows he's not supposed to touch the aquarium. Goldfish don't like bubble baths. Today he helped daddy bury the fish (they were BIG fish) but we don't think he understands what he did, even though he saw the sick and later dead fish. We're trying to figure out if he did it because he was mad at daddy because daddy wouldn't let "Dennis" go visit "Mr. Wilson", our neighbor, after supper last night.

My mom had a 3-bite rule. We had to eat 3 bites of whatever was served. If we were still hungry and didn't like what was served (we were a bunch of picky eaters), she said you know where the peanut butter is. But also, if we didn't eat what was served, no dessert and no snacks until the next meal. We learned to eat what was on the table. She used that rule when we were a little older, when we had started school. With my son, I try to give him small portions, but right now he's in the "do it myself" and likes to serve himself. I refuse to fix him something different, but I do often ask him what he'd like to have when planning a meal. When we had foster kids (school age), each child was assigned a night of the week to choose what was for supper. We gave them guidelines so the meal would be reasonably healthy, and they had to decide what they wanted so we'd have whatever in the house--no last minute trips to the grocery store or menu changes.

I feel like I'm learning my parenting skills out of order, because we had school age kids (I've been through learning-to-read 4 times in the last 3 years), then toddlers, but pre-schoolers are a whole 'nother story. No other kids, adoption was the only option--long story. My son's a delight, but he's also making me crazy.

latebloomer

Mine have started fighting occasionally. The younger one can beat up the older one though! Partly that's a psychological victory - older DS is sensitive and will cry if he gets hit, younger one is more bulldozer like! I feel I am entering an extra-hard work stage right now, as I try to teach them both how to be nice to each other.

Sorry, that's just how I feel right now. DH is about to start work abroad, I'm staying to finish the school year so I have to manage my work during hectic exam time and the kids and I just have this sense that all pro-activity, patience and other good things are about to fly out the window. Especially if they don't listen. Boy, does that drive me up the wall!!!


Do any of your kids fight each other? Like over toys? What do you do?