Older man with Asperger

[Roman57]

I am originally from Russia. I came to US when I was 14, and right now I am 44 years old. I was born Jewish and I came to Jesus when I was 22. After coming to Jesus I was Messianic, meaning I follow Jewish laws and go to Messianic congregations, but do it in the name of Jesus. I wanted to be a physicist since I was 9 years old. I learned calculus at 12 and I was attending college math and college physics while in high school (college math was upper division). I then was taking graduate classes in college. However, when I started graduate school I fell behind because I wasn't used to things not making total sense (since everything used to be easy for me prior to that). So I finished my first ph.d in physics at the age of 29, which is pretty late especially considering to how I used to be ahead. Then I went to India and did some postdocs. And then I came back to US and I started a second phD in math at the age of 36 and I graduated at the age of 43, which is a year ago. I taught part time last year but I lost that job (due to teaching in a way that students got confused) so right now I am at my mom's house looking for jobs. My salary was always low. As a grad student, it was around 1800/month. As a postdoc, since it was in India, it was only 420/month (India is cheap). And when I was teaching part time last year it was also around 1800/month. I am not good with counting money so I kept spending a lot more than I was making and was relying on my mom to pay my bills, who is now retired.

I have Asperger Syndrome. My voice is naturally loud and monotone. I have thick Russian accent (a lot thicker than would be expected given that I moved to the US 30 years ago). I forget to brush my hair, cut my nails, tuck in my shirt, etc. I used to forget to take a shower as well, but now I am better at remembering that part. I also forget to wash my clothes. I have never been married and I have Asperger Syndrome. I really wanted a woman ever since I was 21 but, due to Asperger, I have been making a lot of social mistakes that resulted in me never been married. I had three long-term girlfriends (one that I had from age 23 to age 24, the other I had from age 27 to age 29, the third I had from age 33 to age 34) but I met all three of them online, and it took tremendous amount of searching to find them. And none of them were the ones that I liked, I was simply settling on them.

Now, as far as when it didn't work with other women, I remember being puzzled as to what did I say wrong, etc. But now I realize that it could have been something much simpler that never occurred to me. Its not that I "said" something wrong, its that I was forgetting to take a shower and comb my hair. Nobody wants to be with the slob. Also, my voice is naturally loud and monotone. And when people hear me talk in a loud voice, it comes across as aggressive even if I don't mean it to be. Now, not talking loudly and combing my hair were the stuff my parents nagged me about since I was a teenager. But you see, they never told me that this relates to women not talking to me. So I thought there were two separate things. On the one hand, women don't talk to me because I did/say something wrong, and on the other hand there is that irrelevancy of my parents nagging me about my voice and brushing my hair. I didn't realize that the two are related.

The other thing I realized now that I didn't realize back then is that its not true that "none" of the women tried to talk to me. When I was young, there were very rare occasions when they did, but I missed out on them. But now that I am old, I no longer have those rare opportunities. Here are the rare examples from my youth:

a) When I was 19 years old, I was at a university library looking for books for my research project. I had a whole lot of books that I accidentally dropped. Four girls rushed to me and helped me pick up those books

b) Again when I was 19, I was sitting on the computer playing chess. There were two secretaries that were sitting nearby. One of them said to the other "I like it. The semester is over, we got to play chess". I liked that she referred to me as "we" so she at least regarded me as human, in contrast to most people.

c) When I was 22, I was studying in my office till very late at night and, on my way home, I would go to the grocery store to buy some food so that I can eat it before I go to bed. A cashier kept trying to talk to me. I would give her short answers in order to end the conversation since I wanted to go to bed. Yet she kept trying to talk multiple times. Then one of those days she said to her male coworker "I am in love with that guy". He asked "who?" She said "comes here, never talks". Then I was puzzled ever since as to whether she was referring to me or not.

d) Similarly, when I was 25, I was coming home past midnight and buying food at Jimmy Jones. A particular woman at Jimmy Jones kept trying to talk to me (and one of those times they even called her over because I came so she can talk) but again I was brushing her off. She was teasing me over making the same order. And then one day she said she is going off to graduate school in another state but she said she will remember my order.

e) When I was 24, I came to Hillel (I am Jewish by birth but I came to believe in Jesus as an adult -- and I am not telling about Jesus when I go to Hillel). So there were three girls that tried asking me some questions. But I realized I was getting late to my meeting with my thesis advisor so I was giving them short answers in order to get to my meeting. They didn't realize it, they probably thought I was shy. The last question they asked was "how does it feel like to be surrounded by girls". I don't even remember how I answered it.

f) When I was 24, I walked into a natural food store and asked for the supplements that would improve my social skills. Two women tried to both help me with suggestions trying to find something. Then, after I bought those supplements they suggested, one of them said "don't worry it will all work out". And then she said that if I ever feel lonely I should come there and they will talk to me. And then the two of them actually started to start a conversation with me, but I gave her short answers and left because I was getting late to the Bible studies

g) Speaking of the Bible studies, I remember one occasion when I came few minutes early and a couple of women tried to talk to me. But I dismissed them with short answers because I was about to listen to the bible studies.

Now, keeping in mind that those examples were probably the only ones in my life, it is not a lot. They were more exceptions rather than the rule. The rule is that the vast majority of people would never talk to me and would never even say hello to me. That was the case when I was young too. The difference between being young and being old is that, when I was young, 99,9% of people didn't talk to me but 0.1% tried to. But now that I am old, 100% of people don't talk to me. So, when I was young, I didn't really care about 0.1% since I was focused on the 99.9% But now that I am old, I see how this 0.1% could have made a big difference but, alas, its too late: I no longer have that 0.1% To give illustration that I am not simply reading into things, when I was 21 I was declined the participation in Birthright Israel Trip because I didn't get along socially at Hillel (I ended up going on a different Birthright Israel Trip at the age of 26 through a different state). There were a lot of other examples when people found me annoying, particularly when I was asking to help with my homework without engaging with them in other ways. But, prior to the age of 21, I wasn't taking it personally. Then at the age of 21 when I was declined participation in Birthright Israel trip I took it personally and, ever since then, I noticed how nobody talks to me and how much it hurts.

Now, why is it that 99.9% of people didn't talk to me when I was young? Because of my Asperger. But, as mentioned earlier, maybe big part of it is the simple stuff like not brushing my hair and having loud voice. Therefore, here are my two big regrets:

A. I regret that I didn't pay attention to brushing my hair and voice volume when my parents (among many others) were telling me to

B. I regret that I didn't reciprocate the little attention I did receive in the examples above

And this brings me to the main topic of this thread. So now I finally realized A and B, lets say I do make those two changes (to be honest, I haven't changed A, but what if I will?) Would it help me? No, because of my age. I can change A (I haven't so far, but I can), yet I don't have any opportunity with B. The only women that can possibly be interested in me are 40+, so most of them are divorced and Jesus said marrying divorced women is adultery and most women my age are divorced (and I do want to marry and have kids otherwise I wont feel fulfilled). But, apart from that, I also feel like I missed out on the best time of my life. I still would never know what its like to date a woman in her 20-s (yes I dated my three ex-s, but they were NOT like most women, which is the reason why they dated me to begin with).

Given the above, I would like to understand the logic of why older men are seen as creepy. First of all, let me present some arguments that I heard, along with my counter-arguments. And then I want to see if you can counter my counter-arguments.

1) They say that older men manipulate younger women. But the question is why are older men more likely to manipulate younger women? The answer is financially. Now, if that is the case, then this would logically imply that among the men that are the same age women would prefer the ones that are poor over the ones that are rich so that they can't manipulate them. But that is not what we see. Conversely, if this was the reason, then women would be fine dating older men that are poor (since poor men can't manipulate them) but thats not what we see either. More strikingly, if we take older men that are rich, then women can date them "despite" the fact that they are old "because" they are rich. This shows that correlation between age and wealth is not the reason. And, if not, then how exactly older men would manipulate them?

2) They say that older men that pursue younger women are shallow because they look at the age as the primary factor. But, by the same logic, younger women who avoid older men are likewise shallow since they also look at age as primary factor. Now, I realize that women aren't saying "hey I will date this random guy because he is young". Youth is a necessary factor but not sufficient: they also have other things in common with the specific young guy they choose to date. But then, by the same logic, maybe an older man who wants to date younger woman also sees other things in common with her? What we have in both cases is age being "an" important factor. So why is it, on one case the person is shallow and in the other case they aren't?

3) One way to answer Point 2 is that older men are at a different stage in life. But then what about my situation when I was between schools/postdocs up until last year and am still looking for job?

4) They say that older men are sexually perverted. But, biologically speaking, the sex hormones would be higher at a younger age. So why is it older men are more sexually perverted than younger ones?

5) They say women won't date older men because their friends and family won't approve. But that just leads to the question why wouldn't they approve? Which would take us right back to trying to answer 1-4.

And also here is a separate question. If you look at those examples from when I was young, not all of them were romantic. An example "f" probably wasn't. So lets say they aren't sexually attracted to older men: nobody can help sexual attraction. But why am I not encountering situations such as "f" now that I am old (keep in mind: I endountered "f" when I was 24)? I mean, straight women aren't attracted to other straight women. Yet they are clearly supportive of them. So why can't they be supportive of older men despite not being attracted to them? So what it seems like is that they don't see older men as human beings. So when I was 24 and they weren't attracted to me (in example f), I was still a human being, so they were still supportive of me. But now that I am 44, I am no longer a human being, so women avoid even talking to me much less saying anything supportive.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do want a romantic relationship and marriage. The reason I brought up friendship is that something is better than nothing. Contrary to popular stereotype, what I am looking in a romantic relationship is not sex but rather an emotional bond with a woman. And that aspect of it can be fulfilled in friendship too. Now, there are other aspects of romantic relationship that friendship won't fulfill. For example, it would help my self esteem to know that I am "the" person a woman chose rather than being just one of several. And also I would like to marry and have kids. But at least having some friends would be better than not having anything at all.

Besides, the fact that they don't even want to be friends with me suggests the reason why they might not be interested in other things either. Like could it be that the ROOT of the problem is the fact that they assume older men are not human, and then the logical consequences of that is that they can neither be friends with them not date them? And being religated to a subhuman status is a lot more painful than being deprived of dating or friendship.

Speaking of older men not being human, this brings me to the other topic. So, if you look at "4", there is that idea that older men are sexually perverted. Now, I agree, sexual perverts are not human. Because I don't understand what they are doing even from the selfish point of view. As mentioned a bit earlier, what I want from women is emotional connection. Logically speaking, sexual harassment won't bring emotional connection: exact opposite in fact. Thus, there is no selfish/logical reason I would ever want to sexually harass a woman. The fact that other men do that implies that they don't have a need for emotional connection. They only want sex. And that is something I would never understand. If I want to have a nice sensual experience, I can always go eat some nice food or something. I don't understnad why men would sacrifice their whole life (by risking going to jail for example) just for one-time sex that doesn't bring emotional fulfillment anyway. So the fact that they do it means they are subhuman since they don't have human needs such as emotional connection with a woman OR staying out of jail: they just want sex. The only problem is that I am not one of them so why do women assume that I am?

And then if we look at the guys that don't do the criminal stuff, then there is the other stuff that doesn't make sense. I read on the internet that there is a tendency for the guys to have sex and then dump a woman. That makes no sense either. Again, I want emotional connection with a woman, not sex. So why dump her? And since sex is supposed to bring people closer, it makes no sense why sex would trigger a guy to dump the girl (the exact opposite to what sex is designed to do)?

By the way, as a Christian, I don't believe in sex before marriage. But I was purposely looking at it from secular viewpoint because I am trying to understand the logic of it.

So could it be something along the following lines. "Some" men are subhuman. Women don't know who those "some men" are: nobody is a mind reader. But, being emotionally wired, they assume that those men have to be unattractive ones. Which of course is not true, but its a human nature to lump all the unpleasant things together. And so they assume unattractive men are the ones that are "only after sex", "want to use/dump them" (even though logically speaking sexual attractiveness should not be correlated to this). And, since older men are less attractive, thats why they blame older men on this.

Still though it is not totally it either. I mean, fat men are not attractive either. Yet, between younger guy who is fat and older guy of normal weight, it is the older guy of normal weight that has to bear that stereotype.

And then the other thing I was mentioning that I didn't get to yet is the whole thing about the way I dress. So here is a question: why do people judge me based on whether or not I remembered to brush my hair? Do they assume there is a genetic correlation between personality and hair stype? As in, the genes that would make hair go unruly are the same genes that would make a person to have a bad character? But if thats what they assume, then why don't they think that THEY are bad people since their hair is unruly when they just got out of bed before they brushed it? Or are they thinking they ARE bad people but they are "Cheating" by brushing their own hair, and they don't realize that everyone else "Cheats" the same way, kind of like in the tale of naked emperor?

 

[DragonFox91]

My honest opinion is Aspergers is just something people use to categorize each other. Parents are quick to do that when they don’t understand their child. They got married at 22, largely had the same types of friends, then when they have a child who’s a bit off, they need a label on the child b/c they don't know what they're doing, the child is diagnosed at 2 b/c when you're 2 they think they think they know that. Doctors profit off it. 'Oh kid likes video games, that means they're autistic.' It’s just something largely designed to hold people back or stereotype people they don’t understand. Yeah, there’s some extreme cases, but you don’t seem to fall on that at all. Don’t let whatever lable people attach to you definie you. If you’re Christian you’re identity is in Christ, you’re a descendent of Adam or you’re a descendent of Christ. Everyone has quirks and is off some. Everyone struggles with things. Everyone can be the awkward person, if they’re not, they’re not putting themselves in harder and harder sitatuations.

So you struggle with women, so what. A lot of people struggle w/ women & they’re married! There’s a saying every man is autistic, it’s just the level they are. Heck, you’ve had 3 long-term girlfriends, you’re fine. You get lots of interest, yeah, not as much as you'd like but you’re not trying to date every girl in the world, you only want one, right?

Anyways you seem to do good job not letting it define you, and that's really really good. I've seen the opposite.

It sounds like you have a lot to talk about, no offense, you’d be easy to meet, would’t have to worry about it getting boring. You’re very introspective & analytic, very smart, can help a girl out with problems, you recognize problems you have & aren’t afraid of them. You're trying to change some recognizing what you're doing isn't working. You want one for the right reasons. You are fine. Heck, you're a teacher? That's amazing, dude. You have some sort of teaching talent. And that's amazing, hard to come by, lot of patience required for that.

In regards to all your questions: there’s no right or wrong way. It’s love. And that has no boundaries. I’ve seen every type married. Fat, skinny, awkward, old, ‘loser,’ athletic, gamer, Christian, mental disorder, poor, rich, physical disabilities, boring, exciting, no boundaries. Be true to yourself & Christ & you’ll be fine. Be on lookout for more of those situations you described & be ready to step out. In the meantime what are you doing to try to meet some?

 

[Roman57]

Let me break my reply in 2 parts since the word count doesn't let me post the whole thing. So here is part 1:

My honest opinion is Aspergers is just something people use to categorize each other. Parents are quick to do that when they don’t understand their child.

That is the 21-st century phenomenon, but I was first diagnosed back in 1985 in Russia. Back then the diagnosis of Asperger wasn't available. Instead, what they had was levels of autism. But it was the opposite to what we have now. Right now Level 1 is mild, Level 2 is moderate, Level 3 is severe, but back then Levels 1 and 2 were severe, Levels 3 and 4 were mild. So I was level 3 back in 1985, which translates to Asperger's in todays terminology. That was a question mark diagnosis though.

The first time I was diagnosed without question mark was in 1995, in the US. And it was Asperger's.

Anyway the point is that Asperger is overdiagnosed today, but I was diagnosed long before that.

What happened in 1980-s was that my mom took me to a group of parents with kids that have allergies so that they can have their own kindergarden where they can give kids food that kids are not allergic to. So I didn't get along with those kids, nor with the parent that was watching over them. I wouldn't sleep during day nap, I would try to run away to explore the city where they would take them for walks, etc. So eventually the parent that were watching over them told my mom not to bring me there any more and, instead, she suggested a group for autistic kids ran by Клара Самуиловна Лебединская and I was having sessions there with Баенская Елена Ростиславовна. That was probably the only group for autistic kids that existed back in the 1980-s in Russia and thats where I was diagnosed with "autism level 3" (where like I said levels 3 and 4 are mild while levels 1 and 2 are severe).

That group was not the only place I didn't fit in. I also didn't play with neighbor kids around the appartment block we were living in either. My parents had to specifically invite kids and orchestrate it in order to get me to play with them. And then when I went to school I was bullied a lot. I had only 1 friend in school, Ivan, who was very advanced in math and physics just like me (he also learned calculus at 12) so my friendship with him was based on discussing math, physics and computers. But other than that I had no friends and also kids were bullying me a lot.

When I went to elementary school, I couldn't focus in class so my mom had to get off of work to sit with me. In junior high I was able to be in school without my mom but still my parents had to take me to school and pick me up after school (which is normal in US but not normal in Russia). Also, in junior high, the teacher was taking us to field trips and while other kids would go by themselves, in my case my parents had to accompany me.

Also, most kids are being sent to summer camps. In my case, I went to summer camps only twice. While most kids are being sent by themselves without their parents, in my case I went to those two summer camps with my mom. And also those two summer camps were not the normal camps kids are being sent to. Back in the 1980-s in Russia it was normal to go to "пионерский лагерь" (that is, a camp for pioneers, which is a type of communist youth thing that was actually quite mainstream regardless of political views). In my case, my parents didn't take me there. Instead, the first camp I was my parents took me to was the Russian Orthodox camp by Анатолий Гармаев (I was 7 at the time). I have no idea why my parents would take me there given that they are Jewish, but they did. And then the second summer camp they took me was Тропа by Юрий Устинов (I was around 11 at the time, don't remember which). I looked him up a couple of years ago, and I see he was in jail for paedophilia and yes it was in connection to sexually abusing kids in that camp. No, he didn't sexually abuse me. As far as other kids some people say those charges were false and are politically motivated while others say they are true. I don't have enough information to have my own opinion, but when I read the reports then yes they sound convincing.

But the point is: why did my parents take me to those two camps instead of to normal "пионерский лагерь"? My mom said that most plases did not want me around. This is news to me. I didn't know that. But I guess my parents might have simply not told me about it in order not to hurt my feelings. One example that they DID tell me about was this. At the age of 7, they took me to an interview at an elementary school and one of the questions at the interview was what city do I live in. I said I live in Kharkiv, but actually it was Moscow so they didn't take me. The reason I said I live in Kharkiv is because I had that little game where I would pretend to be in different cities. So I knew I lived in Moscow but I said I lived in Kharkiv beause of my special interest.

Also as I became a teenager I was getting into trouble a lot. For example, like I mentioned I was taking college math and physics throughout high school. So I was coming from one of my university math classes to my high school English class and there was teacher standing talking to some other teacher and I was trying to get to my seat. So I pushed her off the way. As a result she tried to get me expelled from school. They didn't expell me but took me to Special Ed instead.

Also, ever since I was a child I was fascinated with basements. So, when I was taking summer physics course at UC Berkeley back in 1995 (Which was the first university physics course I took and I was 15 at that time) I went to the basement of physics building and started asking questions about different rooms. Someone asked me to leave the building. I left. But then I decided he was a dean. Now I realize its stupid because first of all there is no such thing as a dean of physics department, there is a dean of sciences in general and there is a *chairman* of physics department. And secondly, there is no reason for chairman to go around basements just like that. But anyway, under that false assumption I went to chairmans office to ask whether I am allowed to get back to my physics class (because whoever it was told me I should leave the building and not come back). Now, the door was locked and I was banging at the door. I wasn't trying to be aggressive. The reason I was banging at the door is because I remember, back in Russia, the kids would bang at the classroom's door when the teacher was late. So I didn't realize that what is normal for kids at junior high is not normal at the university. So they called a police on me and removed me from the class. Consequently they didn't let me take university physics until I graduate high school. So I was taking community college physics instead (when I said I took upper division classes while in high school, I was referring to math).

Then, at the age of 17, I came to one of the upper division university math classes I was taking, but I came early. So I was bored and I decided to throw a stone to the roof of the building to see if it can get there. It didn't get all the way to the room and instead it flew through the window. So they called a police on me and, while they let me finish the upper division math classes I was taking that semester, they didn't let me take any math after that. Thankfully the next year was going to be my last year of high school so I wouldn't have time to take any classes anyway since I was behind on my high school work due to the university classes I took prior to that that interfered with my high school classes and I was trying to graduate a year early. Then once I did graduate and was admitted to UC Berkeley as a regular student I could take physics and math just fine.

Then also during my first year of graduate school at the University of Minnesota, at the age of 21, I was a TA, and my recitation session was at 8 AM. Now, one of those days I was doing homework till 5 AM and I put an alarm clock on 7 AM. I dind't hear the alarm clock so I overslept my recitation session. Unfortunately, it just happened to be the exact session I was supposed to give midterm to my students. So I got very agitated and I wrote to them an "apology" email where I used F-words a lot to express how much I am angry at myself. Consequently, because of the combination of missing the exam and sending that email, they didn't let me teach in Minnesota any more. At the age of 24, I transferred from Minnesota to Michigan. But, at Michigan, they didn't let me teach either. They explained to me that they are adults, so they know what to expect, but they are not sure students would be comfortable with me teaching them given my social difficulties.

But keep in mind that my teaching problems in Minnesota started long before that incident with oversleeping the exam. They were telling me from the very beginning that I look at the board instead of at the class, that my voice is too loud and I appear rude especially when students have hard time understanding stuff and so forth.

Also at 21 I went to Hillel at the University of Minnesota, a Jewish club, and there the director approached me that she had 5 complaints about my conversation style being accusitory and also about my hygine. Now in my conversation style, I didn't mean to sound accusitory. I was just desperate to try to carry a conversation. So I would ask what courses you are taking, why are you taking those courses, do you have a homework, how much did you do, why, etc. But the only reason I would ask it is because I don't know what else to ask. What I didn't realize is that they were cutting the conversation short probably because they didn't WANT to talk (perhaps because of my not taking shower or being disheaveled). But since they wouldn't tell me this point blank, I didn't know, so I was stupidly assuming it was me who wasn't creative enough to think of conversation topics.

Then at the age of 26 at the University of Michigan they tried to expell me because I was getting stuck on some ontological questions and wasn't making progress with what they wanted me to do. For example, I had a research project on supersymmetry. Supersymmetry utilizes what is called Grassmann numbers, and they are mathematically counterintuitive. So I wanted to make sense of Grassmann numbers before I could read about supersymmetry. I was thinking I am almost done but then whatever idea I had kept not working so I kept running in circles. Now, the way they tried to expell me is that my advisor, who also happened to be associate chair of graduate studies, refused working with me, and he wrote me a letter saying I would get expelled if I won't find an advisor before June 1, 2006 (he wrote it in January 20, 2006, so I had 5 months or so). But nobody wanted to be my advisor because they spread bad reputation around me. So my mom had to keep flying to Michigan to fight for me. Then she found a retired professor, Marc Ross, who agreed to be my advisor the day before the deadline, so that saved me from getting expelled. So I successfully graduated from Michigan in 2009. But I didn't make connections with others in Michigan the way others make them.

Speaking of Grassmann numbers, I finally DID model them the way that I wanted to, but few years after I graduated from Michigan. The journals kept refusing to publish my model because they couldn't relate to why I had that question on the first place. But finally, in 2020, I got a collaboration that allowed me to publish it (see here Berezin integral as a limit of Riemann sum ) So I am glad that I did. Even though I published 7 different papers, I regard this particular one to be the most important one of all because it means I didn't throw away all those years for nothing. But still, in the retrospect, it would have been better if I were to put it aside until I get tenure track. Because this is precisely what is holding me back: unconventional stuff is hard to publish and they judge whom to offer tenure track largely by the publications. I have 30 papers on arXiv and only 7 of them are published, while people that do get tenure track jobs have 15 or 20 papers published and often more than that. I have 30 on arXiv but like I said arXiv doesn't count as publication. So basically, I would have had a lot more publications if I were to do conventiontional stuff and then AFTER getting tenure track job I could have come BACK to unconventional. But that wasn't the rout I took. And since I took the other rout, it is good I got my Grassmann numbers paper published since that way its not for nothing. By the way, in terms of the 7 papers I do have, they don't generate any interest, which is bad. Since they also judge by citations and I don't get many citations. But in terms of very little interst, I think my causal set papers get slightly more interest than the other ones. But that doesn't change the fact that Grassmann numbers is the one I, personally, am the happiest about. But still: I have to get others to read it before I die so that this idea doesn't die with me.

Then when I was doing my second phd at Unviersity of New Mexico at the age of 37, I again lost teaching because I wrote to my supervisor that I lost all my grades. I then found them few days later but by that time department had their mind made up. I DID end up teach after that, but not as regularly as others teach, and only because my advisor was fighting on my behalf for them to let me teach.

Then at the age of 42 I was also teaching at Central New Mexico Community College where I lost my teaching because I refused to take Covid vaccine and then I had trouble getting the weekly tests by mail on time so because I was busy finding a way to mail in that test I didn't prepare the syllabus. So they took away one of my classes and I was left with 1 class instead of 2. And then that 1 class I was left with, I taught on too high level according to them and also when they watch me teach they saw me making mistakes on the board because I wasn't prepared. But instead of watching me again they took away that class.

And then I taught at Coconino Community College in 2023-2024 and I lost that job because my supervisor wanted me to do group work (as in Thinking Classroom textbook) but it just wasn't working since students just kept guessing so I ended up doing 2/3 group work 1/3 lecturing but it was still too much lecturing according to my supervisor so she removed me from that job.

 

[Roman57]

It didn't let me finish my message because of word count. So here is part 2

So you struggle with women, so what. A lot of people struggle w/ women & they’re married!

Well, like you said, they are married, and I am not. So why is it I am 44 year old and not married?

Also why is it most people do have friends or at least acquitances, and I don't?

And I know that there are other people with Asperger that ARE married. So what bothers me is not Asperger but the fact that I am socially isolated. But to give a context to my social isolation, I have to say its Asperger. So if there was a way to have Asperger and NOT be isolated (like those other people with Asperger) then it would be great! But the whole point is I am isolated, so that is the problem.

I agree with you that my Asperger shouldn't limit me. For example, like I mentioned, I did postdocs in India. Right now I want to do postdocs in China. I am bitter at my mom that she discouraged me from going for a postdoc to China a year ago so I missed that opportunity. So the fact that I am bitter about it shows that I don't think Asperger should limit me. I think I can go to new places despite my Asperger.

But the problem is: I can't seem to get people to talk to me so thats the problem.

You get lots of interest, yeah, not as much as you'd like but you’re not trying to date every girl in the world, you only want one, right?

Keep in mind, that was in 1999-2005. So that just adds to my regret for missing out on it and frustration that I don't get that level of interest now. Back then I obviously didn't see it, because I got all those opportunities WHILE obsessing how "notoby likes me". But now I see it. Yet its too late. I can't find those girls.

Speaking of c, d and f, I actually tried to look for those girls, without success. Even though I don't come back to live in Minnesota or Michigan after I graduated from those two respective universities, sometimes I go to physics conferences. Usually I am not that lucky for the conference to actually be there (given my money situation I only go to a physics conference if it is actually relevant to my area of physics). But I been to one conference in each of those places. So, when I visitted Minneapolis, I came to that little store re: c, but it turns out that store wasn't there any more. They replaced it with CVS (the original store they used to have was a lot more cosy than that). I actually asked for that girl (I remember her name). Nobody knew who she is. Then when I came to Michigan, I checked out Jimmy Jones. It was still there, but nobody knew who I am or who was the girl I was talking to. Then I went to that health food store in Michigan (RE: part f), again nobody knew who I am or who those two women were.

And like I said, I can't get that level of luck nowdays because I am old, so I don't know what to do.

It sounds like you have a lot to talk about, no offense, you’d be easy to meet, would’t have to worry about it getting boring.

My experience says the opposite. When I get long winded, people get bored and end the conversation. One thing I was told is that I overfocus on myself instead of talking about others. And then the other thing I was told is that just the sheer length of what I say is hard to follow and gets boring.

But in any case, thats not the bigger problem. The bigger problem is people talking to me on the first place. So why don't women approach me? One of the answers I got is I talk about myself a lot (as above). But how do they know I talk about myself a lot if they never approached me and never talked to me? Do they hear it from their friends that I talked about myself a lot? But then what if nobody approached me for the past several months? So how do their friends know I talk about myself? Are they remembering it from several years ago?

Or could it be that several years ago I talked about myself, as a result whoever I talked to stopped talking to me, so I was loner for next few months. Then, few months later, they no longer remember how I talked about myself but they do remember seeing me as a loner and then being seen around as a loner made them not want to approach me (which is a pre-selection phenomenon)?

Or could it, instead, be the way I look? As in, forgetting to brush my hair, forgetting to tuck in my shirt, forgetting to shave, forgetting to get the hair out of my nose, and so forth? But then this gets me back to the last paragraph of the first message: why do they judge by appearance? They know perfectly well that when they just get out of bed themselves they are disheaveled too. They had to "do" something in order not to be disheaveled. Thus, being disheaveled doesn't imply having a genetic abnormality that makes me a bad person. So why do they avoid approaching me due to this?

Or the other option is my age: they see that I am over 40 so they decide not to talk to me. And this goes back to the items 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 on the first post and why is it they make those assumptions due to age.

You have some sort of teaching talent.

No. Its me making a CHOICE to teach. The reason for this is that I am interested in research, not teaching. But most professors who do research also teach. Since I couldn't get the tenure track professor job (which is what I am really after), I decided to teach at a community college in order to tell to myself "hey, at least I am called a professor". And also I told myself that if I teach at a community college then I can teach for just few hours since it is a part time job and then do research the rest of the day on my own without getting paid. What I didn't realize is that the same thing is true for any other part time job. I thought its wonderful I get 1800 a month just for teaching just a few hours, but again the same is true for any other part time job. I weren't realizing that the minimal full time salary is 2500 a month because i never been full time.

I think it was a big mistake I was teaching last year instead of going off to China to do the postdoc. You see, my ex-girlfriend told me that if I go to China they might make me take covid vaccine since I won't get the religious exemption from it the way I got in the US. I told her the covid is over, but she said there could be another wave, and in any case China is unpredictable it can treat me badly because I am US citizen and it doesn't like Americans.

Then the other thing I was thinking was that if I go off to China it would just be two years but if I teach at the community college then this would be for the rest of my life. So if I just get something for two years, maybe I will never get another job again (I was just lucky with that particular community college job offering me a job and I would waste that luck) but if I take that job at the community college then I am settled for life. But again I wasn't realizing that whatever attracts me to the community college (such as getting 1800 a month for just few hours a week and then doing research on my own the rest of the week) is also true for any other part time job. So what do I mean I might never get another such opportunity? Surely I can get another part time job. If not teaching, then working at MacDonalds. So there was no point in holding onto that job that hard.

What I didn't realize is that it was Tsinghua University which is one of the best universitites in the world. I simply didn't look it up. Because you see, I was of a mindset that nobody offers me any postdoc, so I need to get some really bad place so that they can offer me a postdoc since nobody else wants to be there, and that really bad place should be in some other country not the US, so that less people want to be there and there is less competition. Since I approached one of my professors with this particular mindset, I was assuming that he suggested me a place along those lines. But he didn't. He suggested one of the best places in the world. So he should have told me that. But he didn't tell me. He just said "what about China". Well, how would I know what level of school he is talking about?

Now the other problem is my mom. She was trying to discourage me from going to China too, because she was worried I would have trouble adjusting to a different culture. But hey I been in India for 5 years. Now, I didn't get along there and got into several troubles thats true (just like I did in US). But I survived. Now, the way I found out that Tsinghua is such a great place is that when I lost my teaching position I was considering it again and my mom was against it. So she said "look it up, maybe there are snakes over there". I told her "no there are no snakes, its just common sense". But she kept insisting that I look it up. So I finally did, just to get her off my back. And then the result was the exact opposite to what my mom was looking for: it turned out it was a great place.

Well, if I were apply last year, then my professor would have talked to one of the other professors to talk on my behalf with them. But now that other professor no longer wants to talk on my behalf. So now he just told me to apply and compete with everyone. I applied the end of last August and didn't hear anything back.

Anyway, going back to your comment about my "teaching talent". Like I said, I don't have "teaching talent". I just chose to teach because I want to be a professor and teaching is the closest thing to being a professor. I want to be a professor for research, not for teaching. So I am really not happy teaching.

And speaking of talent, most of my teaching evaluations are neutral to negative, and I keep loosing teaching position like I told you.

In regards to all your questions: there’s no right or wrong way. It’s love. And that has no boundaries. I’ve seen every type married. Fat, skinny, awkward, old, ‘loser,’ athletic, gamer, Christian, mental disorder, poor, rich, physical disabilities, boring, exciting, no boundaries.

I am talking about STATISTICS though. Why is it, statistically, women don't like older men?

Be on lookout for more of those situations you described & be ready to step out.

But they aren't happening any more due to me being older than before.

In the meantime what are you doing to try to meet some?

In the past I was using dating sites. Thats where I found those three women. But in terms of the quality of those three women compared to time investment it wasn't worth it. And being overfocused on dating apps is how I ignored real-life interactions. Looking back it looks ridiculous how I spend hours on end on dating apps and then when the situations presented to me in the real life I just totally brushed them off. Looking back, what started me off on dating sites is when at the Hillel in Minnesota they didn't like me. But those other people aren't Hillel in Minnesota. But I guess my mind was overfocused. So I was singularly focused on Hillel in Minnesota and on dating apps. Everything else was irrelevant. It is funny how I brushed off the girls in Hillel in Michigan (example e). Well I guess Hillel in Michigan isn't Hillel in Minnesota, so it was outside my narrow area of focus.

As far as right now, two weeks ago I signed up for some facebook groups. In particular I signed up for the ones for Torah Observant Christians, and also I signed up for some physics ones, some hiking ones and some running ones. I posted intros in a lot of them, but they only approved my intros in some of them. Others are still pending. And even where they did approve my intros, I only got three or four replies. Only in one group it led to the conversation that by now fizzled out.

 

[timewerx]

I had three long-term girlfriends (one that I had from age 23 to age 24, the other I had from age 27 to age 29, the third I had from age 33 to age 34) but I met all three of them online, and it took tremendous amount of searching to find them. And none of them were the ones that I liked, I was simply settling on them.

We have many single members with worse struggles than you. Never had a girlfriend and already in their thirties and beyond. I'm one of them. I also have many symptoms of Asperger since childhood in addition to cognitive problems from multiple concussion sustained from childhood.

Count your blessings perhaps and just keep looking.

As far as right now, two weeks ago I signed up for some facebook groups. In particular I signed up for the ones for Torah Observant Christians, and also I signed up for some physics ones, some hiking ones and some running ones. I posted intros in a lot of them, but they only approved my intros in some of them. Others are still pending. And even where they did approve my intros, I only got three or four replies. Only in one group it led to the conversation that by now fizzled out.

If you write your intros like you write in the forum, I'd guess they're insanely long.

Most people don't have time to reach such long intro especially if they also have to read intros from several other people as well. They'll just skip yours and read the shorter intros made by others.

Ironically, you're probably wasting your time as well writing very long posts. If you're complaining about investing tons of time and effort finding women or friends over the internet. This is probably the problem.

If you're trying to attract people's interest to yourself, writing very long posts might achieve the opposite result. Learn how to shorten your posts. As a mathematician, isn't it one of your skills to shorten derived equations? Perhaps, learn to translate that skill into shortening posts.

 

[Roman57]

If you write your intros like you write in the forum, I'd guess they're insanely long.

No, they are a lot shorter. Here are the sample of the intros that are still on hold:

Hello everyone. Even though I have PhD in Physics, the notion of quantum information has always been too abstract to me. To me, quantum field theory is what ultimately everything needs to boil down to. In quantum field theory all particles are separate so I know exactly what is what. But in quantum information the notion of cubit seems abstract. I realize it is supposed to be isomorphic to spin 1/2 state. But there are lots of things that are spin 1/2. So what is cubit exactly? Can someone define it to me please? For that matter, I don't really know what "bit" is, either. But I guess I never had to deal with "bits", yet I ran into cubits. Can someone explain to me what is bit and what is cubit on a level that a mathematician would be happy? I am very much mathematically minded.

Hello everyone. Back in good old 1997, I used to be in Varsity team in Berkeley High school. I was top runner on that team, although it was one of the worst teams, so being top runner didn't mean much overall: I was 29-th out of 105, and the only one on my team on top half. Anyway, my best time for 3 miles was 17 minutes and 7 seconds but it was one-off when it was flat. Usually I did in 18-something or 19-something, and had a couple of bad days with 20-something and 21-something. Anyway, as of now, I can't seem to do even 20-something, much less all those better times. So my goal is to get back to my high school performance. Anyone else is trying to get back their high school time?

I wanted to share a paper I wrote in collaboration with Thomas Scanlon back in 2020 on how to define Berezin integral as a literal limit of Riemann sum, and address all of its apparent contradictions with the latter. Please see here

Hello everyone. My name is Roman, and I graduated from UC Berkeley with double major in physics and math all the way back in 2001. Since then, I been to Minnesota, Michigan and New Mexico, doing various graduate studies, I also been to India doing postdoc. Now I am back to Berkeley. Anyone else is still living in Bay Area?

And here are some of the ones that DID get approved, but didn't get any replies

My name is Roman. I live in South Berkeley. I have Asperger Syndrome so I have hard time connecting to people. I hope I could make some connections through this list

Hello everyone. My name is Roman Sverdlov. I did my Physics PhD at University of Michigan back in 2004-2009. I really miss Ann Arbor!

 

[timewerx]

No, they are a lot shorter. Here are the sample of the intros that are still on hold:

Oh good. Glad that's the case! Even if you're getting just a few replies, that's already good! Few is still infinitely better than none!

 

[timewerx]

But now that I am 44, I am no longer a human being, so women avoid even talking to me much less saying anything supportive.

At 44, there tends to be far higher expectation in us men. We should now at least be living in our own house we've paid in full. All cars paid in full as well. Financially stable and secure.

Maturity and courteousness should reflect in our appearance. Neat in clothing, hair, facial hair, nails, and hygiene.

The world expects A LOT from us men and MORE as we get older. Sadly, I got none of it due to circumstances beyond my control.

I'm nearly 44 years old myself (male) just like you. But I'm not actively seeking for a relationship at the moment so I don't really care how I look. I would LOVE to be in a relationship but I live in such very difficult circumstances that I don't wish to share this burden with anyone.

I still manage to attract women who are younger than me though. NOT online but in public places like our neighborhood, park, etc. They have no idea of my real age and probably because I'm physically fit. I don't really exercise to attract women. I simply do it because it's my way to de-stress to take my mind away from problems even for a moment.

 

[Roman57]

Even if you're getting just a few replies, that's already good!

The first four intros were not posted: they are still pending. So, by default, they got NONE of the replies. I guess nobody is obligated to reply, but whats up with not posting them? Do they raise some red flags that mods decided not to post them?

And the last two, they were posted, yet got no replies either.

Out of all the lists that I have, only ONE was posted and had several replies, which is this one:

My intro on Sabbath Day of Rest Hello everyone. I was born Jewish and I came to believe in Jesus when I was 22. So I am Messianic. I noticed though that some Messianic churches might not truly believe in keeping the law and are just doing it in hopes to get Jews like me to believe in Jesus. So I was always interested in exploring Sabbaterian groups other than Messianic, that way I know they truly do believe in keeping the law. Since I don't believe in modern day prophets (such as Armstrong, Ellen White, etc) I still consider myself Messianic. But I like to explore those other groups too and different flavors. So tell me which denominations do y'all believe?

That post led to a debate where several members were sayign that Sabbath is important while the rest of the law isn't, while I was saying the rest of the law is important too. I got two people that agreed with me, one male one female. In case of male, we added each other to facebook. In case of a female, she said that some of my questions are a bit personal so she wanted to talk with me by PM, and then we messaged on facebook. However when I actually tried to add her I got "it looks like you don't know that person" message. Also, in our conversation she sounded at some point as if she said that Jews that don't believe in Jesus might still go to heaven, so I started asking why she would say this. Then she got a bit defensive because it sounded like I started argument with her. Then she changed the subject and asked me if I know Hebrew, I said I don't, and told a story on how my mom tried to learn Hebrew back in USSR but they took away her Hebrew books so she never learned it (I was only 1 year old at that time). She said "bless your mom". I didn't respond to that. And she never sent me a new message after that. However, at first, she was "liking" all my posts and saying she agreed with me in the way I argued against other members. So at least I had a good start, but then I blew it over the private chat. As far as male whom I added, I guess I can try and talk to him. But again: why can't I get females to talk to me?

At 44, there tends to be far higher expectation in us men. We should now at least be living in our own house we've paid in full.

This seems to contradict the other concern I mentioned. On the one hand, younger women don't like older men because, supposedly, they will manipulate them. I assume financially. Yet on the other hand they don't want older men that are financially insecure because they don't fulfill their expectation. Well, how exactly would financially insecure older men manipulate younger women?

And then the other question is: how do they know I am not financially stable unless they talk to me? Of course, once they do talk to me, it would be easy to figure out: I am open as a book. But since they never bother to say hello to me, how do they know? Or do they simply infer it from the way I dress sloppily and don't brush my hair?

By the way, my mom has a house paid in full. So I can call her house as if its my house. However, it took her 20 years to pay it in full. Do you think its because we are immigrants and most Americans are a lot richer?

Back when I was in India I was angry at Indians for trying to scam me. I was thinking they assume all Americans are millionairs and how they are supposedly wrong in assuming this. But could it be they were right? I mean, I only learned a year ago (from one of my mom's friends) that 2500/month is minimal full time salary in the US and that the average American gets more than 5000/month. I never had such a salary. I always had between 1500/month and 1800/month, and I was assuming that was normal American salary. So then maybe Indians are right in assuming all Americans are rich. If I were to get 5000/month, I won't mind being scammed by an Indian.

Now, my mom DID get that kind of salary and maybe more. But it still took her 20 years to pay off her house. I guess most Americans have inheritance too, while my mom had to start from scratch when she left Russia.

But how would we possibly have enough money for my mom to have her house paid in full and me having my house paid in full? Now I am the only child, but there are others who have more than one child. So lets say the parents have three kids. Do *each* of those three kids have their own house paid in full, in addition to parents still having theirs paid in full? How would they possibly have so much money if it wasn't for the inheritance?

So do you think being an immigrant makes it hard to find women in the US? Is this the root of my problem?

Speaking of clothing, apart from forgetting to tuck in my shirt and so forth, also some of my clothes are worn out. I don't want to buy new ones because it would be expensive. Well, if I were to have 5000/month salary, I won't mind buying new clothes every week. So do you think women deduce my salary is low from the fact that I don't buy new clothes when old one gets worn?

In few cases they offered me money and I was cussing them out every time (and needless to say I refused the money that they offered) because I am not homeless. So they are wrong in assuming I am homeless. But they are right in assuming I don't make 5000/month. So are you saying that not making 5000/month is what makes me a bad person in American eyes even though I am not homeless?

All cars paid in full as well.

Speaking of car, I don't have a car on the first place. My parents never drove because back in Russia we couldn't afford it. When my mom tried to learn to drive in the US, she got scared and stopped trying to learn. Her car was just standing there until it got stolen.

Now keep in mind: I am not my mom. Since I never *tried* to learn how to drive (she did, not me!) how does she know that I can't? Yet she never arranged for me to learn how to drive. When I kept accusing her of not doing it she was saying that I can do it myself. I said I don't have money to, she said she will provide money if I go get a driving test done. I knew she doesn't mean it and I was right. Because few months ago, a secretary tried to sell me a car and then my mom got all scared. Why? I thought she was saying she wanted me to learn how to drive? She said that she wants me to learn first and then buy it. Well, why not the other way around? I mean I know that I will learn since most people do. So what is she afraid of? She seems to be afraid of my car will just stand there just like hers did. But I am not her, I am like 99% of people (not her!) so why not assume I will learn how to drive? She said that while I learn I will be wasting money for car insurance. But what I kept telling her that she didn't seem to get is that I will be SAVING a lot more money by not having to take the driving class since someone will teach me on my own car. Yet she is not getting it.

Sadly, I got none of it due to circumstances beyond my control.

What circumstances are you referring to?

I'm nearly 44 years old myself (male) just like you. But I'm not actively seeking for a relationship at the moment so I don't really care how I look. I would LOVE to be in a relationship but I live in such very difficult circumstances that I don't wish to share this burden with anyone.

Don't you want to have wife and kids eventually in order to feel fulfilled in life?

I still manage to attract women who are younger than me though. NOT online but in public places like our neighborhood, park, etc.

Actually I prefer public places to online. Back in my 20-s I didn't see this and was overly-focused on online (hence I ignored all the public approaches described in my first post). But right now I realize that online isn't real, being approach in public is real. Yet nobody approaches me in public.

Its kind of sad. You don't want women to approach you (since you don't want to share your circumstances with them) but they approach you anyway. And here is me, I do want them to approach me, and they don't. So you are getting what I really wish I could get and you reject it. I really wish I could get what you get and I am not getting it. I wish we could trade places.

They have no idea of my real age and probably because I'm physically fit.

People used to think I am younger than my age in the past. But not any more. Which is the other thing that bothers me.

Now, I can't point to anything pertaining to physical fitness that would be a problem. I mean there are 20 year olds that look less fit than me. When I was going to doctors and complaining about prediabetic numbers on glucometer, they didn't believe I have prediabetes and sent me to psychiatrist instead. One guy at my Bible studies told me that the reason they did this is because I look fit so its hard to believe I would be prediabetic. I guess to be fair the issue was that my "official" blood tests were all normal, and the official tests is what doctors go by, not the glucometer. But still, its a valid question as to why does glucometer shows the results that are consistently higher. So that guy at the Bible studies said that if I didn't look so fit they might have taken my question more seriously. So since the guy at Bible studies thinks I look fit (and perhaps the doctors too), then I can't blame fitness for looking old.

What I "can" point to is wrinkles and some grey hair. Do you think lack of sleep or diet is what speeds up my aging? Maybe I was younger than my age because back when I was living at home (up until the age of 21) my mom kept me on good diet. Speaking of lack of sleep I was studying at night as a teenager too. But when I moved out of my mom's place I did that even more since nobody was there to nag me to go to bed.

 

[timewerx]

The first four intros were not posted: they are still pending. So, by default, they got NONE of the replies. I guess nobody is obligated to reply, but whats up with not posting them? Do they raise some red flags that mods decided not to post them?

And the last two, they were posted, yet got no replies either.

Out of all the lists that I have, only ONE was posted and had several replies, which is this one:

Check the dates of the posts of other people. If the latest posts are more than few weeks old then it's likely none of the mods have logged into the group and saw your intros. The group is relatively inactive.

That might explain the few replies. The group is relatively inactive. I didn't see anything off with your intros.

But again: why can't I get females to talk to me?

I have the same problem as you to some degree both male and female. This is why I don't have male friends either. I can't help you here. One thing I know, I have little interest in things most men and women are interested in.

This seems to contradict the other concern I mentioned. On the one hand, younger women don't like older men because, supposedly, they will manipulate them. I assume financially. Yet on the other hand they don't want older men that are financially insecure because they don't fulfill their expectation. Well, how exactly would financially insecure older men manipulate younger women?

If this is what they believe then they would think older men will manipulate you whether they're financially secure or not.

Anyway, going back to your comment about my "teaching talent". Like I said, I don't have "teaching talent". I just chose to teach because I want to be a professor and teaching is the closest thing to being a professor. I want to be a professor for research, not for teaching. So I am really not happy teaching.

And speaking of talent, most of my teaching evaluations are neutral to negative, and I keep loosing teaching position like I told you.

You can get a job in computer programming and/or data/statistical analysis due to your math major if you have knowledge and experience of computer programming. This can get you above the 5000/month paygrade.

The combo of math and physics major + programming skills can also get you to research because research requires lots of computerized data and statistical analysis. There are programming languages tailored for data and statistical analysis like the "R" language. Other modern languages you need to have is Python and Java and also Machine Learning. C and C++ would come in handy to develop custom apps for research and finally development in multiple platforms including mobile (Windows, Mac/Unix, Linux, Android)

I did used to work in IT but my college degree isn't lined up for it and from my slow thinking problem. I got booted out of the career. Math major is one of the fundamental requirement in the career since the dawn of the computer age.

Don't you want to have wife and kids eventually in order to feel fulfilled in life?

I do but I also don't want to share my burdens with them.

What circumstances are you referring to?

A huge debt incurred by parents that I may not be able to pay up in within the 10 years remaining. I actually fought against their decision to acquire that investment but they got it anyway. It's around $38,000 debt, part of it is hospital debt when my dad got sick of cancer and died. It may not sound a lot but I live in a poor country so that most of the little salary I make goes to the payments. I eat very little as a result and I'm borderline underweight.

This is one of the reasons I exercise many hours each week. If I stop for 1 month, my blood pressure would soar and I'd die of heart attack from the stress. Ironically, I'm so used to eating so little food and so little water that if I eat more food and drink more water than I normally do, I get headaches and feel sick.

I'm also taking care of my disable mom who had a stroke a few years ago. Fortunately, she is physically independent but developed speech problems so I'll have to live with her for the rest of her life.

If I didn't have these problems, I'd probably find a job in another country like the Middle East, in one of the rich OPEC states. They are always hiring workers from poor countries and earn much more than I can in my poor country and I'll be able to live a "normal" life. Even have wife and kids.

Its kind of sad. You don't want women to approach you (since you don't want to share your circumstances with them) but they approach you anyway. And here is me, I do want them to approach me, and they don't. So you are getting what I really wish I could get and you reject it. I really wish I could get what you get and I am not getting it. I wish we could trade places.

Now that I told you my circumstances. You wouldn't want to trade places with me! My circumstances is enough to drive me suicidal and not care about dying.

In fact, my greatest fears of dying is returning as a ghost at home and facing exactly the same problems I faced when alive. Trying to take care of mom as a ghost. How's that going to work out.

What I "can" point to is wrinkles and some grey hair. Do you think lack of sleep or diet is what speeds up my aging? Maybe I was younger than my age because back when I was living at home (up until the age of 21) my mom kept me on good diet. Speaking of lack of sleep I was studying at night as a teenager too. But when I moved out of my mom's place I did that even more since nobody was there to nag me to go to bed.

Sleep is a huge factor. At present, I sleep 10 hrs/day. Because I also exercise 1 to 2 hrs/day. Having so little food to eat is probably a factor of my long sleep even how much I wanted to work more hrs, I don't have the energy and just fall to sleep.

I still don't have any grey hair and very little wrinkles. It doesn't seem like I aged at all since my twenties.

 

[Roman57]

If this is what they believe then they would think older men will manipulate you whether they're financially secure or not.

So how would they manipulate them if not financially?

You can get a job in computer programming and/or data/statistical analysis due to your math major if you have knowledge and experience of computer programming. This can get you above the 5000/month paygrade.

The combo of math and physics major + programming skills can also get you to research because research requires lots of computerized data and statistical analysis. There are programming languages tailored for data and statistical analysis like the "R" language. Other modern languages you need to have is Python and Java and also Machine Learning. C and C++ would come in handy to develop custom apps for research and finally development in multiple platforms including mobile (Windows, Mac/Unix, Linux, Android)

The only computer language I know is Pascal. And I don't really have interest in learning other programming since my physics interest is purely theoretical. What I liked about teaching is that I would be able to teach just a few hours a week and do my own physics the rest of the time. If I get programming job I won't be able to do that: I would have to actually put a lot of time and effort.

However, now that I put it in perspective financially I can see how the computer job might be worth it. Because what I got for teaching few hours a week was 1500/month. Now if, for computer, I can get 5000/month, then maybe I can do computer for a year, then quit, and then do my own physics the next three years. And that would be the same time/money/physics situation as with teaching.

Neither one is good though. I need to get postdoc and tenure track. I just don't know how likely I would get it.

I did used to work in IT but my college degree isn't lined up for it

What was your college degree on?

and from my slow thinking problem.

Are you referring to low IQ or what?

I got booted out of the career.

Did they kick you out of school or what happened?

It's around $38,000 debt,

My honest advice is don't stress over it. I have $24000 debt from student loan, and I am not stressing. On a logarithmic scale, $38000 and $24000 are comparable.

Here is how I convince myself not to stress. The minimal payment per month is pro-rated based on my salary. So now that I am not working, I don't have to pay at all. When I will work, then I will just pay small fraction of my salary. So my salary would be slightly less. So who cares if it is slightly less. I don't remember my salary up to every digit anyway, I won't even notice. Besides, they subtract taxes anyway, and I don't notice that either, until I have to do my yearly taxes. So who cares if this monthly payment gets subtracted too. Yes it is a bit unpleasant to know it drags with me for years. But only "a bit" unpleasant, not much. Just a small subtraction from a salary.

It may not sound a lot but I live in a poor country

What country do you live in?

I'm also taking care of my disable mom who had a stroke a few years ago.

Okay this is a bit more of an issue. But still I think there are ways around it. My mom started to develop dimentia the past few years, but I am not letting it limit my plans. I have my own life I have to live.

 

[timewerx]

So how would they manipulate them if not financially?

Interests, food, religion, job, activities, choice of friends, closeness to relatives. There are many ways you can be manipulated, not just financially.

The only computer language I know is Pascal. And I don't really have interest in learning other programming since my physics interest is purely theoretical. What I liked about teaching is that I would be able to teach just a few hours a week and do my own physics the rest of the time. If I get programming job I won't be able to do that: I would have to actually put a lot of time and effort.

However, now that I put it in perspective financially I can see how the computer job might be worth it. Because what I got for teaching few hours a week was 1500/month. Now if, for computer, I can get 5000/month, then maybe I can do computer for a year, then quit, and then do my own physics the next three years. And that would be the same time/money/physics situation as with teaching.

Neither one is good though. I need to get postdoc and tenure track. I just don't know how likely I would get it.

Ironically, research involves lots of data and statistical analysis. That is if research is what you really want, I'm just telling you one possible option.

What was your college degree on?

Manufacturing engineering.

Are you referring to low IQ or what?

I am sometimes low IQ due to slow thinking. However, on IQ tests with no time constraint, I score relatively highly without cheating (without googling answers).

Did they kick you out of school or what happened?

I was let go of my job in IT from poor performance. I'm just slow. I'm not really sure those childhood concussions caused. I've been slow of thought for as long as I can remember even before I had concussions.

My honest advice is don't stress over it. I have $24000 debt from student loan, and I am not stressing. On a logarithmic scale, $38000 and $24000 are comparable.

Except that I live in a poor country and my income is only $430 / month. Loan payment is $362 / month which leaves only $68 / month for utility bills and food.

I spend less than one dollar / day on food. I'm quite thin and my blood vessels quite visible I resemble that mythical Native American monster! I eat the same meal over and over everyday. Mainly sardines, rice, bread, and dairy. High calcium diet to keep my bones strong because my bones would atrophy given my small weight. I also do strength workouts lifting weights as added insurance my bones are kept strong.

What country do you live in?

Philippines.

Okay this is a bit more of an issue. But still I think there are ways around it. My mom started to develop dimentia the past few years, but I am not letting it limit my plans. I have my own life I have to live.

My mom won't survive on her own even for just a day and I can't afford to hire someone to look after her. Trying to take care of her by phone won't work due to brain damage from her stroke. She nearly caused a fire a few times.

None of her brothers and sisters can take her in.

There is only one solution is that I stay by her side. I can still live my own life, just NOT now. I'm even praying and hoping not for another 30 years because I really want my mom to have a long life and I don't mind staying with her for many more years.

 

[Roman57]

Interests, food, religion, job, activities, choice of friends, closeness to relatives. There are many ways you can be manipulated, not just financially.

Then why would older men be more likely to manipulate women in those ways than younger men? If you talk financially then the reason older men are more likely to manipulate is because, statistically, older men make more money. But if you talk about those other things that you just listed, then what would be the reason older men would be more likely to manipulate in those cases?

Ironically, research involves lots of data and statistical analysis.

By research I mean staring at the formulas and trying to come up with alternative theories that would explain those formulas in a more intuitively appealing way. So the information I need are the formulas, not numeric data.

I am sometimes low IQ due to slow thinking.

What is your IQ? Mine is 126

I was let go of my job in IT from poor performance.

What job do you currently have?

I'm just slow. I'm not really sure those childhood concussions caused.

What caused your concussions?

Except that I live in a poor country and my income is only $430 / month. Loan payment is $362 / month which leaves only $68 / month for utility bills and food.

Then the problem is the policy of Philipines. Because in the US they would never make someone pay most of their salary each month. The mimimal monthly payment in the US is a small fraction of a salary.

I don't think its because Philipines are poor. I think its because Philipines have this crappy policy. Normally I vote right rather than left, but Philipines went right way too far, to the point that it starves people.

I spend less than one dollar / day on food. I'm quite thin and my blood vessels quite visible I resemble that mythical Native American monster! I eat the same meal over and over everyday. Mainly sardines, rice, bread, and dairy.

I don't know about Philipines, but I would assume its similar to India as opposed to US. I spent 5 years in India doing postdocs. In my experience in India, if I want a "good" food, then you are right, 1 dollar won't be enough. But if I am okay with street food, then I can get a street food for a dollar. In US I won't be able to get "any" food for a dollar, street or not, because in US the food is a lot more expensive. So it might sound like India is poor, but if you take into account the fact that food is cheap then its not as bad. But I still see your point: even if we assume that you can get a normal meal for a dollar, you still need 3 dollars a day in order to eat 3 meals a day.

Anyway, I guess the question is what *amount* of each of those things you listed you are eating. Because if I simply look at the list, it looks like a normal meal. But thats me picturing "normal" amounts of each, such as a quarter of a plate of each to make it a full plate total. If, instead, you just eat a tea spoon of each, then of course it would be way too little. How many calories are you consuming?

Going back to the question about dating, I remember in one of the churches I attended a man around the age of 40 was married to a woman from Philipines. He actually told me that the reason he did this is because Philipino women are okay with dating older men. Could this be part of the reason why younger women still show interest in you?

I also read somewhere that Asians age slower than Europeans (if by aging you mean things like wrinkles). So maybe thats why you don't have wrinkles? Although the other part of the equation is that Asian girls overlook wrinkles, because that man at church was European (and aged like European) yet he could still marry a younger Philipino woman.

 

[timewerx]

Then why would older men be more likely to manipulate women in those ways than younger men? If you talk financially then the reason older men are more likely to manipulate is because, statistically, older men make more money. But if you talk about those other things that you just listed, then what would be the reason older men would be more likely to manipulate in those cases?

Both men and women can be quite passionate about their interests and beliefs. But older people have stronger tendency to impose their beliefs on younger individuals. That's the only answer I have.

By research I mean staring at the formulas and trying to come up with alternative theories that would explain those formulas in a more intuitively appealing way. So the information I need are the formulas, not numeric data.

I think you're talking about the conceptual stage. You probably need to publish your own articles to catch attention or interest. But I don't know. I never dealt with that stage except in hobbies where I'm forming ideas.

What is your IQ? Mine is 126

I'm assuming you'd be a lot higher. You should get a do-over of your IQ.

With time constraint, my IQ can dip under 100. Without time constraint, it's over 140. But since time is very important metric in every job, I'm leaning towards my <100 IQ being the one that applies to me.

What job do you currently have?

Work-from-home jobs concerning spreadsheets.

What caused your concussions?

Accidents due to recklessness during childhood.

Then the problem is the policy of Philipines. Because in the US they would never make someone pay most of their salary each month. The mimimal monthly payment in the US is a small fraction of a salary.

I don't think its because Philipines are poor. I think its because Philipines have this crappy policy. Normally I vote right rather than left, but Philipines went right way too far, to the point that it starves people.

That's is unfortunately true. But it's also partially the fault of my parents. A mistake they did out of ignorance. Maybe something "good" will come out of it (Christian optimism).

Our country is poor mainly due to severe corruption in the government from top to bottom. It has become like cancer already and beyond cure because the corrupt have the money and power. Problems like these don't get chances at getting fixed unless country gets invaded by an outside force or calamity of biblical proportions or a revolution unless lots of people die.

Anyway, I guess the question is what *amount* of each of those things you listed you are eating. Because if I simply look at the list, it looks like a normal meal. But thats me picturing "normal" amounts of each, such as a quarter of a plate of each to make it a full plate total. If, instead, you just eat a tea spoon of each, then of course it would be way too little. How many calories are you consuming?

The last time I checked, the calories I eat is significantly under the calories I burn each day.

I only eat two meals a day, no snacking in between meals. The plates we have is only 9" diameter. Only half is filled each meal.

Going back to the question about dating, I remember in one of the churches I attended a man around the age of 40 was married to a woman from Philipines. He actually told me that the reason he did this is because Philipino women are okay with dating older men. Could this be part of the reason why younger women still show interest in you?

Only if you are white Caucasian or demonstrably rich.

That's mainly because of poverty and financial insecurity of people in the Philippines. They want someone to rescue them from these hopeless situations something that an American citizenship can provide.

I'm not demonizing my own kind because if you grew to the same circumstances, you'd probably do the same thing. Your family went to USA for the same reasons.

In my case, one probable reason is that women sometimes mistake me as one of them. I only get the opportunity to mingle with women when I'm exercising. My hair is longer now and when I'm wearing a sweat band at my head and hair is tied up, and because I'm thin, I look a bit like a woman and they even called me by the wrong pronoun or called "sister" (can I sue them?)

I also read somewhere that Asians age slower than Europeans (if by aging you mean things like wrinkles). So maybe thats why you don't have wrinkles? Although the other part of the equation is that Asian girls overlook wrinkles, because that man at church was European (and aged like European) yet he could still marry a younger Philipino woman.

This is somewhat true but I still look young even by Asian standards.

I don't think I have pure Asian genes though. Among our relatives at the mother's side, we have members who look South Asian (Indian) and also Russian or Eastern European. AI analysis of my face also detected strong Indian features and to lesser extent, Eastern European and also Ethiopian (Africa) although there's no tangible way we can trace our ancestry due to poor record-keeping in the country.

 

[Roman57]

You will be fine in China, i live there.

Yeah, I know it now. The problem is: its a year too late. The application deadline was August 31 this year. So I applied the day before which is on time. But the application was posted last year. So if last year I didn't have any of those thoughts, maybe I would have gotten in, but this year it seems less likely.

That professor is very evasive when I ask him why he doesn't want to help me this year if he could have helped me last year. One thing he says is that our research interests are different. This is true: he works on string theory and I never worked on string theory. But the problem is: he could have seen it last year when my professor shown him my CV. So why is it last year he was willing to help me despite this, while this year he isn't? Or the other thing he told me is he doesn't have money to hire a postdoc himself thats why he wants me to focus on other professors that work there. But I don't think his financial situation has changed. I think by "not having money" he means it is on lower priority than other things, so he "doesn't have money" once his money is spent on everything thats higher priority. Last year it would have been higher priority but nowadays its lower priority since I shown that I am not serious by waiting the whole year. The other possibility is maybe he really doesn't have money, but last year he would have asked the department for money. This year he is not willing to do it again because I shown that I am not that serious. But the point is: now that I see Tsinghua university is one of the top ones in the world I am serious. I wasn't serious back then because I didn't realize it. And I didn't look it up because whats the point of looking up some random crappy place after I spent the whole summer looking up other things? So I wish he could give me another chance. But you see he isn't saying he isn't doing it because I am not serious so he doesn't even give me a chance to defend myself. All he says is that my CV indicates different interest than his and also that he doesn't have money. But, logically speaking, those two factors didn't change over the year. So yes it is about me not being serious.

Then the other thing I realized just now is that when I sent that application on August 29, I was too busy being angry at that professor so I didn't fill out the form properly. Yes I submitted all the documents, but there were other things the form was asking, besides the documents. So I just filled it out few hours ago. But that is now a month and a half after the deadline. The system DID tell me the application was complete back on the August 29 because all the documents and the recommendation letters were there. So I don't know whether not filling out the other stuff would hurt me or not.

On a positive note, when I applied to Peking last night (a different university from the one I been talking about -- I been talking about Tsinghua), I emailed one of the professors there and he told me that he is interested in my research and will do his best to support my application. He said, that "the only issue he sees is discrimination due to age. So I don't know to what extend he means. I am assuming he still thinks I have a chance since he is inviting me to a visit. Do you think its appropriate to ask him whether the "visit" he invites me to is an interview? He said in his email he will pay for accommodations. Is it appropriate to ask him if he will pay for plane tickets too?

 

[Roman57]

Both men and women can be quite passionate about their interests and beliefs. But older people have stronger tendency to impose their beliefs on younger individuals. That's the only answer I have.

As far as imposing beliefs on younger individuals, I am very much aware of it because both of my parents were like this. But is this really the type of manipulation we are talking about? I was thinking older men are said to manipulate younger women *into sex*. That is very different from imposing beliefs.

I think you're talking about the conceptual stage.

No, I am talking about writing actual equations. I come up with a new mathematical framework that would help you to visualize/conceptualize things in the other areas of mathematics. You can look up my work here Search | arXiv e-print repository (to clarify: arXiv has lots of other people not just me; so you need to search for "Roman Sverdlov" to see my work) As you will see, it is all heavy math with formulas. But, at the same time, there is no analysis of actual numeric data since it talks about formulas with letters, not with numbers. The one paper I am especially proud of is when I managed to visualize Grassmann numbers. You can see it here https://math.berkeley.edu/~scanlon/papers/BIRS-9May2020.pdf Again, even though it is motivated by the conceptual question, it is all formulas. And again, it does not rely on numerical data analysis

You probably need to publish your own articles to catch attention or interest.

As you see from the link I gave you, I have 30 articles. But arXiv (where they are posted) doesn't count as publications because it is not peer reviewed. Normally, people send papers to arXiv and to peer reviewed journal at the same time. That way the papers are visible to others while they are still waiting to be published. My problem is that my papers often get rejected because they are not conventional. Out of those 30 papers, only 7 got published. The 7 that are published are the following: arXiv:1911.00751, arXiv:1805.08064, arXiv:1306.1948, arXiv:1305.7516, arXiv:0908.2605, arXiv:0807.4709, arXiv:0801.0240

I'm assuming you'd be a lot higher. You should get a do-over of your IQ.

I did it few different times and it goes both ways. Sometimes it is as low as 115 and sometimes it is as high as 135. So I am thinking 126, which is the number I originally got, is about right.

In any case, I don't think it really matters whether its 126 or higher, as long as its not lower. If it gets to 115 then yes I would be upset. But as long as it is in 126-range I am fine.

I heard that Einstein had it in 120-s too since his work is about creativity while IQ tests stuff like rote performance. The only people with IQ in 200-s are the people like Rainman that won't be able to do day to day things much less science. I might be wrong though I haven't met those people its just the jist I am getting.

With time constraint, my IQ can dip under 100.

The question is how much under 100? Is it just slightly under, like 95? Or do you get it a lot under such as 80-s or even 70-s?

Without time constraint, it's over 140.

Without time constraint it doesn't count. Because you are competing with people that DO have time constraint. Unless its without time constraint for everyone.

Work-from-home jobs concerning spreadsheets.

Spreadsheets for what? What is the goal of what you are trying to do?

Accidents due to recklessness during childhood.

Did you have a car crash, or what happened?

Our country is poor mainly due to severe corruption in the government from top to bottom.

Yeah but notice that its not just Philipines but vast majority of African and Asian countries are like that. Yet you won't see this in Western Europe or offsprings of Western Europe, such as US, Canada, etc (although you do see it in Eastern Europe such as Russia). Is there explanation for this pattern?

The last time I checked, the calories I eat is significantly under the calories I burn each day.

How much under? Is it 1500, or 1000, or 500?

I only eat two meals a day,

I only eat 2 meals a day too, but only because I go to bed late and wake up late, then go to the gym and have "breakfast" at noon. I think the real question is how much do you eat during each of those 2 meals.

no snacking in between meals. The plates we have is only 9" diameter. Only half is filled each meal.

9'' is 9*2.5=22.5 centimeters. That seems like okay size. Although the fact that it is only half a plate is what makes it little.

Only if you are white Caucasian or demonstrably rich.

That's mainly because of poverty and financial insecurity of people in the Philippines. They want someone to rescue them from these hopeless situations something that an American citizenship can provide.

Okay then its not a true love, so it wont be what i want anyway even if I did have those resources, which I don't.

Which brings me back to the question of how to get the true love that I want.

In my case, one probable reason is that women sometimes mistake me as one of them. I only get the opportunity to mingle with women when I'm exercising. My hair is longer now and when I'm wearing a sweat band at my head and hair is tied up, and because I'm thin, I look a bit like a woman and they even called me by the wrong pronoun or called "sister" (can I sue them?)

I remember women were sometimes mistaken me for a woman back when I was a teenager. And back then they talked to me more.

So why is it women are more likely to talk to a woman than to a man? Is it because they regard men as not human, as I indicated in the first post?

I don't think I have pure Asian genes though. Among our relatives at the mother's side, we have members who look South Asian (Indian) and also Russian or Eastern European. AI analysis of my face also detected strong Indian features and to lesser extent, Eastern European and also Ethiopian (Africa) although there's no tangible way we can trace our ancestry due to poor record-keeping in the country.

I heard Philipino's are a mix. They have Asian/Latin/African/European all mixed together. I assume they have more Asian than other stuff, since they are still considered Asian?

 

[timewerx]

As far as imposing beliefs on younger individuals, I am very much aware of it because both of my parents were like this. But is this really the type of manipulation we are talking about? I was thinking older men are said to manipulate younger women *into sex*. That is very different from imposing beliefs.

Imposing beliefs is still manipulation. Even Jesus gave instructions if someone does not welcome you (to listen to the Gospel), you better leave them alone and not after 2, 3, 4, 100 attempts. You leave them be the first time they refuse to listen to you.

No, I am talking about writing actual equations. I come up with a new mathematical framework that would help you to visualize/conceptualize things in the other areas of mathematics. You can look up my work here Search | arXiv e-print repository (to clarify: arXiv has lots of other people not just me; so you need to search for "Roman Sverdlov" to see my work) As you will see, it is all heavy math with formulas. But, at the same time, there is no analysis of actual numeric data since it talks about formulas with letters, not with numbers. The one paper I am especially proud of is when I managed to visualize Grassmann numbers. You can see it here https://math.berkeley.edu/~scanlon/papers/BIRS-9May2020.pdf Again, even though it is motivated by the conceptual question, it is all formulas. And again, it does not rely on numerical data analysis

As you see from the link I gave you, I have 30 articles. But arXiv (where they are posted) doesn't count as publications because it is not peer reviewed. Normally, people send papers to arXiv and to peer reviewed journal at the same time. That way the papers are visible to others while they are still waiting to be published. My problem is that my papers often get rejected because they are not conventional. Out of those 30 papers, only 7 got published. The 7 that are published are the following: arXiv:1911.00751, arXiv:1805.08064, arXiv:1306.1948, arXiv:1305.7516, arXiv:0908.2605, arXiv:0807.4709, arXiv:0801.0240

Good, you figured it out already. I have nothing else to contribute.

The question is how much under 100? Is it just slightly under, like 95? Or do you get it a lot under such as 80-s or even 70-s?

I can't remember exactly, the test was many years ago and I no longer have the test result. Why keep a document telling you're terrible.

Without time constraint it doesn't count. Because you are competing with people that DO have time constraint. Unless its without time constraint for everyone.

There are actually IQ tests designed to be untimed and everyone who took it are untimed as well. In such tests where everyone who took it is untimed, my results are above average.

Spreadsheets for what? What is the goal of what you are trying to do?

Anything that requires spreadsheets. Energy, finance, stocks, cryptocurrency, real estate, sales, healthcare, human resources, engineering, even scientific research.

The goal is to earn money ofc, and to summarize numerical data (create summary reports and automated if possible) from a dataset or database (typically in table form with many rows and columns). Raw data can be time in and time out data of employees, daily closing price of Stocks or Cryptocurrency, daily kilowatt-hr consumption of certain buildings.

Client gives me raw data and I need create summarized output that is automated. Meaning, next time, next month, next quarter, they don't need me anymore to create the report for them, they simply need to update the raw data and the report will auto update already.

Summarized reports looks like this (Stocks info from Yahoo Finance)

Did you have a car crash, or what happened?

Fell from a bicycle and hit my head on the kerb without a helmet. From playing a sport where we kicked a metal disc around and one time, I kicked the disc and it went for my head instead. And finally, running around the house during blackout with no light I hit my head on the gate.

How much under? Is it 1500, or 1000, or 500?

My estimated daily calorie intake is 900 calories. My Base Metabolic Rate (BMR) is 1,420 calories + exercise (800 to 2,400 calories /day) giving total calories burned each ranging from 2,205 to 3,805.

How much under? 1,320 to 2920 calories / day. It doesn't make sense unless the calorie system of measurement is fundamentally flawed or my body has adapted to extract more energy from the little amount of food I eat.

I'm maintaining weight at 118 lbs which is very slightly underweight for me. The border between underweight and normal weight. I only need to get to 119 lbs to be declared "normal".

Okay then its not a true love, so it wont be what i want anyway even if I did have those resources, which I don't.

Which brings me back to the question of how to get the true love that I want.

"True love" is only a privilege enjoyed by a few in this world. Most people are just running away from something.

Even in the Bible, not all of the marriage is true love. Some are even marriage of convenience but it was necessary to save a nation or establish the bloodline of the Messiah. It's just part of the mission "for the greater good".

So why is it women are more likely to talk to a woman than to a man? Is it because they regard men as not human, as I indicated in the first post?

I don't think that's the case unless they're physically distancing themselves from you. In an elevator for example that is half full, a woman enters, they can be right next to anyone in the elevator including you. Only if they consistently stand away from you or avoid you after a large number of instances can you conclude they are actually avoiding you.

In many cultures, it is somewhat considered unusual or even taboo for a woman to start a conversation with a man. The man should always start conversation with a woman.

A woman might be interested in talking to you even becoming friends with you but it's not going to happen unless you make the move first.

I heard Philipino's are a mix. They have Asian/Latin/African/European all mixed together. I assume they have more Asian than other stuff, since they are still considered Asian?

Yes we do. I think the only reason we're called Asian is because of our geographic location surrounded by Asian countries. I think we're closer in features to some ethnic groups in the regions between Middle East and Eastern Europe with Polynesian mix.

 

[Roman57]

Imposing beliefs is still manipulation. Even Jesus gave instructions if someone does not welcome you (to listen to the Gospel), you better leave them alone and not after 2, 3, 4, 100 attempts. You leave them be the first time they refuse to listen to you.

I didn't say imposing beliefs is okay. What I said is that I still don't understand why older men are assumed to *sexually* manipulate younger women. Explaining why they are assumed to do one thing thats not okay doesn't explain why they are assumed to do the other thing thats not okay.

Good, you figured it out already. I have nothing else to contribute.

If you look at the dates, you will find I started posting those papers in arXiv since 2008. So its nothing new. The part that I haven't figured out is how to get journals to agree to publish them (I got 7 out of 30 published, wish it was more) and also how to get hired where I am paid for writing those papers (thats what I was referring to as research). If I was tenure track professor they would pay me for a combination of teaching and publishing those papers (the latter is called "research"). But, since I couldn't get tenure track, they were only paying me for teaching, and I was doing research (aka publishing those papers) on my own. Or the other option, like you suggested, is for "research" to be programming-based rather than those papers, and thats what I said I didn't want.

I can't remember exactly, the test was many years ago and I no longer have the test result. Why keep a document telling you're terrible.

Were you actually diagnosed as mentally retarded or no? IQ in 80-100 range is still normal. IQ in 70-80 range is borderline retarded. IQ below 70 is retarded.

There are actually IQ tests designed to be untimed and everyone who took it are untimed as well. In such tests where everyone who took it is untimed, my results are above average.

Oh I see. So can those untimed-time tests be officially used by a doctor, or are they only unofficial?

Anything that requires spreadsheets. Energy, finance, stocks, cryptocurrency, real estate, sales, healthcare, human resources, engineering, even scientific research.

I mean, which of those tasks are you paid for? Or are you saying you are basically doing all of those tasks and more, depending on what your client asks?

Fell from a bicycle and hit my head on the kerb without a helmet. From playing a sport where we kicked a metal disc around and one time, I kicked the disc and it went for my head instead. And finally, running around the house during blackout with no light I hit my head on the gate.

Oh I see. And prior to that your timed IQ was high or also low?

My estimated daily calorie intake is 900 calories. My Base Metabolic Rate (BMR) is 1,420 calories + exercise (800 to 2,400 calories /day) giving total calories burned each ranging from 2,205 to 3,805.

How much under? 1,320 to 2920 calories / day. It doesn't make sense unless the calorie system of measurement is fundamentally flawed or my body has adapted to extract more energy from the little amount of food I eat.

I'm maintaining weight at 118 lbs which is very slightly underweight for me. The border between underweight and normal weight. I only need to get to 119 lbs to be declared "normal".

Weren't you saying before that you were significantly underweight, or at least look that way? Or is it that the way you look doesn't match the way you are on the scales? Does it mean your metabolic rate is slow, since you eat significantly under the calorie norm yet your weight is only slightly below it? Or is it that your body simply slowed down its metabolic rate in order to adjust to low calorie intake?

"True love" is only a privilege enjoyed by a few in this world. Most people are just running away from something.

But then the sexual activities they would perform in marriage would have similar effect on a woman as a prostitution. Wouldn't it leave most women psychologically damaged and in the state of victims of sexual abuse?

I don't think that's the case unless they're physically distancing themselves from you. In an elevator for example that is half full, a woman enters, they can be right next to anyone in the elevator including you. Only if they consistently stand away from you or avoid you after a large number of instances can you conclude they are actually avoiding you.

And they ARE physically distancing themselves from me. On the elevator they don't stand next to me. When I was in Albuquerque few years ago, I remember I was the only one on the elevator, the door opens because a woman called an elevator, but then she won't walk in, so she avoided being in elevator with me. Right now in Berkeley this doesn't happen: they do come into the elevator. But still, I think they are only staying next to me because the elevator is overcrowded and they are forced to.

Now, part of the reason why in Berkeley it is not as bad as it was in Albuquerque is because when I am in Berkeley I live with my mom so my mom nags me to tuck in my shirt, zip up my pants, make sure that the bottom of my pants is over the socks not under, and that type of thing. In the past she used to pick up clothes for me and nag me to brush my hair. She doesn't do that any more because it gets hard for her to get out of bed as she is old. But she still nags me about tucking in my shirt and stuff like that.

The other part of the problem might have been the fact that I would stare at a woman, precisely *because* I was trying to figure out whether or not she would walk into the elevator, and thinking about someone's behavior (whether it's a male or a female) would make me stare at that person (so it has nothing to do with staring at boobs or anything else guys do). So sometimes it happened that she is about to walk in, but then I give her a look, and then she would back off. So when I made conscious decision to stop doing that, then it didn't happen as often. But still there were some instances where women won't get into elevator with me even after I stopped looking at them.

The other part could be that in Albuquerque the crime rate is probably a lot higher than in Berkeley (although in Oakland that is right next to Berkeley the crime rate is very high too, I don't know how to compare Oakland to Albuquerque in terms of crime rate).

The other thing I remember, again in Albuquerque and not in Berkeley, is that women cross the street when I walk. Again, it usually happened when I would stare at them (in order to "see" whether or not they would cross the street). So when I stopped staring it didn't happen as often.

Anyway, when I was talking about staring I was talking about few years ago, not now. So now that I stopped staring, why didn't I make any female friends?

The problem that is ongoing, regardless whether I stare at people or not, is the church. Nobody would ever sit next to me in church. Now, in case of a church, I usually purposely take lonely seat in order to see who would sit next to me. But wouldn't everyone else who comes by themselves do the same? So why do others end up sitting next to them and not next to me?

And it doesn't have to be a church. If I go to a physics conference, when people take food they would go sit at different tables, and nobody sits at the table I am sitting until all the other tables are filled. I guess part of it is that I am purposely taking a table where nobody sits (again, to see who will sit next to me) which might give off an impression I want to be left alone. But that won't explain it if we are talking about the situation where I came earlier than everyone else. In this case, since "All" tables are empty, me sitting at an empty table doesn't indicate wanting to be left alone. Yet people won't sit next to me even then. Now, even though I might be "trying" to come before everyone else, I am usually not successful at it (I am disorganized so I tend to be late rather than early). So what usually happens is that 80% of tables are already taken, I go sit at one of the 20% thats empty, and then nobody sits next to me. But still: just because I "usually" fail in arriving early when its all empty, in some rare occasions I succeed at that. But even when I do come when its all empty, somehow people still don't sit next to me when it begins to fill.

One thing I was told as to why this might happen is that I look angry. But you see, the reason I look angry is precisely because I am frustrated that nobody sits next to me. In the rare occasions when people do start talking to me then I might actually smile during the conversation. But nobody starts talking to me because I am looking angry when I don't talk, so its circular.

In many cultures,

Does it include American culture or no? I am talking about my experience in the US.

it is somewhat considered unusual or even taboo for a woman to start a conversation with a man. The man should always start conversation with a woman.

A woman might be interested in talking to you even becoming friends with you but it's not going to happen unless you make the move first.

But a woman might still give non-verbal cues. Here is an example. Back when I was 35, I was sitting in a class with only 3 rows. Most people were sitting on 2-nd and 3-rd row. I was sitting on the 1-st one. And then just one girl was sitting in the 1-st one, two seats away from me. Now the row was quite long, yet she kept sitting close to me even though there were plenty of other places to sit. And she kept looking at me. I kept thinking I should start a conversation with her, but I couldn't gather courage. This kept repeating class after class. Then, a month into a semester, I finally gathered courage to start conversation with her after class. She readily started talking with me and invited me to her office to keep talking. Then, half an hour later, she excused herself from a conversation to cancel her dating app profile and said "see you around", I responded "see you in class". I think this was a mistake. You see, the reason I said "see you in class" is because I don't remember faces, so the class is the only place I would recognize her. But do I "really" want to limit our interaction to class? No! On the contrary, I would have wanted her to invite me to lots of activities outside the class. So my response "see you in class" wasn't thought through. I am also wondering what exactly was she trying to tell me when she said she was cancelling her dating profile? Was she telling me she was considering dating me? Or was she saying the opposite that she found someone else to date so as not to raise my hopes up? Anyway, throughout the rest of the semester she continued sitting a seat away from me and looking at me, like she did before. I kept looking back at her and again not had courage to start a conversation. One of those days she looked at me, I looked back at her, then she looked at me, then I looked back at her, etc. Then she gave off a sigh and looked away for a while, but I still think she again looked back at me few minutes later. After semester was over, and after I transferred schools (not because of her, for a completely different reason) I sent her a facebook message asking her if she was interested in me. I actually told her in that message that if she was interested in me then I am interested too, but if she isn't then I don't want to risk it, and thats why I didn't approach her just because I was cautious in this particular way. She didn't respond to that message and blocked me instead.

Now, going back to your point. So you said women don't approach men. But I am wondering: could it be that women give non-verbal indications to men inviting them to approach them, similar to the one this woman gave? If thats the case, then the fact that this woman was the only one who behaved this way indicates that other women don't want me to start conversation with them. Now, to be fair, I have pre-programmed mindset that I would never start a conversation with the woman unless woman talks to me first since I want to see what woman would truly like me. But you see how the woman described above made me re-evaluate it? So maybe, while on the conscious level, I am not starting conversation with women because I decided not to, on a subconscious level it might actually be because THEY don't want me to start conversation with them and are giving off non-verbal cues that they don't.

 

[timewerx]

I didn't say imposing beliefs is okay. What I said is that I still don't understand why older men are assumed to *sexually* manipulate younger women. Explaining why they are assumed to do one thing thats not okay doesn't explain why they are assumed to do the other thing thats not okay.

They're probably assuming that older men are also insecure about their age when dealing with younger women. Fearing that their younger partner might go after a younger man so they manipulate their younger partner to prevent that from happening.

If you look at the dates, you will find I started posting those papers in arXiv since 2008. So its nothing new. The part that I haven't figured out is how to get journals to agree to publish them (I got 7 out of 30 published, wish it was more) and also how to get hired where I am paid for writing those papers (thats what I was referring to as research). If I was tenure track professor they would pay me for a combination of teaching and publishing those papers (the latter is called "research"). But, since I couldn't get tenure track, they were only paying me for teaching, and I was doing research (aka publishing those papers) on my own. Or the other option, like you suggested, is for "research" to be programming-based rather than those papers, and thats what I said I didn't want.

Research is not really mainly programming. A research program can hire an IT specialist for that job. Much of the work is acquiring data and performing data and statistical analysis of the data. That work can either be performed by the researchers themselves or hire a data specialist.

A budget-conscious program would prefer the researchers do it all by themselves and would more likely hire a researcher with some programming skills or expertise with any computer-based data analysis tools.

Most of the research work I know concerns applied science. Turning theory into practical applications involving lots of experiments and gathering data from these experiments and eventually, performing analysis of the data.

I mean, which of those tasks are you paid for? Or are you saying you are basically doing all of those tasks and more, depending on what your client asks?

Yup, all those tasks depending on the client.

Were you actually diagnosed as mentally retarded or no? IQ in 80-100 range is still normal. IQ in 70-80 range is borderline retarded. IQ below 70 is retarded.

I never got diagnosed because mental health services did not exist in our country at the time and now I can't afford it.

Oh I see. So can those untimed-time tests be officially used by a doctor, or are they only unofficial?

They are official.

Unfortunately, job application-related IQ tests are always timed and companies always give it themselves.

I suppose there's a "general IQ" and "Work IQ". My general IQ would be high enough to perhaps be a philosopher or work on non time constrained projects but they don't make money especially if you needed money now.

I've actually won several amateur UAV design competitions because my design have considerably higher projected performance than everybody else although they only have knick knacks for prizes. Some of my designs have emerged in one of the largest aircraft companies a few years later. I don't think they copied it but simply independently came up with the design on their own. Sadly, I can't work in the field because my major is not even remotely related. I'm just saying on one particular field, I can be the smartest person in the room. I just can't make money from it.

And they ARE physically distancing themselves from me. On the elevator they don't stand next to me. When I was in Albuquerque few years ago, I remember I was the only one on the elevator, the door opens because a woman called an elevator, but then she won't walk in, so she avoided being in elevator with me. Right now in Berkeley this doesn't happen: they do come into the elevator. But still, I think they are only staying next to me because the elevator is overcrowded and they are forced to.

Appearance matters. Clothes, hair. You don't really need to be handsome or young to be approachable to women. You only need to look harmless and neat to them. If you wear your clothes and hair like a hobo or a junkie, women will probably avoid you even if you're the most handsome person in the block.

It can also be your smell or the smell of your clothes. Note that women have sharper sense of smell than men. They'll discern odors much sooner than men usually can. Ironically, I have as sharp sense of smell as women. Smells women seem to like are no odor, earthy (that outdoor air smell early in the morning or after a light rain), mild "keto odor", mild musky odor like that of a well-groomed dog, and certain perfumes in light application. Smells women don't want are sharp acid/vinegar-like smells, strong soapy odor, certain perfumes, and generally, the smell of bacterial infestation like the smell of garbage after a month. I've smelled that smell on people, only milder but still very off-putting. Perhaps avoid using soaps with strong odor.

If you can't detect these odors, ask someone who can if they can smell these odors on you.

Now, going back to your point. So you said women don't approach men. But I am wondering: could it be that women give non-verbal indications to men inviting them to approach them

Yes they do give non-verbal indications but I don't think I can be of help here. You can search over the internet what these non-verbal cues are. They're plenty.

 

[timewerx]

Weren't you saying before that you were significantly underweight, or at least look that way? Or is it that the way you look doesn't match the way you are on the scales? Does it mean your metabolic rate is slow, since you eat significantly under the calorie norm yet your weight is only slightly below it? Or is it that your body simply slowed down its metabolic rate in order to adjust to low calorie intake?

I'm underweight by 1 to 0.5 lbs and been maintaining this for nearly two years now. I doubt my base metabolic rate (BMR) would actually be lower than the calculators are showing me because of my high weekly volume of exercise. Athletes have significantly higher BMR than average.

I have little idea where my extra calories are coming from with my huge deficit in calories as much as 3,000 calories on some days. I'll just leave it to a miracle for now. The simplest explanation is my digestive system have adapted to turn more of the food into energy than waste and/or my entire body have adapted to recycle cellular waste products more efficiently.

In other words, I might be getting free calories from cellular waste products.

Or just the calorie system of measurement is fundamentally flawed ignoring the body's incredible ability to adapt.

But then the sexual activities they would perform in marriage would have similar effect on a woman as a prostitution. Wouldn't it leave most women psychologically damaged and in the state of victims of sexual abuse?

Reality doesn't really work that way and the world's view of sex and romance is over-inflated / over-hyped / overrated. The Bible doesn't even talk much about it. It's always been about the "mission" or the Gospel.

We have one popular example in the Bible - Queen Esther.