Old japan

[Bruyas]

It just occurred to me that in Old Japan suicide was an act of Honor. in Japan what do you think would have happened to all the Japanese people who commit suicide before Christianity was introduced. If circumstances happened to push someone to Suicide maybe it was meant to be. I know people will think this is completely wrong what I am saying but it's something that just occurred to me.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

Are you talking about seppuku (trigger warning)? It's called "honorable suicide" because it was committed by samurai. It was done because:
-they would rather die than fall into the hands of the enemy
or
-they committed some grievous act, and it's a form of capital punishment.

Suicide's always the wrong answer, no matter your beliefs. If you're feeling suicidal and you're located in the United States, 1-800-273-8255 is a 24/7 hotline that's there to help. They can listen, offer advice and find safe places you can go to if you're in danger or if you want help.

Please note they are required to call the police or an ambulance if they have reason to believe you have hurt yourself or you are a danger to yourself or others. This is perfectly legal and the correct choice. What will happen is, you'll be brought to the hospital (or a psychiatric ward) and be evaluated. You'll be held for about 24-72 hours, depending on your state and your doctor.

 

[Bruyas]

It was also done to atone for a wrongful Act and it would save the family honor. All I'm just saying is that it was an honorable act in Japan.

 

[Tempura]

You're reaching again, friend. Reaching to put some kind of honourable value to suicide, to make it more appealing, more valid as a choice. Said a prayer for you, hoping you would get help.

 

[Bruyas]

When there is no hope, especially none you can see on the horizon, its valid. No amount of drugs can change this. I am depressed for sure but i just dont see anything tbat will open up and I am using common sense and logic. I am trusting in Jesus and will keep trying to look for some positive things. Will pray. Hopefully god will answer some way.

 

[Tempura]

If you say it is valid, why are you trying to validate it through thoughts about japan, brothers and pastors? I don't think it's as valid as you say, and deep inside you know it too. But you were honest to yourself just now, when you said that it's hard to see another way out. I don't agree with that premise, but I remember when I had the same thoughts. The feeling and pressure can certainly be valid, even if the solutions those feelings are offering are not.

Drugs can help, no matter what you say, but they are only probably one tenth of available forms of treatment and help that works for people, and I would never recommend drugs only. They can, if they're the right ones for you, make things a little better, but they are more like a crutch than a cure - which might be what you meant. I prefer treatments involving other people myself. Therapy, some group therapy, therapeutic activities, good relationships (professional) with people who treat you, sometimes hospitals, everything. Some self-reflection too.

And time, Time. Patience, time, resilience. Step 1) get all the help you can, every time you need it. Not just drugs, but I won't advise against drugs either, I have surely needed them as well. Step 2) Live, do your best, and in time you will notice the difference. Doesn't matter how long it takes. I know it's extremely hard to have patience when the pressure and depression is rampant in one's soul, but luckily patience is a side product of suffering. You learn it every day, especially when you think you have none of it and that you can't take it much longer.

Common sense and logic are rarely sensible and logical when one is deeply depressed. It's the most narrow tunnel vision, and I have never been as senseless and blind than what I was at my most depressed. I believe you know this too, that those dark spirals of thought don't really work well with reason. They only work with what feeds it, which is misery and death. I hope you know I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm only worried, and I know what depression like that is like. Of course you are you, and I can't claim to have lived your experiences, but I can relate.

Trusting in Jesus is a wonderful thing. Will continue to pray for you. God bless.

 

[Jeshu]

My dear brother you do like walking the tight rope by the looks of it, and without a balancing pole. Suicide is never honorable, death is a curse that knives loving peoples hearts, plus suicide has the ugly power to put an evil often debilitating curse on the ones who love you most. So yes Japan was very much, and to a large degree still is, very controlled by society around them. This characteristic of Japan has brought much pain and anguish into peoples lives. The evils that ruled Japan brought about much suffering on both Japanese people as well as countless foreigners who suffered their cruel and brutal ways of operating. Loveless rulers always bring about death, oppression, injustices and the need to commit suicide, as you can see within your own life as well.

Great you continue to trust that Jesus is going to get you out. Please don't falter in that faith and do the trusting in His love when the desire to die comes, and volunteer to die as first one within the long line of sub parts of selves that has life in lies and is numbered to perish, so you can can begin to dress in His loving truth and enter the Feast upstairs rejoicing His life instead of mourning it.

Be of very good courage brother for those who wait will be rewarded the title sheep which the impatient in us never seem to receive.

Bye Bye Old

I might as well die.
No perfection in my deeds.
Just agonising suffering!
What benefit to make it longer?
I might as well abscond,
my so called responsibility.
I'm just a bondsman,
a slave to my physical reality.
Stuck with forces that only want,
Forcing much hate on me.
Bringing me untold misery,
Raping me all day long!
It hurts to stay around,
why not simply say goodbye!
Move on along the rippling tide,
forgetting what is down here.
Finding new horizons appearing,
instead of open warfare!
Why am I still fighting on?
Surely The Battle has been won!
Loving Truth is victorious,
also over my life!
And that's all that matters,
in The End.
Bye bye old
I'll Dress in New.

 

[Bruyas]

I appreciate all your words of advice tempura. It sounds like you have had the same type of experiences that I have had. I don't have a lot of patience but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm glad that you have found your way out of your depression. How long did it take to get over your depression? I know it may seem to take forever but I' would just like to know. For the record I am seeing a therapist but I will see how that goes.

 

[Bruyas]

Jeshu, I un understand that people may be shocked and hurt initially if something were to happen to me but they will get over it. I know they will. In Old Japan when one failed to do their Duty properly suicide was an option and it was accepted in that type of environment. I know we live in a Christian type upbringing, but I have also seen a lot of Japanese culture and their way of doing things. Sometimes it seems that both seem to merge and my values get a little confused. This is a cruel world and I struggle to be a good christian, but I need patience I guess. Jeshu, have you ever experienced severe depression and Suicidal Thoughts? If so, how did you handle it and how long did it last?

 

[Jeshu]

Jeshu, I un understand that people may be shocked and hurt initially if something were to happen to me but they will get over it. I know they will. In Old Japan when one failed to do their Duty properly suicide was an option and it was accepted in that type of environment. I know we live in a Christian type upbringing, but I have also seen a lot of Japanese culture and their way of doing things. Sometimes it seems that both seem to merge and my values get a little confused. This is a cruel world and I struggle to be a good christian, but I need patience I guess. Jeshu, have you ever experienced severe depression and Suicidal Thoughts? If so, how did you handle it and how long did it last?

Yes I have often been suicidal in my life, twice the Lord stopped me from going through with it. I even begged my wife and kids to let me go and used to think just like you do now that my loved ones would get over it. However I knew from another suicide in our family that this isn't true and that suicide is very cruel on loved ones and has very deep and long lasting wounds. This what stopped me from killing myself, but I was very angry at this truth and at the time wished I didn't know it.

Suicide has to be battled dear brother, they more you excuse thoughts or feelings of suicide, or entertain the thoughts that it is a way out, the worse suicide will pester you. At first it seems all about mercy killing, but when you resist suicide then the wicked pushing such ideas drop all pretense and go for the jugular vein and it can get very ugly - time and again.

I wrote a poem about my battle with suicide I would like to share it with you, see what you think.

Miseries Ugly Truth

My truth is sore and ugly,
my truth is I hate my life.
The Truth is, truth is unwanted!
my truth is rotten to the core,
my truth stinks like sewage.

My truth is hard and mean,
My truth is without any good.
The Truth is, my truth burns!
My truth is a walk in darkness,
my truth kills my good life.

My truth lies to me continually
my truth isn't holy or blameless
The Truth is, my truth is the pits!
my truth is utterly godforsaken
my truth is irredeemable.

My truth is utterly rejected,
my truth hands out no mercy.
The Truth is, my truth is loveless!
My truth hotly desires good life,
my truth hurts like Hell.

My truth is not welcome,
my truth is not loved.
The Truth is, My God, my God,
why have I forsaken You?
Is that why I'm down here?

 

[Tempura]

I appreciate all your words of advice tempura. It sounds like you have had the same type of experiences that I have had. I don't have a lot of patience but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm glad that you have found your way out of your depression. How long did it take to get over your depression? I know it may seem to take forever but I' would just like to know. For the record I am seeing a therapist but I will see how that goes.

I'd say the absolute worst phase lasted a couple of years, but when I really started to feel and think that "damn, I'm better now", I think that was after 12 years or so. I've seen people getting better in a lot shorter time too, and some people took longer. The number one reason why it took so long for me was that I did everything wrong. I started to self-medicate myself with alcohol and I also abused some prescription drugs to get that certain high. At one point I was a full alcoholic and substance abuser, and given that I'm the sensitive guy that I am, failed relationships and heartbreak was also something that I couldn't deal with, so whatever I did wrong, I started to do more wrong. At the same time I needed some of those drugs to contain my anxiety, so I can't say that I didn't need it, but I used it to escape, not to endure the anxiety and depression.

Reason number two, probably as important as reason number one, was that I wasn't honest with myself and I didn't want to embrace my weaknesses. I was broken and I knew it, but I couldn't face it. Instead of accepting my weaknesses, and those of others, I trusted my knee-jerk reactions and feelings, and became just bitter. All that I thought was about everything I lost (including loved ones and my jobs), everything that other people seemed to have and I didn't, everything what others could do and I couldn't. It was a bitter cycle that only fueled my depression. It made me go deeper into that well where nothing else existed but worthlessness, pain, sadness and the things I couldn't have, all of those things I beat myself in the head with.

I still think the turning point was one day. I don't know if I was drunk, most likely was, in a horrible distress. The pain was so great that I had to continuously punch myself in the stomach and chest to make me feel anything else but that wallowing, strange hopelessness I could feel physically inside me. I was crying and moaning like the wreck that I was, and I was sure that I would have to kill myself, even if I didn't want to die. I was sure that I would have to do it to end the suffering. And then, instead of doing it, I broke down and asked Jesus to help me. I remember admitting to him that I don't know what to do, and that I would do anything. I also remember saying that I have screwed everything up and I know I don't believe in Him enough, but I don't know where else to go anymore. Then I think I crawled to my mother's house and said I need help. It set certain wheels in motion, and I got back into treatment again.

That moment was good for a couple of reasons. First, I turned to God, which probably marked the start of my search for Him and it still goes on to this day. Second, I admitted all my fears and weaknesses, not only to God, but for myself as well. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid I could never be whole again, I was afraid of people and social contact, I was afraid of my shyness, I was afraid I could never fit in anywhere, I was afraid I could never have love again or even real friendships, I was afraid I could never handle the sadness I felt or the losses I knew, I was afraid of myself and what I could do, I was afraid of what I couldn't do. I was afraid I was doomed. I didn't obey my fears, but dammit if I didn't realize them clearly. For once, I didn't obey them. I could feel them hitting my head and my heart, but I didn't hate myself for it.

When I got back into the treatment, I had lost my useless rebellion. I knew I needed help. I could be so much more honest to those people in that place (it was a place where I went in the morning and came out in the afternoon, 5 days a week. Therapists were there, some activities, nurses and people. Doctor too, twice a week. I went to a hospital a couple times later too, but that's another story). I remember one session with my therapist, I was talking about my fears, and how I'm so damn shy and afraid of everything that I can't function. She told me that it was okay to be afraid, okay to be shy. It may seem like a useless platitude, but it hit me that time, because I was open to it. "It's okay to have weaknesses. It's okay if you're afraid. It's okay if you can't perform in something, you can accept this, and you have all the time and many means to get better at the things that bother you the most. We'll help you, we can practice."

For the first time, I gave myself the permission to be as weak as I was, to be the absolute wreck of a man and still be allowed to live, love and hope. For the first time, I could allow just a little bit of mercy and forgiveness towards myself. I still have weaknesses and fears, I'm still a bit melancholic and I'm not exactly a productive member of society, but these things don't control my life anymore. I came to realize how God's love is perfect too, in comparison to my love which can only be a little spark at times. At some point I stopped "worshiping" my sins and wrongdoings and regrets, and started focusing on God's grace instead. Finally, I could lay all this crap down and give it all to Christ, and give myself to Him as well. Finally, I could put my hope and trust in something else than my feelings of turmoil. I was free to live with all my weaknesses, but in hope, for the first time. All I have to do is believe it. And if I sometimes feel I don't have enough faith in it, I realize it's a failure on my part only, and that's why Christ came: to do what we never could. So if I can't trust my own faith, I trust someone greater in any case. Like the man who didn't know how to pray, who just asked for mercy, who knew that he wasn't a very righteous man, but whose prayer Christ liked. It's not even our faith we should trust, but the one we put our faith in. Christ came to set us free, when we don't have the strength and wisdom and faith to do it ourselves. It's freedom, it's hope, and it let me see love in a whole new light. I can not only forgive myself and accept my weaknesses, but God willing, forgive and accept other people as well. I can't tell you the freedom I felt, when after so long time I could step out of myself, to step out of that box and focus on someone another, to love another person. Not only did God allow me to forgive and accept myself, allowing me to heal and see better, He allowed me to do the same for other people as well. To understand that everyone has weaknesses, and to love in complete freedom, without wanting anything back. Even one fleeting moment like that, and I'm richer than many.
Not that I'm a perfect all-loving person, I'm not. I'm still a sinner like everyone else, but I now know the freedom that comes with love.

Those were long years, but right now I'm still thankful for it all. I learned a lot. I do believe God carried me over the worst, even if at the time I didn't feel like it at all. I endured, not because I was strong, not because I was stoically patient, but because I didn't totally give in. At times all it took was just that: not obeying that pressing feeling, that voice in my head to end it all. One day at a time. I got help plenty of times, sometimes I had to bang my head against a wall, sometimes I was too rebellious and know-it-all for my own good. I stopped going to therapy a few times, because I didn't think it was working. In the end, after a long time, it did. The therapist was a compassionate one too, and even if some sessions weren't that good, I could always tell her the truth. Along the way I met people who were as broken as me, each one in their own way. I guess at times we could comfort each other. I met some people who had been through hell but survived, just to show me some light and hope. I saw kindness come from unexpected places in unexpected times, to counter all the darkness and negligence I saw otherwise. I also believe that time alone helped. The more time went by, the more I had experience in dealing with things. We cannot know the amount of strength we have in the end. We can only know it after the fact.

I even saw people getting better when I still wasn't. I remember one woman, in her fifties, who came in as a crying mess. She was really a wreck, absolutely hopeless. She went to get some ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), and came back smiling. Not smiling like some brainwashed robot, but just as herself. I tried it too, didn't work, but I got to see first-hand how it worked for someone in any case. I can't count all the experiences and things I learned from. There were plenty. There is always hope, and like Paul said: we hope for what we cannot see. If we have it and we see it, why would we hope for it?

edit: well done, getting a therapist. Well done man! Be patient with it, and be honest with your therapist. Pour your heart out. Let's hope it's a good one. Many times, like in my case, we can drop out thinking it doesn't work, but not only does it take time, it takes a certain receptiveness on our part as well. It's contribution, two people working together. If it turns out the person in question isn't good at his/her job, you can always try another one, but no reason to get negative beforehand. Well done! That's a great step. It's you actively doing something about the things that are troubling you. You're taking steps yourself. It's important. I'm proud of you. Yeah!

 

[Jeshu]

I'd say the absolute worst phase lasted a couple of years, but when I really started to feel and think that "damn, I'm better now", I think that was after 12 years or so. I've seen people getting better in a lot shorter time too, and some people took longer. The number one reason why it took so long for me was that I did everything wrong. I started to self-medicate myself with alcohol and I also abused some prescription drugs to get that certain high. At one point I was a full alcoholic and substance abuser, and given that I'm the sensitive guy that I am, failed relationships and heartbreak was also something that I couldn't deal with, so whatever I did wrong, I started to do more wrong. At the same time I needed some of those drugs to contain my anxiety, so I can't say that I didn't need it, but I used it to escape, not to endure the anxiety and depression.

Reason number two, probably as important as reason number one, was that I wasn't honest with myself and I didn't want to embrace my weaknesses. I was broken and I knew it, but I couldn't face it. Instead of accepting my weaknesses, and those of others, I trusted my knee-jerk reactions and feelings, and became just bitter. All that I thought was about everything I lost (including loved ones and my jobs), everything that other people seemed to have and I didn't, everything what others could do and I couldn't. It was a bitter cycle that only fueled my depression. It made me go deeper into that well where nothing else existed but worthlessness, pain, sadness and the things I couldn't have, all of those things I beat myself in the head with.

I still think the turning point was one day. I don't know if I was drunk, most likely was, in a horrible distress. The pain was so great that I had to continuously punch myself in the stomach and chest to make me feel anything else but that wallowing, strange hopelessness I could feel physically inside me. I was crying and moaning like the wreck that I was, and I was sure that I would have to kill myself, even if I didn't want to die. I was sure that I would have to do it to end the suffering. And then, instead of doing it, I broke down and asked Jesus to help me. I remember admitting to him that I don't know what to do, and that I would do anything. I also remember saying that I have screwed everything up and I know I don't believe in Him enough, but I don't know where else to go anymore. Then I think I crawled to my mother's house and said I need help. It set certain wheels in motion, and I got back into treatment again.

That moment was good for a couple of reasons. First, I turned to God, which probably marked the start of my search for Him and it still goes on to this day. Second, I admitted all my fears and weaknesses, not only to God, but for myself as well. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid I could never be whole again, I was afraid of people and social contact, I was afraid of my shyness, I was afraid I could never fit in anywhere, I was afraid I could never have love again or even real friendships, I was afraid I could never handle the sadness I felt or the losses I knew, I was afraid of myself and what I could do, I was afraid of what I couldn't do. I was afraid I was doomed. I didn't obey my fears, but dammit if I didn't realize them clearly. For once, I didn't obey them. I could feel them hitting my head and my heart, but I didn't hate myself for it.

When I got back into the treatment, I had lost my useless rebellion. I knew I needed help. I could be so much more honest to those people in that place (it was a place where I went in the morning and came out in the afternoon, 5 days a week. Therapists were there, some activities, nurses and people. Doctor too, twice a week. I went to a hospital a couple times later too, but that's another story). I remember one session with my therapist, I was talking about my fears, and how I'm so damn shy and afraid of everything that I can't function. She told me that it was okay to be afraid, okay to be shy. It may seem like a useless platitude, but it hit me that time, because I was open to it. "It's okay to have weaknesses. It's okay if you're afraid. It's okay if you can't perform in something, you can accept this, and you have all the time and many means to get better at the things that bother you the most. We'll help you, we can practice."

For the first time, I gave myself the permission to be as weak as I was, to be the absolute wreck of a man and still be allowed to live, love and hope. For the first time, I could allow just a little bit of mercy and forgiveness towards myself. I still have weaknesses and fears, I'm still a bit melancholic and I'm not exactly a productive member of society, but these things don't control my life anymore. I came to realize how God's love is perfect too, in comparison to my love which can only be a little spark at times. At some point I stopped "worshiping" my sins and wrongdoings and regrets, and started focusing on God's grace instead. Finally, I could lay all this crap down and give it all to Christ, and give myself to Him as well. Finally, I could put my hope and trust in something else than my feelings of turmoil. I was free to live with all my weaknesses, but in hope, for the first time. All I have to do is believe it. And if I sometimes feel I don't have enough faith in it, I realize it's a failure on my part only, and that's why Christ came: to do what we never could. So if I can't trust my own faith, I trust someone greater in any case. Like the man who didn't know how to pray, who just asked for mercy, who knew that he wasn't a very righteous man, but whose prayer Christ liked. It's not even our faith we should trust, but the one we put our faith in. Christ came to set us free, when we don't have the strength and wisdom and faith to do it ourselves. It's freedom, it's hope, and it let me see love in a whole new light. I can not only forgive myself and accept my weaknesses, but God willing, forgive and accept other people as well. I can't tell you the freedom I felt, when after so long time I could step out of myself, to step out of that box and focus on someone another, to love another person. Not only did God allow me to forgive and accept myself, allowing me to heal and see better, He allowed me to do the same for other people as well. To understand that everyone has weaknesses, and to love in complete freedom, without wanting anything back. Even one fleeting moment like that, and I'm richer than many.
Not that I'm a perfect all-loving person, I'm not. I'm still a sinner like everyone else, but I now know the freedom that comes with love.

Those were long years, but right now I'm still thankful for it all. I learned a lot. I do believe God carried me over the worst, even if at the time I didn't feel like it at all. I endured, not because I was strong, not because I was stoically patient, but because I didn't totally give in. At times all it took was just that: not obeying that pressing feeling, that voice in my head to end it all. One day at a time. I got help plenty of times, sometimes I had to bang my head against a wall, sometimes I was too rebellious and know-it-all for my own good. I stopped going to therapy a few times, because I didn't think it was working. In the end, after a long time, it did. The therapist was a compassionate one too, and even if some sessions weren't that good, I could always tell her the truth. Along the way I met people who were as broken as me, each one in their own way. I guess at times we could comfort each other. I met some people who had been through hell but survived, just to show me some light and hope. I saw kindness come from unexpected places in unexpected times, to counter all the darkness and negligence I saw otherwise. I also believe that time alone helped. The more time went by, the more I had experience in dealing with things. We cannot know the amount of strength we have in the end. We can only know it after the fact.

I even saw people getting better when I still wasn't. I remember one woman, in her fifties, who came in as a crying mess. She was really a wreck, absolutely hopeless. She went to get some ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), and came back smiling. Not smiling like some brainwashed robot, but just as herself. I tried it too, didn't work, but I got to see first-hand how it worked for someone in any case. I can't count all the experiences and things I learned from. There were plenty. There is always hope, and like Paul said: we hope for what we cannot see. If we have it and we see it, why would we hope for it?

edit: well done, getting a therapist. Well done man! Be patient with it, and be honest with your therapist. Pour your heart out. Let's hope it's a good one. Many times, like in my case, we can drop out thinking it doesn't work, but not only does it take time, it takes a certain receptiveness on our part as well. It's contribution, two people working together. If it turns out the person in question isn't good at his/her job, you can always try another one, but no reason to get negative beforehand. Well done! That's a great step. It's you actively doing something about the things that are troubling you. You're taking steps yourself. It's important. I'm proud of you. Yeah!

Thanks for sharing, we serve a great and awesome God.

 

[Press On]

Bruyas, this is an awesome thread; I hope it has a long life.

Thank you for your openness and honesty. It is good and theraputic for you to do this; a step in the right direction.

Jeshu and Tempura are fine men. The are my dear friends though we are scattered across the globe. They have been there for me both privately and publicly.

I never attempted suicide but have thought about it a few times in my worst moments. There was a psychological quirk that somehow got a sort of sick satisfaction about planning the act in the minutest detail. I would mentally walk myself through the fantasy, correcting, making changes. Then the desire would fade and I felt a little better in a strange way, though it really did nothing to positively address the depression; it was just a jaded feeling.

When I found my wife recently nearly dead from a totally unexpected suicide attempt I calmly and quickly did what I needed to do; I didn't freeze or fall apart. But her attempt made a lasting impression on me, a jumble of questions, doubt, fear and guilt. A tortuous state of mind I would not wish on anyone; it's too horrible.

We got past it; she got help, is doing well most days and has learned from her mistake. And this long time depressive hopeless basket case (me) was there by the strength and grace of God to overcome his own sickness and battles enough to help her in her time of need. I have helped others, too, by knowing what to say and what not to say (VERY important when a dear hurting soul is contemplating the ultimate decision to end it).

Depression has messed with my life many times, caused me to make bad decisions, cost me jobs and opportunities because I listened to the lies my mind was selling me, not realizing for many years this sweet seduction of lies was attempting to destroy me.

Bruyas, you can be victorious; you have already demonstrated this by your openness. You DO care about yourself; you DO wish to love, serve and honor your Creator, and He will honor and bless your faithfulness. But you have to FIGHT! Don't listen to feelings and thoughts. Acknowledge them, but if they are not God honoring or address and reflect reality, stand on the Word and tell the enemy to get behind thee. This is what Jesus had to do in the wilderness when Satan was messing with Him. You will get through these struggles and come out much stronger for it. Prayer, faith, perhaps with counseling and meds if needed. These will all help. And of course, there is always this forum to use as a safe haven. God bless you.

 

[Bruyas]

Press on. I know they are fine individuals, and I appreciate their words of encouragements. It sounds like you have a strong support system. I have my brother and a couple of good friends and that's it. Do you have any suggestions for when I am just isolated as to what to do or think about because that's when I am at my lowest and that's when these thoughts just come back to me. I can think of drinking or takeing drugs but nothing else. This isolation though is killing me. Going out takes a huge amount of energy, and I have zero motivation do you any other suggestions about what else I can do. I know my may mind is pounding with suicidal thoughts and any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[sarah_beloved]

Hi Bruyas,

You've had excellent advices already, but perhaps something from my experience would be of encouragement to you

I went through a difficult break-up couple years ago but I've always been able to bounce back very easily, so I thought that I would recover quickly. I turned to alcohol, partying and casual relationships to numb my pain but somehow this time nothing worked. I didn't realise it at that time, but I was digging a dark hole for myself. Then very subtly, the thoughts crept into my mind. I could be simply waiting for the traffic light, and my mind would say, "Go on, just dash across. The cars are fast enough. Your problems would be solved." Or I could be taking some sleeping pills, and I would be tempted to "just take a few more and I'd never have to wake up again". I read through one of the journal entries I wrote at that time and it says "people tell me to stay strong. how can I possibly win when I'm the one who wants to kill myself?" The only reason I did not go ahead was because I had a young child. Though many times I thought of taking him along with me.

I isolated myself from all my friends. Ironically, because deep down I was desperately calling for help. But no one around me really knew how bad it was. Not a single person. And no one knew all the terrible things I did during that period of time. The pills from the psychiatrist made things slightly better, and my sessions with the psychologist were helpful, but very minimal. I recovered only after I started attending my current church. It took me merely about 2 weeks to be confident enough to stop my pills and counselling. During these 2 weeks, I constantly surrounded myself with messages (devotionals, sermons or music) that speaks of Jesus' love for me. I clung onto it for dear life and I'm convinced that it is His love that healed me. I believe it will for you too.

Thinking back, it was this dark season in my life that made me appreciate the steadfast love of Christ and it helped me recognise how desperate I am for a saviour. I did not had a strong support system. I kept my illness from my family (typical Asian family, no one talks about feelings. Taboo). My friends tried, but didn't understand. Eventually I got so sick of it then I decided not to meet like half of my friends. And I'm an introvert so my number of friends isn't very high in the first place. And this is not a good idea.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find at least one person whom you trust, is able to understand what you're going through, and you'd have to be accountable to this person. Pray. Pray A LOT. Listen to sermons that focuses on God's love for you. God is close to the broken-hearted.

You have taken the first step to recovery by asking for help. You WILL get you here, soon enough. Take care and God bless. Fighting! Precious warrior of Christ. He holds you and will carry you through this.

 

[Press On]

Press on. I know they are fine individuals, and I appreciate their words of encouragements. It sounds like you have a strong support system. I have my brother and a couple of good friends and that's it. Do you have any suggestions for when I am just isolated as to what to do or think about because that's when I am at my lowest and that's when these thoughts just come back to me. I can think of drinking or takeing drugs but nothing else. This isolation though is killing me. Going out takes a huge amount of energy, and I have zero motivation do you any other suggestions about what else I can do. I know my may mind is pounding with suicidal thoughts and any suggestions would be appreciated.

Let me pray and think about this; I will get back to you later today. Blessings.

 

[Jeshu]

Press on. I know they are fine individuals, and I appreciate their words of encouragements. It sounds like you have a strong support system. I have my brother and a couple of good friends and that's it. Do you have any suggestions for when I am just isolated as to what to do or think about because that's when I am at my lowest and that's when these thoughts just come back to me. I can think of drinking or takeing drugs but nothing else. This isolation though is killing me. Going out takes a huge amount of energy, and I have zero motivation do you any other suggestions about what else I can do. I know my may mind is pounding with suicidal thoughts and any suggestions would be appreciated.

You know what really helped me apart of not heeding my depressed feelings and thoughts? To reflect where Jesus was in all of this misery I was going through. Our current self centered culture has twisted faith in Jesus to mean a blessed and productive life down here, however many forget that Jesus warned us that it would be very difficult to follow Him. The word of God tell us that Jesus would bring darkness and not light, the sword and not peace, division and not harmony. It are these clues that helped me find Jesus in my misery and I found God crucified right at the bottom of it all along with me. Over time I started to realise that Jesus knew suffering very well, but not only that, He overcomes suffering and brings good life out of bad life - just look at the cross and the Victory over darkness Jesus won dying down there for us so long ago. This is comprehension changed the way I look at my self a depressed person.

Suffering bad life, like we depressed people so often do, in truth cements us spiritually with our Father and Brother in Heaven in S)s)pirit, however agreeing with bad life separates us from God's good life and brings more bad life hurting Him and ourselves deeply in the process. This way God suffers the wicked, and has suffered the wicked, and will suffer the wicked for as long as we, His lost children, give room for those evil forces to come out of the Abyss (that is the uncreated by God) and let them dwell in our hearts destroying it. When you read the Psalms you will find this theme back time and again - the righteous, or innocent suffer at the hand of the guilty - the wicked and so the goats oppress the sheep right within our own inner being and the parables of Christ about the kingdom of God within us will begin to make even much more sense than it ever did before.

Can you see the dividing line brother? When you see that you have life with, or among the wicked doing the hurting, then the only choice you have is to die to all of that and refuse to have life in such spirituality. Be that hate, hopelessness, despair, fear, loneliness, shame, guilt, self-pity or any other spirituality that is anti-Christ - feelings and thoughts which do not bring/shape into the truth of God, but rather lies about Him, ourselves and/or our neighbour, as well as about the past, the present and the future, and brings us our misery because such thoughts and feelings kill our good life within - the truth of God dwelling within us - and torture us with their lies which brings us our torturous reality.

However when you see that bad life brings bad life, then you also begin to understand that good life brings good life - the bible simply says what you sow you will harvest. So when we sow bad life - like longing to kill ourselves - then we will reap bad life - irresistible urges to do the killing when bad life presses its misery on us - instead of good life. However if we are in bad life and we begin to sow good life - like resisting suicidal thoughts with the truth of God's word - then we will reap a good harvest instead of a bad one.

For example if we can't love ourselves because we are sinners then we reap depression and desolation serving such abominable thoughts ruling and not love for ourselves while we are still sinners like God loves us while we are still sinners. Or if we can't accept how we have been made, for then we are not faithful to His good Creation and will suffer incredible anguish in return for doing that - for God (The Truth) goes through such anguish us thinking and feeling like that and leaving Him and His loving truth out of the equation. Or if we want (look forward to) sinful people to go to hell - for the Word tells us the God doesn't desire that but wants everybody to be saved.

Now the wicked are within your own household and in your inner control room - right within your own inner world of being. Reading the Word of God as a personal address will expose the wicked and comfort the righteous within you. See and hear the wicked hating, mocking, despising, oppressing, imprisoning, enslaving and killing the righteous within your heart, just like the the bible teaches, (Isaiah 57:1-4) and understand that it is them who go to hell and that you the one who is hurting them and their works is chosen to rule with Christ over your life instead of them and that this is what the battle is all about. Total freedom to exist in His loving grace and producing good life even when bad life presses hard, this is the inheritance that God's children will receive from our Fatherly hand at the end of the battle, (Ezekiel 36-37,) plus treasures that cannot be valued that is how much you will rob from the wicked when Christ comes, and slays them all and sets you free in His Kingdom. (Ezekiel 38-39)

So to make a very long spiel short - the truth of God's Word sets us free from the lies ruling/dominating our hearts and minds - and brings us kingship with Jesus at the end of the road in our struggle against the wicked trying to rob us of our eternal good life.

I wrote the following poem when the light went on and I began to see the cause of my inner darkness and misery right within myself. (It is a shape poem - a massive nuclear explosion right within my own space.

Hey Evil Ones!

See.., hear.., feel..?
Do, do, do is what you always yell,
have, have, have is what you always want,
take, take, take is what you always do,
permanently silencing those arising in opposition,
in darkness your evil deeds committing.
Yet what is it all for?
Your realities - the nucleus of wickedness - ruling life?
Who paid for the construction of your daily selves?
Knowing that you are not realising time as you should?
To be the ones after the making of your own waylaid egos?
(Yet perhaps, in retrospect, perishing the morning after,
each time some more - (Oh such a wonderful sight!))

Yet for now - rule.., rule.., rule..,
arrogance decreeing the moments,
inviting evil into being!
Fear.., guilt.., shame!
Much good is forced into hiding!
Innocence is perpetually raped!
Honesty has been imprisoned!
Malefic murderers stalk the night!
Cruel addictions dominate life's needs and desires,
threatening torture and grand scale genocide,
constantly striving for yet more mastery over life,
a great job at being free you are making of it.
Please tell - any excuse to validate your lives of dominant ascendancy?
Will deceiving, hurting, robbing and killing life keep going unpunished?

Run.., hide.., mask..,so many lies!
Captivating souls in reigns that scourge,
spoofing perceptions into untrue opinions,
stealthy hypocrisy masques true intent,
turning peaceful good into evil lusts,
Pulling strings creating conforming puppets,
becharming, abducting, and imprisoning,
cowardly hiding behind the bushes along the route,
waiting for the innocent to come walking past.
Hey yellow - changed your colour as of late?
Any of your unveilings been upfront and honest?
Which fictitious identity are you using now?
Still hiding in the same shrouded place?
Hidden headquarters far below the surface?
Billing the cost of your power trip to whom?
How are you planning to abscond all that at The End?
Why will you not respond to any of these questions?
Or do your answers hate the Truth of Life's Light?

Curse.., swear.., yell..,
yes always huffing and puffing,
denying that serving Jesus is Loving Truth.
Tightening values even enforcing moral belts,
yet feasting on the lusts ensuing human flesh.
Flaming rebellion and holier-than-thou attitudes,
destructiveness trying good to accomplish bad,
securing guiltless hearts out of God's existence.
No love for truth is the rule behind wicked lies,
self exultation snaring human egocentricity,
suffocating, strangling, throttling,
till honest to God is out of breath, prayer faltering into a deadening hold, deception giving rise to lovelessness,
judgement towering over everything.


Twist, swerve, duck, jump,
and then into the attack,
with a cutting tongue to nuke.
getting it out in just one moment,those lying voices of contempt and defilement, cultivating dishonesty and lovelessness, threatening disgrace using guilty feelings, dimming internal lights - dulling comprehension, conquering and captivating even the young, twisting straight paths into covering-up tracks, how long before these devilish tongues will still?

You steal the goodness life has on offer!
For hey, that is what you must carry,
fading stars - falling meteorites of existence,
your woeful truths - evil self retaining - eternally!

For when The Truth comes,
His Light burning your lies,
how will you rule me then?
What power have you got?
Believing you, robs strength,
I myself believing your lies,
stealing my good life away.
You're the worst scum there is,
evil brood, vipers eggs hatching!
What else but to heed Jesus Christ,
our Heavenly Father's Loving Truth?
Jesus true God made Flesh and Blood!
He conquered all you evil ones!
I'll heed His truth instead of you,
how then can you hurt me any longer?


So hear me well
all you evildoers!
I tell you once, I tell you twice..,
I will never forgive wickedness
for being being evil!

OUT OF MY LIFE,
THE LOT OF YOU!!!!

I'll never again listen,
eat your crap,
or listen to beguiling lies!
God's love and peace
my truth instead!
Ruling with Jesus!

Hotter! Yes fry! Burn.., burn.., burn! What temperature
must the fire reach ere you loosen your deadly grip on humanity?

You controlling spirits,
ruling human beings,
defecating good
truth turning ugly.

Life's light within
is what you steal and murder
transforming our truth
into a most volatile fuel!

Can you escape
the flames you yourselves have lit?
The fact is - you always harmed life with your evil lies,
having no mercy on the sick, old, poor and weak ever.
Can you relent from all this
when you run out of time?
Those wicked thoroughfares
out of your back doors?
One big slide into the
gaping mouth called hell!
Your pained and hellish
anguish shall then be,
your thoughts
cashing your words
and your deeds!

As for me?
I shall finally break free,
and come and go as I like,
no more fear inside of me to strike.
Free from cruel imprisonments inwardly,
truly be as I was always destined to be.
A clear conscious - speaks of paradise,
shining like a star at night - I shall arise.
Genuinely the Lord's servant I shall be,
exulting The Way Jesus is also teaches me.
Lambs beside beasts of prey graze the field,
snake bites no longer poison yield.
I shall pick up my bed and walk,
no evil to my heart and mind to talk.
Receiving a kingship from eternity,
ruling my being in peace and prosperity.
This is what I pray will happen to my soul;
that God - The Father of Life - BE - All in All!

Come Lord Jesus, please come and collect The Chosen!​

 

[Press On]

Hi Bruyas,

Sometimes when I'm driving or doing yardwork I like to listen to online playlists I've created made up of classic 60s rock and folk, as I am a classic rock musician. But during the times I feel vulnerable and on edge I sense a nudging in my spirit to put aside worldly influences because I need nourishment. Unpleasant thoughts of hurtful words and actions by others come to mind causing tendencies toward depression, revenge, self pity, a myriad of other things to bring me down.

I then choose to listen to the Book of Psalms, Proverbs, or any book of Scripture via a venue such as Youtube. Some of these are KJV, but there are other contemporary free versions like NIV.

Psalms is particularly good to listen to when I am depressed. Don't do it for a distraction, or "white noise", but really listen, as if God's personal love letter is being read just for your ears. Own it; it's for YOU!

Of course, reading is always good, too. But I choose to read and study Scripture at the end of my day.

Sons of Korah is a group I love to listen to. We all have our favorites. These singers/musicians often put the Psalms to music in a pleasing easy listening way. Psalm 95 is my favorite. Psalm 69 is about depression, as are many others. Again, the key is to really listen and believe what is said.

Talk to God, as He is your Creator. There isn't anything He doesn't already know; He can't be bluffed or fooled. Express your anger or frustration with Him about things: your life, how you feel, whatever. He can take it.

Think about what you DO have in the way of blessings. Count them...even the little things. They mount up fast.

Express your love for our Creator; He has made nature a beautiful work of art. Plants and animals.... intricate and detailed. The human body...awesome! Everything is in it's place......except humans....a truly rebellious lot.

Make a sincere attempt to do something. Volunteer. Smile at people; exchange pleasantries in a sincere manner. Somebody is always hurting worse than we are. I have often been led to pray with people, sometime virtual strangers, descreetly, because it's often emotional and personal. I ran into this a lot in my 28 years as a truck driver pulling tankers & also working for UPS. Met all kinds of folks all over the 48 states. We are all the same. Then sometimes, oh man, I would be driving my truck so sad and sometimes in tears.....about.....I have no idea. Both needed and being in need at different times. Depression.

Sitting/lying around is very detrimental when depressed, but it's a natural inclination. Try not to give in.

Get plenty of rest. Don't try to solve everybody's problems and don't be a dumping ground for their own unhappiness with life.

Be kind, but guard your heart. Don't let your kindness be taken for weakness. Evil is everywhere.

Even in your frustration/anger you realize how much you love Him and want to KNOW your Lifegiver, not just ABOUT Him. We see through the glass darkly, as Scripture says. We can't fathom God; we know so little yet try to form religion and doctrine around our meager understanding. Religion has little value to me.

Sorry for the ramble. I've been thinking a lot about your posts. Take my meager offerings as the musings of an older man who has lived through a lot...and I'm still here relatively intact. Take what you can use; discard the rest. A bit later I will PM some Scripture to help you with times of depression if you are set up to receive PMs. Blessings.

 

[Bruyas]

You know what really helped me apart of not heeding my depressed feelings and thoughts? To reflect where Jesus was in all of this misery I was going through. Our current self centered culture has twisted faith in Jesus to mean a blessed and productive life down here, however many forget that Jesus warned us that it would be very difficult to follow Him. The word of God tell us that Jesus would bring darkness and not light, the sword and not peace, division and not harmony. It are these clues that helped me find Jesus in my misery and I found God crucified right at the bottom of it all along with me. Over time I started to realise that Jesus knew suffering very well, but not only that, He overcomes suffering and brings good life out of bad life - just look at the cross and the Victory over darkness Jesus won dying down there for us so long ago. This is comprehension changed the way I look at my self a depressed person.

Suffering bad life, like we depressed people so often do, in truth cements us spiritually with our Father and Brother in Heaven in S)s)pirit, however agreeing with bad life separates us from God's good life and brings more bad life hurting Him and ourselves deeply in the process. This way God suffers the wicked, and has suffered the wicked, and will suffer the wicked for as long as we, His lost children, give room for those evil forces to come out of the Abyss (that is the uncreated by God) and let them dwell in our hearts destroying it. When you read the Psalms you will find this theme back time and again - the righteous, or innocent suffer at the hand of the guilty - the wicked and so the goats oppress the sheep right within our own inner being and the parables of Christ about the kingdom of God within us will begin to make even much more sense than it ever did before.

Can you see the dividing line brother? When you see that you have life with, or among the wicked doing the hurting, then the only choice you have is to die to all of that and refuse to have life in such spirituality. Be that hate, hopelessness, despair, fear, loneliness, shame, guilt, self-pity or any other spirituality that is anti-Christ - feelings and thoughts which do not bring/shape into the truth of God, but rather lies about Him, ourselves and/or our neighbour, as well as about the past, the present and the future, and brings us our misery because such thoughts and feelings kill our good life within - the truth of God dwelling within us - and torture us with their lies which brings us our torturous reality.

However when you see that bad life brings bad life, then you also begin to understand that good life brings good life - the bible simply says what you sow you will harvest. So when we sow bad life - like longing to kill ourselves - then we will reap bad life - irresistible urges to do the killing when bad life presses its misery on us - instead of good life. However if we are in bad life and we begin to sow good life - like resisting suicidal thoughts with the truth of God's word - then we will reap a good harvest instead of a bad one.

For example if we can't love ourselves because we are sinners then we reap depression and desolation serving such abominable thoughts ruling and not love for ourselves while we are still sinners like God loves us while we are still sinners. Or if we can't accept how we have been made, for then we are not faithful to His good Creation and will suffer incredible anguish in return for doing that - for God (The Truth) goes through such anguish us thinking and feeling like that and leaving Him and His loving truth out of the equation. Or if we want (look forward to) sinful people to go to hell - for the Word tells us the God doesn't desire that but wants everybody to be saved.

Now the wicked are within your own household and in your inner control room - right within your own inner world of being. Reading the Word of God as a personal address will expose the wicked and comfort the righteous within you. See and hear the wicked hating, mocking, despising, oppressing, imprisoning, enslaving and killing the righteous within your heart, just like the the bible teaches, (Isaiah 57:1-4) and understand that it is them who go to hell and that you the one who is hurting them and their works is chosen to rule with Christ over your life instead of them and that this is what the battle is all about. Total freedom to exist in His loving grace and producing good life even when bad life presses hard, this is the inheritance that God's children will receive from our Fatherly hand at the end of the battle, (Ezekiel 36-37,) plus treasures that cannot be valued that is how much you will rob from the wicked when Christ comes, and slays them all and sets you free in His Kingdom. (Ezekiel 38-39)

So to make a very long spiel short - the truth of God's Word sets us free from the lies ruling/dominating our hearts and minds - and brings us kingship with Jesus at the end of the road in our struggle against the wicked trying to rob us of our eternal good life.

I wrote the following poem when the light went on and I began to see the cause of my inner darkness and misery right within myself. (It is a shape poem - a massive nuclear explosion right within my own space.

Hey Evil Ones!

See.., hear.., feel..?
Do, do, do is what you always yell,
have, have, have is what you always want,
take, take, take is what you always do,
permanently silencing those arising in opposition,
in darkness your evil deeds committing.
Yet what is it all for?
Your realities - the nucleus of wickedness - ruling life?
Who paid for the construction of your daily selves?
Knowing that you are not realising time as you should?
To be the ones after the making of your own waylaid egos?
(Yet perhaps, in retrospect, perishing the morning after,
each time some more - (Oh such a wonderful sight!))

Yet for now - rule.., rule.., rule..,
arrogance decreeing the moments,
inviting evil into being!
Fear.., guilt.., shame!
Much good is forced into hiding!
Innocence is perpetually raped!
Honesty has been imprisoned!
Malefic murderers stalk the night!
Cruel addictions dominate life's needs and desires,
threatening torture and grand scale genocide,
constantly striving for yet more mastery over life,
a great job at being free you are making of it.
Please tell - any excuse to validate your lives of dominant ascendancy?
Will deceiving, hurting, robbing and killing life keep going unpunished?

Run.., hide.., mask..,so many lies!
Captivating souls in reigns that scourge,
spoofing perceptions into untrue opinions,
stealthy hypocrisy masques true intent,
turning peaceful good into evil lusts,
Pulling strings creating conforming puppets,
becharming, abducting, and imprisoning,
cowardly hiding behind the bushes along the route,
waiting for the innocent to come walking past.
Hey yellow - changed your colour as of late?
Any of your unveilings been upfront and honest?
Which fictitious identity are you using now?
Still hiding in the same shrouded place?
Hidden headquarters far below the surface?
Billing the cost of your power trip to whom?
How are you planning to abscond all that at The End?
Why will you not respond to any of these questions?
Or do your answers hate the Truth of Life's Light?

Curse.., swear.., yell..,
yes always huffing and puffing,
denying that serving Jesus is Loving Truth.
Tightening values even enforcing moral belts,
yet feasting on the lusts ensuing human flesh.
Flaming rebellion and holier-than-thou attitudes,
destructiveness trying good to accomplish bad,
securing guiltless hearts out of God's existence.
No love for truth is the rule behind wicked lies,
self exultation snaring human egocentricity,
suffocating, strangling, throttling,
till honest to God is out of breath, prayer faltering into a deadening hold, deception giving rise to lovelessness,
judgement towering over everything.


Twist, swerve, duck, jump,
and then into the attack,
with a cutting tongue to nuke.
getting it out in just one moment,those lying voices of contempt and defilement, cultivating dishonesty and lovelessness, threatening disgrace using guilty feelings, dimming internal lights - dulling comprehension, conquering and captivating even the young, twisting straight paths into covering-up tracks, how long before these devilish tongues will still?

You steal the goodness life has on offer!
For hey, that is what you must carry,
fading stars - falling meteorites of existence,
your woeful truths - evil self retaining - eternally!

For when The Truth comes,
His Light burning your lies,
how will you rule me then?
What power have you got?
Believing you, robs strength,
I myself believing your lies,
stealing my good life away.
You're the worst scum there is,
evil brood, vipers eggs hatching!
What else but to heed Jesus Christ,
our Heavenly Father's Loving Truth?
Jesus true God made Flesh and Blood!
He conquered all you evil ones!
I'll heed His truth instead of you,
how then can you hurt me any longer?


So hear me well
all you evildoers!
I tell you once, I tell you twice..,
I will never forgive wickedness
for being being evil!

OUT OF MY LIFE,
THE LOT OF YOU!!!!

I'll never again listen,
eat your crap,
or listen to beguiling lies!
God's love and peace
my truth instead!
Ruling with Jesus!

Hotter! Yes fry! Burn.., burn.., burn! What temperature
must the fire reach ere you loosen your deadly grip on humanity?

You controlling spirits,
ruling human beings,
defecating good
truth turning ugly.

Life's light within
is what you steal and murder
transforming our truth
into a most volatile fuel!

Can you escape
the flames you yourselves have lit?
The fact is - you always harmed life with your evil lies,
having no mercy on the sick, old, poor and weak ever.
Can you relent from all this
when you run out of time?
Those wicked thoroughfares
out of your back doors?
One big slide into the
gaping mouth called hell!
Your pained and hellish
anguish shall then be,
your thoughts
cashing your words
and your deeds!

As for me?
I shall finally break free,
and come and go as I like,
no more fear inside of me to strike.
Free from cruel imprisonments inwardly,
truly be as I was always destined to be.
A clear conscious - speaks of paradise,
shining like a star at night - I shall arise.
Genuinely the Lord's servant I shall be,
exulting The Way Jesus is also teaches me.
Lambs beside beasts of prey graze the field,
snake bites no longer poison yield.
I shall pick up my bed and walk,
no evil to my heart and mind to talk.
Receiving a kingship from eternity,
ruling my being in peace and prosperity.
This is what I pray will happen to my soul;
that God - The Father of Life - BE - All in All!

Come Lord Jesus, please come and collect The Chosen!​

Thank you for sharing the poem. I am doing my best to resist the suicidal thoughts. I will be honest, I figure Gods will is his will, and I will.follow it where it leads me, if it means a premature end, so be it, it is God's will. If I was meant to be alive, God will provide. I am human and I can only hold on for so long. I pray out loud to Jesus and if his answer is silence, then so be it, I will.follow Gods will. But that time won't be tomorrow, or next few months, I will hold on for that long.

 

[Bruyas]

Hi Bruyas,

Sometimes when I'm driving or doing yardwork I like to listen to online playlists I've created made up of classic 60s rock and folk, as I am a classic rock musician. But during the times I feel vulnerable and on edge I sense a nudging in my spirit to put aside worldly influences because I need nourishment. Unpleasant thoughts of hurtful words and actions by others come to mind causing tendencies toward depression, revenge, self pity, a myriad of other things to bring me down.

I then choose to listen to the Book of Psalms, Proverbs, or any book of Scripture via a venue such as Youtube. Some of these are KJV, but there are other contemporary free versions like NIV.

Psalms is particularly good to listen to when I am depressed. Don't do it for a distraction, or "white noise", but really listen, as if God's personal love letter is being read just for your ears. Own it; it's for YOU!

Of course, reading is always good, too. But I choose to read and study Scripture at the end of my day.

Sons of Korah is a group I love to listen to. We all have our favorites. These singers/musicians often put the Psalms to music in a pleasing easy listening way. Psalm 95 is my favorite. Psalm 69 is about depression, as are many others. Again, the key is to really listen and believe what is said.

Talk to God, as He is your Creator. There isn't anything He doesn't already know; He can't be bluffed or fooled. Express your anger or frustration with Him about things: your life, how you feel, whatever. He can take it.

Think about what you DO have in the way of blessings. Count them...even the little things. They mount up fast.

Express your love for our Creator; He has made nature a beautiful work of art. Plants and animals.... intricate and detailed. The human body...awesome! Everything is in it's place......except humans....a truly rebellious lot.

Make a sincere attempt to do something. Volunteer. Smile at people; exchange pleasantries in a sincere manner. Somebody is always hurting worse than we are. I have often been led to pray with people, sometime virtual strangers, descreetly, because it's often emotional and personal. I ran into this a lot in my 28 years as a truck driver pulling tankers & also working for UPS. Met all kinds of folks all over the 48 states. We are all the same. Then sometimes, oh man, I would be driving my truck so sad and sometimes in tears.....about.....I have no idea. Both needed and being in need at different times. Depression.

Sitting/lying around is very detrimental when depressed, but it's a natural inclination. Try not to give in.

Get plenty of rest. Don't try to solve everybody's problems and don't be a dumping ground for their own unhappiness with life.

Be kind, but guard your heart. Don't let your kindness be taken for weakness. Evil is everywhere.

Even in your frustration/anger you realize how much you love Him and want to KNOW your Lifegiver, not just ABOUT Him. We see through the glass darkly, as Scripture says. We can't fathom God; we know so little yet try to form religion and doctrine around our meager understanding. Religion has little value to me.

Sorry for the ramble. I've been thinking a lot about your posts. Take my meager offerings as the musings of an older man who has lived through a lot...and I'm still here relatively intact. Take what you can use; discard the rest. A bit later I will PM some Scripture to help you with times of depression if you are set up to receive PMs. Blessings.