Old Age and Childfree

[Galadriel]

Those of you who are childfree, do you ever get worried and fearful over what your fate will be when you are old (70s and up)? This does cross my mind sometimes.

I read about those childfree who have plans in the works (saving up, deciding on a nursing home, etc.), but really, I don't even know how to begin to plan for old age possibly alone. I don't know how functioning I am going to be, or what my situation will be or how our country is going to be. I am not sure that one really *can* plan for that sort of thing as no one knows the future.

As of now, we (DH and I) are at such a low income level there is no way we can save any substantial amount for retirement. It is a scary predicament, but heck even WITH kids, many still end up in nursing homes.

 

[Galadriel]

To reply to my own post (lol) I did think of one thing that would help. When I get old before I would need to go to a nursing home or living assisted place, if I happen to be alone, I could go through all my stuff and give things out to those I wanted to have certain items. I could really shave down my belongings to just necessities, because if I had to go in a nursing home someone would have to clean up my home after me anyways, and the idea of some strange person going through real personal stuff bothers me!


Us childfree could also band together and form our own little community or co-op and live together and support each other. That is a great idea! I wonder if such places exist already (and no I'm not talking nursing home or expensive club)? We could pool our resources together and have a little community.

 

[Rebekka]

Us childfree could also band together and form our own little community or co-op and live together and support each other. That is a great idea! I wonder if such places exist already (and no I'm not talking nursing home or expensive club)? We could pool our resources together and have a little community.

I like that idea.

We have a lot of books (with a lot I mean that we need a 4-bedroom house even though we don't have kids nor a guestroom - all the walls are covered with books, including the entire living room), I know I won't fit into a nursing home without having to let go of 99% of my books. That's not something I want to do before I'm either completely blind or completely demented - as long as I can read and think, I need books surrounding me. And in most nursing homes you're not allowed to bring your pets - I'd die without my cats, so a nursing home wouldn't do me any good.

And to answer your question: yes, I'm terrified. The only reason I'd want kids is to have someone who takes care of me when I'm old. Since that's no guarantee if you do have kids, and I have other stronger reasons against having kids, I'm not going to have any (at least not planned - but I am against abortion).

I said most of what I want to say about this in the other thread, An Interesting Realization.
http://www.christianforums.com/t7450792/

 

[Rebekka]

So here's my post from the other thread.

Hello everyone, I've been registered on this board for a couple of years but usually have my "Ultra Lurk 2000" Cloaking Device on. I make the rounds of about six different forums (including this one) on a regular basis but rarely actually say much. I suppose I'm just the strong silent type. I decided to post my minor epiphany here as this is the most civilized board I have seen. Thank you for that!
Years ago, I decided that children were not my thing. I'm actually uncomfortable around them and I can't honestly articulate why. I simply accepted it an moved on. I got married, found a doctor who would perform a vasectomy on me and have enjoyed the dividends of my decision for the last four years.
About six years ago, my wife and I moved in with my father in order to help him take care of my stepmother who was very poor health and eventually succumbed to her ailments. Since then, we have stayed on board here helping my dad take care of the house, bills and other assorted things life has seen fit to throw at him. I have watched him grow older over the years and his ever changing physical condition still catches me off guard sometimes. He was a giant to me when I was a kid.
Anyway, I was wandering in our back yard at three this morning while unable to sleep when it occurred to me that I am one of the people that is going to take care of someone when they get old. I am a living incarnation of the Bingo. It was an interesting realization. While I love my father and will never leave his side unless he specifically requests it, I have to admit that I feel like I'm simply adding validity to the question that we as Childfree people have heard in so many different incarnations. Maybe I'm just not thinking straight after two hours of sleep. Thanks for reading my babbling.

This is an old post, but I think I wasn't around much when it was posted because I never saw it.

I feel exactly the same way. I don't live with my parents but did live with them and took care of them in my early and mid twenties, and a few years ago I moved to be closer to them - they're 6 minutes away by bike or 16 on foot. They're both disabled and in poor health so I help them out a lot. My career has suffered because I've given my parents' health and wellbeing priority over my career.

Setting money aside is a solution, but not everyone who is childfree has a lot of money (see the career remark above), and while kids are expensive, parents get a lot of benefits (especially where I live). With inflation, and the cost of hired help ever increasing, I know I can never, ever save up enough to hire the paid equivalent of what I am to my parents.

I think people like me, and snooch, and Mudflappus, are living proof that the prejudice that childfree people are selfish is not based on truth. We take care of people but no one will take care of us. There's nothing selfish about that. At least parents will get something in return for all their sacrifices.

You never know whether your kids will take care of you when you're old, that's true, but I know that no one will take care of me, so that's irrelevant. I could be someone who made friends easily, but I'm not; I'm not childfree for nothing - I'm not a people person. (as in: "kids are people too.")

To be honest, the bingo "who will take care of you when you're old" is the only one I can't reason away. It's always in the back of my head (I worry a lot and I'm afraid of the future). I can't deny that it's very likely that I will die alone and helpless - I married an older man, too. So if having someone to take care of you when you're old were enough reason to have kids, I would. But I don't think that's good enough. That would be a selfish reason. You should want kids because you love them and want to make them happy, and think you'd be a good parent.

Oh, lately I've come to think of another good reason to have kids - I mean, and this may be painful for parents to read (sorry - but I don't mind parents posting here

), really for me the only understandable reason to have kids is the taking-care-of-you-when-you're-old one. I can't imagine how it feels to want kids out of love for kids, or out of desire to be a parent, or whatnot. But recently I discovered another reason that I can understand. Progression and growth vs. decline and death.

I can understand that people want to make young people so that they have something to look forward to in life, despite them (parents) getting older and sicker and approaching death. The kids will, the first 20-25 years at least, only go forward. Growth is a positive and hopeful movement. It helps against depression and despair. Instead of looking at your parents' decline (and my parents' set in very early) you can look at your children's potential, and have hope. It's utterly depressing to look at my parents' lives right now. Things will only go downhill from now on, there's nothing to look forward to. That's why people want grandchildren, too. By having kids you can keep hope in your life for another 25 years, but having grandchildren adds another 20-25 to that. So they die happy instead of miserable.

Still, this reason, the protection against depression, is the same that keeps me from procreating. I know that I inherited my parents' genes, and I don't want to burden my kids with them, as well. This may seem harsh on a christian board, but I wish my parents had remained childless - in fact, I even wish my grandparents had remained childless. I have good reasons for this, but for brevity (I'm longwinded enough already) and privacy I'll keep them to myself.

Anyway, there's no solution to this problem, except that it probably helps me not to cling to life too much. (Not that it is easy to gather heavenly treasure if you're a misanthrope...)

 

[snoochface]

My sisters and I had to put my mom in an Alzheimer's facility after my dad died. We couldn't have taken care of her ourselves. I don't know that having kids around to make that decision for her was really that much of a benefit, you know?

I do think about it, especially since my husband is 13 years older than me and likely to die first. All I can do is try to plan as much as possible for having some retirement money set aside for elder care when I need it -- and hope that I, or someone close to me, recognizes the time that I'll need it before things advance too far.

We're going through the same thing with my husband's father right now as well. I'm trying to remember not to worry about "what you will eat or what you will wear" because God has it all covered. (Easier said than done.)

 

[Rebekka]

I'm trying to remember not to worry about "what you will eat or what you will wear" because God has it all covered. (Easier said than done.)

Yes, worrying doesn't add one day to our lives (and likely shortens life). Easier said than done, indeed!

 

[Galadriel]

That is true, one way or another God knows what will happen and has it taken care of, still though I do think about it and worry sometimes.

Rebekka, you sound similar to me (though I don't have near the books you do lol!), I don't feel either that just having kids for "potential old person insurance policy" is a good idea. It wouldn't be at all fair to either me or child (me going through the 18+ years of raising, and he/she having to put up with me being a miserable parent!

It does help to know though its not just me that worries about this sometimes!

 

[JessR2]

I TOTALLY worry about what will happen to me when I get old. My family is small - I have no brothers or sisters, and most women in my family have outlived their husbands for at least 10 years or more... some of my great grandparents even lived to nearly 100!
I HATE thinking about getting old and alone, and possibly getting some disease and having NO ONE to take care of me.
But I don't want to have kids just for that. Plus as someone else said, there are no guarantees that your children WILL take care of you when you get to that point. I have a cousin that is 30 years old and he STILL can't take care of himself, much less his 60 year old mother with cancer.
So I'm just trusting God that HE will take care of me... and I know HE has some kind of plan...
It's also comforting to know that other people worry about this. I also think it's a great idea to create some kind of community of childfree widows or widowers to sort of look after each other.
Gosh, guess I better start saving some money, huh?

 

[Galadriel]

JessR2, I hear ya, I too just hope God has an a-ok plan for me. Who knows right? Hopefully things will work out okay, usually they have a way of doing so.

 

[127.0.0.1]

I think the most painful part is when your spouse is in worse condition than you are and you find yourself unable to help them. That would be hard, because you'd feel helpless.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

If we do end up childless I sometimes get fearful of my future, or rather the unknown. However, the rational side of my brain kicks in and I think what reason is there to fear the unknown? Thank you college philosophy prof for making us read Plato's Apology.

 

[127.0.0.1]

Actually, my grandparents lived across the state from us, so we couldn't always be there to help them. However, they've been lucky to have dedicated nearby friends who have always been there to help them. And they've visited my grandmother in the nursing home many times. My Dad goes too, but not as often because it's hard for him to spend all Friday night driving and then Sunday night coming back so he can get up at 4am for work.

 

[LoisGriffin]

I don't worry about old age. Plenty of parents are alone because their kids are too busy or live too far away. Kids are no guarantee.

 

[katautumn]

I don't worry about old age. Plenty of parents are alone because their kids are too busy or live too far away. Kids are no guarantee.

QFT. My late mother-in-law had seven children between three marriages. When she got into the more advanced stages of Alzheimer's it was like the siblings got together and grumbled, "eh, I guess I'll take her next, grumble, grumble". My husband and I took care of her for almost two years. Then she lived with her older, legally blind brother until she fell and broke her hip. She lived with my sister-in-law for about a year and then, one day, she called my husband and said she'd put their mother in a nursing home. Two months later she died. Then, out of seven children, only three helped pay for her funeral - my husband, his rich brother and his sister whose husband cashed out what he could of his 401k. I suppose if she'd only had the other four she wouldn't have had a proper burial.

I have one child, and will likely only have the one child. Being a boy I know, realistically, that one day he'll likely get married and his obligations will rest with his wife and her family. Sometimes it scares me. You think, well, that was my one shot at some sort of security for the future. What if he ends up hating me and leaving me all alone in my old age? Of course, it's silly to think that way. For starters, I didn't have him so I'd have someone to keep my company in my old age. I'd rather die under a rock than burden my son. Second, I have a much younger brother who, God willing, will out live me and perhaps have children of his own I can be close to so I'll have some family around when I'm old.

I'm not so much worried about being taken care of as I am losing out on having that sense of comfort and security of being around loved ones.

 

[Clea]

I just joined and started reading the various sub groups to see what I might want to join, that is why I am answering this post which has been here for awhile.

It is interesting that in all the static I got from inlaws and friends with children when I was younger, the first questions they directed at me were 1. Aren't you being selfish? and then 2. What happens when you get old and there is no one to take care of you?

Part of this is the reason the individual chooses not to have children. I came from a highly abusive childhood, had no maternal desires whatsoever, and decided that if I cared for children at all, I should never subject myself to them as their mother, so I saw this as being unselfish. All these couples that have, even in the back of their minds, the reason for having children as potential caregivers, is totally selfish.

A lot of the elderly have these problems that do have children - their kids have no intention, no means, sometimes no desire to care for their parents, so they are no better off, if anything, worse, because they devoted financial resources towards the education and medical care of raising their offspring when they could have put that money into long term care, IRA's, etc.

I have no regrets about not having children. The issues that bother me now are: what is the point in taking photographs, or at least in putting them in albums? When I die they will be tossed in the trash. The same goes for cherished items like Christmas decorations - if you have children, they are passed down, if you don't, these items you loved go to Good will.

 

[Rebekka]

1. Aren't you being selfish? and then 2. What happens when you get old and there is no one to take care of you?

Yes, I noted the irony of that, too.

I haven't inherited (nor will inherit - I mean, my parents are still alive) any Christmas decorations from my parents or grandparents or whatever; I suspect that's an American tradition but for me it's a non-issue. As for photographs - well, with digital photography I think fewer people put their photos into albums anyway. But not having children doesn't have to mean that your memories will die with you. You can give them to friends, nieces, nephews, and depending on how interesting you are, a museum.

Goodwill's a good destination for stuff, you will make other people happy with it.

But yes, I think the childfree can be less stuff-oriented, less materialistic than the childed. It depends on your life view. Materialism is very common among the childfree, as well.



And welcome!

 

[Clea]

It does sound like a great idea to have a big community of the childfree supporting each other, in theory. In reality, for the same reasons that we do not have children, many of us are not extremely extroverted and social, and like our space. At one time, I had thought I would be like "The Golden Girls" and would just live with whatever of my friends were alone at that time. Now I realize that would never work - we may like each other but living together - no.

I had even thought at one time, when I was younger my husband and I had money (we don't now) and I had two couples who were not doing well, so I thought naively, well if they get into financial trouble, we have a 3 bedroom house, they can all come live with us. Again, the reality is that my husband would totally hate both of their husbands (one doesn't read and likes sports, the opposite of my husband) and the other talks all the time, while my spouse is quiet.

 

[Audiomechanic]

Again, the reality is that my husband would totally hate both of their husbands (one doesn't read and likes sports, the opposite of my husband) and the other talks all the time, while my spouse is quiet.

LOL

Your H and I would get along just fine. I hate sports and, while I don't read all the time, I do enjoy it. I can be a chatty kathy sometimes, but I enjoy peace as well.

 

[Cynthia85]

Who says your children will take care of you?