OK I admit

[RSteel]

OK, I admit...I am not spiritually developed. Oh yea sure I may be academically developed...blah blah...can write papers, do calculus, speak another language...blah blah, all that...SO WHAT? lol Yet...I still feel empty. The only food that really satisfies me is my Bible. That's all! I read it and literally in like 10 mins I feel better. I feel so stupid...I have a feeling I'm going to look back on this in a few months and just gawk...

Anyways, I've been doing some reading...and I have a question. How can ANYONE enter the Kingdom of God if He/She isn't perfect? Can someone be 'perfect'? How can someone be perfect? I look back on my life and I realize that I've struggled w/ sin ALL my life...everyday. The only thing I've come close to is just being closer to w/o sin. I don't think I could ever call myself 'perfect.' Even if I wanted to...

Anyways, I can't wait to just get all sin out of my life!!! FOREVER!!!

LET LOVE RULE!! FOREVER!!

The light shines through the darkness...

How did I get this...DULL?? How did I ever become so...OBTUSE?

I really really just disgust myself...really...I can't wait for this to be over with! To just repent of just...EVERYTHING! But, mostly, to just repent of myself...to just get ME out of ME. I am so over myself...I've been over myself...I'm tired of myself! I'm tired of me!

Anyways, this post wasn't meant to scare anyone or to be...outlandish...or anything...it's just an expression of how I feel right now...and right now, I don't feel all that great. I just feel...BLAH! That's all for now.

 

[wingcross]

we are in the same ship. I dun want to focus on my problems. It helps.

I end up here in the prayer request section praying for others. Here I can see so many of them are in needs. Sometimes I cry a little. So sad when they told their story when their loves one died.

I hope I will grow mature in spirits and walk beside God in this forum.

 

[suzybeezy]

You are focusing on what your not - perfect, rather than what you are - a wonderful example of someone striving to become closer to God. You can't be perfect because than you would be Jesus. But you efforts are a true delight to Him. You said you were not spiritually developed, yet as I read your post, I was amazed at what passion and love for God you had. That takes alot of spiritually development to achieve. I would try to spend more time focusing on the positive in your life so that light can shine through more to others to truly be a ministry and blessing unto God.

 

[RSteel]

Thank you for your kind words suzzybeezy. I'm growing spiritually more and more each day. I wish the Lord would help me with jealously though. I know I have nothing to be jealous of, but sometimes, I just wish I was like other people that I know. This is such a long process... So tired of it. Please pray that my jealousy will lift from my heart and I'll see a higher light in all of this. Is it wrong to take comfort in the fact that we are all in this together? That seems wrong...since I don't want anyone to be unhappy. But none of us can be 'perfect' as you pointed out... We can only be what we are...

So, I'll persevere... I'm not worried anymore...not about the future...nothing. THe worry has somehow left me for the most part. Somehow, I'm still strong...want to be stronger...want to feel better...don't want to be alone. But, I know I'm not alone...not really...in a way, I am...but in another way, I've again rediscovered The Greatest Love of All (I love Whitney's song...lol). That carries me through. There's so much on my mind...more I would like to write...but, for now, that's all I have. Thanks for everyone's words.

Bye4now...

 

[suzybeezy]

It's so interesting that after I read your post, I was at church today and thought of you. One of the things that was said was this: We all think we carry alot of garbage around, past regrets, bad decisions, not living up to our potential etc...., but out of that garbage the Lord can make a gourmet meal. I had a little chuckle to myself because it's true. We all have our own garbage we contend with, even those people we are jealous of. We see them as better than we are but don't know what God is dealing with them on the inside. I think that strength comes in time as each lesson is learned and we look back and say "I can't believe how much I've grown". Each time we grow we become stronger. When I look back even five years ago, I can't believe the difference there is in me. I sometimes don't think I'm making progress at all, but it sometimes happens slowly. I'm just so grateful that our God is a faithful God and He won't give up on me or you. I will keep you in my prayers, becaue I've been where you are. You are stronger and wiser than you think. Embracing that will allow you to become a witness to others of the difference God can make in ones life.

 

[BlackRain]

don't feel stupid, you have no reason to. just like suzybeezy said, you are stronger and wiser than you think. at least you're talking about it, right? at least you're confronting the Lord. you're going to get better.

Question:
are you waiting for the right time to repent?

if so, you can do that now. you can start over right this minute. you don't have to put up with it anymore. read Ps. 51, that's what i do when i feel overwhelmed with myself and disgusted. hang in there!! i hope your day gets a TON better!! you're in my prayers.

 

[Endearing lil Influenza]

I know tha we are made righteaous and perfect through Jesus' blood... however... that does not help the shame I have in myself... and I am sooo scared... If I'm not the smartest student I am scared people will think bad of me... and then I am also scared... of saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things to hurt people around me... whenever I hurt my friends, tremendous guilt torments me... I want to be totally faultless... but I can't... and now my anxiety/depression opress me so much I am now disabled, legally disabled... and I'd say spiritually disabled too... I am unable to grow at all... to grow means attempting things... but I am sooooooo scared of making mistakes... imperfection torments me

 

[KittiK]

We are all imperfect and just because we are depressed does not make us any less perfect than anyone else. We make mistakes....everyone does....we just seem to take our imperfection and mistakes more personally than others. Your friends are your friends because they like you. If you hurt tham, then say I'm sorry. Acknowledge the mistake and move on. Berating yourself does not change history. Apologies can ease the burden.

Don't get me wrong, I am very scared of making a mistake, making a fool of myself, and embasrrassing my family and friends by being 'myself'. But through all this I have realized one thing, God understands better than anyone what our faults are. He knows that we are who and what we are. He can see that we are trying our best to make it in this world and if there's anyone in this world we can trust to be our friend....it's Him! It's because of Him that we strive to be perfect and through faith we become perfect.

Consider the 'perfect child'. I have four, so I say this from my own beliefs, not something I've heard. My children are perfect....why? Because when they make a mistake, they apologize, when they want something they ask politely (most of the time), when they are wrong, they acknowledge it and try their best to correct it. They don't always succeed, but they try. the condition of their heart, shows love. That makes them perfect in my eyes.

I have doing some prescribed reading...and I know now that most of the guilt we feel...is self imposed. It's fabricated to justify how we feel. People don't take things they way we think they do, sometimes things happen and guess what...it's not our fault! I used to think that taking the fall for things that were not my fault would ease the burden that I am on everyone else...that it would somehow justify my shortcomings. Making it even, sort-a speak. Bad habit. Don't do that. It's so hard to stop once you get started.

I apologize for everything and I think that had I have kept my big mouth shut, none of this would have happened. Wrong. We all have hings to offer the world and sometimes we make things better....just ...like...everyone...else.

 

[Endearing lil Influenza]

Consider the 'perfect child'. I have four, so I say this from my own beliefs, not something I've heard. My children are perfect....why? Because when they make a mistake, they apologize, when they want something they ask politely (most of the time), when they are wrong, they acknowledge it and try their best to correct it. They don't always succeed, but they try. the condition of their heart, shows love. That makes them perfect in my eyes.

That is so touching!

you are so right... as long as we are trying... as long as love is our intention... thanks for sharing

 

[RSteel]

Yes...I am trying as hard as I know how. I'm entering into a whole new phase today...it's a little scary. And thank you Kittik your insight was amazing. God really is pushing me today... He has his own ways of pushing me. Mostly through mental images today. They often pierce right into me and often cause...outbursts of emotion. I'm handling myself in the utmost care and loving way that I know how...giving myself room to grow...allowing myself the grace He needs. I will be so happy when these feelings, thoughts, and emotions turn into something better. Their increasing with intensity everyday. I'll be glad when I get used to this again...so tired of it. Mercy...this hurts! This really is just driving to the heart of me. I know it's for the best though.

I have a verse for anyone and everyone who may be experiencing hardship today or just having a bad day...maybe you want a little mercy from your troubles...here's a promise: "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."

Is desiring mercy the same thing as being merciful? I would guess not, but that's what I'm very much desiring today.

In a mood to write...

'...You were taking me down a path that I didn't want to walk...you knew the way all along...I should have follow...I resisted with everything with me....I didn't want to do anymore...after 17 long years of service...you wanted more, you wanted more...you had so much, I gave it all...yet you were not willing to settle...how I wish I could return to those days...but the path you were taking me down, was more than I had ever felt in my life. If I would have trusting, you would have seen me through, I'm sure. I know you would have led me to repentance and to better things...I thought I had love...yes I...I did, but, you knew that was more. The images you turn up from my past pierce my soul...yet your tourniquet fits, and doesn't let it overflow. If you were to allow me to see everything I used to be, I believe I would die. I could not imagine the pain it would cause...that is beyond any comprehension I've eever attained. So I'll let the images float across my mind, I'll let the Spirit take control. And I'll remember, there is no such thing as jealously...just an awesome God, who wants the best...for you and me.'

 

[KittiK]

RSteel, are you seeing a professional to help you through this?

 

[RSteel]

No I'm not. I've been to a professoinal before just for talk therapy. I've also been on anti-depressant medication in the past. As of right now though, I'm not doing either of those. First off, I don't have much faith in professionals (psychologists, psychotherapists, etc.). As far as anti-depressants go, I'm not too sure about them. I've tried them before, but I've had problems in the past with taking more than my allocated prescription, so I try and stay away from them now. I don't have anything againist them, I just don't feel they are for me right now. If necessary, I may try them sometime later in my life if it absolutely becomes necessary.

Right now I'm just sticking to a routine of taking it one day at a time and reading my Bible if I become really upset.

My reputation says I'm "really nice." I THINK I"M TOO NICE!!!!

 

[Serving4Christ]

How can ANYONE enter the Kingdom of God if He/She isn't perfect? Can someone be 'perfect'? How can someone be perfect?

Grace

 

[suzybeezy]

My reputation says I'm "really nice." I THINK I"M TOO NICE!!!!

You sound pretty nice to me.

 

[RSteel]

Thank you suzybeezy. I really did appreciate that.

 

[Bevlina]

OK, I admit...I am not spiritually developed. Oh yea sure I may be academically developed...blah blah...can write papers, do calculus, speak another language...blah blah, all that...SO WHAT? lol Yet...I still feel empty. The only food that really satisfies me is my Bible. That's all! I read it and literally in like 10 mins I feel better. I feel so stupid...I have a feeling I'm going to look back on this in a few months and just gawk...

Anyways, I've been doing some reading...and I have a question. How can ANYONE enter the Kingdom of God if He/She isn't perfect? Can someone be 'perfect'? How can someone be perfect? I look back on my life and I realize that I've struggled w/ sin ALL my life...everyday. The only thing I've come close to is just being closer to w/o sin. I don't think I could ever call myself 'perfect.' Even if I wanted to...

Anyways, I can't wait to just get all sin out of my life!!! FOREVER!!!

LET LOVE RULE!! FOREVER!!

The light shines through the darkness...

How did I get this...DULL?? How did I ever become so...OBTUSE?

I really really just disgust myself...really...I can't wait for this to be over with! To just repent of just...EVERYTHING! But, mostly, to just repent of myself...to just get ME out of ME. I am so over myself...I've been over myself...I'm tired of myself! I'm tired of me!

Anyways, this post wasn't meant to scare anyone or to be...outlandish...or anything...it's just an expression of how I feel right now...and right now, I don't feel all that great. I just feel...BLAH! That's all for now.

But ... God knows we are not perfect. Nobody on the planet is perfect. We can only strive to do our very best and hope that at the end, we have done our best.
The most gracious thing we can strive for is spirituality NF, to be spiritual and close to God in a spiritual sense.
Please, don't think we have to be perfect for that is impossible. We are human beings with human frailities and flaws. But, with our faults, God loves us just the same.