Oh Gosh Please Help!

[MG]

Where do I begin??.........

Last night was emergency meeting night. My two girls and I. Here is my delimma

8 Year Old
thinks she is fat. Serious as a heart attack. A million things are racing through my mind. I am angry above all because of the world that we live in. But my baby, my darling little girl, fell to pieces. She cried out to me that ALLLLLL of her friends call her fat. She is a little girl!!! And she isn't even remotely fat!!!

Mom do you know what the national average for an 8 year old is? 65 lbs! 65 lbs....*tears tears tears* I weigh 75 lbs!

I scooped her up into my arms and loved her. Told her that we could work this out together and that God made her perfect. What can I do to ease my little girl's heart?


11 Year Old
thinks she is above any law! She is so defiant! I have no idea where this is stemming from, but I am at the end of my rope. She is failing math, crazy about a boy enough to ask for a kiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A KISS!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has told a few lies.... I feel like I am in the twilight zone....or living someone else's life or something. Don't get me wrong, she has always been my little drama queen She has a very vivid imagination, loves to write stories, is extremely independent ( I think her first sentence was "No let me do it".)
But never total disregard to the rules, jeopordizing her integrity, losing focus on her priorities........ what can I do? As a parent, what do you do after you have talked talked talked and no results?? I have taken away everything phone, computer, outside play....arghhhhhhhhhh i am so frustrated with her! I have never experienced this before!

 

[Neenie1]

Sorry, I really have no advice but you sound like you need a hug. My eldest is 3, so I have plenty of experience with babies and toddlers but not older children.

 

[erin74]

I feel a bit like Neenie - my oldest is 3, and both boys at that!

Have you read strong willed child. Perhaps your doctor could talk to your 8 year old. A friend of mine had this with her eldest of 3 girls. She focused on healthy eating, which was a good habit for her daughter anyway, and helped her daughter feel heard. Perhaps focus on good food and exercise... not excessive. But obviously you don't want her to feel as if you think she is fat.... man I'm bad at this - maybe that's why God gave me boys.

I think I best just pray for you and hope that someone comes along with far greater wisdom than I.

Erin

 

[murron]

This may be difficult considering she's only 8, but what I would do is try to explain exactly what 'average' in this case is. For instance, if you have two kids, one who weighs 60 and one who weighs 70, the 'average' would be 65, even though neither of the children actually weighs that.
Second, I'd find out where she learned this information about 65 being the average weight for an 8 year old. Was this in health class at school? From a classmate who may be misinformed (or not completely informed)? The vast majority of children are not actually 'average' but somewhere above or below - and that is considered normal (except for the extreme ends - and being 10 pounds above the 'average' is absolutely considered normal). Don't forget that height also comes into play with weight, is she taller than average?

As for the 11 year old with defiance...I have a 13 year old with the same kind of problems (but to a much deeper level than what you've described). I finally had to seek outside help and I'm seeing some positive changes in him lately. That's really all I can say about that.

God bless

 

[OracleX]

I have a friend at work that is going through something similar to this but has basically both of your childrens trouble mushed in to her one daughter. The only thing left for her to really do is to seek outside help. That may be the case with your oldest one. Maybe a third party would be a good way for her to vent what is getting at her. Your youngest might benifit from a trip to the doctors and hear it first hand that she is a normal healthy girl that is not fat. If this is happening at school where her 'friends' are teasing her, then a call to the school may not hurt either.

 

[bliz]

I can't help but notice that both girls are interested in things beyond their years - an 8 year old concerned about being fat and an 11 year old asking for a kiss. These are simply not the natural and normal concerns of girls at those ages. Where is this coming from?

What do they watch on TV? Who are their friends? If they have friends who have older sisters, this could be the source. What kinds of comments do you make about women on TV and weight etc. ? Often as mothers we don't realize the messages we send our daughters until we stop and think about it.

Around the US there are some great Christian summer camps for girls called Camp Cherith. The focus is on girls and away from boys, which is nice, and the girls will see camp leadership that is all female. Lots and lots of great role models. And the emphisis is on activities and mastering skills - swimming, camping, canoeing, archery, horsemanship etc. The atmosphere is so different from the world and school. No TV, videos etc. It's a lot of fun and a lot of Christian emphisis. But it will give your daughters a very different, and I think, far more accurate picture of what it means to be a Christian girl.

 

[MG]

I can't help but notice that both girls are interested in things beyond their years - an 8 year old concerned about being fat and an 11 year old asking for a kiss. These are simply not the natural and normal concerns of girls at those ages. Where is this coming from?

That is the part that is breaking my heart. It isnt just my children, it seems to be everyone in this area! After talking to a few people today on this same thing, a few confirmed that they have experienced the same thing!

What do they watch on TV? Who are their friends? If they have friends who have older sisters, this could be the source. What kinds of comments do you make about women on TV and weight etc. ? Often as mothers we don't realize the messages we send our daughters until we stop and think about it.

After posting this thread, I just began mulling over in my mind where I went wrong. And it did not take long for me to figure it out bliz. Both are restricted to certain tv shows. They watch Disney a lot...mostly "tween" shows such as Lizzie McGuire, Even Stevens, etc. And the reality of it is, that 99% of Disney shows geared towards females, are only promoting vanity and popularity!! I did not realize it until I actually focused on the "message" they were sending.

As far as my comments, I am very candid with vanity. I can't say that I have never made any comment about the way a person looks etc, but it is not my nature. I am not one to say mean or negative remarks about anyone. Hubby and I try to foster love and growth to our girls.

Around the US there are some great Christian summer camps for girls called Camp Cherith. The focus is on girls and away from boys, which is nice, and the girls will see camp leadership that is all female. Lots and lots of great role models. And the emphisis is on activities and mastering skills - swimming, camping, canoeing, archery, horsemanship etc. The atmosphere is so different from the world and school. No TV, videos etc. It's a lot of fun and a lot of Christian emphisis. But it will give your daughters a very different, and I think, far more accurate picture of what it means to be a Christian girl.

Thank you sooooooooo much! I am going to check this out.

bliz, the biggest thing, I suppose, is that we moved to this area 2 years ago. My girls were very active in church before the move. We were doing something with the church or with our church family at least 5 days a week (oldest was on Praise team, Friday night bible study, movie night at church, saturday service, sunday school, monday night girls night because it was mens bible study, tuesday vocal practice, wed church) We always had a blast..........then it all came to a complete stop with the move. What we had with our church family sustained us for about 1 year. This past year all has just began to crumble. My oldest is simply following the way of every other worldly girl. Her fire is gone. I know I am a bad mom for this. I just do not know how to repair it. In 2 months we are moving to Orlando where I am SURE to find a new church family for us. But do you think it will be too late for my girls? I really need suggestions. And bliz,,,, thank you. beyond words...

 

[OracleX]

Your area is not so different than many (maybe most) places. Where we live it is brutal some of the things we hear and see kids doing. We live in a good neighbourhood but still I am amazed to see kids around or less than the age of 10 running up and down the street swearing their heads off. It just blows my mind away as to how kids so young can be so messed up so fast.

Being this is what our socity is like now my wife and myself have committed to putting our daughter in a private Christian school. It is not cheap but we know that what is being taught reinforces what we teach. In Canada there are some really wacked out things happening in schools and some things taught that makes my skin crawl. Rather than trying to counter a lot of what she would hear and see from school we will send her to a school that reinforces her. Not only will she get a excellent education but she will be taught what is right and wrong from a Biblical perspective not socities perspective.

I am not sure if this is a option for you but I know of a few people who had their children turn around by changing schools.

 

[MG]

Good point, and I am looking in to that. My choice is stay at home and do public school or work and do private school. As it is, I work full time AND they attend public school.