- Feb 10, 2014
- 4
- 0
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Constitution
Hello,
I'd like to share my story and hear from you. I've read so much material on this subject online, etc. I know there are different takes on this within the church. I suppose the best answers to this question would be one that seeks to remain faithful to the Word of God while maintaining their personal experience. Neither 100 percent theology nor 100 percent personal experience.
So far the material I've found from John Bunyan begins to answer some of the questions I have. Before I go on let me tell you my story.
From a young age I knew there was a God and that He was good. When I was less than 8 years old my sister and I had read some biblical literature that I found at a restaurant. It had interested me because of the big illustration on the cover. It spoke of hell and grace and the road to forgiveness at the cross of Christ. This pricked my heart. I didn't like the concept of hell. But I took to heart the grace and mercy of God in Christ Jesus.
When I was twelve years old my sister had a friend who would always share about the judgements and punishments of God and things from Revelation (I don't even think she knew what she was talking about) but nevertheless it pricked my heart. I attended a baptist church with her and my sister that Sunday. I was sure that I already knew God and Jesus Christ and certainly could sense of His calling and grace. But that day I made a commitment to receive Jesus as my personal Savior and something truly amazing happened. I also took communion that day when offered. The Pastor quoted scripture about communion which pricked my heart, but I took communion anyway because I wanted to please Jesus because of what He was doing in my heart. The Pastor mentioned about taking communion unworthily and falling away.
At this time in my walk with God, I relied heavily on feelings and experiences and I can tell you that day I left church feeling really alive, but with all sorts of internal questions. For years I would rely on feelings and not reading or paying mind to the scriptures at all. I literally never read the bible. I was sure that I was a Christian. But not having read the Bible I had nothing to strengthen my faith and what I already knew about Jesus. I didn't understand that we could have full assurance that we are going to heaven. Never the less I knew God loved me and I was sure I was going to go there.
As the years rolled by with little to no church attendance or bible reading, I became an a older teen and more rebellious to my father who raised us. My parents were divorced since I was five. In my final two years of high-school and after I was an irresponsible, alcoholic, drug user, violent person who neglected his faith almost all the time. I read books like the purpose driven life and would think about giving up alcohol and drugs, but never did. I continued the path I was going on. I hung out with unsaved people who never could attest to any personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I could hear the calls of God to repentance, several times in those days. Calls to stop and follow Him and follow after righteousness but I only considered it, never did I stop what I was doing.
Eventually I broke a vow I made to God at the age of 9 or 10 that I would never steal again. I made this vow after my father caught me with stolen goods and disciplined me. I remember at the time I made the vow, I just wanted to please God because of what I knew and believed about Him.
Well when I hung around these friends of mine after high school, they were thieves and I too eventually broke my vow and began stealing with them. I remember before stealing having a convicted heart and battling with God about it. I kept trying to justify the sin over the conviction I was feeling. I would say things like "my friends are stealing and I'm accepting the things they stole as gifts, so I am no better, I might as well steal" and at once point in my justification I literally told God that if He would have allowed me to do this in my youth I would have gotten it out of my system. ( I really believe I blasphemed the Holy Spirit at this point) for rejecting the conviction I was being pricked by.
Unfortunately my life was never the same. Not more than a year later I was in jail and my life was turning upside down. I noticed changes in me, like a fear of judgement, changes in my eyes, no longer able to look at myself without disgust or shame, etc. Continual guilt. In Jail I read the scriptures for the first time and then came the book of Hebrews, etc. I was sore afraid when I read portions of the bible that I nearly lost my mind. I sought the comfort of anyone I could find. But found nobody understood. But when I turned to Christians I found answers, I was grateful for that. I cried out to God in jail but I still relied on feelings. I can say there was a few times when I stopped doubting God's love and grace for me at that present time and I did experience great peace and joy even in a jail cell. That gave me hope and confidence. But it was short lived before doubt returned. I am now 28 years old and have had no substantial break through that has lasted.
I'm now married to a wonderful woman and we recently had our first child, a boy. But I personally am going through all kinds of pain believing that I've gone too far from God and that I'm merely living for useless vanity.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. God bless.
I'd like to share my story and hear from you. I've read so much material on this subject online, etc. I know there are different takes on this within the church. I suppose the best answers to this question would be one that seeks to remain faithful to the Word of God while maintaining their personal experience. Neither 100 percent theology nor 100 percent personal experience.
So far the material I've found from John Bunyan begins to answer some of the questions I have. Before I go on let me tell you my story.
From a young age I knew there was a God and that He was good. When I was less than 8 years old my sister and I had read some biblical literature that I found at a restaurant. It had interested me because of the big illustration on the cover. It spoke of hell and grace and the road to forgiveness at the cross of Christ. This pricked my heart. I didn't like the concept of hell. But I took to heart the grace and mercy of God in Christ Jesus.
When I was twelve years old my sister had a friend who would always share about the judgements and punishments of God and things from Revelation (I don't even think she knew what she was talking about) but nevertheless it pricked my heart. I attended a baptist church with her and my sister that Sunday. I was sure that I already knew God and Jesus Christ and certainly could sense of His calling and grace. But that day I made a commitment to receive Jesus as my personal Savior and something truly amazing happened. I also took communion that day when offered. The Pastor quoted scripture about communion which pricked my heart, but I took communion anyway because I wanted to please Jesus because of what He was doing in my heart. The Pastor mentioned about taking communion unworthily and falling away.
At this time in my walk with God, I relied heavily on feelings and experiences and I can tell you that day I left church feeling really alive, but with all sorts of internal questions. For years I would rely on feelings and not reading or paying mind to the scriptures at all. I literally never read the bible. I was sure that I was a Christian. But not having read the Bible I had nothing to strengthen my faith and what I already knew about Jesus. I didn't understand that we could have full assurance that we are going to heaven. Never the less I knew God loved me and I was sure I was going to go there.
As the years rolled by with little to no church attendance or bible reading, I became an a older teen and more rebellious to my father who raised us. My parents were divorced since I was five. In my final two years of high-school and after I was an irresponsible, alcoholic, drug user, violent person who neglected his faith almost all the time. I read books like the purpose driven life and would think about giving up alcohol and drugs, but never did. I continued the path I was going on. I hung out with unsaved people who never could attest to any personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I could hear the calls of God to repentance, several times in those days. Calls to stop and follow Him and follow after righteousness but I only considered it, never did I stop what I was doing.
Eventually I broke a vow I made to God at the age of 9 or 10 that I would never steal again. I made this vow after my father caught me with stolen goods and disciplined me. I remember at the time I made the vow, I just wanted to please God because of what I knew and believed about Him.
Well when I hung around these friends of mine after high school, they were thieves and I too eventually broke my vow and began stealing with them. I remember before stealing having a convicted heart and battling with God about it. I kept trying to justify the sin over the conviction I was feeling. I would say things like "my friends are stealing and I'm accepting the things they stole as gifts, so I am no better, I might as well steal" and at once point in my justification I literally told God that if He would have allowed me to do this in my youth I would have gotten it out of my system. ( I really believe I blasphemed the Holy Spirit at this point) for rejecting the conviction I was being pricked by.
Unfortunately my life was never the same. Not more than a year later I was in jail and my life was turning upside down. I noticed changes in me, like a fear of judgement, changes in my eyes, no longer able to look at myself without disgust or shame, etc. Continual guilt. In Jail I read the scriptures for the first time and then came the book of Hebrews, etc. I was sore afraid when I read portions of the bible that I nearly lost my mind. I sought the comfort of anyone I could find. But found nobody understood. But when I turned to Christians I found answers, I was grateful for that. I cried out to God in jail but I still relied on feelings. I can say there was a few times when I stopped doubting God's love and grace for me at that present time and I did experience great peace and joy even in a jail cell. That gave me hope and confidence. But it was short lived before doubt returned. I am now 28 years old and have had no substantial break through that has lasted.
I'm now married to a wonderful woman and we recently had our first child, a boy. But I personally am going through all kinds of pain believing that I've gone too far from God and that I'm merely living for useless vanity.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. God bless.
