This is more of a vent. Anyone who has dealt with this, I'd appreciate advice but don't feel pressured. My ocd right now is revolved on doubting the Bible and Jesus. How do I know? What if? Those are my main two thoughts. Its just so irritating. I want to believe but it feels like I'm stuck in unbelief and uncertainty
Hi, I can understand where you're coming from, having OCD myself for a couple decades. The type of OCD I have is Scrupulosity and I have obsessional thoughts primarily revolving around my eternal security. Although I haven't had the exact thoughts you've been describing, I can understand how they make you feel. Over the years I've come to recognize the feeling OCD brings. It's a very distinct anxiety that is unlike other "normal" anxiety or worries I have in everyday life.
For the past seven years at least, God has really been pointing me to the verse "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) and showing me the immense depth of wisdom packed in it, especially when it comes to OCD. When I'm doing the mental gymnastics of compulsions (with my compulsions being mainly internal) I'm totally frantic, spinning the triggering thought over and over in my mind in a desperate act to "make sure" I didn't mean the thoughts I had with the hope that once I'm "certain" then the anxiety will be alleviated. It's beyond tiring to say the least, and an ongoing battle that seems to only get worse the more I fight it. And yet, through it all, God keeps pointing me back to that verse – "Be still and know that I am God."
Something I've noticed in myself, in those in this forum, in others I know who struggle with all assortments of hardships, is that we all share a common denominator that runs through the heart of our struggles – emotions. We're all feeling something, and that something is intense negative emotions. What is the real sting from OCD? Is it the thoughts? No, it's the emotions. Without the emotions that come with the intrusive thoughts then the thoughts would be nothing more than a fleeting mist in the wind. But when those emotions pierce us, it's painful, blindingly painful. Yet God still beckons me to the same verse – "Be still and know that I am God."
Emotions are a sensation. They can be positive or negative, intense or subtle, motivating or distracting, but ultimately they aren't a physical presence that hogties us into submission beyond our control. When it comes to OCD the emotions can be terrible, just awful, and yet even in the deepest pit of terror that we may feel, the emotions are still what they are – a sensation. We're feeling them, but they aren't us. They're happening to us, but they aren't who we are. They don't control us, they have no authority over us, they don't have power in and of themselves to overtake us. The only power they wield only comes from how much we give to them. The reason I get neck deep in compulsions and am so mentally frantic is because of the emotions egging me on, and the more I give in to the compulsions to dull the emotions the more I feed them, and the more I feed the emotions the stronger they get, and the stronger they get the more influence they have to get me to do more compulsions and continue the toxic cycle.
However, when I choose to "be still" then that same toxic cycle breaks, and the game changes completely. That's when the emotion's bluff is called and they're exposed. Again, emotions can't do anything on their own accord – they can't harm me, they can't harm you, they can't harm others, they can't make the outcomes that I am terrified of happening actually happen. Are they deafening? Yes. Intense? Absolutely. Distracting? All the time. Real? Very. True? ...No. In control? No. All knowing? No. All powerful? No. God? Not even close. Emotions are emotions, which are sensations – something we feel. And the more I'm still and not taking the bait on engaging in a fight with my emotions that I won't ever win, the more I pull the emotions out of the driver's seat.
The art of being "still" – and something the devil completely doesn't want us to do – is to be okay
in our emotions. It doesn't mean we have to like them, embrace them, tolerate them, give them a side hug or anything, but to simply "be still" in the midst of them. It's not suppressing them or pretending they don't exist, but rather to not get all riled up and act on them as they run a muck all around us. The opposite of being still is fighting, so to "be still" is to lay down our flimsy weapons we've fashioned ourselves to fight OCD with (and ultimately to fight our emotions) and to just surrender – to be still. Now, the verse doesn't say, "Be still and it's going to be a piece of cake and totally peaceful and not hard at all and know that I am God," because to actually apply this verse in our lives, especially when it comes to OCD, is challenging – crazy hard actually. But. Not. Impossible. And the only reason why it's not impossible is because of the One the latter half of the verse is referring to – God. When we choose to "be still", to be okay with the emotions by not fighting back with compulsions, then we experience a deliverance that only the Deliverer can bring, and as we experience one deliverance after another we will "know" God like the verse says.
"My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net" (Psalm 25:15). There's a lot in this verse. First, the psalmist (or we could insert ourselves in this scenario), is caught in a net – a hardship, a difficulty, an emotional struggle from the barrage of intrusive thoughts. And yet, we take our eyes off the net, and in doing so we're surrendering, because if it was our prerogative to get out of the net ourselves then we would need to focus on it. But we don't, we shift our gaze to Jesus – the very One, the only One, who will pluck us from the net that entangles us. But notice it doesn't say, "My eyes are ever toward the Lord, and immediately he plucks me out of that horrible net and I'm totally chill and calm and without a care in the world." As we're fixing our eyes on Jesus we're still in the net, still in the struggle, but being still in the emotions while we wait for God to deliver us from them.
Know this, the focal point isn't waging war against OCD in general, with the goal of reaching a point where you don't have intrusive thoughts anymore and thus be at peace. If the devil doesn't beat us down with the OCD itself then he can use our motivation to escape OCD by enticing us to fight it on our own, in our own understanding, in our own strength. And we will never win that fight on our own. Ever. But if we stop trying to get out of the net we hate so much by our own means and instead lift our eyes to Jesus and wait on Him to calm the storm inside us, then, and only then, will we experience the peace we so desire.
Practically this can look like so many different things (one of which is therapy, which I highly recommend), but ultimately it comes down to the moment by moment determination to choose to sit at the table Jesus has prepared in the presence of our enemies – which, in this case, is our emotions – and wait for Him to deliver us.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest," Jesus has said. And He meant it. The battle belongs to Him, not you. He calls you not to fight, for "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14). And when you do, you will know Him more and the love and peace only He can give.
