OCD Strikes Back!

[minamino21]

Hi guys, (warning, long post incoming!)

I came here a while ago, for some issues with my OCD. It was related to HEAVILY repeated prayers because I kept forgetting what I or felt like I didn't see it properly, or felt like I was not doing the cross sign properly. Related to this, I felt like this might also be related to ADHD since I had this messy thoughts in my head that distracted me. Apart from this, I suffered from moral scrupulosity, trying to help each people as I could (helping beggars/people in need, felt the need to check that I don't step on snails after rain, thinking about how I talk so I wouldn't tell a truth) and had a serious contamination OCD due to COVID-19.

As a background: I'm a Orthodox Christian, I'm in my late 20s and I was a functional human being until 2 years ago. I think it all started due to the stress/tiredness of my family issues combined with my job (had an IT back then with On-Call duty, basically outside of the normal program, people would call me if there were issues with a one week on/one off. I left the job at the start of 2019, but the pandemic started which made things worse). I've been looking into mindfulness and meditation for a while and I've realised that I had OCD before, about other issues (afraid of losing people) and it wasn't as bad as it was now.

What is interesting is that I've been a heavily invested Christian in my childhood and then took the path of atheism for around 7 years I think and then I came back to Christianity in 2017.

It all started again with little prayers on my way to work, which wasn't big of a deal. Then they started to get more and more. I started to add things more and more to them. After that I made this weird rule in which I had to repeat each prayer 7 times to work (???). Then problems with my grandma started to happen and I've decided to go to Church after work during the important celebrations (important saints for example) or before/after she had a medical appointment to ask for help/to thank for it.

It all got worse with COVID-19, contamination OCD happened then and the snails and moral scrupulosity happened. If I saw a beggar outside? I'd buy him something to eat (if I didn't see it smoking or something). After rain I'd check the margins of the road for snails so people wouldn't step on them. I'd rub my hands so hard they'd turn red because I didn't want my close ones to get stick. I got sick at the start of the year (COVID19 maybe?) and it just didn't go away for 2 months.

I came back home in March to live with my mom after 7 years during the pandemic, because my girlfriend and my family was here. I was working in another city due to the lack of jobs from mine. Since then, they accepted fully remote work so at least I'm not paying rent anymore.

My mom is a very religious person, so when she saw me that I wasn't right, she suggested me I should read some special prayers (I don't know the term in English, they are some bigger prayers dedicated to Saints/Mary/God ~30 mins should be the estimate time of reading). But sometimes it took me even 3 hours to finish one. I started consuming holy water in the morning and use myrrh. I've started "attending" the Sunday service, watching a live stream on every Sunday or important celebration (red cross in Orthodox Calendar). I wasn't good. It felt horrible. I started reading online about my problems and trying to find reassurance. East European Orthodox priests are rather conservative, but 2 of them told me not to stress myself that much. But it wasn't that easy.

In the end I managed to reduce my prayer volume, and stick to attending the "live" streams on Sunday and important celebrations, and reading the "special prayers" related to the certain saint in that celebration. I decided that not all beggars need help as I've busted some of them to spend the money they had on alcohol and cigarettes. Me and my close ones got my COVID-19 shot and contamination OCD started to fade away. It was no more rain for a while, so no more snail issues.

Sadly the last months were a nightmare for me and OCD came back even stronger. My girlfriend's family started to have issues (one member died and another one has a serious illness). Things happened so fast (2 weeks time) that left us all speechless. Due to how things are right now, we are not talking about moving together for the moment, but I'm spending some time at her to try and help her, but it's also helping me not to be alone with my thoughts. I've going to church every 2 days, to light candles and pray for the soul of the dead member and pray that the sick one will get better. I started saying "special prayers" during the treatment period or when she wasn't feeling well one day or another. Started saying this prayers when my grandma wasn't getting well even after 2 years again when she was going to/coming from medical appointments. Started going to church (live stream) and physically to say my thanks as well as saying multiple special prayers per day. i think my throat started to get sore after the one from yesterday since it was longer than usual. Since now I'm living here, I have to be in accord with my mom who is fasting fully. I'm starting to have issues again with repeating prayers and concentration. I don't sleep really well because I stay up late to say my prayers. I'm washing my hands a lot of times before prayer, just because they might have touched my "private parts" (even though I'm fully clothed). I have to have a candle lit and I must pray on my knees (sometimes it takes so long like yesterday that they started to hurt). When I wake up/go to sleep I have to say "O, Heavenly King", "The Creed", "Our Father", I have to do the cross sign before I leave home or before I go to sleep. I have to do it when I pass near a Church. I have to pray if I see dead people at the mortuary or dead animals. I also pray before I eat.

Now it's even worse than before. I feel that if I'm fasting or I have to say a special prayer in some day (e.g. I've said one on Sunday, 2 on Monday, one today I think since the ill member of my girlfriend's family wasn't feeling well), I can't watch tv shows that are related/use the words devil/god that are not related to the bible, can't watch shows that offer fan service (most of the actual ones), or mysticism. Can't even read the Buddhist books I got for my birthday. Can't listen to audio that use swear words (most of today's music) or tackle subjects like sexuality. I feel bad even if I like a post related to these on Facebook during that period. I get out of my way to read them/attend the service. Spend time in the night if I don't have time during the day. Go late on my meetings with my girlfriend. Extend my "work" break just to make sure they're done.

I'm afraid that since this is 3rd world-ish country, the psychiatrist are not prepared to tackle this issue. My grandmother has seen a lot and she still has her issues. But that might also be related to her being a difficult person. As for the priests, I've seen and heard a lot of weird stuff about them. I don't negate that there are some capable ones, but I think I might have a hard time finding them. And hopping from one to another in might state might just make things worse.

Sorry for the long post. But getting this off of my chest under a pseudonim might be helping me a bit. For those of you who got this far, thank you. For those of you who didn't. Thank you for trying.

Is there any advice you'd be able to give me? I know I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm spending a lot of time on this. i don't have anyone to talk about this. My girlfriend and her family didn't have anything to do with the Church until recently. And my mom might be too invested into this to see if I have a problem or not.

I'm trying so hard to fight it...it's just...that I'm so tired.

 

[CuriousPagan]

OCD is terrible to live with. My thought process is similar to it. I know you're a Christian and this is a Christian site, but meditation may be beneficial. Not necessarily the Buddhist kind. It's more like the brain needs to refresh, like a computer that's frozen up. When you have these anxious thoughts, focus on clearing your mind. Take a walk in nature. Try to simply not think for a bit or solely observe your surroundings.

 

[minamino21]

OCD is terrible to live with. My thought process is similar to it. I know you're a Christian and this is a Christian site, but meditation may be beneficial. Not necessarily the Buddhist kind. It's more like the brain needs to refresh, like a computer that's frozen up. When you have these anxious thoughts, focus on clearing your mind. Take a walk in nature. Try to simply not think for a bit or solely observe your surroundings.

Thank you for your answer. I don't have anything against Buddhist religion. I find it rather interesting actually, that's why I'm reading on it. It's good to keep an open mind about anything.

 

[minamino21]

Quick update from me. I'm doing rather better. I think writing about how I feel (kind of like journaling?) helped me a bit.

 

[Mari17]

Hi guys, (warning, long post incoming!)

I came here a while ago, for some issues with my OCD. It was related to HEAVILY repeated prayers because I kept forgetting what I or felt like I didn't see it properly, or felt like I was not doing the cross sign properly. Related to this, I felt like this might also be related to ADHD since I had this messy thoughts in my head that distracted me. Apart from this, I suffered from moral scrupulosity, trying to help each people as I could (helping beggars/people in need, felt the need to check that I don't step on snails after rain, thinking about how I talk so I wouldn't tell a truth) and had a serious contamination OCD due to COVID-19.

As a background: I'm a Orthodox Christian, I'm in my late 20s and I was a functional human being until 2 years ago. I think it all started due to the stress/tiredness of my family issues combined with my job (had an IT back then with On-Call duty, basically outside of the normal program, people would call me if there were issues with a one week on/one off. I left the job at the start of 2019, but the pandemic started which made things worse). I've been looking into mindfulness and meditation for a while and I've realised that I had OCD before, about other issues (afraid of losing people) and it wasn't as bad as it was now.

What is interesting is that I've been a heavily invested Christian in my childhood and then took the path of atheism for around 7 years I think and then I came back to Christianity in 2017.

It all started again with little prayers on my way to work, which wasn't big of a deal. Then they started to get more and more. I started to add things more and more to them. After that I made this weird rule in which I had to repeat each prayer 7 times to work (???). Then problems with my grandma started to happen and I've decided to go to Church after work during the important celebrations (important saints for example) or before/after she had a medical appointment to ask for help/to thank for it.

It all got worse with COVID-19, contamination OCD happened then and the snails and moral scrupulosity happened. If I saw a beggar outside? I'd buy him something to eat (if I didn't see it smoking or something). After rain I'd check the margins of the road for snails so people wouldn't step on them. I'd rub my hands so hard they'd turn red because I didn't want my close ones to get stick. I got sick at the start of the year (COVID19 maybe?) and it just didn't go away for 2 months.

I came back home in March to live with my mom after 7 years during the pandemic, because my girlfriend and my family was here. I was working in another city due to the lack of jobs from mine. Since then, they accepted fully remote work so at least I'm not paying rent anymore.

My mom is a very religious person, so when she saw me that I wasn't right, she suggested me I should read some special prayers (I don't know the term in English, they are some bigger prayers dedicated to Saints/Mary/God ~30 mins should be the estimate time of reading). But sometimes it took me even 3 hours to finish one. I started consuming holy water in the morning and use myrrh. I've started "attending" the Sunday service, watching a live stream on every Sunday or important celebration (red cross in Orthodox Calendar). I wasn't good. It felt horrible. I started reading online about my problems and trying to find reassurance. East European Orthodox priests are rather conservative, but 2 of them told me not to stress myself that much. But it wasn't that easy.

In the end I managed to reduce my prayer volume, and stick to attending the "live" streams on Sunday and important celebrations, and reading the "special prayers" related to the certain saint in that celebration. I decided that not all beggars need help as I've busted some of them to spend the money they had on alcohol and cigarettes. Me and my close ones got my COVID-19 shot and contamination OCD started to fade away. It was no more rain for a while, so no more snail issues.

Sadly the last months were a nightmare for me and OCD came back even stronger. My girlfriend's family started to have issues (one member died and another one has a serious illness). Things happened so fast (2 weeks time) that left us all speechless. Due to how things are right now, we are not talking about moving together for the moment, but I'm spending some time at her to try and help her, but it's also helping me not to be alone with my thoughts. I've going to church every 2 days, to light candles and pray for the soul of the dead member and pray that the sick one will get better. I started saying "special prayers" during the treatment period or when she wasn't feeling well one day or another. Started saying this prayers when my grandma wasn't getting well even after 2 years again when she was going to/coming from medical appointments. Started going to church (live stream) and physically to say my thanks as well as saying multiple special prayers per day. i think my throat started to get sore after the one from yesterday since it was longer than usual. Since now I'm living here, I have to be in accord with my mom who is fasting fully. I'm starting to have issues again with repeating prayers and concentration. I don't sleep really well because I stay up late to say my prayers. I'm washing my hands a lot of times before prayer, just because they might have touched my "private parts" (even though I'm fully clothed). I have to have a candle lit and I must pray on my knees (sometimes it takes so long like yesterday that they started to hurt). When I wake up/go to sleep I have to say "O, Heavenly King", "The Creed", "Our Father", I have to do the cross sign before I leave home or before I go to sleep. I have to do it when I pass near a Church. I have to pray if I see dead people at the mortuary or dead animals. I also pray before I eat.

Now it's even worse than before. I feel that if I'm fasting or I have to say a special prayer in some day (e.g. I've said one on Sunday, 2 on Monday, one today I think since the ill member of my girlfriend's family wasn't feeling well), I can't watch tv shows that are related/use the words devil/god that are not related to the bible, can't watch shows that offer fan service (most of the actual ones), or mysticism. Can't even read the Buddhist books I got for my birthday. Can't listen to audio that use swear words (most of today's music) or tackle subjects like sexuality. I feel bad even if I like a post related to these on Facebook during that period. I get out of my way to read them/attend the service. Spend time in the night if I don't have time during the day. Go late on my meetings with my girlfriend. Extend my "work" break just to make sure they're done.

I'm afraid that since this is 3rd world-ish country, the psychiatrist are not prepared to tackle this issue. My grandmother has seen a lot and she still has her issues. But that might also be related to her being a difficult person. As for the priests, I've seen and heard a lot of weird stuff about them. I don't negate that there are some capable ones, but I think I might have a hard time finding them. And hopping from one to another in might state might just make things worse.

Sorry for the long post. But getting this off of my chest under a pseudonim might be helping me a bit. For those of you who got this far, thank you. For those of you who didn't. Thank you for trying.

Is there any advice you'd be able to give me? I know I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm spending a lot of time on this. i don't have anyone to talk about this. My girlfriend and her family didn't have anything to do with the Church until recently. And my mom might be too invested into this to see if I have a problem or not.

I'm trying so hard to fight it...it's just...that I'm so tired.

It sounds like perhaps you're dealing with a lot of scrupulosity.

OCD/scrupulosity is so hard to deal with, but I find that it provides the perfect opportunity to learn to trust God and rest in Him completely.

Do you have a real relationship with God? That is, have you trusted in Jesus Christ and His work on the cross for your salvation, so that you can rest in Him as the way to be at peace with God?

I've struggled with religious OCD and scrupulosity all my life, so I'd be happy to share some of what I've learned about it, if you'd like.

 

[minamino21]

It sounds like perhaps you're dealing with a lot of scrupulosity.

OCD/scrupulosity is so hard to deal with, but I find that it provides the perfect opportunity to learn to trust God and rest in Him completely.

Do you have a real relationship with God? That is, have you trusted in Jesus Christ and His work on the cross for your salvation, so that you can rest in Him as the way to be at peace with God?

I've struggled with religious OCD and scrupulosity all my life, so I'd be happy to share some of what I've learned about it, if you'd like.

I try to have a real relationship with Him. But this thoughts make me struggle. I know it's irration.

Happily, since I wrote the post I feel better and I keep moving forward. Not completely fixed, but it's better.

 

[Mari17]

I try to have a real relationship with Him. But this thoughts make me struggle. I know it's irration.

Happily, since I wrote the post I feel better and I keep moving forward. Not completely fixed, but it's better.

I guess I meant (in evangelical terms) have you been saved, or born again? I'm not sure what your church tradition is, but I'm referring to the conscious choice to repent of your sins, accept Jesus' forgiveness as the only way to make you right with God, and receive his Holy Spirit into your life.

I'm so glad to hear you've been doing better! Moving forward is a great way to step out of the "trap" of obsessive/scrupulous thinking!

 

[minamino21]

I guess I meant (in evangelical terms) have you been saved, or born again? I'm not sure what your church tradition is, but I'm referring to the conscious choice to repent of your sins, accept Jesus' forgiveness as the only way to make you right with God, and receive his Holy Spirit into your life.

I'm so glad to hear you've been doing better! Moving forward is a great way to step out of the "trap" of obsessive/scrupulous thinking!

Well since we’re both Christian I suppose we have similar traditions.

I’m now really sure what you mean by what you are asking, but I do believe that.

 

[Mari17]

Well since we’re both Christian I suppose we have similar traditions.

I’m now really sure what you mean by what you are asking, but I do believe that.

Well, a lot of my advice for scrupulosity is based on the premise that you have accepted salvation through Jesus Christ and have a personal relationship with Him. Not all Christians automatically believe that, so I didn't want to make that assumption. I'm sorry if it sounded like I was just asking you a bunch of questions. I'm not trying to be annoying. LOL

One of the resources that has really helped me understand how to treat scrupulosity, and to understand how working on my scrupulosity/OCD can help me improve my trust in God, is OCD & CHRISTIANITY – CHRISTIANITY. I can also share other resources that I've found helpful, if you're looking for more!