IfHEis4me, I wanted to let you know that I do understand so very well. Because of the name you log in under, I wanted to quote a couple of scriptures I looked up. They are in Psalm 118:6a-7a. They say, "The Lord is on my side; I will not fear." and, "The Lord is for me among those who help me." I'm unsure if you chose your user name do to feeling like maybe God is for others, but not you, or if it came from scripture that says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?", but God is definitely for you and every other person. Our feelings can tell us otherwise, but feelings lie A LOT! Especially to people with OCD! I encourage you to continue to read and post on this site. There are many others who have experienced, and still are experiencing, much of what you yourself are going through. God has promised to not abandon us, and He won't. He is good to His Word. Shannon, Hi! That's great that you are still talking by phone with the pastor who understands scrupulosity. It's actually showing God's hand in your life I believe. I thought no one understood what I was going through, not really. When my mother was going through it many years ago, hardly no one seemed to understand. Her dad told her to snap out of it. There was no internet to connect her to others who understood and could help. Still, God saw her through miraculously, but it's not as difficult now to connect to people who really feel or have felt what we are feeling or felt. That's something to be thankful for in itself. Yes, I do analyze so much. In fact, I feel lazy when I try not to analyze things. But, I've learned that when I analyze things, I tend to get myself into a big mess, so I just have to let it go. I used to hear messages in church a lot that terrified me. It would be something I had thought or said to God perhaps that very week, or even that day, and it would be like God was answering me in the pastor's message, or a tract that I found in a bathroom, or a sign painted on the side of the rode saying, "Trust Jesus", and I would feel God was confirming that I indeed was lost from Him. I've had to get to the point to where I don't start analyzing it and where I just take it to God and say, "Okay, this is how I feel, but I confess Jesus as the Bible says, and I'm just taking You at Your Word." That's all I can do. I believe He is teaching me more about His real character as a loving Father as opposed to the taskmaster image I had of Him. My sister has a beautiful picture of a large, open hand holding an open, tiny one. It has a lovely verse on it and represents an all powerful, yet gentle, father who is taking care of his child. He has us in his more than capable hands. I still do stress about things. In fact, I stressed early this morning over stuff while it was still dark outside. Used to though, I would've gotten up and prayed about it and stressed some more. This morning however, I just went back to sleep. I realize that is what I have to do because the other way, I was just not functioning well. I want to be open when God has put something on my heart to pray about, etc., but I can't run with it because I do end up running in circles in my head and getting nowhere. In another post, you mentioned about the non-Christian psychiatrist you are seeing. Maybe you should just tell them about what you are experiencing due to salvation fears and repetitive thoughts. Actually, I wrote things down as I would think them when I was going through the worst of it. It would've been too overwhelming for me to have said all of that to my psychologist. He was a Christian, but he realized that I was saying the same things over and over again, just in different ways. I know how scary it can be when you think the specialist could get the diagnosis wrong, be shocked by what you tell them, or think you are crazy because they think salvation is not real anyway, but you've got to be completely honest or it's likely he/she can't give you the right diagnosis because they are missing a lot of the information they are basing that diagnosis on. Sometimes also, it may take several tries before we find someone who can really help us. I saw a Christian psychologist, and he did tell me I had OCD, but he couldn't prescribe medication for it. He sent me to a non-Christians psychiatrist, not to counsel with me, but who could prescribe medicine for OCD. Well, I need to go for now. Have a blessed day!
Rebecca
God bless you and help you through this struggle.
