Shannon,
I still have lots of days when I just feel as if I'm pretending that my relationship with God is real. That I'm not genuine. But, I'm trying to learn to just let it go. Before, I would read the Bible, pray repeatedly for God to rescue me from what I felt was a hardened heart to Him, cry ALOT because I felt hopeless, etc. My very first post on this website was probably around several months ago. It was all about salvation and my fear that I wasn't really saved. A torturing fear, as your mentioned previously. A fear that would greet me every morning, be on my mind seemingly all of the time (and if I wasn't thinking about it, it was still in the background keeping me from enjoying life or telling me that I must really not care about having a relationship with God since I wasn't addressing those thoughts by reading the Bible or praying or getting serious about my getting right with God at that very moment), harass me during my waking hours and, often, make my sleep restless. My heart would feel as if it was going to beat out of my chest during church sermons talking about salvation. I honestly felt many times that I must be some truly evil, hard-hearted person who would just not submit to God. Although I still do struggle with being genuine, having TRULY repented ( I never have FELT as if I could mean it), having the faith needed, trusting Jesus, knowing that I know that I'm saved, etc., I'm believing that God led me to this website to show me I am not alone, that He's heard my cries and prayers, and to offer me hope when I've felt there was no hope for me. I also have seen a pastor friend I've known all of my life for counseling. He has counseled with my mother in the past (she actually had a nervous break-down because of thoughts she had), and knows my family very well. He is compassionate and understanding and has been a huge encourager to me. He doesn't judge or condemn, but listens and offers godly advice for me to live by. I try to read and pray every day. I tell God sometimes that His word says that "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved", and even though I don't FEEL it, I've done all I know to do. I often feel distanced from Him, but I try not to go by feelings so much anymore, because doing so just messed with my mind all the more. I try to go by what I know, what the Bible says, and not by what I feel. For a long time, I would come to this website just to see if anyone else was struggling with certain things as I was. When I start panicking about being saved, which I do not do as often, I just tell myself that I may have faith that is small, but it is placed in a big God (someone else on this sight said that and it has encouraged me greatly). Before, I would try to deal with every fearful thought, but it only led to greater frustration and hopelessness. Now, I just don't go down that road. I take a different path in my mind, so to say, than I used to take. Sometimes it's as if I've hardened my heart to God because I brush the thoughts away and don't tend to them, but it has actually been conditioning me to letting the thoughts go so that I can actually live my life. Before, I was just existing pretty much. I've had to tell myself a lot that God understands. He made me and I'm of value to Him. So many others on this website have encouraged me and offered me wise advice since they do understand so well. Feeling as if I was so different from "normal" people who could love Jesus only added to the paralyzing fear that consumed me. I tried to battle it alone, crying mostly out to God instead of verbally seeking help from anyone since they surely wouldn't understand and would think I was crazy, or so my mind told me. I often saw myself as a picture on a poster I remember. The kitten was hanging by its claws onto a branch and the wording above it said, "Hold on baby!" I felt as if I was trying to hold on and pull myself up, because if I fell it would all be over with. But I never seemed to get a better grip, just kept dangling and trying to claw my way to safety. When the Bible says that we are to encourage one another in the faith, I believe that this website is a tremendous example of that. It's taken a long time for me to take some of the advice I've received. But then, I practiced trying to deal with every thought for so long that it was as if I had to reprogram my mind to not attack every fear. Whenever you get discouraged, don't lose heart. No matter what our fears may say, our God says He will never leave us or forsake us, and He cannot lie.
Rebecca