OCD and Depression...How do I know...?

[Moon_Girl]

Hey guys.
Some people may have seen me on the Depression forums before.

For the longest time I thought depression was my main problem. But it turns out that OCD seems to be.
At least I think it is...

I'm under the age of 20 and life hasn't been it's best.
Last August is when it all started. Just one day, randomly, I started feeling anxiety 24/7. I didn't know why and it was almost unbearable. I cried a lot those days and found myself losing interest in everything that I had ever loved.
Before I knew it, I was very depressed. And as days went by, it had only gotten worse and worse.
One of my biggest problems was thoughts of suicide. That and other troubling thoughts.
When those thoughts came up and hit me, I would suddenly get an overwhelming anxiety attack.
The constant anxiety would cause a lot of nausea, crying and sleepless nights. I didn't feel as if my (Christian) councilor was much help. Sometimes she helped and sometimes she didn't.

Things continued on and before I knew it, I felt like I didn't understand anything anymore. It was like I didn't understand what "wanting" and "not wanting" was anymore, or how it felt.
I started questioning everything and during all this, I was out of school and didn't have a job. So I was home alone a lot, trapped with my thoughts.
It later turned into apathy. I didn't care about anything and I had forgotten what "real" emotion felt like.

When November came around, the suicidal thoughts were so bad that I finally went onto SSRI's. (Anti-depressants) And I had always been against Anti-depressants, but I'm cool with them now.

Slowly, month by month, the SSRI's started working and the anxiety faded and the frightening thoughts didn't appear so often.
I was able to get back into the things I loved too.
But it wasn't as great as I had hoped.
During that period, I started getting more intrusive thoughts. Thoughts I couldn't get out of my head. Thoughts of suicide wasn't the only thing now. The thoughts turned into violent obsessions. Thoughts of harming and killing others.
Not only that, but I was questioning everything again. About my faith and God and existence, ect. That and occasional blasphemous thoughts.
And also questions that didn't have answers. And I still have apathy throughout it all.
I just can't get myself to feel anything anymore. The only thing I seem to feel now-a-days is anxiety and anger.

I then started learning about OCD. The more I learned about it, the more everything made sense.
Before I had hit Major Depression in August, I had been diagnosed with dystimea (a mild form of depression) and mild OCD by my councilor.

Anyways, recently, about a week ago, things started getting bad again. Simple facts and thoughts would give me anxiety for no reason. It was almost as if my body was feeling anxious for the sake of feeling anxious. I had dealt with suicidal thoughts throughout the months too. But they weren't as bad. Now they're getting bad again.
Then I noticed that the violent obsessions and urges were coming back. It hit a new low today, hence why I'm posting.
I've read on a lot of other forums, websites and such that sexual and/or violent obsessions and urges are perfectly normal for someone who is suffering from OCD, but I can't help but wonder...
What if I'm just a psycho now? Apathy doesn't help, so I can't say I "feel" really worried or scared. I do once in a while...I get a sick feeling in my throat and anxiety goes through my body like a cold liquid.
I know deep down, rationally, I'm scared.

I just don't know anymore...I don't understand myself or anything...
I'm not sure if my anti-depressants are just losing their effect or something...
I got the dose upped today, but I haven't started taking it yet. Tomorrow I will be starting on that.

I just...don't understand...
I wish this had never happened to me. I feel like crying right now.

I used to be someone who absolutely hated death and crime and sin and violence and everything like that. I don't even watch action or horror films. Ever!
I used to believe that every life is precious and that no matter what they should all be saved. I used to love life with all my heart and I had goals and dreams and hope.
But I just can't bring up that feeling anymore. Did I randomly turn psycho because of the anxiety and depression?
How do I really know if it's OCD?

I'm too scared to tell my parents because I've freaked them out enough with my depression and OCD.

It just feels like everything I used to be was taken away last August...and I feel a little hopeless in ever turning back the way I was.

Thanks for listening...I'm looking forward to your responses.

God Bless.

 

[seajoy]

Hi,

I am really tired....so this will be a short answer, and I will read over your post again tomorrow to give you a longer (and hopefully better) answer.

But I will just say this. You are not psycho. And violent thoughts against others is a very common form of OCD. There is hope for you - and you can get better with the right therapy.

God bless - see you tomorrow.

 

[seajoy]

Me again. From what I can see, your anxiety proves that you aren't having apathy towards these thoughts. I see it as OCD and the anxiety is part of that. It's an anxiety disorder. Also, anyone who is diagnosed with OCD feels they somehow tricked the doctors into this diagnosis. So, in essence, you are classic OCD.

The reason things may not be working with your Christian counselor, is that traditional talk therapy (about your past and such) does NOT work for OCD. OCD requires medication and ERP therapy to recover. I went to a Christian counselor for years before being diagnosed with OCD - it didn't work one bit. Then I got the proper diagnosis and began ERP therapy, and quite quickly began to get better.

I suffered terribly with OCD for 8yrs, so since you have had your OCD for about a year - it should be a little easier to tackle.....although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now. I can tell you are suffering so much.

I used to have suicide thoughts too...that is just the depression talking. Get some help for that - you don't want those thoughts to run away with you.

Now.....if I can get better, you surely can. I spent many weeks off and on psych floors, unable to walk or eat because I was in such agony over my thoughts. OCD is a bunch of false crud that gets stuck in our brains, but doesn't mean anything about the real us at all.

Please talk about things with us some more. We are here for you, and nothing you say would be a shock. And get yourself some help.

Take care,
seajoy