OCD and depersonalization?

[Nickieb03]

Has anyone else' OCD got so bad you depersonalized yourself? I have...I noticed I don't feel like me..I feel blank and numb 99.9% of the day...My brain also feels empty if that makes any sense?

 

[zingiber]

I sometimes feel on the edge of it - more of a derealisation that is, though. As to numbness, I usually cannot feel love, beauty, happiness or sadness, and so I lack emotional motivation. Fear dominates. I am thus forced to live by my will rather than by emotions. Is this kind of similar to what is going on with you?

 

[singpeace]

Hey Nickie,

I found this neat OCD poem.

Just thought I'd share.


OCD Poetry.

UOCD: OCD Poetry.


MY DRAGON AND ME.


I was told it was a "disorder."
I said "I'm just different"; that's not what they thought-
So here is my story of no little importance,
And a view of the dragon I 'fought".


I saw It as a dragon to be wrestled
Or at the very least to be controlled;
I felt this dragon chase me and it scared me;
I spent a lot of time just running away.
They said I had a problem, and named it
Discussed it, explained it, said it could be handled.
They taught me to fight it, gave me tools to do so.
Now armed with swords to fight my labeled dragon
They told me "Kill it; find it and destroy it."
For years it scared me, too much to face it
Until a few years back, when I did.


I stopped my running, to let the dragon find me.
It did, one night, and I drew my sword.
But something stopped me from attacking; its stare.
I saw an image in its shining gaze that pierced me;
A thing that made me drop my sword and weep-
It was my reflection staring back at me,
My image mirrored in its glistening eyes.
And suddenly I saw everything clearly-
All this time I was fighting with myself,
Which was a battle I could never win.
I saw that it's frightful claws were only as sharp
As the terrible hate I felt for it all of these years,
And my Dragon only had as many teeth
As the number of times it was ignored or slighted.
That night I dropped my armor, and reached out with trust;
I leaned against my Dragon and could feel its strength.


So now I know it didn't want to hurt me-
It wasn't out to get me, but needed my love.
It was never trying to kill me, because it was me;
A crucial part that could heal maybe more than hurt.
I see, of course it's not always easy to handle,
And sometimes don my armor against the pain-
But I've resisted temptation to use my sword.
It's the Best of me, the Worst of me, combined;
I need it as much as it is needed by me.
I found the good times better, the hard times less hard
The day I found a myself in my Dragon.


Though to some I am unique in my thinking
There is little I truly have to hide-
We all have our dragons though some don't have labels;
And it's good to have a Dragon on your Side.

Pat.

 

[Nickieb03]

I sometimes feel on the edge of it - more of a derealisation that is, though. As to numbness, I usually cannot feel love, beauty, happiness or sadness, and so I lack emotional motivation. Fear dominates. I am thus forced to live by my will rather than by emotions. Is this kind of similar to what is going on with you?

thats exactly whats going on with me these past few months. I wake up every morning wanting to end it because I have no emotions..I can't seem to feel anything but an emptiness in my chest...I have no motivation either...I'm tired of it.

 

[dabro]

Ending it is not the answer. Please stay positive if you can. Please nothing good can come from suicide.

 

[HopingForJesus]

Hi Nickie. I hope you feel better. I have battled and been battling both numbness and fear. Please do not give up and if you need to don't forget to seek out help. God loves you. Hugs

 

[zingiber]

How long has this been continuing for, Nickie?

 

[Nickieb03]

How long has this been continuing for, Nickie?

the past 5 months...I've been to doctor after doctor after doctor and they all said I put a defense mechanism up against my OCD and my OCD is feeding off of it more and more (because I have no feelings) and since I have no feelings I question why I don't and it makes my OCD stronger and I haven't yet learned how to turn that defense mechanism off. Last year at this time I remember exactly what I was doing..I was happy, laughing...smiling and playing thumb war with my boyfriend...now im just empty =(

 

[Nickieb03]

Thanks guys for all the replies, I'm trying to manage with it my best..it's getting harder and harder though sometimes. I keep praying though..I know God will save me.