So I have a pretty bad one on my hands.... This is going to be long, but please read it.
To be honest, I had been doing better. I had a serious issue with the whole "vow" thing and after a long deal with depression I was able to get through it with help from you guys. I thank you for that.
I've noticed something about OCD, at least for me. OCD has "subjects".
Classic example, the unforgivable sin.
OCDer finds out about unforgivable sin > has uncontrollable thoughts about unforgivable sin > thinks they committed it > does research > finds solid Theology that the unforgivable sin is only unforgivable because the person does not ask for forgiveness for it > problem solved.
At least that's how it went for me. I feel that I've "mastered" certain OCD topics, like the unforgivable sin. When I say master I mean that I have it to the point where I do not feel anxiety over it any more.
Now, the hard part is when something comes up that you can't get rid of as easily with Theology. For example, the vow thing. God takes vows very seriously, so when doing research it only reinforces certain fears. That's when you have to realize that the vows themselves (for us OCDers) are strictly do to the OCD and nothing more.
Recently, I have had horrible OCD about being possessed. Now, if you look into the theology, it seems pretty clear that a Christian cannot be possessed because we are owned by God and indwelt by the Holy Spirit. Problem is, my OCD has long tried to tell me that I don't have faith, so that argument doesn't really ease my fears.
A little background.... I've always had OCD about going to another universe or not being real or whatever. I believe this is because of two things. First off, when I was young I would have terrible episodes of derealization. If you haven't heard of it, it's when you feel like you are watching everything through a television screen. It feels like you aren't real, it's quite scary. I had this quite often as a child and did not know that it was a relatively normal thing (although it's not normal to have it that often). Because I have had OCD since a long time ago (almost all my life) I thought the worst, as we all do. Instead of knowing that it was a normal medical condition, I thought I was going to other worlds or whatnot. One of my other fears was that I wasn't real, because of something I saw on TV. Mix all these together and you get a pretty nasty phobia that OCD LOVES and I have had it all my life since then.
Now I realize that's crazy, literally, going to another world, really? But hey, when I get an OCD attack about it because I felt a certain way or saw a certain number or something I start thinking crazy things. So here we go.
I'm not sure what set it off but Saturday night I was at a party with some friends. There was a girl who I love very much there, who I had a chance to date a long time ago and now again, but didn't feel like it would work out. I love her but it's just not right. I saw her flirting with another guy and it really bothered me. That night when I went home I was pretty upset and was listening to music.
For some reason I was feeling weird, and I guess I felt like I was getting possessed or something. I posted something on Facebook and afterwards I just felt off. So, I felt the way to un-possess myself, if that makes sense, was to delete the post. Except I didn't want to delete the post, so I said something to the effect that I would be possessed if I did delete the post. (Classic example of "vowing" to do or not do something in order to make the decision, instead in this case it wasn't a vow but a "something bad will happen" sort of thing).
I felt really weird after that, my heart was fluttering bad and I just had some really odd physical feelings. Now, I had been drinking earlier (I wasn't drunk, but had quite a few) and had also had quite a bit of mountain dew, which is highly caffeinated. I normally do really well with stimulants and caffeine, having taken high amounts of adderall and coffee at times in my life, sometimes both at the same time, but I suppose that could have caused that.
I went for several days deliberating whether or not to delete the post, I didn't know what to do, on one had I felt it would make sure I wasn't possessed, but on the other hand it could do the opposite because of the counter statement I had made to prevent me from deleting the post. I figured the middle ground would be to delete it, then repost it, even though it would make me look like an idiot.
That day I made the mistake of signing up for a credit card, after that, the OCD kicked in and said that I had to cancel that process before I delete the post, or it would not be affective. I figured OK, I'll just wait for my denial letter (haha) or credit card then cancel it, then delete the post. After that I would re-post it and get on with my life. In the mean time I won't worry about anything as that could take 2 weeks.
So last night I was listening to music again, it was late and I was having little OCD "races" with myself as I do all the time. Usually it has to do with something like having to close a tab in my browser before someone texts me or something. Or maybe hurry up and be in a certain room before the microwave goes off. I have seen other people post about it in the past. Well, towards the end of the night I was listening to music again, and for some reason I thought that I was going to be possessed if I didn't stop listening to music for the rest of the night. No problem, I turned it off and surfed the net. Later on I realized that my phone had not been on vibrate/silent, and that people had IMed me recently, and it's possible that my phone could have made a beep noise or something musical. This meant that I had to go the next day (Thursday) without listening to any music whatsoever.
I have been out of work for quite a while and ended up quitting school because the OCD was so bad. I feel like a bum. I slept until like 1 PM today and got up. Ok, so no music.... that was fine until I forgot and used the microwave which beeps really loud when I use it. When my mom got home she turned on the TV which always has music in the background, and my dad.... he's a drummer. There is no such thing as a day without music in this house. My dad's drums are actually amped so it shakes the whole house practically.
This has happened before, I thought for some reason that if I didn't stop listening to music one night that I was going to end up in another world and would never see anyone I loved again. I was doing fine until I accidentally clicked something that played music. So, for some reason that meant I had to have the next day free of music. If I failed at that, that meant two more days of no music, solid. If I failed on the third day, that meant three days without music, failure on the fourth day would mean four consecutive days without music, so on and so forth. Long story short I just stopped caring and got over it. I guess the only way to go back would be to isolate myself from all noise for like 5 months or something (haha) since that's when it happened. Whatever.
OHHHHHH WONDERFUL. My mother distracted me causing me to accidentally close the window. Luckily, I had put a decent amount of this in the clipboard so I at least got some of it back. And guess what? The fact that I deleted it by accident is now making me even more afraid that I'm possessed. I can't take this anymore.
Ok, anyways. I just kinda freaked out and my mother helped me quite a bit, so I can write this with a little more ease....
The thing is, that last one was easy to get over. Going to another world. Really? Seriously? That's hilarious. Once I got out of the fear it wasn't a big deal. I had had that fear many times, that was no exception, I eventually forgot about it and went on with my life. If I were to start worrying about it again I would remember that a fear like that is idiotic and not worry.
One time when I had an episode about that I actually raced out of my house looking for people because I thought I was dead. I finally got ahold of my mom and she was able to calm me down. Ridiculous but when these fears take hold, they go crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have schizophrenia.
The problem is, in Christianity possession is real. It's scary, but it is real from what I read. So lets say tomorrow I get confident and say hey, forget this. Then, next week it's been like 9 days and I freak out, now that means I think I need 9 days in solid isolation and that's a lot worse than just two.
Herein lies another problem. Ok, so to be honest, I've been having quite a bit of trouble with my faith lately. My problems of OCD are because of OCD, not faith, but it gets hard to deal with and sometimes I get really frustrated with Christianity. Now, every time I have some issue or doubt I fear that I think that because I'm possessed.
I guess I just need to hear some advice and stuff. I really don't know what to do, I don't want to feed the fear but I don't want to make it worse.
Help.
And THANKS!!
To be honest, I had been doing better. I had a serious issue with the whole "vow" thing and after a long deal with depression I was able to get through it with help from you guys. I thank you for that.
I've noticed something about OCD, at least for me. OCD has "subjects".
Classic example, the unforgivable sin.
OCDer finds out about unforgivable sin > has uncontrollable thoughts about unforgivable sin > thinks they committed it > does research > finds solid Theology that the unforgivable sin is only unforgivable because the person does not ask for forgiveness for it > problem solved.
At least that's how it went for me. I feel that I've "mastered" certain OCD topics, like the unforgivable sin. When I say master I mean that I have it to the point where I do not feel anxiety over it any more.
Now, the hard part is when something comes up that you can't get rid of as easily with Theology. For example, the vow thing. God takes vows very seriously, so when doing research it only reinforces certain fears. That's when you have to realize that the vows themselves (for us OCDers) are strictly do to the OCD and nothing more.
Recently, I have had horrible OCD about being possessed. Now, if you look into the theology, it seems pretty clear that a Christian cannot be possessed because we are owned by God and indwelt by the Holy Spirit. Problem is, my OCD has long tried to tell me that I don't have faith, so that argument doesn't really ease my fears.
A little background.... I've always had OCD about going to another universe or not being real or whatever. I believe this is because of two things. First off, when I was young I would have terrible episodes of derealization. If you haven't heard of it, it's when you feel like you are watching everything through a television screen. It feels like you aren't real, it's quite scary. I had this quite often as a child and did not know that it was a relatively normal thing (although it's not normal to have it that often). Because I have had OCD since a long time ago (almost all my life) I thought the worst, as we all do. Instead of knowing that it was a normal medical condition, I thought I was going to other worlds or whatnot. One of my other fears was that I wasn't real, because of something I saw on TV. Mix all these together and you get a pretty nasty phobia that OCD LOVES and I have had it all my life since then.
Now I realize that's crazy, literally, going to another world, really? But hey, when I get an OCD attack about it because I felt a certain way or saw a certain number or something I start thinking crazy things. So here we go.
I'm not sure what set it off but Saturday night I was at a party with some friends. There was a girl who I love very much there, who I had a chance to date a long time ago and now again, but didn't feel like it would work out. I love her but it's just not right. I saw her flirting with another guy and it really bothered me. That night when I went home I was pretty upset and was listening to music.
For some reason I was feeling weird, and I guess I felt like I was getting possessed or something. I posted something on Facebook and afterwards I just felt off. So, I felt the way to un-possess myself, if that makes sense, was to delete the post. Except I didn't want to delete the post, so I said something to the effect that I would be possessed if I did delete the post. (Classic example of "vowing" to do or not do something in order to make the decision, instead in this case it wasn't a vow but a "something bad will happen" sort of thing).
I felt really weird after that, my heart was fluttering bad and I just had some really odd physical feelings. Now, I had been drinking earlier (I wasn't drunk, but had quite a few) and had also had quite a bit of mountain dew, which is highly caffeinated. I normally do really well with stimulants and caffeine, having taken high amounts of adderall and coffee at times in my life, sometimes both at the same time, but I suppose that could have caused that.
I went for several days deliberating whether or not to delete the post, I didn't know what to do, on one had I felt it would make sure I wasn't possessed, but on the other hand it could do the opposite because of the counter statement I had made to prevent me from deleting the post. I figured the middle ground would be to delete it, then repost it, even though it would make me look like an idiot.
That day I made the mistake of signing up for a credit card, after that, the OCD kicked in and said that I had to cancel that process before I delete the post, or it would not be affective. I figured OK, I'll just wait for my denial letter (haha) or credit card then cancel it, then delete the post. After that I would re-post it and get on with my life. In the mean time I won't worry about anything as that could take 2 weeks.
So last night I was listening to music again, it was late and I was having little OCD "races" with myself as I do all the time. Usually it has to do with something like having to close a tab in my browser before someone texts me or something. Or maybe hurry up and be in a certain room before the microwave goes off. I have seen other people post about it in the past. Well, towards the end of the night I was listening to music again, and for some reason I thought that I was going to be possessed if I didn't stop listening to music for the rest of the night. No problem, I turned it off and surfed the net. Later on I realized that my phone had not been on vibrate/silent, and that people had IMed me recently, and it's possible that my phone could have made a beep noise or something musical. This meant that I had to go the next day (Thursday) without listening to any music whatsoever.
I have been out of work for quite a while and ended up quitting school because the OCD was so bad. I feel like a bum. I slept until like 1 PM today and got up. Ok, so no music.... that was fine until I forgot and used the microwave which beeps really loud when I use it. When my mom got home she turned on the TV which always has music in the background, and my dad.... he's a drummer. There is no such thing as a day without music in this house. My dad's drums are actually amped so it shakes the whole house practically.
This has happened before, I thought for some reason that if I didn't stop listening to music one night that I was going to end up in another world and would never see anyone I loved again. I was doing fine until I accidentally clicked something that played music. So, for some reason that meant I had to have the next day free of music. If I failed at that, that meant two more days of no music, solid. If I failed on the third day, that meant three days without music, failure on the fourth day would mean four consecutive days without music, so on and so forth. Long story short I just stopped caring and got over it. I guess the only way to go back would be to isolate myself from all noise for like 5 months or something (haha) since that's when it happened. Whatever.
OHHHHHH WONDERFUL. My mother distracted me causing me to accidentally close the window. Luckily, I had put a decent amount of this in the clipboard so I at least got some of it back. And guess what? The fact that I deleted it by accident is now making me even more afraid that I'm possessed. I can't take this anymore.
Ok, anyways. I just kinda freaked out and my mother helped me quite a bit, so I can write this with a little more ease....
The thing is, that last one was easy to get over. Going to another world. Really? Seriously? That's hilarious. Once I got out of the fear it wasn't a big deal. I had had that fear many times, that was no exception, I eventually forgot about it and went on with my life. If I were to start worrying about it again I would remember that a fear like that is idiotic and not worry.
One time when I had an episode about that I actually raced out of my house looking for people because I thought I was dead. I finally got ahold of my mom and she was able to calm me down. Ridiculous but when these fears take hold, they go crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have schizophrenia.
The problem is, in Christianity possession is real. It's scary, but it is real from what I read. So lets say tomorrow I get confident and say hey, forget this. Then, next week it's been like 9 days and I freak out, now that means I think I need 9 days in solid isolation and that's a lot worse than just two.
Herein lies another problem. Ok, so to be honest, I've been having quite a bit of trouble with my faith lately. My problems of OCD are because of OCD, not faith, but it gets hard to deal with and sometimes I get really frustrated with Christianity. Now, every time I have some issue or doubt I fear that I think that because I'm possessed.
I guess I just need to hear some advice and stuff. I really don't know what to do, I don't want to feed the fear but I don't want to make it worse.
Help.
And THANKS!!
. I will pray for you too
. I hope things get better for you.
