Obsessing about dating

[EtainSkirata]

So I met this guy recently. I'm usually pretty good at reading people and determining pretty fast if a guy is someone I'd want to date or not. And when I first met this guy, I had a couple small red flags. But he wanted to hang out so I decided to give him a chance.
We ended up going on a date, and he goes to church and he's really sweet and kind and smart. But something felt off, so I asked if he's a Christian, and he said it wasn't a simple yes or no for him but that he's trying to be.
In getting to know him, I can SEE that he really is trying. He reads his Bible, he goes to church, he's kind to everyone around him.
Here's where I'm having horrible anxiety:
Last week on Monday I was reading my Bible, and I asked God to hear from him/to get something from thr reading. I read in Romans about how Abraham had to wait for God to give him a son, and I thought back to how he tried to force things along and he had Ishmael with Hagar, but that wasn't God's plan. And I felt this sense that the holy spirit was telling me that I was doing the same thing with this guy I met, that I was trying to go about God's promise my own way. And I felt certain I'd heard from God, even though I didn't like the answer. It was bittersweet.
On Friday that same week I saw my guy friend at a church function, and after that I went home and cried. Because I like him so much. I saw him on Saturday, and we spent hours talking about God. On Sunday I was turning it over and over in my mind, and I decided to give him a chance, because we were stuck in this weird situation of "not just friends, but not dating." So I said I'd date him to get to know him better. Regarding the feeling I had on Monday, I told myself maybe it was just me, maybe it was just my brain thinking those thoughts about Abraham.
This past week has been awful for my anxiety. Even though I love seeing this guy, my mind has been racing and my stomach hurts with the thought of "what if I'm disobeying God." Last night I cried and begged God for clarity, and I woke up in a panicky state again this morning.
I want to give this guy a chance. He's TRYING to be a Christian, he really is. And I don't want to do anything to end it when I'm in a turmoil. But I can't make this stop! My brain keeps going around and around and it just hurts so much. I feel such a connection with this guy but at the same time I just can't get any peace.

 

[Sabertooth]

He's TRYING to be a Christian, he really is.

He is either Born Again or he is not.
Unbelievers cannot "fake it 'til they make it."

Maybe you can show him The Four Spiritual Laws...

His "trying to be Christian" may mean that he has a soft heart.

 

[EtainSkirata]

He is either Born Again or he is not.
Unbelievers cannot "fake it 'til they make it."

Maybe you can show him The Four Spiritual Laws...

His "trying to be Christian" may mean that he has a soft heart.

I think he does have a soft heart. He says this is something he wants to do--being a Christian. He's very intelligent and I think he might just be overthinking it. Or he doesn't quite understand what it means to take that step of faith, but he says he does trust God. I still can't quite wrap my head around where he's at because it's not your typical conversion story.

 

[Jake Arsenal]

Abraham had to wait for God's timing. Any attempts to bypass God's timing will certainly result in trouble.

A person cannot become a Christian by mere choice or act of will. He must pray and wait for the Holy Spirit to call him.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Abraham had to wait for God's timing. Any attempts to bypass God's timing will certainly result in trouble.

A person cannot become a Christian by mere choice or act of will. He must pray and wait for the Holy Spirit to call him.

I disagree with your second point. "For God so loved the WHOLE world that he gave his only begotten son." If a person CHOOSES to accept that free gift then they can become a Christian.

As far as your first point goes, I agree. It's hard to know what God's timing is though. I have this picture in my head of how I think a relationship should go, but then nothing in life is how we think it should go.

I've prayed for clarity and I do want to wait a bit for my head to clear. I've literally been shaking with an upset stomach over this and I don't know if it's a good idea to make decisions in that kind of state.

 

[Mink61]

So I met this guy recently. I'm usually pretty good at reading people and determining pretty fast if a guy is someone I'd want to date or not. And when I first met this guy, I had a couple small red flags. But he wanted to hang out so I decided to give him a chance.
We ended up going on a date, and he goes to church and he's really sweet and kind and smart. But something felt off, so I asked if he's a Christian, and he said it wasn't a simple yes or no for him but that he's trying to be.
In getting to know him, I can SEE that he really is trying. He reads his Bible, he goes to church, he's kind to everyone around him.
Here's where I'm having horrible anxiety:
Last week on Monday I was reading my Bible, and I asked God to hear from him/to get something from thr reading. I read in Romans about how Abraham had to wait for God to give him a son, and I thought back to how he tried to force things along and he had Ishmael with Hagar, but that wasn't God's plan. And I felt this sense that the holy spirit was telling me that I was doing the same thing with this guy I met, that I was trying to go about God's promise my own way. And I felt certain I'd heard from God, even though I didn't like the answer. It was bittersweet.
On Friday that same week I saw my guy friend at a church function, and after that I went home and cried. Because I like him so much. I saw him on Saturday, and we spent hours talking about God. On Sunday I was turning it over and over in my mind, and I decided to give him a chance, because we were stuck in this weird situation of "not just friends, but not dating." So I said I'd date him to get to know him better. Regarding the feeling I had on Monday, I told myself maybe it was just me, maybe it was just my brain thinking those thoughts about Abraham.
This past week has been awful for my anxiety. Even though I love seeing this guy, my mind has been racing and my stomach hurts with the thought of "what if I'm disobeying God." Last night I cried and begged God for clarity, and I woke up in a panicky state again this morning.
I want to give this guy a chance. He's TRYING to be a Christian, he really is. And I don't want to do anything to end it when I'm in a turmoil. But I can't make this stop! My brain keeps going around and around and it just hurts so much. I feel such a connection with this guy but at the same time I just can't get any peace.

Can't you get to know him better without "dating" him? I mean, what's the rush?

Honestly, I think one of the biggest mistakes people make today is that they meet someone, feel some kind of immediate 'spark' and/or 'connection', and run with that feeling...

...only to crash and burn a few weeks or months later.

Also, you say that he's TRYING to be a Christian. What exactly does that mean? Even non-Christians have read the bible, and even gone to church. Doing those things doesn't necessarily make one a Christian.

You can spot a Christian by how they live their lives. Compassion...forgiveness...patience...caring...kindness...charity...modesty...self-control...are only a few 'fruits' of the Holy Spirit. Is your friend trying to live his life by those measures? Are YOU living YOUR life by those measures?

Perhaps by being guided to Romans, God was trying to tell you to be patient. By being patient, it doesn't mean that we'll eventually get what we want. But by being patient, we can often avoid what we don't want.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Can't you get to know him better without "dating" him? I mean, what's the rush?

Honestly, I think one of the biggest mistakes people make today is that they meet someone, feel some kind of immediate 'spark' and/or 'connection', and run with that feeling...

...only to crash and burn a few weeks or months later.

Also, you say that he's TRYING to be a Christian. What exactly does that mean? Even non-Christians have read the bible, and even gone to church. Doing those things doesn't necessarily make one a Christian.

You can spot a Christian by how they live their lives. Compassion...forgiveness...patience...caring...kindness...charity...modesty...self-control...are only a few 'fruits' of the Holy Spirit. Is your friend trying to live his life by those measures? Are YOU living YOUR life by those measures?

Perhaps by being guided to Romans, God was trying to tell you to be patient. By being patient, it doesn't mean that we'll eventually get what we want. But by being patient, we can often avoid what we don't want.

It's because we tried being just friends, but he wanted to know if we would be always just friends, without the possibility of us dating. I didn't want to fully close the door on dating just yet, so we agreed to sort of be "in between" for a month so I could think about it. I'd also told him if we were to be "just friends," then I would only be comfortable seeing him in group settings (cause otherwise it felt inappropriate). He then proceeded to invite me to almost any group event his church is doing.
But when I went to an event with him and his church group, I saw how kind and caring he was to people, how he offered to help with transportation for a guy it seemed he barely knew.
He told me he views the Bible as the source of how he should make decisions. Like that's his guidance. And I DO see the fruits of love, patience, and kindness in him.
I'm still not sure what he means by TRYING to be a Christian. He said he doesn't want to force something he doesn't feel in his soul, but a Christian IS something he wants to be. He spoke about knowing how atheists think, as he used to be agnostic or something, and he said he could use that understanding to reach them and bring them over.
So, I see a man who has very similar theological and world views as me. And I see a man who is actively trying to live the Christian life. I wanted to give it a chance.

 

[Mink61]

It's because we tried being just friends, but he wanted to know if we would be always just friends, without the possibility of us dating. I didn't want to fully close the door on dating just yet, so we agreed to sort of be "in between" for a month so I could think about it.

Like I asked before, what's the rush? A month really isn't that long.

I'd also told him if we were to be "just friends," then I would only be comfortable seeing him in group settings (cause otherwise it felt inappropriate).

If you're "just friends", it shouldn't make any difference if you saw each other in a group setting or alone.

He then proceeded to invite me to almost any group event his church is doing.
But when I went to an event with him and his church group, I saw how kind and caring he was to people, how he offered to help with transportation for a guy it seemed he barely knew.

O.k., that's a start.

He told me he views the Bible as the source of how he should make decisions. Like that's his guidance. And I DO see the fruits of love, patience, and kindness in him.
I'm still not sure what he means by TRYING to be a Christian. He said he doesn't want to force something he doesn't feel in his soul, but a Christian IS something he wants to be.

Then you ask him for specifics.

He spoke about knowing how atheists think, as he used to be agnostic or something, and he said he could use that understanding to reach them and bring them over.

I agree. The one thing I suggest to atheists who are convinced that they'd "never become a believer" is to read about other atheists who have become believers.

So, I see a man who has very similar theological and world views as me. And I see a man who is actively trying to live the Christian life. I wanted to give it a chance.

My own philosophy is "friends first".

Too many people see friendship as something that's separate from romantic love. And yet, it's the foundation from where romantic love is built.

 

[trophy33]

Can't you get to know him better without "dating" him? I mean, what's the rush?

Honestly, I think one of the biggest mistakes people make today is that they meet someone, feel some kind of immediate 'spark' and/or 'connection', and run with that feeling...

...only to crash and burn a few weeks or months later.

Exactly.

 

[Jake Arsenal]

It's because we tried being just friends, but he wanted to know if we would be always just friends, without the possibility of us dating. I didn't want to fully close the door on dating just yet, so we agreed to sort of be "in between" for a month so I could think about it. I'd also told him if we were to be "just friends," then I would only be comfortable seeing him in group settings (cause otherwise it felt inappropriate). He then proceeded to invite me to almost any group event his church is doing.
But when I went to an event with him and his church group, I saw how kind and caring he was to people, how he offered to help with transportation for a guy it seemed he barely knew.
He told me he views the Bible as the source of how he should make decisions. Like that's his guidance. And I DO see the fruits of love, patience, and kindness in him.
I'm still not sure what he means by TRYING to be a Christian. He said he doesn't want to force something he doesn't feel in his soul, but a Christian IS something he wants to be. He spoke about knowing how atheists think, as he used to be agnostic or something, and he said he could use that understanding to reach them and bring them over.
So, I see a man who has very similar theological and world views as me. And I see a man who is actively trying to live the Christian life. I wanted to give it a chance.

John 15:16, Acts of the Apostles 13:48, John 6:64-65

It's hard to know what God's timing is though.

He didn't tell Abraham when He would perform His promise until He came down to destroy Sodom(Genesis 19:10), but He did tell him when he was wrong, as in the Hagar incident (Genesis 21:1-21, Romans 8:7, 2 Peter 3:9).

 

[philadelphos]

So I met this guy recently. I'm usually pretty good at reading people and determining pretty fast if a guy is someone I'd want to date or not. And when I first met this guy, I had a couple small red flags. But he wanted to hang out so I decided to give him a chance.
We ended up going on a date, and he goes to church and he's really sweet and kind and smart. But something felt off, so I asked if he's a Christian, and he said it wasn't a simple yes or no for him but that he's trying to be.
In getting to know him, I can SEE that he really is trying. He reads his Bible, he goes to church, he's kind to everyone around him.
Here's where I'm having horrible anxiety:
Last week on Monday I was reading my Bible, and I asked God to hear from him/to get something from thr reading. I read in Romans about how Abraham had to wait for God to give him a son, and I thought back to how he tried to force things along and he had Ishmael with Hagar, but that wasn't God's plan. And I felt this sense that the holy spirit was telling me that I was doing the same thing with this guy I met, that I was trying to go about God's promise my own way. And I felt certain I'd heard from God, even though I didn't like the answer. It was bittersweet.
On Friday that same week I saw my guy friend at a church function, and after that I went home and cried. Because I like him so much. I saw him on Saturday, and we spent hours talking about God. On Sunday I was turning it over and over in my mind, and I decided to give him a chance, because we were stuck in this weird situation of "not just friends, but not dating." So I said I'd date him to get to know him better. Regarding the feeling I had on Monday, I told myself maybe it was just me, maybe it was just my brain thinking those thoughts about Abraham.
This past week has been awful for my anxiety. Even though I love seeing this guy, my mind has been racing and my stomach hurts with the thought of "what if I'm disobeying God." Last night I cried and begged God for clarity, and I woke up in a panicky state again this morning.
I want to give this guy a chance. He's TRYING to be a Christian, he really is. And I don't want to do anything to end it when I'm in a turmoil. But I can't make this stop! My brain keeps going around and around and it just hurts so much. I feel such a connection with this guy but at the same time I just can't get any peace.

Sounds like a brother I used to know. My advice is run. Your gut is your conscience, and it's your moral/spiritual compass. Your heart/emotions are deceitful due to sin/depravity, self-deception. Ignoring "red flags" as you admit. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

Looks are deceiving:

My younger brother looks sweet, innocent, naive, and frankly a bit dumb in a cute way I guess. Like a young Backstreet Boy or K-pop star. People say to me, Wow, he's so "cheerful" and "handsome"... and "sweet" looking after others (kids in his bible study)... And that may be true... part of it true about him, but in another life... It's fake because he only does it out of duty and fear of social rejection. Which is not love. Not a genuine invested interest in others. Even my Mum who loves him will bite her tongue when people praise him, because he doesn't deserve praise. In the family he's the most vicious rotten disgusting god-forsaken character, wretched and backstabbing. His room smells worse than a gym bag, he never showers unless goes out, and he never helps anyone but himself (refusing to help when we desperately need help), the most lazy, difficult, and unproductive person I've ever known. Seriously. Sadly. But in public, he scrubs up a pretty facade, called narcissism. It's very common. It stems from low self-esteem or under achievement. He compensates for feelings of guilt and wretchedness by being "kind", appearing sweet in public. But most importantly, about faith, for 20yrs now (starting at age 12 or so) we've been convincing him (gently then boldly) to be baptised, to repent, to correct his thinking, and turn to Christ. He not only refuses to consider, think, read, listen, but he argues back in the most cross, vicious, and resentful way. A simple chat in the car can almost always turns into resentment or a grudge for weeks. And it's always from his side, this obstinate reluctance, blatant refusal, to listen. But on the surface, he's a church attender, a Bible Study leader, a Youth Group leader, a church camp leader. But it's all lies.

Scripture has two views:

1. Gentile converts: Baptise and believe on Jesus. Can happen anywhere there is water, but usually at adult age and is voluntary. Done in a Mikveh or Baptismal tub.
2. Verbal confession (publicly and ceremonially): Confirmation for already ceremonially baptised infants, born into a Christian family and church. Can happen anywhere but there must be a verbal confession of faith in Christ (some even confession of sin), done as an adult and is voluntary. For formal and official entry into the 'body of Christ' as the universal church body, regardless of denomination.

Many float around at church having done neither. Meaning they are unbelievers. This is a problem. Ministers are negligent, unwilling to upset people, risk losing funding. But trust me, if you end up with someone who is willfully unrepentant, you are walking into a lifetime of abusive behaviour. It starts small and escalates with time. A lifetime of anxiety, panic, insecurity, constantly uncertain where you stand, where he stands, and whether it's love or something very wrong.

"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." (Acts 2:38)

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." (Rom 10:9-10)

There's a lot to be said, but if he has done neither then he's not a believer in any sense of biblical or traditional view. With respect, if he's adult age, 16, 18, 21+ then you can assume he's reprobate, heathen, non-Christian. He may be a nice person, but I sense from your writing there's more to him than meets the eye. Either a man belongs to Christ or he belongs to Satan. Hence we all need salvation, to repent from our sins (even after conversion, daily bread, taking up his cross daily). And if he's anything like the guy I described, honestly, run! You're looking at a pretty but poisoned well. And if you don't believe me, then test him. Study Scripture and compare it with his observable behaviour. And if you can't then ask his parents, ask his minister, his employer, his teachers. Listen carefully to what people say about him. How does he behave when he's not around you. This is important, testing whether it's genuine or manipulative behaviour. You say he's "kind" but is he kind to his classmates, colleagues, neighbours? Or is he "kind" to you only because he wants something?

In life there are many people who seem very nice and kind, generous, considerate, even "loving", initially. But if they are not with Christ, not of Gods, almost always ime, it's a fraudulent imitation love. Almost always burning you. And it stings because it came unexpectedly (self-deluded, didn't see it coming).

The Lord said: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." (1 Jn 4:18)

1 Corinthians 13 is the ultimate test of love. Does he truly have these traits?

God is peace, love, and life: "For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world" (1 Jn 5:4) "Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means." (2 Thes 3:16) "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:7)

Unfortunately, the man you have is from somewhere else. Your gut/conscience is telling you stay away.

 

[Mari17]

So I met this guy recently. I'm usually pretty good at reading people and determining pretty fast if a guy is someone I'd want to date or not. And when I first met this guy, I had a couple small red flags. But he wanted to hang out so I decided to give him a chance.
We ended up going on a date, and he goes to church and he's really sweet and kind and smart. But something felt off, so I asked if he's a Christian, and he said it wasn't a simple yes or no for him but that he's trying to be.
In getting to know him, I can SEE that he really is trying. He reads his Bible, he goes to church, he's kind to everyone around him.
Here's where I'm having horrible anxiety:
Last week on Monday I was reading my Bible, and I asked God to hear from him/to get something from thr reading. I read in Romans about how Abraham had to wait for God to give him a son, and I thought back to how he tried to force things along and he had Ishmael with Hagar, but that wasn't God's plan. And I felt this sense that the holy spirit was telling me that I was doing the same thing with this guy I met, that I was trying to go about God's promise my own way. And I felt certain I'd heard from God, even though I didn't like the answer. It was bittersweet.
On Friday that same week I saw my guy friend at a church function, and after that I went home and cried. Because I like him so much. I saw him on Saturday, and we spent hours talking about God. On Sunday I was turning it over and over in my mind, and I decided to give him a chance, because we were stuck in this weird situation of "not just friends, but not dating." So I said I'd date him to get to know him better. Regarding the feeling I had on Monday, I told myself maybe it was just me, maybe it was just my brain thinking those thoughts about Abraham.
This past week has been awful for my anxiety. Even though I love seeing this guy, my mind has been racing and my stomach hurts with the thought of "what if I'm disobeying God." Last night I cried and begged God for clarity, and I woke up in a panicky state again this morning.
I want to give this guy a chance. He's TRYING to be a Christian, he really is. And I don't want to do anything to end it when I'm in a turmoil. But I can't make this stop! My brain keeps going around and around and it just hurts so much. I feel such a connection with this guy but at the same time I just can't get any peace.

I understand how confusing it can be! OCD/anxiety can make things even more confusing, because sometimes we have doubts where we don't need to. And we're not always sure (even without the OCD!) whether we're experiencing God's leading or just our own thoughts.

Here are a couple of things I'm wondering:
1. What were the red flags you saw at the beginning of the relationship?
2. What is the reason that you need to date him right now? (Besides being attracted to him - which I totally get!)

So I don't really have any personal relationship experience, only what I've learned from observing others. But here are a couple of my thoughts:
1. Any guy who truly loves you would be willing to wait for you. Being unwilling to wait, unwilling to put God first and to value you by allowing you space, is a sign of immaturity to me.
2. Only when a guy is totally devoted to God and willing to put Him first - even above a relationship - can he love you the way you deserve to be loved.

I'm not saying that a guy has to be perfect. But his drive, his thirst, his everything needs to be God, and his character and actions need to reveal that, and to reveal the fruit of the Spirit (especially in relating to his close friends and family!) over the long term. If not, the foundation for his entire life - and your entire relationship - is built on shaky ground. I've seen it happen - very tragically, in my own friend and family circles. It's hard to look beyond infatuation, but building on anything other than that solid foundation of God first isn't worth it. It really isn't.

I'm not sure if you're even close to thinking about marriage in your future (in general, I mean, not necessarily with this guy in particular), but one book that was recommended to me and which I've read bits of is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. I think reading books like this could help prepare your heart for the serious commitment that a long-term relationship is. I'm not saying that having a romantic relationship can't be fun, and joyful, and exciting. But I do think it's important to view marriage as, like, a kind of job. It's a lot of work, and the goal isn't to live "happily ever after" but to be better able to serve God through your marriage.

As I said, I don't have my own relationship experience, but I have been and am going through watching relationship issues with my loved ones, so I've been thinking about this kind of thing a lot and have some rather passionate opinions about it (which may, of course, be wrong!). Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk more. Praying for God's wisdom, courage, and peace for you!

 

[EtainSkirata]

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[EtainSkirata]

Deleted