now i don't know what to do...please help...

[Kaylynn]

*sighs* (this will be long...i apologize ahead of time)

okay...there is a guy at my church....who I have always avoided. I've always watched him from afar because he's always been taken. I've avoided forming a close friendship with him, due to the fact that I am not only attracted to his looks, but more importantly, to his servant's heart. I didn't want to put myself in a situation where I would cause problems for him and his g/f (fiance at the time) or I didn't want to put myself in a position where I'd get myself hurt.

I would see him every Sunday in our College and Career class, and I would make small talk with him about our weekends and such. But mostly I just tried to remain on an "aquaintances" level. Well, I am working VBS this year, as is he and another girl from our C&C class. We had a big meeting and she wasn't there, so we hung out since we didn't really know many other people there our age. We got to talking and I had been having financial problems about getting into the college I was wanting to go to which is in Virginia (I'm from Alabama) and how I may not be able to go and such. He said that maybe it was a good thing and he was glad I probably wouldn't be able to go because if I left he'd really miss me. And of course, I just brushed it off because 1) he's an extremely sweet guy, so I thought he's just being nice and 2) he was still engaged at this point. This was on a Thursday. Well, that next Sunday comes around and after our C&C class, I rush out the door like usual because I have to get down to the Choir room to get ready. Well, he ended up catching up with me and walking to the sanctuary and he tells me "yeah, so now I'm going to be really bored and have to find people to hang out with because now I'm a single guy" I think my mouth must have dropped open and just hung there for a while.

Well, I ended up telling my brother who is also my best friend and confident because he already knew that I was somewhat attracted to this guy. I also told my mom who is also my best friend and I also tell her everything. Well, my bro told my sister who told her husband and the rest of the world...but when Wednesday came around...we all saw him and his gf together at church. I was thinking my mind was playing tricks on me and my subconscience was just hoping he was single. Well, now him and my brother have become REALLY good friends. They are always talking to each other....so the other day he came over to the house to hang out and talk. This was on Saturday, and he and my brother and I were all talking until 3:15 in the morning (which is normal for me and my bro who stay up until like 2-4am on a regular day and then get up at 8-10 in the morning but poor John is used to going to bed earlier) Well, we flirted a little but no biggie and then Sunday his girl friend came to church with him, which she never does since she's always working. Well, they came out to eat with all of us...and then he and his g/f came over to the house to hang out. He drove her to work and came back over and spent the rest of the day with us until like 1030-11ish when he went back home. But during this time, all out flirting was going on with tickling and just picking on each other....and I feel horrible because it was wrong.

Because he told my bro that he and his g/f's relationship has been on the rocks for over a year and that when he broke of the engagement he did break up with her. But she was really broken over it and wanted to try to work things out...so he told her that he would give her the summer and they'd continue dating but if at the end of the summer things still weren't working out they would go their seperate ways with no hard feelings. And I made a firm decision last night that things needed to go back to what they were. We'd become aquaintances once again, I'd talk to him at church and all but no more of the hanging out hours on end...if he came over to chill with my bro...I'd find something to do out of their hair...I wanted to give his g/f a fair chance. He told her he'd pray about their relationship and give it another shot and I didn't want to be clouding his mind. So I was determined to avoid him like the plague. But there is a missions trip we are both going on in July and we are the ONLY people our age going so he was hoping to hang out that week and serve together, but my mom is also going as are our C&C teachers so I figured I'd still be able to avoid him, I could spend some mother daughter time with my mom and he could hang with our teachers who we are all real good friends with.

But now I'm so confused on what to do. My mom and sister and brother all keep telling me, you need to pray about this, maybe this is God's one for you...what is your heart telling you...blah blah blah. My bro said he thinks this guy will try to pursue me (although supposedly he doesn't want to date anyone for 6mos after he and his g/f split) and I said it doesn't matter because I don't need this right now, I want to focus on God and His plan and purpose for me. And he said it doesn't matter if i want it or not, that he's a very persistant guy and who knows this may be the plan God has for me that I should be focusing on.

My heart is telling me, hey he could be the one...it was telling me that "man, that girl he's with is really lucky to be marrying a guy like him" but of course i brushed that off and avoided him. I don't want to listen to my heart. Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. who can understand it?" and Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"

Well, my heart has deceived me before, and I've given away pieces of my heart only to get hurt....so I'm scared to listen to my heart. And I really didn't want all of this right now....that's why I've avoided him. Well, after leaving last night and me making this decision to avoid him at all costs once again, he tells my brother after me and my brother have this long talk about how things needed to go back to what they were...that he just ended it with his girlfriend and that he was no longer giving her the summer.

which I think that could always change and she could talk him back into it like she did before...but what if she doesn't? What do I do? I mean, I was doing the right thing by wanting to avoid him wasn't I? But now, should I continue with that? I mean, it hurts my heart (not to mention gives me a headache) to even think about all this stuff...and I've been having a really hard time getting him out of my mind, such a hard time that I get mad at myself and literally talk out loud saying "Stop it Kelly....you said you weren't going to think about him!"

I think people are looking at me kinda funny. lol. *sighs* ahh, this is such a mess....please offer advice, and once again, I apologize for the length.

 

[Apollonian]

Ahh, drama. This is great movie material - in a good way. I hope it ends well for you.

From my perspective as a guy, if I am anything like this fellow, I would say he probably has an interest in you but has been confused by the whole process. From what you've written about him, he doesn't seem to be the shy type with regard to pursueing you at least as a friend. With that in mind, if he really is breaking up with his girlfriend, I would say don't avoid him but don't swoon over him either. Try to maintain a distanced but accessible nonchalance. He will then either continue being friends (he is a 'friend'), he will pursue you (que the fireworks ), OR he may start avoiding you. In the last case, make it a point to make yourself accessible but not clingy (He may be attracted to you but not want to pursue you now - wait it out).

I commend you for your noble restraint. I'm sure there are many other girls out there who would eagerly bring on the cat-fight. However, the cautionary note is this: why did he break up with his previous girl friend, and are you setting yourself up for the same mistake? It may be that you are different from this other girl and that you two would work better with each other. You should figure out in advance (maybe through your brother) why things ended the way they did. Learning from other people's mistakes is invaluable for saving yourself grief. To follow through with the noble gesture you intended, I also don't think its a great idea to date this guy so soon either.

There are still a couple months before the missions trip right? So I wouldn't worry about that yet. I imagine it is darn well near impossible to tell what God is going to do in the next few months. Wait, watch, and ride it out. We'll all be here to support you on the other side

Godspeed Kelly,
-Apollonian
20/m INTj

 

[jenptcfan]

Goodness gracious. It does sound like this guy has an interest in you, but I think it's kind of wrong for him to tell his ex-fiancee that he'll continue dating her through the summer and give their relationship a chance to work out, but yet he's at your house flirting with you. Either he needs to end it for real, or he needs to give the relationship with her a chance and not flirt with other girls. He's probably not doing this with the intention of hurting you, and he sounds like a good guy, but he WILL hurt either you or the fiancee (or both) before this is over with if he continues down this road.

If you feel comfortable with it, talk to him and tell him you think it's best if you two remain distant until there's some kind of conclusion with he and his ex. By doing that, you may even avoid alienating the ex-girlfriend and causing bad blood there.

Keep praying about this situation. Maybe he is the guy for you, but not until these circumstances have been resolved.

Best of luck to you.

J

 

[jay_swift]

Since he just broke up with this girl, I would say take it slow. He probably needs some time to recover. However, I know what its like to like someone in a relationship and you probably don't want him to slip through your fingers and get snatched up by someone else. The best thing to do is tell him one way or another that you would date him if he broke it up with his fiancee. Its unfair for him to lead you on with her on the side like that.

My favorite way to send messages is to put it in a passive voice like, "It's too bad you're dating him" or "I'd like to hang out with you, but.." etc. He might be thick headed like me though, and you might have to just come out and say it.

If you like someone, don't let THEM be the reason stopping you from achieving your goal!

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

Another eloquent case of mind games, where will it end?!?!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I dated a girl with a boyfriend once.
Here's what I learned: don't do that. It's way too much stress,especially if they were just engaged.
If he said he's single, and then brings his girlfriend over to your house, he's confused. He is either single or not single.
I would steer clear of this emotional tornado. If I was your brother and found out he told you he was single and then brought his girlfriend over to my house...we would have...a discussion. The discussion would probably involve some impromptu dental work.

 

[Kaylynn]

MR CHEESE:

He WAS single....but he didn't want to hurt this girl....he's a very sweet guy. Because she was so broken up about him ending their relationship (engagement, bf/gf...going to strictly friends).....she kept going on about how it could work they just needed time. So he said okay, he'll try again and they agreed to date through the summer. And over the next couple of weeks he told her, I don't think this is working...really and she told him he wasn't giving it enough time and was being unfair since he said he'd give the relationship the summer to try to work it out.

overall, he didn't feel it was working so he DID end it yesterday (i don't know how long that will go on considering he felt so bad about hurting her by breaking off the engagement...if she starts crying a lot he may be swayed)

He doesn't like to make girls cry. He felt the relationship was on the rocks for a year....he should have ended it then. but he thought he was normal to have doubts....so they got engaged him thinking it would bring them closer but he said that just made it worse so after 5 months they broke off the engagement.

JENPTCFAN:

and it wasn't HIS fault that he was over at my house flirting with me. He's friends with my brother, and he is someone i would call a friend now....though, I never wanted to really become one because I knew I'd end up becoming too attatched to him. I am the one who started the flirting....it was my fault.

APOLLONIAN:

Yeah, it is a lot of drama. the mission trip is about a month and a half away. But we see eachother frequently. At least 3 times a week at church, then in mid June we'll have VBS and see eachother there and he's becoming my brother's best friend so I'll see him a lot through him I'm sure. oh...and don't worry. I don't swoon...period. If it's not God's will it's not God's will. I'm not someone who will hang all over a guy just to get him to notice me, especially since I feel MEN should do the persuing. I will act as I always have... I don't think I have to worry about him avoiding me either though. He's too nice for that. He's already told my brother to let me know he wanted to talk to me about all of this today, but I feel i need sometime to think and pray about all of this myself, so my brother is going to try to hold him off until Wednesday.


THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ ALL OF THAT (I KNOW IT WAS LENGTHY....AND THANKS TO THOSE WHO HAVE REPLIED SO FAR.