Not trying to be controversial here but...

[gottabemore2life]

I think that's very noble, gottabe. Pray about putting a boundary in place that you would consider not dating him until/unless he gets himself straightened out. It would be sad if you got involved with him while waiting for him to change and he never did. Once you're in love with someone, it hurts so much more to have to remove yourself from a relationship.

Yeah. I think you are right (as usual ). And who knows, maybe I will be a little incentive! Lol, not that I am a super prize or anything. But it's good to have goals, right?

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Yeah. I think you are right (as usual ). And who knows, maybe I will be a little incentive! Lol, not that I am a super prize or anything. But it's good to have goals, right?

Just be careful that you aren't his reason, because then you might feel responsible for him going back to his old self if you're not there anymore.

read = you're trapped

 

[ido]

Yeah. I think you are right (as usual ). And who knows, maybe I will be a little incentive! Lol, not that I am a super prize or anything. But it's good to have goals, right?

Ha - I'm hardly ever right, actually.

I think us girls should all consider ourselves the ultimate prize for the guy God intends for us. I know I consider the guy (whoever he is) mine.

 

[ido]

Just be careful that you aren't his reason, because then you might feel responsible for him going back to his old self if you're not there anymore.

read = you're trapped

Agreed. He has to understand that there is no chance of the two of you dating for a verrrrrrrrrrrry long time. It's not just a matter of him changing - it's a matter of seeing the change in him over a long period of time (a year or more, IMO).

 

[gottabemore2life]

Just be careful that you aren't his reason, because then you might feel responsible for him going back to his old self if you're not there anymore.

read = you're trapped

You are like the voice of reality Spicy...

And I love you and hate you for it!

Point taken. And I don't want to be THE reason he changes. But maybe if he knows he's not gonna have a shot with me until he does that will give him just one more reason to quit. He tells me he is going to quit. He knows he is putting his job in jeopardy and letting down his family and so on and so forth... I wouldn't be the sole reason he is changing. I know that. It's obvious since he doesn't want a relationship with me yet that he won't change for anyone. Which is good... and bad... I guess...

Alas, I digress... and I am rambling.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Agreed. He has to understand that there is no chance of the two of you dating for a verrrrrrrrrrrry long time. It's not just a matter of him changing - it's a matter of seeing the change in him over a long period of time (a year or more, IMO).

well, more than that you don't want change to be conditional, because then the good hearted people feel responsible for maintaining it.

It's all part of how the "good girls and guys" become victims because they care, and they DO see the good in others, so they unknowingly forgive that person for mistreating them.

 

[ido]

You are like the voice of reality Spicy...

And I love you and hate you for it!

Point taken. And I don't want to be THE reason he changes. But maybe if he knows he's not gonna have a shot with me until he does that will give him just one more reason to quit. He tells me he is going to quit. He knows he is putting his job in jeopardy and letting down his family and so on and so forth... I wouldn't be the sole reason he is changing. I know that. It's obvious since he doesn't want a relationship with me yet that he won't change for anyone. Which is good... and bad... I guess...

Alas, I digress... and I am rambling.

All of those reasons you listed are extrinsic motivators, tho. The point that Spicy is making is that this dude's desire to stop smoking pot and get his act together has to be intrinsic.

Yes, it is good for him to have reasons why he should quit, but he has to want it for himself, not b/c someone else is pushing him to do it. Otherwise, the desire to go back to it might still exist.

 

[ido]

well, more than that you don't want change to be conditional, because then the good hearted people feel responsible for maintaining it.

It's all part of how the "good girls and guys" become victims because they care, and they DO see the good in others, so they unknowingly forgive that person for mistreating them.

Yeah - I think I just clarifed that in my last post. I'm distracted by small people right now, so my thoughts are kinda scattered. lol

 

[gottabemore2life]

All of those reasons you listed are extrinsic motivators, tho. The point that Spicy is making is that this dude's desire to stop smoking pot and get his act together has to be intrinsic.

Yes, it is good for him to have reasons why he should quit, but he has to want it for himself, not b/c someone else is pushing him to do it. Otherwise, the desire to go back to it might still exist.

Aw, okay. I understand now.

Completely agree... I know when I was with my ex I quit drinking because of him. Didn't take me long to go back to it after he left, because I really didn't want it for myself.

 

[ido]

Aw, okay. I understand now.

Completely agree... I know when I was with my ex I quit drinking because of him. Didn't take me long to go back to it after he left, because I really didn't want it for myself.

Exactly.

It's a pretty common theme. The whole rescuer/rescuee thing. I swear one of these days I'm gonna buy the t-shirt that says "Princess. Not in need of rescuing" on it.

 

[fishin4christ]

He is a good guy. I know he is. I know him. I have friends that smoke weed. Doesn't mean they are bad people. Bottom line is I have faith in him. And while I don't know if he will ever be the kind of man I need him to be in order to be in a relationship with him, I do want to help him through this difficult time in his life.

Just be careful when you're around him. My cousin's girlfriend got busted too, because she was with him when he had some weed on him. I think it's pretty awesome that you wanna help him through this !

 

[TwistTim]

Exactly.

It's a pretty common theme. The whole rescuer/rescuee thing. I swear one of these days I'm gonna buy the t-shirt that says "Princess. Not in need of rescuing" on it.

*makes note for selling that shirt on CafePress*

 

[Quoth]

...someone please tell me what's so great about smoking marijuana.

I was having this conversation with my now-clean co-worker the other day. He used to smoke pot about as much as you breathe oxygen.

He said that for one, it makes you uber-paranoid, and that's amusing to him.

For me, it smells really good (I work and live in a community full of "da herb" but don't touch it myself). My friends who have done it or currently do it for their "glaucoma" say it tastes great.

If it were legal and could be experienced by some other method than smoking, I would be tempted to try it, just to see what all the talk is about. However, it's not legal and you have to smoke it to get the effect, so it's a no-go for the BlackFyre.

Sidenote: Another thing that proponents of legalization of marijuana throw out there is this...

How many guys smoke a blunt and then beat their wives? Not that many.

How many guys knock back a few beers and then beat their wives? Far more.

Which drug is legal?

 

[Im_A]

I was having this conversation with my now-clean co-worker the other day. He used to smoke pot about as much as you breathe oxygen.

He said that for one, it makes you uber-paranoid, and that's amusing to him.

For me, it smells really good (I work and live in a community full of "da herb" but don't touch it myself). My friends who have done it or currently do it for their "glaucoma" say it tastes great.

If it were legal and could be experienced by some other method than smoking, I would be tempted to try it, just to see what all the talk is about. However, it's not legal and you have to smoke it to get the effect, so it's a no-go for the BlackFyre.

Sidenote: Another thing that proponents of legalization of marijuana throw out there is this...

How many guys smoke a blunt and then beat their wives? Not that many.

How many guys knock back a few beers and then beat their wives? Far more.

Which drug is legal?

do you seriously think alcohol is the cause of men beating their wives?

 

[gottabemore2life]

However, it's not legal and you have to smoke it to get the effect, so it's a no-go for the BlackFyre.

Ever heard of Hashbrownies?






Anyway! He said he quit smoking.... We shall see.

 

[Quoth]

do you seriously think alcohol is the cause of men beating their wives?

No, I'm just saying it's an angle that "tokers" bring up in the discussion. It's not something I personally believe. However, because they believe it to be a valid point, tokers find an appeal in marijuana because they don't see it as dangerous or harmful.

 

[ido]

*makes note for selling that shirt on CafePress*

They already sell it on emotionalarmor.com

 

[ido]

gottabe - glad to hear that he seems to be making progress.